more on the eclipse...

what else do u think is affected by our strange cosmic movements recently?

• the night of the total lunar eclipse as the Boston Red Sox & Cardinals were playing...well the game i heard dragged on till late into the night (till around 11:30pm?!) and finally Boston Red Sox won! their so called BabeRuth curse was lifted...who believes in curses anyway? well that was a feat that they've been trying to do for 86 years they say. Wow.
• i sense a strong discontentment that's been brewing among the general masses in NYC & i'm guessing around the country too, the strong middle-class discontent with the status quo to put mildy...about the mistakes made in Iraq, the reasons why we're there, the stolen 300 tons ammunition, while in the homefront we've lost millions of jobs, lost healthcare for a lot of the unemployed, cutbacks on educational & social services for the poor & the disadvantaged...& so on & so forth...i don't want to sound like a politician here so...all i'm saying is, the discontent is palpable, u can almost feel it unless you're numb by ur own comfort level in life.
• so, maybe something will eclipse on NOV. 2...maybe just maybe, something will tip over the scales towards what's right & fair...& John Kerry/John Edwards will win.
• or the extreme case could happen too, not to forget what the other side is capable of doing by any means necessary to tip over the scales towards their side of the fence...votes lost, intentionally registered voters being disqualified & not counted...voting machines not working like the ghost of the "chads"...& other spoofs that u think only happens in cartoons...how the wild, wild west was won! (i just hope this time the indians & cowboys know which side they're on...)
• & last but not least, i've been noticing a lot of homeless people coming out of the woodwork once again in the beautiful Manhattan backdrop...& i wonder, do they always let out the looneys in the streets during the full moon, or is it just budget cuts?! - no answer available, just continue on w/ my wonderment...& pray for these lost souls...
• If, someone who's gonna give us "more of the same" rhetoric & empty promises will win this election, i don't know who's more lost...Us or them?
• maybe this is what the total lunar eclipse is trying to tell us... listen world,
• it's time for a Transformation, a new way of seeing things, from war to healthcare, from the politics of greed to the politics of compassionate leadership...who are the true leader here???

* the emperor with new clothes, or the prince & the pauper... i just love simplifying complex politically-charged situations with my fave. children's stories. cause it ends up that the moral lesson of the story is still - the good will prevail. & i believe there is still a lot of good in all our hearts....no matter how bad the political & societal situation gets....little folks like U & me, carry on....have to keep carrying on with heads held high working with tighter belts but with bright hopes for the future ....

till then, keep our hearts as pure & simple as a child & vote with confidence & a child's faith in all that's good...Good luck & may the best Leader win.

it's about time.... for a Lunar Eclipse of the Heart

i had to laugh at my last blog...what 2 weeks ago now?!
wow, it's been that long since i heard strong voices in my head...
well (sigh)...it's good that i can laugh at bad days like those....

but here i am, with more "stuff"
feeling a little bit more centered and still under the pressures of time & motherhood duties...
(someday, i'll be able to blog all day if i want to, put my feet up & watch the tides
from my beach house window...curtains flowing with the ocean breeze,
take long walks along the shore when i need to get in touch with my sanity once again...)
for now, i wanna do this till about 9pm...it says 8:20 on my PC...

so here goes,
how have i been? i've been mostly busy with family stuff...
getting over another cold, from my little ones of course,
making sure everybody's healthy & getting over their little cold,
also, been busy with my never-ending web researching for
jobs in Atlanta, homes from rentals to foreclosures to...whatever
else seems promising for a future transplant...

Again, sometimes i wonder, when will i ever stop moving?
(right, when i die...) but i've been moving since i was a little kid...
my Dad used to be assigned to a different city/town every year for his job,
and he would pack up his family (my Mom, me & my then 4 brothers...1 additional baby brother came much later on, when we settled down in one place for at least 4 years)...
everything else was 1 year here & the next year another new school, & new friends...
we were living like nomads...you'd think i'd be used to it by now...
maybe i am, & maybe that's why i don't like staying in one place for too long.

i've been living in NYC/& Jersey for almost 17 years now...
17 years, 2 wonderful kids, 2 trying marriages,
3 "real" jobs, a few more temp jobs, in between...
a few boyfriends (before & in between marriages)...nothing serious,
2 "real" best friends,
2 scary breakdowns,
2 amazing recoveries from depression,
17 winters....17 years of the dance of the seasons,
1 fantasy "ideal" love,
1 loyal & loving Mom living with me,
separated from my 1 loving Daddy...
...sometimes, i wonder when will it be my turn,
to turn full circle...
my favorite number is 3...
i think that if Life gives me another chance at LOVE,
3 is IT, what is it they say???
3 strikes and you're OUT!
...well, maybe 3 is my magic number, who knows.

i was watching the total lunar eclipse last night,
from around 10:15pm - to the time i started getting cold in my pajamas & light coat...
it was beautiful just watching how strange the moon looked in it's orange-burnt sienna glow...
with a clear white lining on a quarter of it's side disappearing ever so slowly...
how strange the thought that at that very moment
our planet earth was causing a shadow that blocked the sun's light from
reflecting on our beautiful full moon...
how sad that moon must have felt...
for a few moments to miss the sun's glow...
the moon must have felt really cold
wrapped up in the total darkness of the evening cosmos...
& i stood there, a mere mortal...
feeling what the moon must be feeling if she could feel...
what it's like not to have the reflection of
the Love of her life...lighting up her world...

...it's strange knowing there is something missing

but is it something that i am merely creating for myself

from my blasted past, or is it really something missing???

& when i walked back inside my home,

u wouldnt believe what song was playing on the radio station (Lite FM of course)...

yep, (as if to add insult to injury...)...

Bonnie Raitt's "I can't make U love me, if U don't"

(again, i had to smile inside & sigh at the utter serendipity of each magical moment

given to us by this strangely mystical Universe...

that's why i still believe in angels, some things in Life don't need to be explained.)

i know u can't answer this question...

but why do I love someone who is just an "Ideal",

an Idea, perhaps, of what could be

perfect...

why do i now seek perfection...in an imperfect world???

enough to drive myself crazy...

enough, (sigh)

so i say, it's about time...

for a total Lunar eclipse of the Heart...

p.s.

i just found out from an old friend that this "ideal" of a man i have in my crazy obsessions,

just got married to his girlfriend (who was a single mom too just like me...)

but hey, my best friend had to remind me that I am still married...

I had to laugh when we were talking on the phone this morning,

& as we spoke of where we both are in our lives right now,

as i write this ...I am still very much married in what could be

more like a modern day marriage of convenience...

all i can really do for now is carry on...

the time will come for that lunar eclipse of the heart,

time comes...patience is a virtue.

for now, good night I & I...

keep watching the beautiful mother Moon

& enjoy the love between our Sun and the Moon...

it's there for all star-crossed lovers to witness.

:) j

having a bad day

...ever had one of those bad days where ur only halfway thru
ur morning & already u know it's BAD...
& ur wondering to urself can it get any worse than it is already?
well, tell me if this isn't a bad day or what...

last night my daughter was complaining of stomach pains
& it really scared me, we almost had to rush her to the all-hours HIP clinic
but i gave her some medicine that could help her sleep & after a few minutes
she lied down
& rested & i stayed by her side until she fell asleep...
so thank God it was nothing serious, i was afraid it was an appendicitis attack
(cause i had one of those & i thought the symptoms were almost the same...but it's not)

so, i woke up today not feeling very well-rested,
my daughter was feeling much better & decided she can go to school...
that was good...
until my hubby started glaring at me for something i said to him last night...
(he was still harboring some ill feelings apparently...when i told him why don't he sleep earlier instead of being so obsessed with his guitar-playing & then complain to me about how our son wakes him up early the following day?!...that's all! i hate how he can sleep on bad feelings & carry it over to the following morning! what's up with that?! )
i mean, can't we start fresh every morning? it's a new day isn't it?

& today, it was over some petty things...
i just reminded him that our son don't have any more juice pack to bring to school,
(which was in the grocery list that he intentionally forgets to bring when it's his turn to do grocery...) his excuse this time was,
he wasn't finished doing his grocery yet...
(what?! he wants to go to the grocery twice instead of just once, when he really hates to do grocery?!
i don't get it. )
So, he had to run out to the corner store & get a juice pack & milk too -
at more expensive deli prices...
then he comes out & lashes at me that i've been attacking him since last night!
(yep! those were his exact words...go figure)...
By reminding him of things that he already should know (as a "parent"), & hopefully do as part of his responsibilities, he thinks i'm attacking him!
So i told him, it's all in the way he takes it.
If he takes my reminders as harsh criticisms & thinks i'm on the offensive,
THAT is HIS problem... cause i didn't intend it that way.
only that if i don't remind him, things will just be forgotten & all we will hear are his & my complaints....rackets, rackets, & more rackets.

so, we both rushed to our morning,
he dropped off our son to school,
my daughter wished everyone goodbye as sweetly as she is,
my Mom hides out in her room to avoid any further friction in the house,
& i run to my bus stop...
& guess who greets me at the foot of the stairs on my way out?!
- Yep, my mother-in-law...
she just happens to be awake so early today
& must have heard our little exchange of words,
& wanted to see how my daughter is feeling today & maybe put her 2cents in...
...( it was enough for me not to sprint out of there to the bus stop like a woman running a marathon!)

(& that was only 7:45 am. :)

next stop, my office.
at around 10:00 this morning, my EX-hubby (my daughter's Daddy) calls to tell me he wants to take her around November for a week's vacation to Indiana to visit his uncle's family.
(Fine, i knew this was coming sometime ago, but i thought it wasn't happening anymore.
U don't know my Ex-husband, nothing is for certain with this guy...everything is just let's see what happens & we'll save our reactions till then...he can just change his plans as easily as the wind blows... )
Well, as i wasn't in the best moods already, i tried to hear him out.
I asked him what if our daughter doesn't want to go with them?
what if she doesn't want to miss any more school days than she has to,
(cause they already have plans to go back to the Philippines for a vacation in January 2005- & that i had agreed to.)
But hey, he had to give me this "attitude" that it doesn't matter what i think,
or what my daughter says, nothing really matters except his decision that's already made up! Can u believe it???
I had to roll up my eyes, instead of banging the phone down to his ears, & pray to God for some patience...
But patience i couldn't find & a little argument ensues....(my second for today, i'm doing really good, didn't i tell U?)
it's a good thing there's hardly anyone in the office today
- my boss is out on a seminar all day, & well i probably raised my voice once or twice...
when my ex started ranting on about how he doesn't care about our public school system anyway,
& that the family is the most important thing over school,
& how my daughter's school is not important & this & that...
(sigh)
which brought us back to the perennial argument of whether each one of us have been able to use our hard-won college degrees (his is a B.A. from NYU & mine a B.A. from the University of the Philippines - which i happen to be proud of! Thank U!)
But NO, he had to put down my education & ask how am i really using my college degree now?! (just because he didn't want to put his own education to good use! he had to try & step all over mine!)
...& to top it off, he had the nerve to tell me that is this my way of using my education
- by learning how to type?!
THAT broke the ICE for me, the ungrateful disrespectful EX that he is, & again i realize how it was that i had to break off my mistake of a marriage to this guy...
(another sigh...then enough is enough & i had to tell him off!)
..i said, that i don't have time here at work to listen to him complaining about everything including the U.S. school system! ( cause if he can't change it right now, where we are at this point in our lives, then why not work with it? that's my philosophy)
NO, not him, my EX thinks he's Mister High & Mighty & too good for this system, that if it doesn't work for him, he just won't deal with it & just leave it & maybe try to make his own system...which in philosophy may be nice & idealistic but in reality really stooopid!!!
when u don't know the first thing about changing the system! Why then didn't he become a teacher! I mean what the hell does he want from me?! not put my daughter through school,
or home-school her when i have to work full-time to earn a living since he doesn't have to give me any child support (cause he also doesn't go by the court system! Thank God i haven't brought him up to court again...cause i just don't want to deal with all that fighting over money, i'd rather maintain my friendship with my EX for the sake of my daughter...but sometimes...)
God, give me a f-&$&^@#! break.
The reason why single-Moms or even remarried-Moms have to work twice as hard is because of these ungrateful fathers,
who want to shun the system that they themselves have turned their backs on because they're either too lazy or too damned proud to work with it...for the sake of what?! their freaking philosophies!
Dammit, i'm so sick of philosophizing, finger-pointers who don't even have their two feet planted firmly on the ground.
...to make a long morning short! i just told him off & if he wants to discuss this further he will have to call me at home tonight (not at work!)...
& SO, I HUNG UP THE PHONE ON HIS PATHETIC WHINY EARS!
(& that felt good!)

I'm sorry if i sound whiny to U too, but i just need to VENT.
there are days like this in my life,
& there are good, nothing-can-go-wrong days...
usually i am on good terms with my EX,
& also with my hubby....although sometimes we're more like "friends with benefits"
but there will always be days like this...
& then i wonder to myself...
with all the so-called "baby-Daddy-DRAMA" that surrounds me,
what must i do to change my Life
& make it better???
cause God knows, this is not how i want it to be.
It's got to be better than this.
(maybe, single-motherhood can be bliss...)
all i ask for now is, i hope my day turns out better.
:) Jay

my autumn leaf

just wanted to write about this season...& all it's wonders....

Autumn is almost here!
u can tell from the cool, crisp air & my dry skin...
i love the fall season but i don't like when my skin & lips start chapping so bad,
& my allergies start again...first in the Spring then Fall...
but i try not to pay attention to that.
what i love most is the changing of colors around me
the leaves change into these glorious earthy hues & they're my favorite colors -
burnt sienna, bright golden yellows & fuschia-reds & rustic browns...
when i stare out the bus window every morning
it also gives me the distinct feeling that change is coming...
Fall is all about changes.
i think our bodies start adjusting to the cold weather this time
& so i tend to eat more, sleep more...want to do less...
& sometimes i catch a cold, jsut like my kids
& take some sick days just to take care of myself
& sometimes them when they get sick,
& drink lots of teas & sleep all day...
also, i start becoming more introspective,
it's the season for looking inside one's Self &
checking in on what "stuff" need to be LET GO of...
u know, kinda like spring cleaning but more on the spiritual side...
it coincides with the time i change my wardrobe from summer to fall
& then into winter...
so i start thinking of warmer clothes,
the soft plush sweaters & long down coats & comforters that protect me from the cold...
& i also start thinking of protecting my inner self from whatever dark thoughts
or whatever dark moods might come my way...
i notice that about myself... (& other people too, i guess)
i get more moody in the winter...
So i got the whole autumn to prepare & strengthen myself...
i started taking Yoga classes again, that always helps,
then i am planning a mini weekend get-away from the city...
anywhere not so expensive, maybe Mystic, CT again...
with my family, around the christmas holidays,
just to feel some old-time country sort of festivities,
like i wish i could hear some carollers,
i miss that from when i was a kid growing up,
i used to go carolling a lot with my church chorus
...I just love Christmas songs!
it makes your heart glow...& i get teary eyed sometimes...
& a fireplace during christmas would be nice too...

so, i really love Autumn with all its wind & rain & falling leaves,
Mother nature has a way of preparing us for what winter has in store for us...
& i love that it signifies the coming of the holy-days...
thanksgiving, Christmas & the New Year.

* i got one little story to share about my boy...
one afternoon we were driving with the kids in our van (to do some errands),
all of a sudden he said " Daddy, stop the car now!"
since we were on a highway, he couldn't just stop the car so
we asked him, why Diego?
what he said really blew me away...
he said, "cause i want to get a leaf to give to Mommy..."
he is just the sweetest kid...
he must've remembered all those times that we would pick up leaves
that we like from the ground & inspect them & choose our favorites
to bring home & make into our autumn art on the walls or desks or
bookmarkers...
he remembers how much i love them...&
somehow i'm really happy we've instilled this love & respect of nature in our kids too...
it totally made my day...
even if we couldn't stop the car to pick up some leaves then,
i squeezed his hand & said "thanks for being so sweet my boy!"

( i can only wish that when he grows up, he won't lose this sweet innocence,
this sensitivity to little things that we mothers & women adore...but that's probably wishful thinking)


p.s.
i wanted to write more, next time i will write about:
3) watching Manhattan fade away from view (on my commute home on the ferry)
4) the final debate Kerry vs.Bush tonight (Kerry wins of course.)
5) my new fave shows on tv - desperate housewives, lost, & the apprentice, Extreme makeover home edition (because of Ty - my crush)

6) what else, thinking of U once in a while...once too often...
song for U -"i can't make u love me" by Bonnie Raitt

quiet thoughts...

(4:30 pm at the ofc.)

not much to do around here,
so I BLOG...
still sticking to my "less is more" style of blogging,
maybe even less commas
or punctuations?...
but don't we all need to pause sometimes?

well, my weekend with the family was great...
we watched "Shark Tale"
with our little boy who sat at the edge of his booster-seat,
in awe at all that wonderful animation & grooving with the music...
cartoons has got to be my favorite type of movie nowadays...
i loved Robert de Niro with his typecasted character...what else can he be
but a Godfather?! fuggedaboudit!
i also love the character of Angie - renee zellweger's voice is so cute,
& also that shark who wants to be a dolphin, jack black - real cute,
my little boy's favorite is the little fish of course, will smith!
he's too cool for school!
- i don't know what i enjoy more,
watching my little boy get a kick & lol at the movie
or the movie itself...
i think my son is the cutest of all!
he is such a natural, such a ham!

well, whatelse is new?
not much really...
been doing some planning for our relocation next year...
i did my packing organizer list, by room, then by different categories,
big items like furnitures which we won't be bringing a lot of,
medium items, like kitchen stuff, computers, desks & chairs,
& smaller items, but essentials like clothes for the season, & others to be packed
in storage boxes, what else?
getting rid of knick-knacks ( i dont even know where all these come from???) & clutter,
if there is ONE thing i hate the most....it's CLUTTER!
I HATE CLUTTER!
so i try to figure out a way to be more organized,
not to bring any clutter at all, if possible,
so i'm making a bunch of lists,
- what to bring, what to throw away, & what to give-away to charity...

I did a little house-window-shopping online,
i'm afraid these houses that are within my budget only look good online,
once i step into the location, the "hood" - i don't really know what i'll find...
what elements are lurking behind the "nice house in a 'good' school" area...
but there's no harm in doing early research,
as long as i don't daydream about these houses all day long,
as i might just be putting my hopes up too high.

& i was supposed to go to a friend's party (sort of a wishing-well, going away event)
kinda like a "crossroads" party where friends of my friend will sit & catch up
& chat about the latest happenings in my friend's very interesting life...
he sort of quit/got his position dissolved for a good severance package,
& now is just planning to bum around for a few months to a year i guess,
(some people are so lucky!)
& travel around the world, maybe Tibet or somewhere in Asia...
(something i would love to do, when i get a chance to get off this treadmill i'm on)...
- he's one of my best friends, one of the few i have left,
that hasn't given up on me after my bouts of hibernation/due to depression...
But again, i didn't make it to his party...
oh well, he's probably used to me by now.
I'm just not a party animal anymore... used to love it once in a while,
meeting new people, schmoozing & boozing (though i don't really drink, a half-glass of
beer/ or wine makes me tipsy & red... so, so much for boozing!)
can't hold it in my system...
i guess i've changed ever since a became a Mom for the second time...
i used to party or hang out more in the city when i was just
a first time Mom, then again i was also enjoying my new-found freedom
of being a single-mom...at that time.
now, i'm married & with strings attached (i'd say loose strings, ha, ha, ha)
i prefer the solitude of my suburban pad on the weekends,
enjoying the "quiet" comforts of raising my little boy
who wreaks havoc on my energy level,
i'm up with him and after a few rounds of playing games,
i'm down, knocked out...& his batteries are still running...
sometimes though, with the help of his Daddy,
taking turns to play soldier or car-crashing games,
all of a sudden his eyes start getting droopy &
he'd put his hand in his favorite pillow (his security blanket)
& doze off...then & only then,
my private time for myself starts
then i can enjoy my little quiet moments...
i can watch him sleep for an hour without tiring,
(why do kids look like angels when they're sleeping,
& little terrors once they're up & running???)
well, that's my weekend partying with my little boy...
when i hear his squels of delight at his own made-up games,
& watch him become the commander in chief,
the ruler of his minions of hot wheeling cars,
i just can't trade it for the world...
& even if he empties my cup...all the time,
so does he make it overflow with love...
the little comforts of my weekend with him,
are so special because i know they're only fleeting,
only for a moment - will he be a toddler,
then before i can catch up with everything that's going on around us...
he'll be a grown little man, who doesn't want his Mommy being sweet to him in public,
I enjoy what i can now cause he's the sweetest thing,
& maybe he'll change because they all do on the road to independence,
& maybe he'll forget how sweet he was to his Mommy, but maybe he won't...
at least now, i'm making the most out of all the hugs & kisses,
those butterfly kisses blown in the air & caught in his cute little hands,
& those sneezes right smack on my face,
& squeals of laughter followed by the pitter-patter of running footsteps
all over our little house,
i wouldn't trade it for a bigger house, at least not right now...
the closeness we have in our encroached spaces,
force us to be in-ur-face closely knit...
sometimes when it gets a bit much like getting cabin fever in the winter,
i just go running,
or lock myself in my room for a few hours, maybe the whole night...
& indulge in some quiet thinking...

p.s.
of course, U come into my mind,
i even wonder sometimes, what it would be like,
if we have a baby - yours & mine,
what a gift he/she would be,
that baby would have both U & me...how awesome would that be?
(sigh) but then again reality,
i would be too old by the time we even get lucky
to see each other again...who knows when that will be...
& what kinds of stories of dragons in our lives we have to slay...
before a little good night's kiss...
can lead to a hug, or a dance maybe,
at the age of sixty???

ha,ha,ha...till then U will always be with Me.

on "Working Moms"...

"working Moms" - isn't that a redundancy??
i don't know of any Mom who doesn't work,
even stay-at-home moms have lots & lots of work to do...they say sometimes even more...
& how about us, the double-working moms...the SuperMoms who have to put in a lot of overtime without pay...

it's 4:30 pm, my day is almost over here in the ofc., & i'm off to my other full-time job...
catch the ferry, then the local bus (that's about an hour)
walk 15 minutes to finally get home,
kick off my shoes, wash my hands & face,
change into my house clothes,
check on the kids, kiss & hug, see if they're ok and all that,
check what's for dinner, see if there's any good leftovers,
say hi to the hubby, see if he's ok, hugs,
& more hugs if he prepared dinner already :)
ask if the kids did their homework
& note to self to check on that later...
rest a bit, maybe,
then start the ball rolling for dinner & some evening quality time
with the family...
sometimes, not even anytime to put my feet up & relax...

anyway, tonight might even be worse than that...
my son's school nurse called to say that my son
seems to have some rashes around his neck,
are they allergies or bug bites, they can't tell...
& they can't give him any medicine, they're not legally allowed to...
but they sent him home with a note for me to take him to the doctor.
before he can go back to school tomorrow i guess...
anyway, thank God my Mom is home, lives with us,
& can take care of him & my daughter after school,
or i wouldn't be able to work...& we'd be in the "poorhouse"

so, when i get home tonight,
i have to drive my son to the 24 hr.- HIP clinic in my neighborhood,
see what's wrong with him if anything,
& take it from there.
after that, dinner? that would be nice...
then check what else needs to be checked,
my daughter's homework, clean up around the house a little bit...
i wanted to do my nails today (i do my own manicure, i don't like pedicures,
cause i can't stand the smell inside a nail salon...the enclosed chemical fumesl drive me nuts!)
so, when i want my nails to look prettier than usual,
i put on a little polish w/ some light colors like pink, or tan or pearly white...
that's all, i never use red or those dark colors that make the nails look a little "witchy"...

maybe i'll treat myself to a nail-polishing session while listening to some music...
to relax...but i also want to catch that first Kerry-Bush Presidential debate on tv tonight,
(that might be upsetting... )
then Yoga maybe?
that's being too ambitious now...
maybe tomorrow...
Thank God, my angels,
& all my kids' angels that there is always tomorrow.
:) another day, to do this "working Mom" thing all over again,
till i become an expert at it...i'm getting there.

but hey, it's another beautiful sunrise,
& before u know it,
here comes another weekend...
voila, we've made it through another week!
Hooray for all working MOMS!!!
till then,
stay strong & centered...

i promise to blog today :)

today i'm just trying to organize my thoughts,
i want to try a different style of blogging...
like i want to just state facts, just what IS...
without being too wordy, which i can be,
& i want to be careful with my ranting on & on...
i know this is a free site, but that doesnt give me license to just rant & rave on & on...like there's no tomorrow! *(but, isnt' that what u intended this blog to be for anyway???)
this time, i just want my blog to be less
of what my interpretations are to events in my life
and more - of what really is...what really happened or is happening,
then again the question becomes
what's real to me?
...it's a matter of perception, it gets really subjective doesn't it?...so don't go there.
so, to state only the facts
* (without trying to be too emotional or reactionary)
It will be good exercise for my very busy mind...
i want to be centered...that's what i want.
I want this blog to reflect that i am on my way to finding that center...
that balance.

so- off to my new adventure in blogging...later on...
i will come back & write just what's so...
for me, for today,
for now...
no more dwelling in the murky hidden, yucky past...& all its multidimensional
interpretational yuckisms.... i'm so through with all that drama.
Next time around my friend, you will read me as...
the one who is centered...
the one who knows what she's blogging about,
the one who won't waste your time & my time for that matter
with unnecessary words & meaningless self-chatter
(*but isn't that what this blog was originally intended for???)
- ok, i hear U... u unstoppable voices!
just go ahead, try to be quiet...
for a second, for a few moments,
while i think
& Blog myself out of here...

till then...ommm....

the seeker ;)

after a little silence

it was a little frustrating that i couldn't blog at my work.
there was so much to tell about my nice weekend with the family in Mystic,CT - & all there is to see in Mystic Seaport. but i just had to write in my regular desktop journal (not to be able to share with U)...bummer. i hate when i just get stuck with some stupid technical difficulties...i'm not a techie head & i just couldn't find a way to get my textbox unstuck so i could blog again - maybe i was a target for some stupid spamming & they locked my windows keys somehow...whatever! those Spammers have nothing better to do!
i'm mad at them...sometimes i find more creative moments at work cause there's not a lot of distractions.
now i'm at home, it's Sunday & i don't got a lot of free time...as usual it's a day for chores & stuff. my hubby & kids are planning to go to the movies today - matinee. i plan to do laundry...& probably do some cleaning up around the house, cook dinner & voila, a whole Sunday is gone!
of course i gotta put in some time to play with my kids too...

but for now, i need a little time for myself...i don't know why my CD player on this PC doesn't want to play anything either!? (sigh) can;t even listen to music...is this gonna be a bad day or what??!
No, i'm not gonna let it turn out bad. it's a beautiful cool day outside too...sunny but cool. i can feel the changing of the seasons...

my hubby's still sleeping, it's 10:30 in the morning - he likes to sleep in on the weekends. i'm always the eary bird, i wake up with my little boy who is another early bird, & my little girl...
i think kids' body clocks are tuned to nature so they wake up early with or without the alarm clock. & i just got trained to their clock so...

anyway, not much to say here. just happy that i am able to blog even a little bit. I got some new books to read : "The LIfe of Pi" (which is supposed to be really good & i liked the plot) & i got 2 books for my daughter too that she ordered - "one of those hideous books where the mother dies" & "stop pretending" (by Sonya Sones) it's really interesting, i was reading it a little bit & she wants me to read them too after she's done. we exchange books to read now that she's 12 turning 13 - she can understand some of my not so heavy reading too. "stop pretending" is very interesting, it's about what happened to the author & her family when her big sister got really sick & had to go into the psych. ward....Hmm, sounds familiar. i'm sure it is quite an experience. quite a ride...i've been there, recovered from it & yet haven't quite fully addressed it in my writings...maybe i'm just afraid to be judged by normal people...as crazy. but really, who's to say what's normal & what's crazy anyway...we're all crazy in one way or another...some are just more extreme, some, because of some chemical imbalance of the brains, or emotionally traumatic events, just go off over the deep end...& that's what happened to me...
i wrote a lot during that time, but none so understandable to anyone but me or someone who's been through the deep end & came back whole & sane....maybe that's why i havent written about it...i;'m still grappling with my experiences at that time, the visions, the "voices", my family's fears about our future, my future now, it's weird...it's a strange thing to think about the future when one remembers that time, that walk on the wild side...

...I longed for silence at that time, i had a long relief of going back to monotony & my regular routine then...i was thankful for that... i didn't want big changes, i was just happy to be able to sleep peacefully at night & wake up rested & able to get dressed without spending an hour trying to decide what to wear, black, gray, or black & gray...it became a uniform...
...i was just thankful to have none of those stupid anxieties about nothing really, little things of how i can get back to "normal" - when normal can be comforting...& the days seem all the same...& i didnt really plan much for the weekends...that was my hubby's responsibility at that time, he had to think of things to get my mind off things, he had to find ways to get me out of the house & enjoy myself even a little bit. He is a good guy for trying & doing his best. that's why it's so tough to think of leaving him...again...cause i was planning that just before i had my little "episode"... my nervous breakdown...

Life is strange indeed. & now i'm so much better...
time to think of changes again...
Fall is coming, the leaves are changing, the air is getting colder,
day by day, progressively colder,
& soon it will be Winter, another cruel, unrelenting New York City winter,
my season of discontent,
my most dreaded enemy-
when there's not enough light
during the day, & not enough light when i wake up in the morning...
& the cold gets to my bones no matter how much clothes i wear,
i pray that it won't be so bad this year...
that i can handle another winter...
before our planned move to Georgia early next year,
where its much milder, no trudging in the snow & slipping on ice...
another reason why we want to move,
for mental health reasons,
so hopefully i won't get depressed again...
nobody likes it when somebody is depressed,
no one's happy, everybody's trying to get by,
everybody's trying to make u happy,
it's so sad...
& u see right through them,
& you know they're just being good & doing their best,
& still nothing matters,
& U still feel low,
& so u continue to take ur meds ...
even if it might have made u want to jump off your office building
or over the ferry... for a couple of weeks or so...
so u continue to take ur meds....
anything as long as it may work...
St. John's Worts did not work before did it?
or only worked for a few months...& then wham!
U got depressed again!
at the time when U were feeling so strong, so confident too...
that's why the doctor said U might be manic-depressive, bi-polar!
But am I really???
or am i just weird, different,
or my brain chemistries just goes out of whack in times of stress or distress???
like that song i hear on the radio constantly...it gets annoying sometimes...
but it's good...

"i'm not crazy. i'm just a little unwell... sometimes,
so stay a while maybe then you'll see,
a different side of me..."

as usual,
Time is my best friend,
only Time will tell...only time can tell really.

i pray to my angels every night to keep me sane & bright,
to keep that light on for me...
in times of darkness...

& i pray for U too...to someday find me...
strong & bright,
a light in the dark, shining bright.

always,
the seeker...

well...Hello again!

Good Morning I,
i dont know what happened, but my blogsite wasnt working for a week there...i couldnt type anything in my text box at my work pc, & now that i'm trying it at home... it's working!? hmm, maybe the help desk performed some magic tricks & now it's fixed. maybe i'm only supposed to blog at home?! but i'm usually so busy here...

anyway, i am at home again...took a day off for Labor Day holiday & just catch up on some chores around the house, help my daughter get her closet/clothes get organized, do laundry & all that good stuff. (so i am quite busy & don't have a lot of time to blog ;)
it's great to work at home tho, i'm listening to my music of someone who sounds so eerily like Billie Holiday (Madeline Peyroux) with some really good musicians like Marc Ribot on guitar, etc...it's so cool! i love listening to jazz in a minimalist, clean, technically perfect & really relaxed recording...this is the kind of music i want to record w/ my own songs...hmm, maybe someday...ha, ha, ha, - when the kids are all off to college or somethin' & i got all this space & time to work on my unfinished projects...(when will that ever happen??)

no regrets, "je ne regrette rien"...
...i'm just enjoying my time w/ the kids & finding the right path for me in terms of career...i know that by next year it will be clearer to me...i think i'm gonna pave the path to changing my career into the teaching field. I love teaching kids, i think i'm gonna love that challenge....also that will give me a little space to further my Yoga...maybe i can become a Yoga instructor?, if i don't like teaching in classrooms w/ discipline-challenged kids...we'll see.

for now, what else is new?
well, for one thing, i was able to silence the voices in my head, these past week when my blogsite wasnt working... just read some meditation books & listened to those voices...let them rant & rave inside me...with no need to react, just letting them be. My hubby gave me some peace & quiet, one day that Saturday, he took our little boy to the skate park to leave me all by myself to wrestle w/ my thoughts...those voices!....
i'm thankful for him that now he knows when to leave me alone. when he came back that night, i was much better. i already cried my heart out, watched some nice movie at home, wrote on my journal...until i got tired & those voices finally let me sleep....
there's just too much in this world that we can't change it seems, the more we try to change things, or people, or how people react to things, the more they stay the same way...over-reactionary & not wanting to change....Time is my only friend in times like these...i just let time pass & later on, things get clearer....the sun shines out from behind the muggy clouds...
let nature heal my soul. let the waves subside & become calm again.

one thing really special this past weekend, i asked for a sign from God, that my angel will show me a sign of where i should take my life...with my hubby as my partner or just as a friend, if that's how we're meant to be...in the end.
- Later on in life, i will look back to this moment, this "catharsis" when i listened to the signs from my angel...& i will thank God for giving me the peace & quiet to really hear what He's trying to tell me. (is it something He's been trying to tell me all along, but i've been wanting to stay in my own mud...) Where i've been wrong, & where i've been too hard on myself & people around me wishing them to change sooner than time permits. this is what i mean, only time will prove what's right...what the right thing to do is...

so much for that, so Ms. Billie, thanks for the music, the inspiration....
Life is beautiful when seen through rose-colored glasses....i want to see the world in roses, not in war, not in the deception of politicians, i will still cast my vote according to my beliefs & what my conscience whispers ...i still support all those who believe in change...for the better...but, i will do this while seeing the world in "roses"...
....my song for today is...."La Vie en Rose" (thanks Madeline Peyroux & Marc Ribot for the beautiful re-interpretation, & all the musicians who keep on making music...u guys are great...)

till then, always la vie en rose....

tuesday blah, blah, blahs...but my blogtext box is locked & i can't seem to get in & type?! real bummer...sending out an SOS to the help desk here...

& so it was on the News

I LOVE NY!!! ;)

Good Day New York!!!
i just heard from my hubby who's among the 200,000 or more strong, walking in this humid, tropical heat, marching & rallying against War & whatever else we believe is worth marching for right now...that this rally in front of MSG is really happening! it is so Happening that we won't even probably hear it on the news, just on Radio America or some public radio station...why? don't ask me why, i'm just an innocent bystander observing how things really are...

i'm just so beside myself with JOY today! i am so proud to be in NY all of a sudden, just when we've been thinking of moving outta here, oh well, it will still happen- in the near future, but i've become a New Yorker at heart. It's during times like these when i feel one with the people, almost like being back home...back in my UP college days...i wonder why we always used to find something to protest about...ahh, the innocence of Youth.
anyway, it's great that people are not afraid to be heard, to voice out in a peaceful protest what they really think about this War we brought on to another 3rd world country out for the taking, rich in natural resources - business as usual. Oh well, i've seen it happen in my own little island country. so, i guess i'm numb to it, i can only hope & pray & see that people will always rise above their miseries and be able to rebuild their little countries, their little lives with the help of God & their faith. Because the superpowers just don't care abt the little people...when it comes to numbers & dollars - it doesnt make sense to them. It's not good for business. sometimes u wud think that "little folks" like us don't count for much...I mean, why do we send billions of taxpayers'$$$ for this War & cut spending where it really matters?! - public education, health & human services, issues close to our hearts & right here at home....that's why i don't need to go to this rally...I'd rather concentrate my energies today to BEING HOME with my little son, spending QT with my little kids...the future of this country. That is my kind of "politics" now, as i'm getting older & hopefully wiser ;)
...that doesnt make me less proud to be a New Yorker, in fact i'm going to work this whole week while the Republicans go about their business, we have to go about ours...right Moms & Dads?! We have to keep on keeping on...making certain that our homes are safe & happy for the growing children...cause when we do that,they evolve into happy adults, ready to take on the best of the world - we work hard to give them the education they deserve no matter how much budget cuts happen, we have to take the crunch...if we have to tutor them at home, take more time from our already long & tiring paycheck-to-paycheck jobs (if you're among the lucky ones who have not lost their jobs due to layoffs in NYC & all that), cook nutritious meals despite the rising prices everywhere, & take extra time to do long homeworks with them; staying focused & balanced, praying with them before they sleep, wishing them good dreams, and finally have a little time for yourself to rest & be glad for another day...coming...maybe a new day is dawning...

as much as we believe in ourselves, i guess we also have to believe in a Higher Power UP there, watching us closely, angels guiding our ways towards the right direction...so, let's VOTE! (if only the whole world can vote for America - i'm sure who's going to win - J & J...)
why not? i will continue to cast my ballot according to my conscience & pray over it...keeping my Faith...in the Perfect Divine Will of God, that whatever happens is a test, a lesson to be learned, whoever wins, WE don't have to lose...We just keep on keeping on. that's all. sometimes it is that simple. Or is it?

all i know is, it is Sunday, a beautiful sunny Sunday, i should be at the beach, i don't know what i'm doing here in front of the PC, but i just had this urge to write...to blog & brag about my BIG little New York City, & all those people marching in this heat! I am there with them in Spirit. I am happy for them. (& i hope the cops are being nice cause they can be, & being patient too ;) )
& I am here, among the many mothers, wanting to be counted as One with those searching for a Change...something better than this - better jobs maybe, a better school for my kids, better neighborhood with less crime & less guns on the street (no guns wud be better but that's pushing it, i know...) - more LOVE, more music in the hearts of people & children, more music in schools & ART, more ways to allow their creative beautiful Wings to Fly...is that too much to ask??? This is America, the most powerful country in the world right? (or so they say.) Well, hooray for our Athletes in the Olympics, i mean, that's the kind of America i can be proud of...
I want my kids someday to have opportunities to be an athlete, artist, teacher, even a soldier for Peace if that's what he/she wants, as long as they know what they're fighting for. What Matters in our daily lives. I just want them to be Happy...cause when they're happy, i am set... I am happy.
well, so much blogging for today,
as usual, there's more, but this is the news for today, folks...
signing off for now, my little boy is calling out for some TLC,& some mamam...
yours truly,

:) what's the song for today? hmm, right, i almost forgot about that, this morning i woke up to my radio playing Chicago's "If U leave me now" - it was "special" - i loved it.

more than U know...

Hello there I,
my daily life is sometimes very uneventful, & my dream world is sometimes more fascinating & strange...so let me tell u what i've been dreaming up this past weekend...

i don't know why it is, but this weekend, i've been waking up around 4-5am, strangely enough, for no reason, my thoughts just drift to U...i don't really know why, maybe it's the love song playing on the radio...i don't try to direct my thoughts towards wishful thinking...but, i think of what it would be like when i get a chance to talk to u again, casually, & i imagine how sweet u are to me. i just imagine ur beautiful, calm smile & i feel so warm inside. i even imagine as i sleep on that bed by myself (cause my hubby & i sleep in separate rooms now & only sleep together when we need to )...i imagine waking up beside u sleeping & staring at ur beautiful face, & waking u up by all the emotions i'm feeling just from staring at U & feeling so happy beside U....& i magine that one of these days, ur going to invite me to go out dancing...how that will happen i have no idea...ur there somewhere far-away & with ur girlfriend of course ( i often wonder if ur married by now) & i'm here with my life - my whole family that i love with me...so, that's why this stuff can only happen in dreams....
& Yet somehow it happens that u wud put ur arms around me in a tight embrace, & not let me go & u tell me things about what u've been doing since we last saw each other...& how u were thinking of me once in a while & during those times how U wud miss me for no reason...& i wud tell u how i thought of u so much just because thinking of U & ur way of Being makes me Feel so Good...how could there be such an Ideal man out there in the Universe that is so perfect For Me & yet i didn't meet till later on, after all the stupid mistakes have already been made & hard to correct?...& Life does go on no matter what road U choose. But if i had a choice, I would've wanted to meet U first, with less fears, less heartaches & less vows to break, less obligations to keep...
...but hey, this wasn't my fate. & U prbably don't believe in Fate but in making your own Fate, which i completely agree...but, Nothing. i don't even know what i'm saying toU here, u probably don't even think of me. that's why i call this my secret love affair...with myself or my ghosts? just needing to talk to myself... i just feel like i've known U from some other distant Life, like we have a connection that transcends this physical time & space...& yet you're the type who probably doesn't believe in metaphysical stuff like these, or do U? If i ever get to tell u about these things, u wud probably laugh at me, thinking it's strange since it's unexplainable & u do believe in sticking to the facts...just the facts, just what's SO...But this is what's SO with me.... the one thing really strange that got me wondering who U are to Me, was that during the last day of our seminar (where we met), that was our little graduation, i knew that i most probably will not be seeing U in the near future...& i don't know when i'll ever see U again...but the impact U had on Me for those 3 days of listening & participating in that transformation workshop was just so Immense....
I listened to U coach us thru all our problems that were presented & issues shared & how U were being a vehicle for peoples' transformations...i just couldn't help but be in awe of U, & i kept saying to mySelf, this is the kind of guy I want to marry & grow old with, & die with & be reborn with...where have U been all my Life??? that was the running question in my mind....but i have kept that quiet, or so i thought... But that night knowing that that was the last time i might see ur beautiful face & smile again, when i said goodbye to you...i had to fall in line along with all the participants who wanted to thank U, all i could say was..."I can't forget U"...don't ask me why, but those were the only words that came out of my moonstrucked heart...that must have been a full moon night...& u know what, that night riding home in the car with my hubby, who picked me up from this workshop full of negativity & doubts about it...I felt so distant from him driving next to me & distant from the rest of the world...I was staring out at the dark night imagining u on your plane ride homewards, my heart felt like it was breaking, i felt pains in my chest that i can't explain at that time, (& i could only explain now as my heart breaking inside of me) & my tears would not stop flowing...I tried to hide my tears from my hubby, but i think he saw them & was just too afraid to ask what's wrong, afraid if i tell him the truth he wud know we had no chance to stay together ...It felt like a physical pain knowing that U and I met by some angelic chance, & then having to say goodbye so soon & not even have the chance to get to know U....& yet i knew in my heart of hearts then that I loved you...& that U are the ideal man that i love & will always love...even if it's just an ideal of U, that i made up in my head, even if it may not be the real "you"....but who you were to me during those 3 full days & nights as my teacher & coach, & that last tuesday evening of our goodbye...I knew that U are the One i truly Love in my heart that will stay in my heart Forever. What i am to U, i have no idea...& what will be, i also have no idea...will we ever find each other again??? I have no idea...for now, i know that everytime i ask my heart how she's doing, she still skips to the sound of ur name, & still smiles as i imagine your gentle face & sighs when i imagine your nice warm body against mine dancing till the wee hours of the morning...U are still in my heart & it's going to be 3 years now since i last saw you, heard your voice & bask under your beautiful white light of understanding...& compassion? was that what i felt from U??... maybe that was it...maybe that was All, the loving-kindness of a beautiful, & wise & funny stranger.

so, i guess, till we meet again,
here's a song from the Manhattan Transfer, when i hear it, always reminds me of U...

"Smile Again"....

....endless nights i play solitaire,
imagining that u were here,
one night flights such heartless affairs...
they froze the hopes of love in me...
U suddenly appear,
melted all my fears,
filled me with the love i need....
U make me smile again...like a child of three...
& i believe it will turn out right baby..."

till then, always in my heart...

take my daughter to work day!

Hello there I,
it's friday again!!! i get to take my daughter to work today (she's 12 & she can take care of herself while i'm working...so, no problema...), also my boss is not in, the other big cheese is on vacation & it's casual day too! we get to hang out in the city after work ( which is an early day for me...i'm off by 4pm) so what better way to spend this day but with my daughter?! Moms gotta get a break too once in a while, of course Dads too should be allowed to take their kids (not toddlers of course or babies unless the company offers back-up daycare, which is great)...We just don't get enough time to spend w/ our kids when we work full-time in an ofc., the weekends are just too short!, & before we know it they're off to high school & dating & have no more time to spend w/ their cornball parents...boo hoo....anyway, if i can find a home-based business or some part-time career...that would be ideal!
anway, my daughter is rushing me...not nice), just wanted to jot down some of my to-do today:

1) try to work till about 3:30 or 4pm...keep my girl busy, she's gotta get on this computer & play some games.
2) after work, go to Chi-town - my daughter wants to go get a hair-styling/trim of her long, long hair.
3) whle in Chi-town - get some dimsum snacks & bubble tea maybe. buy some goodies for the folks at home...
4) go home, & hang-out w/ my little boy & my hubby.

(& the start of the weekend) hooray!

ok, that's it, gotta sign off...guess what song is playing right this very second....
my fave - JT's "Fire & Rain" -
(? could the day be moreperfect than this???)
...."thought i'd see U one more time again? JT asks, & i agree...i know i will see U one more time again...at least before my life expires (wow, here's the drama queen again :)

till then, au revoir mon amour,

should i change my blog title?

Good Morning I,
not much to say today. just been thinking that i should change my blog title...i mean if i were to write a book i wouldn't call it - "& the journey continues...", it's too cliche, over-used & beaten down the road littered with wanna-ba-writers hung-over w/ their own self-worth & obsessive thoughts...oops, not referring to me of course. so, i was debating what is a perfect title for this journal>>>

1) my secret love affair (sounds great & mysterious but corny at the same time...)
2) "Truth is stranger than fiction" - but this has been used a million times!
3) Who Am I? - is good, but too existentialist for those ordinary day--to-day musings...
4) "raison-d'etre" - cool, but i'm not even French!
5) voices in my head - this has a certain ring to it...i kinda like it, but now for the next step...

So, it's just one of those boring days, we all have lots of those...
not much to rant & rave about, & too tired to really try...i'll just take it easy today.
too early in the morning to be tired already!
well, here's one good thing, this little song playing in my head this morning was:
"Honey Pie" by the Beatles ( & a cover done by Tuck & Patti which is great too!)
...i love this song, for those cloudy,gloomy days...it's sure to pick u up.
...anyway, here goes: "honey pie, u are driving me crazy, i'm in love but i'm lazy...
la, la,la, la ...la, honey pie, my position is tragic...i'm in love but it's ...."
( i don't know all the lyrics...sorry).
but the melody & the rhythym sure is good...
so till then,
happy singing,

now it's 5:10 pm (NY time)
i just changed my blog title to : voices in my head.... ( not the most original i know, but somehow this resonates more for me right now...i'm sure i could change it again later on, during the many more blogs, months & months later...) ohh, i forgot another good one, "talking to myself" or "writing for herself" (but that's not in 1st person, which I AM.) this is so great, i don't feel lonely & alone knowing so many people out there are also blogging their funny tragic life stories...
life is amazingly simple & complex at the same time...
well till the next blog, SEE Y'All.

do U get me?

good morning I,
sometimes i think only my kids "get" me. nobody else in the world can get me all the time. my 12 yr old girl knows exactly when i'm getting grumpy before i even recognize it myself...(talk abt an early warning device!) she's great that way...she goes: "Mom, why are u grumpy?" & i yell back "No, i'm not!, i'm just...Wow, ur right, i am a little pissed off...& then i stop & think..." so she's wonderful to have around. & then my little one, has a way of melting my heart. never fails. whatever mood i'm in, he heightens it into a positive note...every morning, before i leave for work i have to kiss him & greet him a beautiful morning even tho. he's still sleeping...just looking at his face makes my day. but on the weekends, forgedaboudit! he becomes some kind of a little dictator around the house...yelling orders like: "I want cartoons!", " I want ma-mam & i want ma-mam now!", or "Mommy, let's play!! U be this soldier, & i be that"...."or U be Rocky & i be Billy! (from his Rescue Heroes)....& wakes up the whole house to serve him...& now that he's potty trained, he goes to the toilet by himself like a big guy, my swashbuckling cowboy/soldier...I got him allright. i really should count my blessings...at least there's 2 people in the world who can totally take me for who i am...not even my husband can get me.
...u know those moments when ur only trying to communicate something & all these other stuff come up, & u just wanna give up & shut down...my husband doesn't get that all i'm saying is:
"can u pls. understand me thru all this confusion?" instead of judging me...asking why, & bringing back what was said & done before...saying stuff like, "don't be starting something again..." when i'm not trying to start anything really, just reaching out...can U hear me?

that's why, God blessed me with these two very intuitive & sensitive kids who know me before i even say anything...they GOT what it is i'm trying to say or make happen, & when something is not happening, they also know there is something missing...& it melts my heart every time one of them asks me: "why are u mad Mommy?", & both of us get stopped on our one sided-track ( a train wreck waiting to happen) & we go, "no baby, Mom & Daddy are just talking..." or some lame excuse... "trying to have a conversation..." & we become quiet, lost in our own train of thoughts.
that kinda summarizes our 5-year marriage...still trying to have a conversation...a real conversation.
...hmm, what brought this up? i don't know, just missing my kids during some free time at work. i'm so pathetic!

but hey, i don't want to dampen anybody's day that's turning out to be sunny & gorgeous after all...despite the weather forecast,
so, "keeping on the sunny side"...
till then,

daydreaming...about a lighthouse

it's too early in the week to be daydreaming i know, i usually reserve these for night time solitude...

but, like i always say, what else can i do? (it beats sitting here & staring at a blank screen w/ the blinking cursor... )
what do i daydream the most about?....Hmmm, that's easy...
...i always imagine that "ideal love", that "ideal man" that i've never met, or maybe... bumped into once in my life...but just don't have the courage to rearrange my whole life for...to see, if perhaps, he truly is the One...if there ever is a One?...
well, not to be cynical, i do believe there is a One, a soulmate, but that there are also "soul-mates" in one's lifetime...your best friends, your EX-es, your kids, your family, your soul-group...& depending on the Karma that you need to relive and reinvent...you either are blessed to be with that soulmate or doomed to walk this earth like a heart without a proper home...
... i know, i'm really vague when it comes to matters of the heart...that's my weakness, my "achilles' heel", that's where i go giberrish... did u see that movie "Troy" ( i mean, it's hollywoodized of course) but, the most touching scene for me was, the last moments of Achilles when he realized his true love, & ready to defend his loved one to the death, ready to change into a less bitter man...but as fate would have it, the prince Paris shot an arrow to his heel not knowing he was on their side... that became his downfall...the most celebrated warrior of that time... It's a tragedy of course, like most Greek myths...but it makes me think... what if?
what if, by my own undoing, because i am so jaded about relationships...& because i still don't know what that "ideal relationship" is...ok, so there's no ideal relationship, u gotta keep working on it...well,
what if there is one...where it is less work because you are the perfect match, like peas in a pod...like the Yin to your Yang & vice versa... so, here i go believing in my heart that there is a possibility of finding that true love that is complete...without too much trying...it's just there... it just IS, and how do U know for sure?
for no reason but, that u feel it most when you're together...& even when apart...it's just there....

(sigh) but like the jaded Achilles, i might be walking around, one of the many wounded (by war of the hearts)...like a lost soul searching for its harbor...seeing a vague vision of a lighthouse from a distance, far-away from her reality...but visible through a fog...what if? that light is what's real, & this reality that can crush the spirit from life sometimes, is what is not...because it is something that i have fabricated from all the mis-steps, like a mistake built on top of a mistake, to cover-up the fact that i might have made a bigger mistake?! oh God, how does one get out of that one?! (read to the tune from Rolling Stones "Paint It Black")...

trying to make right what's wrong... or trying to right a wrong from a negative place??...it only works in Mathematics right?... 2 negatives equals a positive?...but 2 positives is even better!... i hate dichotomies!
it doesn't have to be so black & white...

well, that's the sort of daydreaming that i find myself getting lost in once in a while...not too often of course...or i will be walking towards the deep end again my friend...& no, i'm not gonna go there...

till then... still dreaming,

just another monday...

good morning I,
it's rainy again in NYC, i was falling asleep in my commute...nice relaxing ferry ride is always better than the packed-like-sardines-subway. it just takes a little more time...time enough to read a book, read ur newspaper, or as for me this morning, just thinking of nothing (for a change) & just dozing off to the sight of the waves.
...someone once told me that he always pictures me close to the water, maybe i look like a mermaid? (or perhaps sing like one, i wish?!) ...well i am from the islands, my earliest memories of weekends with my family were always spent picnicking on sandy beaches...i'm sure if i had enough money, i wud live by the water...a little beach cottage & i wud be really happy :)

well, how was my weekend? it was good. i did a lot of my things-to-do, shopped for back-to-school clothes & supplies for my daughter, went to a children's party on sunday (lots of family & food), did my laundry, cleaned around the house a little, watched some Olympic games, what else...cooked a little, that's about it...
& now it's back to monday, rainy from the remnants of Hurrican Charley & Bonnie from the South...

i think i'll take it slow today...what else can i do?
it's really great when i can have lots of time to think, & not stress out. that's why i "opted out" from a corporate to a non-profit job i guess. my real reason was just to spend more time & energy with what's important to me more than my job - my Self, my family... & around that time i got pregnant with my second child & got married again- all when i was just starting out here on this job...also working here makes me feel good - the knowing that i can contribute in my own small way to making a difference in people's lives...those in need.

but my next goal is to make a more direct connection to making a difference - a career where i can really see & experience firsthand how i can help people, i wanna focus more on children...cause when i'm around kids, my own & other little munchkins, i get so much JOY & working with them will not feel like work at all. So, my goal is to change careers, maybe become an early education teacher, or special ed. (which i hear is very challenging) or maybe become a school counselor...i have lots of experience in dealing with troubled kids - starting w/ my self, then my hubby & all my other Ex-es!
so, i'll take it step by step, & hopefully one day, i will be writing here & logging in about my days in school...

for now, here in the school of life...
one baby step at a time,

friday the 13th...

good morning I, good morning All...after i checked my work emails this is the first thing i opened...i think this could definitely grow on me like a bad habit. (not that my boss will mind, at least it makes it seem like i'm so busy & serious on some project)...anyway, today i felt like treating myself so i got my favorite starbucks coffee grande w/ soy & the marble loaf! Hmm, & as i'm enjoying it, i meditate on what's new today...
well, aside from noting that it is friday - whoopee!, the 13th! no big deal, i don't believe in superstitions...the conversations i had w/ some regular folks on the bus & ferry seemed to revolve around the next President (hopefully!) John Kerry...also where we'll be during the coming dreaded Republican convention here in our city...why of all places did they have to pick NY?! i mean haven't we gone thru enough already?! after 9-11, the deadly SI Ferry crash, the sudden unemployments, the Bloombergization, FOX 5 biased news (thank God i hardly watch that news, i'm an NBC fan)... It's no wonder why I along w/ a lot of other working parents i get a chance to speak w/ are considering packing our bags & taking the U-Haul to search for a new life...a better life from here? who knows. only time will tell. my brother lives down south (of Georgia) & so is my hubby's sister's family so...at least there's equal representation from both families there. If push comes to shove, there's always some place to run to.
but as i was saying, i'm glad that there is a renewed interest in this voting process...but we still talk abt. the bitterness after all that confusion & whatever-happened-to-the-Florida-votes?...maybe people have grown cynical? ...Maybe. but after 4 years of nothing & this stupid purported Iraq war!, maybe people are at the point of vomitting...enough is enough.
i know they're talking abt the politics of "hope" but if that's the only thing left to keep working class folks such as me going, feeling like maybe a change is gonna come...well then i am all for HOPE...
i always remember where hope came from, especially for me as a kid growing up w/ a lot of "family drama", bitter images of 2 loving parents going thru their own crises, staging their tragic-comedies not realizing the little ones ( the formative not so little teeny sons & daughter) had to sit at home & witness this passion play...while at the same time trying to stay sane & make the grade in school...well, u know what i mean....
...I always turned to that greek mythology about Pandora's box, where all sorts of evils & monsters have been opened & released to the world....yikes, kinda reminds me of where WE are right now in our times...look at all the funny evil stuff shown in the movies...(i just can't be bothered watching horror flicks anymore...why raise my adrenaline for that??) ...anyway, what remained in that box, waiting to come out & redeem what's lost, what's forgotten...the last thing that remained in that box, the only thing that could give back Love & Peace to people is HOPE...
so, whatever they wanna call it, Politics of Hope, "Help is on the Way"... well i'd rather believe in something good...that there is still some inherent goodness in all of us, & that we will go out there to cast our vote for Hope - John & John, isn't that something? it's almost a sign...they have got to win this time. I don't care anymore whatever vile (which when scrambled up - comes out w/ the word evil)...stuff i hear in this coming republican convention...i just hope it's not gonna be violent around here...hey this is my city too, u know, i live & work here....what about us little folks?! pls. don't cause more trouble than what we've been through...we have families to support too u know.
anyway, there was even 1 older guy on the bus, who listened to the Democratic convention & liked what he heard....who used to be a republican, w/ a son in the Navy or something like that...who thinks that this time he will swing more towards becoming a democrat...Well, that is hopeful.
...maybe a change is brewing, a good brew just like my coffee...hmmm,
till then, happy trails,
:)