weekend warrior

strange, i have to re-type some of what i remember from my blog of yesterday - Feb.20
& i'm having this short-term memory loss that i probably will not be able to remember all of what i was trying to say...here....
anyway,
let's just do poetry....

something happened again
within the chemistry of my brains...
all i wanted was to get off my meds...
be myself again...
with my cup half-full or half-empty,
regardless,
i just wanted to express myself the way i want to....

but then these voices in the back of my mind
would come around & pay me a visit
without warning,
they love surprising me....
& what i got from them &
how i was behaving last week,
especially the 3 days leading up to my hospitalization...
i dont' really wanna call it that,
i'd rather call it my vacation, a hiatus away from Home,
to do some repairs within my neurotransmitters....
(it's like science-fiction - story of my Life)

SO,
these voices, some are angels
& some might be akin to the darker side,
i don't care....
i try to listen & decide for myself
what's right & what's real
& what are illusions....
hard to tell sometimes
when you're under the influence
of these crazy chemical imbalance....
but i wouldn't trade my brains for the world...., not even for a million $$$$;
i think I'm unique,
i believe i'm gifted,
i just can't see yet what i have to offer
the world or even in my little community
with this gift of "empathy/intuition"
i call it that, because i don't think i'm too much of a psychic....
& i would hate to be a psychic where when people find out...
they won't stop bugging u for some clues or numbers to predict
a winning for a lottery or a jackpot or some tips for bounty hunters....

No, i just want to listen to the voices as quietly & sacredly as i can....
i know that this is a gift from the Supreme Being,
not to be used heavily, meaning i should use it "lightly" - Light as in for enlightenment & no other reasons for being, neither for any other purposes but for knbowledge
& understanding alone....
Since wednesday night thru Saturday & even Sunday
when i managed to attend my future sister-in-law & my brothers' baby shower
(their baby girl is due in APril? how exciting it is to welcome a newborn
babe into our so crazy, mixed up world)
still is a wonderful world.....
(*note: song playing is L. Armstrong's "what a wonderful world....")
so back again to those friendly, mysterious liefguards of mine,
what do they say to me?
u might wonder....
they say good things & bad things can happen....
sometimes at the same time,
when something or someone is lost,
something or someone will be regained....

in one of my songs -
i wrote,

"everybody keeps so much pain inside
why don't they just realize
there's no need for Fear,
no need for wasted tears.....
we all have to move on,
follow our own dreams,
we all have to move on,
Follow our own
Dreams......"

So back to my angels' voices

they keep telling me to be on guard,
watch over my kids like a military Mom,
& if i could, i probably be watching other people's kids too,
to make sure they're safe from harm,
happy & able to express themselves fully....
with cups overflowing with goodness,
brimming over with happiness.....
but reality takes hold & i realize I'm only One person here....
trying to take on the weight of the world....
why do i always do that?
my best friend KQ thinks i'm too much,
i get too intense with what i want to do or even say...
but, i can't really help it,
i tell her...that's just the way it is...
that's how I was made, that's how God created me...
a flawed, empathic, silly, strong but sometimes weak human being...
not perfect, & not even near the Perfection that i want to achieve in my Life....

so let me tell you what happened, my story:

during the 3 days/nights - Wednesday to Friday eve,
i even lost Saturday in my memory
i cannot remember at all what i did & said that day....
& i have to ask my Mom & my daughter & my hubby...
what was i doing then?
i only remember that i was very quiet, no words,
just watching my kids especially how they interact with each other
& really made me happy to know that they already have great minds of their own....
my son D, is usually funny & loves to act out,
& my 13 yr old daughter - M,
is always the wise one,
in control of her surroundings including her baby brother...
so as i was watching them i felt a great relief that
Yes, i've been raising them well,
as best as i could - but maybe i need to do even better...
without becoming a strict nagging mom....
so i had fun with them.....
i ask D some questions, what u would call profound questions
reserved for grown ups,
& he & his sister would come up with surprisingly wise answers....
they're like Pooh & Eye-ore!
I love them sooooo,
& their well being & love have been my anchor, my lighthouse,
what have kept me going through all these episodes...




So because i know somethings were getting out of sync
in my brain chemistry...again?!
i really had no choice but to ask my hubby to take me to the
Psych. E.R....
(well he tells me later that my big brother the Dr. talked to him & my Mom & devided for me also that it's best that my hubby take me to the hospital A.S.A.P....with hopes that there i will be able to rest my weary mind....
i couldn't stand the noise of the voices anymore....
it's not driving me crazy or paranoid like the last 2 episodes....
only this time, i feel a need to decipher what those voices are really saying to me....
that my dear friend, is still a question better left unanswered for now...
only Time will tell, Time is all i have....
Time is my ally & yours too...
it is the worst & the best Taskmaster...(I've said this too many times before...)
if i don't have patience with my self
Time will teach me how to be patient....
& if i'm in too much of a rush...
Time will prove to me that there is no need to rush
i might even avoid an accident here or there....
when i'm rushing....

*another story,
like what happened on the fateful day of the Twin Towers crumbling down...
because of some extremist's fanaticism....
if not for my little boy's asking me to play with him a little longer
on that morning, & asking me to put on his shoes for him....
i might have been one of them who were on the bus
going to downtown Manhattan & arriving there at exactly that time 9:13 am or so
& bear witness to all the CHAOS of that day, ( & weeks after)that fateful regular working-day morning for most of us, that turned into a dark & mournful bloodbath....
that's going down in History...
who knows, since i used to take the express bus from S.I. that time,
i could've been one of those who witnessed people actually holding hands to jump together
like paratroopers with no parachutes....only dressed in their office clothes (i wonder if some of them jumped carrying their bags with them along??? just a curious thing for me, maybe some did, thinking they can save somethings in their bag....) I see them now as freebirds like the seagulls & pigeons that abound along that beautiful Hudson River....
If i was just a little earlier, i could've been hit by some World Trade Center debris of glass & metal & rocks....
So thanks to Time & my son's intuition i was saved from that....
and because there is synchronicity in our Lives...
that didn't happen to me...
it wasn't my time yet...
I took the later bus because my son asked to play with me a little bit longer
....that's fate is it not?

U really gotta listen to your children more than u already do...they're instinctive little folks....
that dream & play a lot, but with hearts & mind so open that they are truly sensitive to things we've forgotten or taken for granted....

& then all I saw & experienced was the huge debris that looks like a cloud of black, gray,& a dirty mustard colored skyline, full of soot & whatever other chemicals produced by those tons of debris...
& different colors in the sky that morning of mourning with lots & lots of office destruction, from furnitures, computer, office machines to billions of papers flying all over downtown Manhattan.......papers that have become meaningless all in a matter of minutes....seconds....
my fear as i was running away from those massive clouds of debris was that it looked like a chemical explosion, or something straight out of a war movie
that i thought belongs more to the wars in the Persian gulf...not here in mighty New York City...
it's the stuff that sci-fi-war movies are made of.....
when my bus was about to get into the Brooklyn Battery tunnel,
we were all stalled by traffic...
& it seemed like an eternity,
cause we already saw one of the towers' with some thing that looks like an explosion
on one or two of the floors up high,
we saw that the first tower had some small explosion happening it seemed...
it didn't look that huge until we heard what's going on inside the tunnel...
from those with their car radios working....or cell phones working...to contact the outside world (meaning those who weren't close to the scene of the crime...those in Midtown,
Uptown or other suburbs ... were all experiencing their anguish in the news....)
THAT WAS NEWS, THAT changed History....that was a humbling wake-up call for most of us....to Live Life as tho it was your last....
but for those who died unprepared...what have they got??? what did they leave behind???...why did people have to be martyred for who's causes????
(*that my friend, has been my question since then till now....)

was it worth it, to die for a country that joins in War games that really should not be our
business...mind your own business & work peacefully together on a global level, no more of these regionalistic, religious extremisms... maybe we can find the keys towards world peace....maybe someday,
but i certainly hope that that someday is coming soon.
take a look at your immediate surroundings Mr. Prezident...
especially the poorer sections of America, the marginalized folks living off the grid...who are now growing in statistical numbers....
where is the Love?
where is the Love???
where are the bilion dollars being sent?
To produce more war-related agendas,
more powerful guns, bazookas, machine guns, grenades, ak47s, more gas-guzzling & space invading Humvees!...etc. etc. too much on the military agenda that i get lost in what we can only see & hear about in our controlled media...
taxpayers's money going for the top of the line fighter jetplanes, top of the line equipments of mass destruction...


well so much for that point,
let me continue with my story of that day,

.....but the bus driver did not stop yet,
we were still slowly inching our way into that over-ly crowded tunnel,
people feeling anxioud, because why????
because we're all connected by a common thread of
wanting to survive & helping people too....
even tho. we really did not know,
we knew something more than major was happening outside that Brooklyn Battery Tunnel,
we just wanted to step outside under the bright broad daylight to see...
what was happening on our very soil of NewYork downtown Manhattan,
transported me to someplace like Baghdad burning....
BUT, despite the fears & common apprehension
some of us...decided to get off the bus,
we wanted to find out for ourselves,
someone had a cell phone that was working & he shared the news with us
as we were walking to the other side...
that the Twin Towers were hit, both of them,
by 2 commercial planes crashing right into the tower buildings....
causing it to burn & collapse with all the melting steel & crumbled slowly then all of a sudden
crumbled into a million ton of debris & broken steel...., broken buildings, broken hearts of people who used to make that their second home - their workplace....
& not to mention, broken spirits,
but for me, those people who decided to hold hands
say a prayer for each one of them....
then jumped off their burning building...
they did it the best way they think they would want to go....
& that's how it went....
a good Samaritan stockbroker guy, (typical italian dude whose name i forgot...)
was kind enough to offer me & this other lady a ride to Bay Ridge where he lives with his family & 3 boys
so we can try & make a call to our homes from there...
of course i forgot my cell phone....so
i had to use their phone too....
the italian dude. i forgot his name now (how could i ?!)
& his nice typlical Italian wife invited me to have pizza lunch with them....
as we were watching whatever other chaos was going on out there...
bridges were closed, subway lines that go downtown were not working,
only a few buses were running & it was on local stops....
& that's what i had to take to go back home to my familly
who were worried sick about me....
funny how 2 of my best girlfriends found me at that Italian home's phone no.
they called my Mom, whom i called first before calling my husband...
& she gave them the tel. no. where i was resting temporarily,
my temporary shelter in the comforts of this nice & funny family,
they had two boys, whose names i forgot too...
(i wish i had kept their names cause i wasn't even able to keep in touch with them after that)
but they have my prayer of gratitude forever....
So there, i was talking about the Perfect time...
that sometimes things happen in synchronicity....
U just have to listen to your inner voice/voices,
& live a Life that is peaceful & honoring your word,
respecting your loved ones & everyone around you....
cause if & when the ultimate destruction ball comes down....
we will all be playing the survival game....
& maybe too late....
there will be no place else to run....
we are allon the same ship,
& if our leaders are not in the careful & wise frame of mind...
this ship could sink like the Titanic...wouldn't it?
It's better to be safe than sorry,
or better yet,

it's better to be wise,
than sorry, much sorrier later

cause when u really think about it,
it's about our friends, lovers & hubbies & wives & mothers, & fathers
& especially our kids....
there's this native American saying that goes"

It was not given to you by your parents,
it was loaned to you
by your children.

We do not inherit the Earth from our ancestors,
we borrow it from our children."

they always, always call people to fight for PEACE...
Love, Understanding, LovingKindness, compassion towards your neighbors
(even if you hate them)....but love them still,
cause they can be your best teachers....in Life,
in Buddhism they say that you should be thankful that God gave u enemies
because they are the best teachers for you to learn Love, Forgiveness &
later on Transformation of your relationship to them....
by that stage - U would have been transformed by Love too....

so as Jesus Christ :

"Love your enemies,

as you love your SELF"

create a good side of them to make them lovable...
that;s all?? sounds easy right, but difficult to achieve....at the first sign of annoyance for someone pestering you....LOL -
i don't even know why, that memory of 9-11-01 stays in my brains
& in order to exorcise it so as not to cause more grief,
but transform my/our energies to positive
instead of Hate & revenge; regret & guilt & murderous thoughts to get back at someone, something, some whoever?!!!
revenge & all those other negativities....
we need to wash that out of our system....
what's done is done now,
we need to undo the damage that was our legacy from that legendary crash of the Twin Towers, by transforming our angry & sometimes evil thoughts
especially of revenge....
for what is that other saying from the Holy Mahatma Gandhi.....

"....an eye for an eye will make the whole world go Blind."

i need to write more about it....
but this blog is getting too long...

BUT, back down to reality here & what happened to me in those 3 days & nights of no sleep...
& of anxiety being driven by my thoughts that were racing at some higher frequency level,
even sometimes i cannot grasp the ideas being presented to me....
those damned auditory hallucinations, & those damned spirits roaming around our human plane to whisper some messages of whatever.... damned them (* just kidding)
i welcome them, as long as i don;t have to end up in a straightjacket or stretcher.....

This time around, i was just a little off-synch,
like a "desafinado" - a song that's slightly out of tune...
because why, i was tuning into some other higher/lower? frequencies....
I'll be the first one to admit,
that I am no psychic,
just maybe more of an empath....
(those creatures that can feel what other people feel, or sense with their 5-6 senses
what really is going on in the kitchen or the backdrop that we people continually put up
to protect our egos....)
I don't want EGO trips,
i am trying to learn this Ego game & slowly get rid of it....
slowly of course, it's hard to unlearn what you've been ingrained, brainwashed with some kind of selective education, picked out by the Board (bored) of regents in your schools....
brainwashed by all the negative lies we've convinced ourselves that we're not good enough
to even try....
that my friend, is what i mean.....
i 'm trying to slowly peel off layers upon layers of my own skin like an onion, to reach to the bottom of my soul....& learn to make soul decisions mindfully & with lovingkindness...
even if it makes me cry most of the time....
to just get to know the real Me...
what future i want to create....
what future am i creating for my kids & grandkids to be.....



i remember pacing back & forth on the evenings when i couldn't sleep, pacing from our bedroom to the kitchen, then the living room & finally checking in the master's bedroom where D & his Daddy were fast alseep & peaceul.....
& checking the view outside our bedrooms from behind window blinds....
checking for anything out of the ordinary....
also, i was checking the heater & the gas stove for any subtle smell of gas....
it was like being on a mission against anything TOXIC....
weird as it may seem to U....
it makes a lot of sense to me....

when i could'nt force myself to sleep,
it started happening again last Wednesday night....
tried to sleep really early (like 10:30pm - that's normal early time for me.)



but when i laid down on my bed,
i kept on looking at my alarm clock sitting right next to my bed....
& counting the hours of how long i could last without sleep...
finally it wsa 3:30am....i prayed to God & finally my brains got tired....
& blissful sleep came upon me....
i know i had nice dreams but i don't remember them now....
hopfully i'll remember them tomorrow....
or some other more relaxing nights & remember all the goodness,
that heals me & most everybody once they've tasted that love,
that unconditional love that seem to belong mostly amongst angels & Gods....
----- till then,
keeping my head clear & open for the U in YOU,
& keeping my heart pure & open for the I in I....
till next time....
"each morning i wake up....
i say a little prayer for U...."

later maybe,

- J

cloudy morning, but feeling better...

couldn't sleep at all last night tho,
i tossed & turned
even after meditation,
maybe i'm just a little wired...
so when i looked at my alarm clock & it said 3:30am
that's it, i had to get up & take some Tylenol PM,
it must've helped t0 calm me down a little
did some deep breathing,
then i drifted off to sleep.
Thank God.
today, it was cloudy in my commute
but it was ok,
a friend of mine,
i'd like to nickname Pop-eye (cause he reminds me so much of him...the cartoon character)
an older, well-travelled version of Pop-eye tho, very wise in his dry wit,
he's like another one of those kind strangers i meet along the way,
who just happens to be there...
to talk, even small talk,
when u need to...
we talk about what's on the news & stuff...
& whatever else,
it's good to be around people sometimes,
especially when u feel like ur up in the air again,
& need to be grounded...
so...
there,
this morning wasn't so bad at all...

they were playing "My Sweet Lord"
on the radio as i was getting dressed with my daughter...
for school & me for work...
that's our comforting routine...

so, on that note...
i'll end this blog for now...

"my sweet Lord,
i really wanna see U,
really wanna know U,
really wanna show U Lord...
that it won't take long my Lord...
my sweet Lord,
Hare Krishna,
Krishna, Krishna,
Hare Rama,
Rama, rama....
guru Rama....

George Harrison, he was ahead of his time...
all the Beatles are i think...
just a messenger of the times....

till next time,
a little tired still...
& gotta get home now...it's 5:20pm
take care ALL,
peace.
I hope it's peaceful wherever U'ALL are.
- J

feel like crying sometimes...

something must've gotten to me today...
i was doing ok, then before lunch i was just browsing on the web
&; reading about an American soldier-turned Veteran of the Iraq war...
it was an article on MSN called "the War after the War"...
i was listening to some acoustic music, it was my new old CD of
"everything but the girl" - Acoustic...
&; as i was listening to the audio clip &; looking at the photo slides...
i got chills up &; down my spine,
&; i had to hold back my tears...
at some point, i think it was about - Navigating his benefits after being injured &; amputated &; all that...misery... i had to stop, reading for a while... &; took my headphones off cause i just had to cry...
i forgot what music was playing then in my ears...but it was something strangely appropriate...
this brave soldier's story touched, him &; his family - so young,
he's only 23 &; the brave wife is also that age...
going thru this...

i was touched &; moved, inspired by their bravery
it was making me cry...
when they were talking about his disability,
it made me remember how it was for me...
just last year,
...&; the 3 years before - my first episode of the post-partum blues...
it became so close to home for me...
how real it all is, being disabled,
feeling disabled,
feeling isolated from everybody
even those u love &; care for U...
i felt my heart breaking once again...
cause i'm in the stage i'm in...
so i took a deep sigh...
freshened up my face,
took a walk...
thank God i was meeting up with my girlfriend
for lunch...
it was a good walk - down water St., (sigh)
some fresh air...is so good for U...
when u don't want to run towards medications only...
there's got to be a better way to get thru
our life's miseries...
&; even tho. sometimes "misery loves company"
when ur in the right company...
when there is Love,
when U feel the power of Love,
it is a Healing...
a true &; deeper Healing...
&; that's what touches all of us...

then my problems pale in comparison....

i believe we all go thru our own battles
but even tho. we may think we're so isolated
we are really just a part of all this
bigger picture...
the Big Picture is really,
if we keep letting war &; violence in our hearts,
it slowly seeps into the very fabric of our family,
our community...
then later on it seeps &; bleeds into the fabric
of our city,
then our country,
then later on,
we are victimizing or being victim to
other countries' miseries!

STOP!!!!
take a deep breath...
every ONE of us...
U.S....
us, starts with U & I
U & Me,
then let GO of all this fighting,
this hatred in our hearts...
just let Go,
let God as they say...
& just slow down i suppose...

i turned to my music...
i decided to blog
& listen to my favorites.
this all time fave of mine,
is... Astrud Gilberto...
her song has been playing in my soul
ever since i was a kid...
cause my Mom used to play it for herself
then...it slowly seeped into my being,
my heart & my soul...
my Mom taught me to appreciate music...
to turn to music whenever i feel this way,
whenever i'm feeling a little blue...
sometimes,
music speaks to me better than any man can...
even my husband...
funny, ur saying there she goes again...
so what, that's how i feel...

i feel protected in my music
what i listen to,
what i love,
what i sing to my kids,
what i sing to mySelf...
when i wanna cry myself to sleep,

so, am i getting depressed again???
hardly, just a little melancholy,
it's normal...
nothing wrong with me.
i'm just made that way...
a little eccentric,
a little chemically-imbalanced...
an imperfect creation of God,
but nonetheless...
God's creation.
- that's all i need to remember & keep alive in my being.
I love U,
I love mySelf
& today i really feel
love for that family struggling to make it through
their own war, after the War.

-i pray that they will be well-taken cared of.
- J

my weekend...

saturday...
(this blog came about as my hubby & i
had a heated argument (*well it's been a long while since we had one)
...we were on our way to catch the ferry
to spend some time with our little boy & a few friends
in the city, to have lunch...
& these are my musings about what happened...

missed the boat again...
i wonder sometimes, if i have totally missed the boat???
the one with a flag waving "Marital Bliss"...
or a cruise that advertises smooth sailing...
altho. i'm old enough to realize that's just false advertising
& that any relationship esp. a marriage,
especially a 2nd marriage with kids!
...one from a previous marriage & one from this...
is not always going to be smooth sailing,
there's bound to be a lot of rough patches of wind
& storms that can really rock the boat....
a lot of disagreements & misunderstandings
before the understandings set it...
but we've been married 5 years now...almost six in the summer...
& still...
Marriage is a lot of work...i know,
but why does mine seem like too much effort
just to stay afloat???
& when the littlest thing gets blown out
into another exchange of bitterness & venom...
it can get pretty toxic...
another fight over
"who started it all,
who got mad first,
who is losing his temper now,
who is really immature???
there u go again!
You're always like this!"
all this useless pointing fingers when
it is so damned obvious to me,
(i don't understand why he doesn't get it!)
that the finger that's doing all the pointing
should really be pointed back at yourself first...

& there i go again wondering...where did i go wrong?
when even the most petty things escalate into
an unrecognizable anger...on both our parts...
an untrained mind's reaction to somebody else's untrained mind...
who wins in the end???
who wins at war anyway?
any kind of war,
from the smallest war of words between couples,
friends, lovers & enemies...
to the bigger picture...like...
our war with Iraq...
who really wins when everybody gets hurt
one way or another,
whether physically, mentally...
or the deeper emotional wounds
that leave some pretty deep but invisible-to-the-eye scars...

that's why i told him (my husband)
when he accused me once again of always wanting to win...
i just stopped myself from getting any madder,
& maybe stopped him dead on his tracks...
by saying...
"No, i know I lost in this one...
I am really the loser here..."
this war between us...
i admit that I totally lost...
& miserably failed in our marriage...
but just for him to remember this same
conversation...cause it keeps repeating,
& repeating, as tho beating
a dead horse with a stick."

& now that i'm learning to admit my defeat,
i need to retreat,
in my own world where i feel safer again...
where i don't need to take anybody's judgements of me...
especially from one who's supposed to be my partner in Life?!
what kind of a life would that be???
hopefully here in my retreat
i will find some peace of mind...
hopefully as it became uncomfortably quiet between us...
he'll remember this conversation...
for its same accusations,
same waste of precious energy...
being blamed that i have once again
succeeded in ruining his day...our day...
i hope he will remember this conversation
one day when (not IF) I finally leave,
cause it holds the very same reasons why
i need to leave in the first place...
it's not because i'm selfish as he always accuses me of...
but it's because i need to be selfish
& take care of my own sanity,
find that quiet,
that peace,
& slowly work my way around
finding my balance again...

All he could say to me
to end this ferris-wheel conversation,
was ...
this is what i do...
when things get a little tough,
is that i want to leave & give up,
& talk about divorce again...
always ends up to be me
who's always on the wrong side...
& i just shrugged it off once again...
another carousel ride for me.

& in the thick silence,
our little boy who sat quietly through all this,
said in his sweet & all-knowing little voice,
"Mommy,
& I said, "Yes baby?"
"I love you"
& i almost choked, but kept quiet,
& he goes on to say...
"But I love Daddy too."
& i said,..."I know, Baby...
I love you too..."
& he replied:
"I'm sick of all this talking,
& all your fighting..."
...& both my hubby & i kept very still
& feeling ashamed, i know i did...
of our oh-so-grown-up ways of being,
& it's our little 5-year old
who can make more sense of it,
who can cut through all the bullshit,
we're putting him through...
& it gets clearer to me by the second...
& i said, "Sorry Baby"...
but my husband didn't...
he just kept on driving with his stone-cold face...
probably thinking i'm the only one who should be sorry...

well, maybe...
maybe it's time to face the music
that we haven't been really up to facing...
time to admit that we have both failed,
miserably to make each other happy...
we've been staying together for the sake of
"Family" with a big fucking F,
i know we were only trying
to do the right thing...
by staying together
for our son's sake,
& my daughter who's 13...
they could probably only take
so much upheaval in their young life
... then followed by my depression...
another year of waiting things out...
another year of needing support from all my family,
until the horizon kinda clears a little...

but now...
it's plain to see,
how we're just so wrong for each other,
how no one of us is right
when the other always makes
the other one wrong...
when it's only a warped mirror
reflecting on yourself...
who's right, who's wrong
doesn't really matter in the end...
two people trying to be right all the time
turns out all wrong....

& that i think is how
we totally missed the boat...


* after the boat ride
where we just avoided talking
& i was left to write these notes in my notepad...
we were cool with each other...
but we spent the day
mostly pretending that nothing's wrong between us...
we managed to have a great time,
thanks to the neutralizing effect of friends & some strangers...
at least we were forced to be decent to each other...
then we walked a long way down from
Chinatown to the Village with those same nice friends,
& managed to pass the time away quite nicely...
thanks again to those friends,
& our child's magical ability to be in the moment,
forget about past hurts,
& not yet knowing what a war of pride is all about...

thank God for that,
my friends & my kids...
i think i can stay afloat a little bit longer
just to set things straight between us.

- J

purses, bags, backpacks, luggages & all kinds of baggages...

ever noticed how people are so attached to their bags/baggages?

just this morning, on my commute
i decided to get coffee on the boat instead of getting it from my coffee vendor
to sip at leisure in my cube...
well, that means not a lot of seat left to enjoy the view
so i looked around & sat as close to the view of the ferry approaching downtown manhattan,
& found one ok spot - if not for this guy's computer bag (excuse me, it's leather so...)
sitting right where i want to sit & enjoy my coffee...
thinking that he would move his bag, i sat down beside him...
& whatdya' know, he wouldn't move an inch of himself or his bag!
(as if he paid for that space!! when we all know the ferry ride is still free)
i looked at him with my "if looks could kill" eyes but...
he pretended not to care...
of course, this must be tough on his part too...
no one, but no one, has ever been able to withstand my cold, flying dagger looks...
he must be truly insensitive, having chills up & down his spine, or totally numb in the mornings!
...So, i shrugged it off,
moved a few inches towards the other side of this warm wooden bench...
mtm, the guy sitting next to me, an older dude with a pouch belly,
gave me the "look" as i placed my coffee gingerly between us
...that small space for my butt, my precious morning drug (the coffee),
& the guy on my left's computer bag, & this guy with the pouch belly...
made my morning something to sigh & blog about...
it's like a Charlie Chaplin silent movie...
& i'm the damsel in distress...except i'm annoyed, not distressed.

makes me wonder out loud,
what is so precious about all our bags???
women with their purses, book bags filled with other smaller bags...
like cosmetic bags, lipstick cases, fanny packs ( i can't imagine how they got that name!)
cell phone bags, black book bags, lunch bags & other junk,
& you get men, with their computer bags, backpacks filled with
God knows what?!
it's like, Hello!!! why are we lugging our life around with us...
on our daily grind...to & from work???
when most probably we won't even have any time
to even look at the contents of these baggages,
or at best do the errands, reading books, writing notes
that we plan for carrying these baggages around with us...
all day long...only to throw them at the floor of our cubes/ or offices,
inconsequentially forgotten until it's time to close shop again & go home?
& we do this day in,
& day out...
trudging with our heavy bags as tho they're our beasts of burden...

i used to be guilty of carrying my life around me,
wherever i go,
even if it's just to work
or for a quick jaunt in the city...
but that's my commuter mentality,
afraid to leave anything behind...
afraid to let go of important stuff from home,
in case what?!
in case I die on my way to & from work?!
which could happen, by some freakish coincidence,
& sometimes unfortunately happens to some unfortunate souls,
like the freak accident on the S.I. Ferry last year?!
But when that happens,
a one in a million chance...
how does carrying a big bag help?
unless u have some first aid emergency kit in there,
or a built-in accident insurance,
or a shield against muggers, better yet, a gun!
i can't think of anything else...
but nothing in your bag can really save you from an accident...
nothing in your bag can really prepare you for what Life
has in store for U for that special day...
IN THE MOMENT...
that's where U need to be...

that's why i stopped carrying my Life around
like a ball & chain...
& started travelling light,
or lighter... i have a small cute red purse now
that i put only my most basic necessities
to go out for a day
away from home...
& when i really need to,
i carry another small shopping bag...maybe
for one book or a magazine,
or paper to read...
for a lunch bag if i decide to,
that's all i need.

my baby's photos are in my wallet
everything else is basic,
a little money, a couple of credit cards,
a lipstick, chapstick, face powder,
a pen & my address book, some paper (just in case i'm inspired to write)...
sometimes i can fit a bill or 2 in there,
if i really need to check on some current money issues...
otherwise, nada - nothing more
about my life in my little red bag...

on days that i need to go somewhere else
like Yoga, or after work stuff...
then i might carry my bigger bag,
with a fresh change of shirt & socks,
a place for my Yoga mat,
a CD walkman...(an Ipod is on my wish list)
for that long, tiring commute back home,
after a long day in the city...

Someday, i would love to travel really light...
with not even a bag...
everything will be on me,
without being too bulky on my clothes,
just to feel complete,
with my hands free,
& my mind free to wander as they please,
& my heart open,
In the Moment....

& then someday,
i will travel really, really light...
as in ...nothing on me,
nada,
just me & my body,
naked...
& my spirit,
unbound.
That would be the Day.

till then,
trudge-ing on...
& blogging about it...

- J