New Year's Resolution

i'm blogging right now to keep my sanity!
i have been crazzyyly busy these past few days & it's supposed to be my holiday!!!
so, after our family New Year's eve dinner, i tried to take a power nap after all the mad food preparations & gourmet meals...all the rushing from Christmas to now...all the get togethers, my mind was finally screaming inside..."Stop this world, i want to get off!!!"
- i told everyone i need to take a little break, my mother-in-law & my Mom were nice enough probably to realize that i do need a little time for myself - maybe a little nap will do me good, before we once again converge & get together for the countdown to the New Year's, before all the wine & toasting & noises start all over again...
so, as i was trying to take a nap, my mind was racing, just stupid petty thoughts on what else i need to do tomorrow, when tomorrow is another day...why can't i stop thinking???
why can't i relax?>>>
so here i am...i announced to my daughter & her cousins hanging out in our room (where the computer is...where my only escape from this craziness is...)
...& said, "wait i need a little time to just be by myself & get on the computer & write some stuff..." for me, a release,...for them, maybe they think i'm just acting weird & that's normal... i think they understood even a little bit...so they left me alone.

it's funny during the holidays, a mom almost has to scream at the top of her lungs, from the mountaintops, (figuratively speaking) to be noticed that hey, if u don't let me have some space...
i'm gonna explode!!! If u can't leave me alone for just a tiny bit, i will leave all of you's alone to do all the holiday preparations! Don't get me wrong, I love my family but still...
sometimes, i can't seem to take a breather...so there, i made my point.

Now, for my resolutions...not that i'm really serious about keeping them but...it's worth a try.

B - Be True to mySelf - "To thine own self be True" (from some Shakesperian tragedy)
E - Everything can crumble or fall but thine own Self

M - Maybe there is a better way...to Live.
Y - YES to possibilities & Changes first, before saying NO
S - Save for a rainy day, SAVE even for the "sunny" days
E - Everything is as important as I make them out to be...

Your Priorities Rule (first my kids & family &second, career & all the other "stuff" or "issues or non-issues")
L - LOVE is the most powerful drug...LOVE is my cure-all, LOVE is everyone's Salvation

....Love-Love-Love,

love is all u need...

F - FIRST Thine own Self, be true, & Everything else shall follow...
...& another F - Fear Nothing, or Fear - Less.

(* spells out B-E M-Y-S-E-L-F)

(big sigh....Breathing in, breathing out...) Now i feel better.
Now, i can say thank you to the year that is past, & welcome the New Year with Joy, Hope, & Love for mySelf & my family around me, & All...the world....

i'm just sad about the "Tsunami" disaster in Asia, very close to my home - the Philippines,
only a few island-countries like Malaysia & Indonesia may have saved us from getting the same beating from Mother Nature...Oh God, i pray for relief & salvation for those that perished, & those still missing their families & loved ones, & especially those who are now homeless...
(i have absolutely nothing to complain about compared to them, i have petty issues)...sorry for my selfishness sometimes...

& at exactly an hour from now, I will welcome the New Year 2005, full of possibilities of things that have never been, of places I have never been, & people i have never met...or maybe, in some past lives,
here we go again, oh well, i say you can take the soul out of a person, but u can't take the mystic out of the soul...

till next year,
"Happy trails to U,
until we meet again"...

p.s.
i hope that wherever you are,
whoever you may be celebrating with,
you are completely Happy,
& as i sing my "auld lang syne" with my loved ones,
i shall be singing it full of love,
for U too.

"we'll taste the cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne..."
- J

December

i love December!
i love the month when everything happens all at once...
it used to be stressful, now i just love it!
it's the month when 2 of my brothers' have their birthday
it's the month when my dearest little boy was born,
it's the month for Christmas preparations,decorations,
Christmas lights & trees and all;
it's the month for Christmas parties,
finishing projects at work, taking it easy...
it's the time for gift-giving & receiving,
the time for Christmas cards & love letters across the miles,
my Mom's balikbayan boxes full of "stuff"
travelling across the globe to the other side of the family...
a time to remember old friends, acquaintances &
smiling at people u meet while doing mad-shopping together...
like a shopper's camaraderie,

i used to stress out during the holidays,
just because there was so much to do...so little time...
now, i know better, & i just start early...
i'm like the early bird that catches the worm,
& makes lots of time to play with her little chickadees...

maybe it's because my two kids make me see...
all over again,
what there is to anticipate & hope for around Christmas...
even the snow is beautiful,
i don't even mind the cold,
because they love it...
i learned to love playing in the snow,
ice-skating in the park & falling on ice,
that's the only time i don't mind the cold...

i feel so blessed having my two hyper, loud & vivacious kids...

makes me feel like a child again,

pushing me past my tired & weary days,

those nights of trekking in the snowy darkness after work,

& coming home to their ever-so loud demands for attention,

i just have to sigh & laugh out loud,

& say to myself - Hey, that's their expectation...

they can't help it, U must be a Supermom...

& lo and behold i turn around, wear my cape, take off my other mask, & put on my happy face, voila!

& I AM the SuperMom - I gotta deliver on that!

...i'm slowly getting used to this idea of being a "Supermom"

(to the tune of Stevie Wonder's - "baby, wants to be a superwoman...la,la,la..." i wish i know all the words right now)

anyway, what else about the magical month of December???

this is the month when i believe miracles do happen,

sometimes it sneaks up on us, from behind our depression...

obsession about what's lacking & what else is missing in our lives...

sometimes, little miracles happen to show us that we really got what we need already, & ALL that we got is already wonderful...

& what we don't have, maybe we really don't need, for now...

For Now...I am Happy with every little thing i got...

even my issues with hubby,(makes me & him all the more stronger,& have this feisty robust relationship, huh! like 2 ninjas in relationship training!...you'd wonder who's gonna come out on top)

even this pending HUGE relocation plans with no job prospects yet!...i'm not even as worried as my in-laws think i should be...Hey what the heck?!

i've been at some crossroads in my life with not a single map nor compass before & i managed to find my way back to mySelf so...I operate on Faith - yep, hard as it may for some to believe in someone who's gone through a couple bouts of depression...(maybe she's just being manic-& later - her alter ego will show up again... Ms. Deppressive is back in town!)

i still operate on Faith...even during those darkest moments when u feel like you'll never be able to sleep for the 3rd, or 4th or 5th night in a row, wondering how to end it all, this misery of not understanding why you are so darned miserable in the first place??...with all the other less fortunate beings in the world, especially the third world, & the hungry in Africa, & those who have nothing compared to u, & countless guilt tripping nights...

i still, in a very small corner of my heart, in the recesses of my soul, still believed in a Higher Power that was going to help me turn my dark days around...an angel will come out in hiding just to protect me from hurling myself from the top of my office building (all 27 floors of it)...& show me the view from above...metaphorically, it's always happened. I must be blessed.

(one of my favorite films is the original B&W of Wim Wenders "wings of desire" - later, adapted into "City of Angels" Hollywoodized version...still great, with one of my fave songs ...

"in the arms of an angel...fly away from here...from this dark cold hotel room & this emptiness that u feel...")

& my first miracle in December, my son's birth, December 1999...was an experience forever etched in my heart (and immortalized in photos as well)... how he's growing in mind & body & spirit is a continuing miracle...

& of course there was that second miracle of December 2001, (post 9-11-01)

i knew my angels were up to something...after battling with my depression that started in the Spring of 2000, i was still looking for something, something, something... i can't pinpoint...

something missing & those naughty angels, i think they heard my prayers somehow...

in an unpredictable, lightning kind of way...there U were...my very first coach,

whatever you wanna call it, a life coach, a transformation coach...whatever...

i know, in my heart, that my angels sent U to me...even if u don't believe in angels...

even if u think this is all bulls*it, even if u were just doing your job...

being there for me, even if u will never even waste a single thought on me,

believe what u may, as i will continue to believe in mine...

it's always been my Faith that has kept me alive & strong

& happy...i haven't lost my way yet...though maybe i've strayed way too many times,

but...i've always managed to come back Home to the I in I...

so do i believe in making a Leap of Faith this time...

with this big leap to Atlanta without a safety net to catch me... if i fall???

sure, it's good for the soul...i think, & i believe there is this invisible safety net...for those who are only trying to find their way...trying to do good...

nothing would have been discovered or happened in our world without

such leaps & bounds by human-kind...

what was it Kennedy said when the first man landed on the moon??? (was it Kennedy or some other prez?)

"one small step for man, one giant Leap for Mankind..."

well, i can go on & on,

but for now...

i hope U enjoy your December as much as I will...

:) j