on "Working Moms"...

"working Moms" - isn't that a redundancy??
i don't know of any Mom who doesn't work,
even stay-at-home moms have lots & lots of work to do...they say sometimes even more...
& how about us, the double-working moms...the SuperMoms who have to put in a lot of overtime without pay...

it's 4:30 pm, my day is almost over here in the ofc., & i'm off to my other full-time job...
catch the ferry, then the local bus (that's about an hour)
walk 15 minutes to finally get home,
kick off my shoes, wash my hands & face,
change into my house clothes,
check on the kids, kiss & hug, see if they're ok and all that,
check what's for dinner, see if there's any good leftovers,
say hi to the hubby, see if he's ok, hugs,
& more hugs if he prepared dinner already :)
ask if the kids did their homework
& note to self to check on that later...
rest a bit, maybe,
then start the ball rolling for dinner & some evening quality time
with the family...
sometimes, not even anytime to put my feet up & relax...

anyway, tonight might even be worse than that...
my son's school nurse called to say that my son
seems to have some rashes around his neck,
are they allergies or bug bites, they can't tell...
& they can't give him any medicine, they're not legally allowed to...
but they sent him home with a note for me to take him to the doctor.
before he can go back to school tomorrow i guess...
anyway, thank God my Mom is home, lives with us,
& can take care of him & my daughter after school,
or i wouldn't be able to work...& we'd be in the "poorhouse"

so, when i get home tonight,
i have to drive my son to the 24 hr.- HIP clinic in my neighborhood,
see what's wrong with him if anything,
& take it from there.
after that, dinner? that would be nice...
then check what else needs to be checked,
my daughter's homework, clean up around the house a little bit...
i wanted to do my nails today (i do my own manicure, i don't like pedicures,
cause i can't stand the smell inside a nail salon...the enclosed chemical fumesl drive me nuts!)
so, when i want my nails to look prettier than usual,
i put on a little polish w/ some light colors like pink, or tan or pearly white...
that's all, i never use red or those dark colors that make the nails look a little "witchy"...

maybe i'll treat myself to a nail-polishing session while listening to some music...
to relax...but i also want to catch that first Kerry-Bush Presidential debate on tv tonight,
(that might be upsetting... )
then Yoga maybe?
that's being too ambitious now...
maybe tomorrow...
Thank God, my angels,
& all my kids' angels that there is always tomorrow.
:) another day, to do this "working Mom" thing all over again,
till i become an expert at it...i'm getting there.

but hey, it's another beautiful sunrise,
& before u know it,
here comes another weekend...
voila, we've made it through another week!
Hooray for all working MOMS!!!
till then,
stay strong & centered...

i promise to blog today :)

today i'm just trying to organize my thoughts,
i want to try a different style of blogging...
like i want to just state facts, just what IS...
without being too wordy, which i can be,
& i want to be careful with my ranting on & on...
i know this is a free site, but that doesnt give me license to just rant & rave on & on...like there's no tomorrow! *(but, isnt' that what u intended this blog to be for anyway???)
this time, i just want my blog to be less
of what my interpretations are to events in my life
and more - of what really is...what really happened or is happening,
then again the question becomes
what's real to me?
...it's a matter of perception, it gets really subjective doesn't it?...so don't go there.
so, to state only the facts
* (without trying to be too emotional or reactionary)
It will be good exercise for my very busy mind...
i want to be centered...that's what i want.
I want this blog to reflect that i am on my way to finding that center...
that balance.

so- off to my new adventure in blogging...later on...
i will come back & write just what's so...
for me, for today,
for now...
no more dwelling in the murky hidden, yucky past...& all its multidimensional
interpretational yuckisms.... i'm so through with all that drama.
Next time around my friend, you will read me as...
the one who is centered...
the one who knows what she's blogging about,
the one who won't waste your time & my time for that matter
with unnecessary words & meaningless self-chatter
(*but isn't that what this blog was originally intended for???)
- ok, i hear U... u unstoppable voices!
just go ahead, try to be quiet...
for a second, for a few moments,
while i think
& Blog myself out of here...

till then...ommm....

the seeker ;)

after a little silence

it was a little frustrating that i couldn't blog at my work.
there was so much to tell about my nice weekend with the family in Mystic,CT - & all there is to see in Mystic Seaport. but i just had to write in my regular desktop journal (not to be able to share with U)...bummer. i hate when i just get stuck with some stupid technical difficulties...i'm not a techie head & i just couldn't find a way to get my textbox unstuck so i could blog again - maybe i was a target for some stupid spamming & they locked my windows keys somehow...whatever! those Spammers have nothing better to do!
i'm mad at them...sometimes i find more creative moments at work cause there's not a lot of distractions.
now i'm at home, it's Sunday & i don't got a lot of free time...as usual it's a day for chores & stuff. my hubby & kids are planning to go to the movies today - matinee. i plan to do laundry...& probably do some cleaning up around the house, cook dinner & voila, a whole Sunday is gone!
of course i gotta put in some time to play with my kids too...

but for now, i need a little time for myself...i don't know why my CD player on this PC doesn't want to play anything either!? (sigh) can;t even listen to music...is this gonna be a bad day or what??!
No, i'm not gonna let it turn out bad. it's a beautiful cool day outside too...sunny but cool. i can feel the changing of the seasons...

my hubby's still sleeping, it's 10:30 in the morning - he likes to sleep in on the weekends. i'm always the eary bird, i wake up with my little boy who is another early bird, & my little girl...
i think kids' body clocks are tuned to nature so they wake up early with or without the alarm clock. & i just got trained to their clock so...

anyway, not much to say here. just happy that i am able to blog even a little bit. I got some new books to read : "The LIfe of Pi" (which is supposed to be really good & i liked the plot) & i got 2 books for my daughter too that she ordered - "one of those hideous books where the mother dies" & "stop pretending" (by Sonya Sones) it's really interesting, i was reading it a little bit & she wants me to read them too after she's done. we exchange books to read now that she's 12 turning 13 - she can understand some of my not so heavy reading too. "stop pretending" is very interesting, it's about what happened to the author & her family when her big sister got really sick & had to go into the psych. ward....Hmm, sounds familiar. i'm sure it is quite an experience. quite a ride...i've been there, recovered from it & yet haven't quite fully addressed it in my writings...maybe i'm just afraid to be judged by normal people...as crazy. but really, who's to say what's normal & what's crazy anyway...we're all crazy in one way or another...some are just more extreme, some, because of some chemical imbalance of the brains, or emotionally traumatic events, just go off over the deep end...& that's what happened to me...
i wrote a lot during that time, but none so understandable to anyone but me or someone who's been through the deep end & came back whole & sane....maybe that's why i havent written about it...i;'m still grappling with my experiences at that time, the visions, the "voices", my family's fears about our future, my future now, it's weird...it's a strange thing to think about the future when one remembers that time, that walk on the wild side...

...I longed for silence at that time, i had a long relief of going back to monotony & my regular routine then...i was thankful for that... i didn't want big changes, i was just happy to be able to sleep peacefully at night & wake up rested & able to get dressed without spending an hour trying to decide what to wear, black, gray, or black & gray...it became a uniform...
...i was just thankful to have none of those stupid anxieties about nothing really, little things of how i can get back to "normal" - when normal can be comforting...& the days seem all the same...& i didnt really plan much for the weekends...that was my hubby's responsibility at that time, he had to think of things to get my mind off things, he had to find ways to get me out of the house & enjoy myself even a little bit. He is a good guy for trying & doing his best. that's why it's so tough to think of leaving him...again...cause i was planning that just before i had my little "episode"... my nervous breakdown...

Life is strange indeed. & now i'm so much better...
time to think of changes again...
Fall is coming, the leaves are changing, the air is getting colder,
day by day, progressively colder,
& soon it will be Winter, another cruel, unrelenting New York City winter,
my season of discontent,
my most dreaded enemy-
when there's not enough light
during the day, & not enough light when i wake up in the morning...
& the cold gets to my bones no matter how much clothes i wear,
i pray that it won't be so bad this year...
that i can handle another winter...
before our planned move to Georgia early next year,
where its much milder, no trudging in the snow & slipping on ice...
another reason why we want to move,
for mental health reasons,
so hopefully i won't get depressed again...
nobody likes it when somebody is depressed,
no one's happy, everybody's trying to get by,
everybody's trying to make u happy,
it's so sad...
& u see right through them,
& you know they're just being good & doing their best,
& still nothing matters,
& U still feel low,
& so u continue to take ur meds ...
even if it might have made u want to jump off your office building
or over the ferry... for a couple of weeks or so...
so u continue to take ur meds....
anything as long as it may work...
St. John's Worts did not work before did it?
or only worked for a few months...& then wham!
U got depressed again!
at the time when U were feeling so strong, so confident too...
that's why the doctor said U might be manic-depressive, bi-polar!
But am I really???
or am i just weird, different,
or my brain chemistries just goes out of whack in times of stress or distress???
like that song i hear on the radio constantly...it gets annoying sometimes...
but it's good...

"i'm not crazy. i'm just a little unwell... sometimes,
so stay a while maybe then you'll see,
a different side of me..."

as usual,
Time is my best friend,
only Time will tell...only time can tell really.

i pray to my angels every night to keep me sane & bright,
to keep that light on for me...
in times of darkness...

& i pray for U too...to someday find me...
strong & bright,
a light in the dark, shining bright.

always,
the seeker...

well...Hello again!

Good Morning I,
i dont know what happened, but my blogsite wasnt working for a week there...i couldnt type anything in my text box at my work pc, & now that i'm trying it at home... it's working!? hmm, maybe the help desk performed some magic tricks & now it's fixed. maybe i'm only supposed to blog at home?! but i'm usually so busy here...

anyway, i am at home again...took a day off for Labor Day holiday & just catch up on some chores around the house, help my daughter get her closet/clothes get organized, do laundry & all that good stuff. (so i am quite busy & don't have a lot of time to blog ;)
it's great to work at home tho, i'm listening to my music of someone who sounds so eerily like Billie Holiday (Madeline Peyroux) with some really good musicians like Marc Ribot on guitar, etc...it's so cool! i love listening to jazz in a minimalist, clean, technically perfect & really relaxed recording...this is the kind of music i want to record w/ my own songs...hmm, maybe someday...ha, ha, ha, - when the kids are all off to college or somethin' & i got all this space & time to work on my unfinished projects...(when will that ever happen??)

no regrets, "je ne regrette rien"...
...i'm just enjoying my time w/ the kids & finding the right path for me in terms of career...i know that by next year it will be clearer to me...i think i'm gonna pave the path to changing my career into the teaching field. I love teaching kids, i think i'm gonna love that challenge....also that will give me a little space to further my Yoga...maybe i can become a Yoga instructor?, if i don't like teaching in classrooms w/ discipline-challenged kids...we'll see.

for now, what else is new?
well, for one thing, i was able to silence the voices in my head, these past week when my blogsite wasnt working... just read some meditation books & listened to those voices...let them rant & rave inside me...with no need to react, just letting them be. My hubby gave me some peace & quiet, one day that Saturday, he took our little boy to the skate park to leave me all by myself to wrestle w/ my thoughts...those voices!....
i'm thankful for him that now he knows when to leave me alone. when he came back that night, i was much better. i already cried my heart out, watched some nice movie at home, wrote on my journal...until i got tired & those voices finally let me sleep....
there's just too much in this world that we can't change it seems, the more we try to change things, or people, or how people react to things, the more they stay the same way...over-reactionary & not wanting to change....Time is my only friend in times like these...i just let time pass & later on, things get clearer....the sun shines out from behind the muggy clouds...
let nature heal my soul. let the waves subside & become calm again.

one thing really special this past weekend, i asked for a sign from God, that my angel will show me a sign of where i should take my life...with my hubby as my partner or just as a friend, if that's how we're meant to be...in the end.
- Later on in life, i will look back to this moment, this "catharsis" when i listened to the signs from my angel...& i will thank God for giving me the peace & quiet to really hear what He's trying to tell me. (is it something He's been trying to tell me all along, but i've been wanting to stay in my own mud...) Where i've been wrong, & where i've been too hard on myself & people around me wishing them to change sooner than time permits. this is what i mean, only time will prove what's right...what the right thing to do is...

so much for that, so Ms. Billie, thanks for the music, the inspiration....
Life is beautiful when seen through rose-colored glasses....i want to see the world in roses, not in war, not in the deception of politicians, i will still cast my vote according to my beliefs & what my conscience whispers ...i still support all those who believe in change...for the better...but, i will do this while seeing the world in "roses"...
....my song for today is...."La Vie en Rose" (thanks Madeline Peyroux & Marc Ribot for the beautiful re-interpretation, & all the musicians who keep on making music...u guys are great...)

till then, always la vie en rose....