hey there,
i'm just talking to myself really...
today, i am feeling my early mid-life crisis...
& i don't know what to do about it...
2 of my girlfriends are getting married this year
both seemed to have found their Mr. Right...
for one of them, it's her second marriage,
& for the other one,
it's her first, she's getting married to her college sweetheart
they met while they were both med. students in Upstate NY,
they're the ones having this grand garden wedding,
in Stillwater, MN,
with family & friends invited from all over the place...
I & my immediate family were invited too...
since it will be costly & all that
i was planning to go just with my daughter
because my husband doesn't want to go
we need to save money for our planned relocation trip...
makes sense but i just wanted to be there
& celebrate her special day with her....
and just be present...
but then again...my doubts come up,
here i am getting stuck in the mud again...
feeling like, do i really want to go to a nice grand wedding?
& witness all those happily married couples
cooing & aahh-ing with all their family & friends?!
I might just end up feeling sorry for myself again...
How nice to see a couple so right for each other
getting happily married
but in my head the voices are going....
what about you???
still working on my Marriage No. 2 -
my mistake No. 2!
all i can do is sigh...
i wish i could live as though i'm blind instead
& love everything that i could love of my husband
& be blind to all our growing incompatibilities...
i mean, who wants to go through another divorce?!
not me, not him for sure(even if this is gonna be just his first divorce...)
& me, between my getting sick, my bipolarness...
episodes 1, 2 & 3...
i don't know how i can handle the unknown of
being a single Mom all over again with 2 kids
from 2 marriages....
that mere fact makes my kness go weak,
& my resolve dissolve into space...
& I pray to God...
that my kids will turn out alright if ever i decide for a divorce later on...
my daughter is turning out really fine & cheerful at 13,
it's my son, only 5 years old that i'm worried about...
so there - i get stuck in the mud again...
but i know what it is,
it goes deeper than that...
maybe i'm just jealous of my girlfriends
who seem to have it made,
have a happy successful marriage
to a happy successful guy...
with great careers too...
unlike me...
& for a little while
i feel like a nobody....
only for a little while...
then i see myself with my kids,
& i realize i am never a nobody to them...
so back to reality...
& count my blessings
& it's not so bad after all...
(*to the tune of Coldplay - "Sparks")
& that's what this blog is for...
just to release my blah, blah, blahs...
my blah, blah blues for the moment...
for now, i want to love the one i'm with...
whatever it takes to make my family happy
& of course, usually when u can make someone else happy,
you will feel happy too...
sometimes when you create a happy atmosphere at home,
really create it in the present moment
u get caught in it too...
& start feeling happy instead of down....
some of that magic happiness will surely rub off on you...
i just don't want to go to this wedding anymore...
weddings, funerals...
celebrations of life like these
have a way of getting to my sensitive side...
& i just don't know how the heck i'm going to react...
i meight get sad all of a sudden for myself,
& then what...start crying at a friend's wedding???
so, am i a bad friend for not going to my friends' wedding???
well, the wedding will go on happily with or without me...
that's all i can say right now.
- till next time...
- j
