Journal entry
Aug. 1, 2003
I feel like I’m waiting for something, waiting to get better, waiting be freed from this dark depression…waiting day in and day out, week to week, feeling lucky if I can make it from one month to the next without any breakdowns, & with very small improvements (better than no improvements of course)…but waiting in a painstaking way that almost drives me crazy, waiting in a mind-numbing way for things to get better.
Sometimes I ask God, what have I done to deserve this kind of illness…I must have done some bad things that I need to be punished for now…but it’s not my fault I got sick…it’s a chemical imbalance, I’m just scared if I have to live with this all my life…or will I get back to normal? What is normal after this episode? I wonder what will be considered normal for me after this year of numbness and lack of motivation for anything.
Everyone around me can see some improvements, they say I’m smiling more now, & I can laugh a little more…but what they don’t see is that inside sometimes I still feel that quiet desperation that my life is going on a dead-end street, that my life is going nowhere, & I don’t even know where to start to make some changes to find that elusive happiness for myself and my life with my family. This quiet desperation pervades my entire being & I hope it’s only because I’m still under the cloud of depression, & that someday soon it will lift & I could see some hope in my life after all.
