my daily life is sometimes very uneventful, & my dream world is sometimes more fascinating & strange...so let me tell u what i've been dreaming up this past weekend...
i don't know why it is, but this weekend, i've been waking up around 4-5am, strangely enough, for no reason, my thoughts just drift to U...i don't really know why, maybe it's the love song playing on the radio...i don't try to direct my thoughts towards wishful thinking...but, i think of what it would be like when i get a chance to talk to u again, casually, & i imagine how sweet u are to me. i just imagine ur beautiful, calm smile & i feel so warm inside. i even imagine as i sleep on that bed by myself (cause my hubby & i sleep in separate rooms now & only sleep together when we need to )...i imagine waking up beside u sleeping & staring at ur beautiful face, & waking u up by all the emotions i'm feeling just from staring at U & feeling so happy beside U....& i magine that one of these days, ur going to invite me to go out dancing...how that will happen i have no idea...ur there somewhere far-away & with ur girlfriend of course ( i often wonder if ur married by now) & i'm here with my life - my whole family that i love with me...so, that's why this stuff can only happen in dreams....
& Yet somehow it happens that u wud put ur arms around me in a tight embrace, & not let me go & u tell me things about what u've been doing since we last saw each other...& how u were thinking of me once in a while & during those times how U wud miss me for no reason...& i wud tell u how i thought of u so much just because thinking of U & ur way of Being makes me Feel so Good...how could there be such an Ideal man out there in the Universe that is so perfect For Me & yet i didn't meet till later on, after all the stupid mistakes have already been made & hard to correct?...& Life does go on no matter what road U choose. But if i had a choice, I would've wanted to meet U first, with less fears, less heartaches & less vows to break, less obligations to keep...
...but hey, this wasn't my fate. & U prbably don't believe in Fate but in making your own Fate, which i completely agree...but, Nothing. i don't even know what i'm saying toU here, u probably don't even think of me. that's why i call this my secret love affair...with myself or my ghosts? just needing to talk to myself... i just feel like i've known U from some other distant Life, like we have a connection that transcends this physical time & space...& yet you're the type who probably doesn't believe in metaphysical stuff like these, or do U? If i ever get to tell u about these things, u wud probably laugh at me, thinking it's strange since it's unexplainable & u do believe in sticking to the facts...just the facts, just what's SO...But this is what's SO with me.... the one thing really strange that got me wondering who U are to Me, was that during the last day of our seminar (where we met), that was our little graduation, i knew that i most probably will not be seeing U in the near future...& i don't know when i'll ever see U again...but the impact U had on Me for those 3 days of listening & participating in that transformation workshop was just so Immense....
I listened to U coach us thru all our problems that were presented & issues shared & how U were being a vehicle for peoples' transformations...i just couldn't help but be in awe of U, & i kept saying to mySelf, this is the kind of guy I want to marry & grow old with, & die with & be reborn with...where have U been all my Life??? that was the running question in my mind....but i have kept that quiet, or so i thought... But that night knowing that that was the last time i might see ur beautiful face & smile again, when i said goodbye to you...i had to fall in line along with all the participants who wanted to thank U, all i could say was..."I can't forget U"...don't ask me why, but those were the only words that came out of my moonstrucked heart...that must have been a full moon night...& u know what, that night riding home in the car with my hubby, who picked me up from this workshop full of negativity & doubts about it...I felt so distant from him driving next to me & distant from the rest of the world...I was staring out at the dark night imagining u on your plane ride homewards, my heart felt like it was breaking, i felt pains in my chest that i can't explain at that time, (& i could only explain now as my heart breaking inside of me) & my tears would not stop flowing...I tried to hide my tears from my hubby, but i think he saw them & was just too afraid to ask what's wrong, afraid if i tell him the truth he wud know we had no chance to stay together ...It felt like a physical pain knowing that U and I met by some angelic chance, & then having to say goodbye so soon & not even have the chance to get to know U....& yet i knew in my heart of hearts then that I loved you...& that U are the ideal man that i love & will always love...even if it's just an ideal of U, that i made up in my head, even if it may not be the real "you"....but who you were to me during those 3 full days & nights as my teacher & coach, & that last tuesday evening of our goodbye...I knew that U are the One i truly Love in my heart that will stay in my heart Forever. What i am to U, i have no idea...& what will be, i also have no idea...will we ever find each other again??? I have no idea...for now, i know that everytime i ask my heart how she's doing, she still skips to the sound of ur name, & still smiles as i imagine your gentle face & sighs when i imagine your nice warm body against mine dancing till the wee hours of the morning...U are still in my heart & it's going to be 3 years now since i last saw you, heard your voice & bask under your beautiful white light of understanding...& compassion? was that what i felt from U??... maybe that was it...maybe that was All, the loving-kindness of a beautiful, & wise & funny stranger.
so, i guess, till we meet again,
here's a song from the Manhattan Transfer, when i hear it, always reminds me of U...
"Smile Again"....
....endless nights i play solitaire,
imagining that u were here,
one night flights such heartless affairs...
they froze the hopes of love in me...
U suddenly appear,
melted all my fears,
filled me with the love i need....
U make me smile again...like a child of three...
& i believe it will turn out right baby..."
till then, always in my heart...
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