mental health day

it's 5PM & here i am typing away in my ofc. cube,
thinking that i need to take a mental health day off tomorrow...
also i haven't been feeling too great,
as in down in the dumps kind of like the weather...
cause it's been cold still...around the 30's in my morning commute
& then turns to around 40's only during lunchbreak, then back to
the cold 30's on my way home...
plus, i have this nasal congestion
that i attribute to my reaction to the new meds. i need to take...
& to exacerbate the situation further,
i think i got my son's cold/cough...
i've been getting a few cough attacks that don't feel good at all.
no phlegm, but i have congestion both in my sinus & my lungs...
thank God i'm not yet spitting up some blood!

but yeah, tomorrow should be a day of rest for me,
not that i can ever just do NOTHING,
that's only when i'm really sick & dying & need to stay & sleep in bed all day...
that's when i catch a flu...
we've been lucky this winter with just short bouts of a cold, coughing spell...
no major flu bug has hit our home
& for that i'm so thankful to God.

but again, for tomorrow...
what should i do for my mental health day???
hmmm, i could re-arrange my clothes closet & organiZe it again....
even tho. i can't change it yet for Spring/Summer season...
i could at least take some clothes out that i hardly use,
& either donate them once again or just
store them upstairs in the attic...
the famous scary attic...
famous for it's unhealthy air thick with dust & useless junk lying around
collecting more dusts & mites...& dark & dank....

i should not venture up there in that attic
if i want my cough/cold to go away...
but i might just need to store some stuff away...
do a little clearing.

I think that's what i'll do on my mental health day off,
do some Feng Shui clearing of my living space...
where i sleep & relax,
where i cleanse myself & do my daily bodily functions,
like where i change my clothes for work & home,
& where we all eat & mingle-
enjoy each other's relaxing company, L-O-L


Hmmm, sounds like a project already.
well, better than being bored out of my head here in my cube...
with little things to do on the computer,
too much spare time to practice my Mavis Typing tutorial,
& other tutorials that i can come up with...
while there's too much to do at home...
there's got to be a balance somewhere...
so let me start at my homefront.

till next time,
happily blogging away,
- J

back on track....

Hello, so after that 3rd episode,
a 3 day stay in the Psych ER at Bayley Seton,
and of course meds, meds, & more meds...
i forgot what it was i was given that night, Sunday night,
that helped me finally rest my reactive mind,
& go to sleep...
my hubby says they had to give me Haldol,
(yup, the one that knocks u off your feet...)
so you can rest...good.
then they started me on
Klonopin, or clonazopine,
and Zyprexa or Olanzapine - (whatever, i forget the generic name,
all i know is at least it's not that most dreadful, dulling Risperdulllll!)
and i was just out from work for a total of 5 days - one week's worth of work,
since this last episode started happening the week before,
esp. from Friday night Feb 11 - till it culminated to
my voluntary checking-in to Bayley Seton hospital for treatment
on Sunday evening (feb. 13)
i feel sorry for my husband that i had to be in that locked hospital
on Valentine's day...
he was asking me if i remember that he brought me a dozen fresh roses in peach color,
but i had to admit to him the truth
that i was having some serious short-term memory loss...lately,
this is probably a by-product of my brain chemistry going out of whack,
my neurotransmitter getting all crossed & haywired,

but so what...it was just another day...
my timing in Life is really funny,
it is sometimes so off that it becomes like a joke...
except I am the joke or the Joker...
(to the tune of "I Started a Joke")

... i started a joke,
....that started the whole world crying....
....i didn't know the joke was on me...
.....& I started to cry,
... that started the whole world laughing.....

anyway, so what's next...Ms. dyslexic
(can't even type straight now)

welll...give me a little more time
& i'll surely think of something...
somethign to share
something to write about,
something to laugh & cry about...
something to blog about....

for now, i'm working on my draft...
hopefully someday, it will take the shape of
a readable book, some kind of fictional semi-autobiography
or is that, an autobiographical fiction???
since i'm writing about true events in my life anyway...
but it's subject to interpretation...
mine & ur interpretation...


whatever...
so, where am i again?!
i'm home now,
begging for some time for Me,
some peace & quiet with my 2 kids constantly demanding...
my attention, my time, my love...
it's ok, i take my breaks when i can...
like now.

i was just wondering what's next for me...
it seems being bi-polar can be a forever kinda condition...
like where can i run to...
when i can't really run away from mySelf...

so, i've learned not to be afraid
to face your worst demons,
your worst nightmare...
cause i've been there,
done that...
came back to life...
came back to me...

in fact, i wanted to go back to work after that 3 day hiatus...
i told my doctor that i am ready to go back to work...
it won't kill me...
since i'm already on the stabilizer meds.,
so back to work i was...
my hubby & i even had fun on our Broadway night of
"The Phantom of the Opera"
i was normal all throughout the night...
& just this past weekend...
we carried on with our first ever family ski-trip
to the Poconos,
with some family friends who also has 2 kids,
one of my best friends Rhaiza & his old best friend Ken...
they were a stabilizing factor to us too...
so that conversations were lighter, bearable & even fun
between me & my hubby...
the kids had a blast,
the Daddys went sledding with the little kids who aren't allowed to ski yet,
I, like a kid, had a blast too,
learning to ski in Mt. Shawnee for the very first time...
even did the lift with my girlfriend as my buddy...
only she was on her second time skiing,
& i was on my first...
she got to ski downhill without much trouble...
while i was up there on top of the downhill slopes,
fallen with my skis on one side & my poles on the other...
i must've looked really pathetic...
it must've been like 10 full minutes that i laid down on that snow...
& debated whether to even bother skiing downhill
or just get the damned skies off & walk it down with my ski boots,
both prospects were not very appealing...
but i was able to summon up enough courage
to finally make it downhill
with only 3 falls....
whew! what a relief & what a rush
to finally find my balance on those slippery slopes....
do i love the sport???
well, i can say i loved the feel of the mountains
in all that white snowy splendor,
& the cold wind on my face...
but not the pain on my butt & legs when i fell
down a few times,
I just need more lessons to really enjoy the sport...
right now, i can clearly feel the aches & pains...
not bad, but reminding me of my "ripe old-age" of 40....
yup, i must be having an early mid-life crisis...
with all these breakdowns...
BUT, it could be the exact opposite too....
i could be experiencing an early mid-life crisis
because in my next life (after how many more breakdowns...)
will be the breakthrough that i've been waiting for...
what am i waiting for????

- like what everybody else is looking for...
true happiness...
a complete sense of self.
a contentment that can only be explained as wisened through experience...
the experiential life is the only way for me to live...
I learn better that way...
my daughter even said to me one day...
that the way that i'm teaching her about LIFE is
by making her experience it...
not necessarily by the book,
or by talking too much about stuff that will make no sense later on
in her life...
i was so proud of myself & her when she said that...

she's kinda following my footsteps
in the school of Hard Knocks...
in this University of Life...

just as long as i know she's fine,
& my little boy Diego is fine too,
I usually am fine myself...
just a little incomplete...
maybe...
searching for my better (not bitter) half...
the Yang to my Yin...or the Yin to my Yang...

i know that someday
I will find IT.

till then,
what else can i do but make a Home out of every home
i live in.
till then,
travel on through these daily living...we all gotta do...
sometimes i get de-railed by my own over reactionary ways
of dealing with stuff...
sometimes it's just plain hormonal,
chemical imbalance of the brains...u know the deal,
for sure if & when i die,
don't try to use my brains for brain transplant onto anyone else,
unless he/she has the makings of an urban warrior...
someone ready to fight for what he/she believes in...
or he/she will just go mad...a berserk way of living!
not too appealing huh?

use my heart instead...
cause it is always half-full...
sometimes i even feel like it's a cup that runneth over...
in love....
i love to feel love & be loved...
so,
till then my love...
happy trails,
happy downhill-skiing,
keep pulling ur-SELF up whenever U fall,
& especially
enjoy the view...of
LIFE,
:) J

"SO LONELY"

*listening & blogging to the very best of STING & THE POLICE!!!
my all-time favorites...

Oh my God,
i could go on & on
with this blogging
while listening to my best of the best - Sting's songs....

"i hope that someone gets my...
i hope that someone gets my...
message in a bottle,...
YEAH!"


seems i'm not alone being alone....
a hundred million castaways
looking for a Home...."

someday, maybe
someone will get my message in this blogger....(LOL)

but i'm not really sending out an SOS...
just need to release...
the best kind of therapy...
release, & breathe....
Ommmmmmm .....In......
Ommmmmmmm.....Out.....

so what about today huh?
not much really,
just happened to take a 1/2 fair share day off from work
so i could do my dentist appt. thing,
& there was J&R records...
so there, i went shopping....a little...
& tho i must've had The Police's old records,
i still wanted to have this one...
this definitive collection of....
their very best of....
I agree, i love it...
& it's quite uplifting & inspiring....
especially as it reminds me of my wild college days...
where i would dance punk-rock (not Goth - just to set things straight)
to the Police's beats...even by myself on the dancefloor
till i work up a sweat....
I love to dance...
that was one of my ways of losing myself...
in the song, the beat, or just the emotions inside it....

i want to talk lightly tonight...
it's nightime here already....7:19pm on my PC watch...
i wonder how other bloggers are doing?...
sure is a lot of fun here...

so, after a little of this,
a little bit of that too...
i'm going to prepare a light dinner
tonight it might just be hotdogs with onion relish & honey mustard
with some cream of mushroom soup...
not too hungry,
but need to eat too.

i wonder,
am i being extreme right now???
am i being my Bipolar Highness???
that's the new term i coined for mySelf...
whenever IT (whatever IT may be) hits me...
that I am indeed a Goddess...
a Royal Highness of my own dominion & creation,
which is nothing but my little world....
the world that i am creating,
& creating for my kids,
for their world too...

the future is way too far to see...
NOW, HERE is all i got...
& Wow, ain't i the Lucky One
I GOT my little boy Diego by my side here....
quietly listening to Mommmy's keyboard typing away & the music....
listening to Sting's music with me,
how much more special a moment is this?!

as i promised him once i'm finished for now on this PC....
he will help me & be the sous-chef assisting me
with the dinner preparations.
Oooh, how formal!

so much fun....
i assigned my hubby to toast the bread just right,
& i will take care of the rest...
including the ambience....
do u want candle-light with that hotdog dinner please???
oh, would u please?
maybe some more Sting music so i don't get hungry....
& all i'll be doing is listening as i cook,
& as i eat...
hmmm, that would make me somewhat disconnected right?
wrong, we will all have to connect while eating dinner
& listening to music at the same time....
ain't nothin wrong with that Baby!

well,
too bad
i gotta go for now...
later again,
Maybe....

"i'll be watching U....
every step u take,
every move u make,
every game u play,
every bond u break.....
.....i'll be watching U...
every single day..."

LOL
;) J

my Mom's birthday

today is Tuesday, March 1st & my Mom's 68th Birthday...
as is my tradition since she started living with me
to help me out with my babies growing up....
I always take a personal day-off from work to just be with her...
& help her with whatever she wants to do & celebrate that day...
today i asked her if she wanted to go see a movie
since there are so many good movies out...
I myself want to go see "Constantine" - sounds like a really good story,
she wanted to see "Phantom of the Opera"
(which i just recently saw with my hubby on a sort of post-Valentine's date
on Broadway- Majestic Theatre - i thought it was great...
great production & all,
but my favorite is still Les Miserables on Broadway - because of the
beautiful songs & story...)

well, since it started snowing here in NY yesterday afternoon,
& it only got thicker overnight,
now she doesn't feel like going to the movies...too cold maybe?

So, i'm just preparing to cook a Flip. dish called
Pancit Bihon (Chinese-influenced food made up of fine rice noodles with either chicken strips, mushrooms, vegies like bamboo shoots, waterchestnuts, green beans, etc.., all mixed in once the rice noodles have been prepared - all i have to do is throw everything together - sauteing it until all the flavors settle & is good to the taste test!) That simple.
I want to do things simpler nowadays....
especially since i notice i got no choice anyway.
Each time i overdo stuff,
like plan too many activities for fun or even not for fun at one time...
or if i get too overly sensitive over what my hubby & i argue about....
it's like I'm the only one heading for a breakdown! (how can everybody stay sane all the time in these very insane times??? i don't get it....)
sometimes i just want to run away & hide!

my best friends, KQ and DJ,
tells me all the time
that i'm too hard on myself...
that i should take it easier...on my own expectations of myself
& expectations of others around me...

so,i am trying my best to keep it simple...
what was it someone told me was a favorite 70's expression
or maybe it's from the 60's...
K.I.S.S. - Keep it Simple, Seeker.
or maybe they really meant...
Keep it Simple & Stupid....
however way they meant it,
it's good enough for me...

back to my Mom's b-day....
it's kinda sad,
that it's been almost what, 18 years now
that she's been celebrating her birthdays with us her kids...
(tho. none of us are kids anymore,
i'm 40 now, my oldest brother must be 43,
& the rest of my brothers are all around 30-ish,
the youngest of all was my brother who was conceived by accident
- what else is new huh? that's Philippine's birth control for you that doesnt; really work - third world blues...)
my youngest brother must be only in his late twenties,
he's 10 yrs. younger than our second to the last brother (my fifth brother who became a doctor, thanks to me & Mom, for our persistence & consistency
in sending him his tuition money for med school back when he was still a student in the Philippines - one of the top Universities for Medicine there - University of Santo Tomas, run by the catholic Dominican order....) they were cool priests & also human....i got nothing against them at all....

but as i was saying...
my Mother must have learned to change a lot of her old habits
those nagging habits of getting used to anticipating her old husband's
(my daddy) being able to celebrate with her on their birthdays....
especially since they were born only 1 day apart...
my Dad's bday is Feb. 28 & my Mom's is March 1st....
sometimes when we get a leap year,
we celebrate their birthday on Feb. 29th....
a grand celebration for both all in one day...
it's fun!

I know that my Mommy misses my Daddy a lot....
same way i missed having a father to run to esp.
around the time when i was in High School & College....
when it would've been nice to have someone -
a father figure to help me figure stuff out,
especially about boys or men....
it's all the same....
i bet my Mommy had to rely only on her Faith
as i did, taking leaps of faith,
sometimes wearing my heart out on my sleeves carelessly,
& more often than usual guarding my heart against
any "predatory" wolves out there...
who in my young heart could be pretty charming, fun &
quite an adventure, like a fun ride....

with my Mommy, it's different;
because she never was interested in getting remarried.
She would not admit that she wanted to remain faithful to my
Daddy who was the unfaithful one in the relationship....
nothing too hard to bear now that i'm 40,
fact is, I even got closer to my sister & little brother same age as my
youngest brother here...from his second wife....
living in Mississauga Toronto, Canada....
Well, my Mommy's excuse is she's married to Jesus
or in other simpler words,
she has devoted her free time to praying,
getting together with her "Handmaids of the Lord"
or religious groups like "Couples for Christ"....
that i think is very good, it's all good...
but not for me anymore....
i did my share of Catholic education,
& lately i realize where my soul is really called to...
it's Tibetan Buddhism...so simple & peaceful than most other
philosophies

believe me, i had my share of being very, very religious...
back in my homecountry the Philippines,
your religion sometimes is the only thing that keeps you from
taking the knife...
like if it was a choice of killing yourself or someone else
because of poverty...because of whatever, usually in a third world
it is a poverty of resources, money, livelihood, even hope....
so it was a choice one consciously makes to Believe in a GOD,
& try their darnedest way to keep their heart in the right place...
beleiving that there is a better future out there somewhere
waiting to be found as long as they continue working
for their family, for shit-pay, or renting in what would be
considered a tenement or squatter's area here in the U.S....

so, i chose to be closer to God
& all the many faces/phases of our Mother Mary....
rather than get caught up in the vicious cycles happening outside
my home & outside the church of committing
petty crimes just because there's poverty in the family...
well, the church we used to go to,
was like a Sanctuary to me....
i joined the sunday choir there that played Filipino religious folk-guitar
& also some folkie english church songs....
& i continued doing this through College,
except i joined a semi-professional concert chorus that performs all over
Manila & even toured in the US & Canada (i think)
but i didn't join that tour, because of economics....
i had no sponsor to sponsor me for that trip....
(sigh) money, money, money...
makes the world go round right?

i say, MONEY - "Damned if U have it, Damned if U don't!"
there's gotta be some kind of balance....in the World.

So, my Mommy seems to be quite content with our little parties,
her weekend get together with other fellow filipinas/& their husbands,
& attend their masses by Filipino or American priests sometimes,
& say their monthly 2,000 Hail Marys',
which is supposed to be a novena to Mother Mary for PEACE
& towards an end to this war....
this is where she is happiest & most active....
aside from the wonder that she does by taking care of my daughter & son....
her "Apos" (grandkids)....she already helped take care of my older brother's
3 kids when they were just little...
& she transferred to be with me...
to help me with my little kids....
& now that we're moving on to Atlanta, GEORGIA....
i wonder where she will want to go....& live with....
Me? while i'm kinda in transition, no job security yet,
& not even a very secure marriage....but, with 2 beautiful kids....

or maybe My Mommy will want to stay here in Jersey City,
with all her prayer group friends,
& help my youngest brother in taking care of their new coming
little baby girl...
(seems to be the role she took on, the story of her life
ever since my Daddy left us...)

whatever, she decides,
i will honor it....
she & I have gone this far to know that
we will always be there for each other,
no question about it....
nothing need to be said....
just ask, & it will be given.

So, for now,
so lucky that my son Diego who did not have school today
because of the snow here (about 4-6 inches only!)
so lucky that he fell asleep while listening to my music on the PC,
(Everything but the Girl, & Josh Groban's first CD)....
& my Mommy on the phone with her friends,
i'm so lucky to have this luxury of time to Blog...

& soon enough, gotta stop....
& start with my chores of cooking that Pancit Bihon
but first...
take care of my SELF...
I'm gonna go for a long nice, hot shower
with aromatherapy of lavender body wash,
& listening to my music....
sing in the showers as tho i'm "singing in the rain"

anyway,
see, I am happy today...
how can i not be???
No work, beautiful white blanket of snow outside...
yet not too much that it's a struggle to shovel...
just mild & so peaceful when everything looks white
on top of tree branches & on those two benches under a dogwood tree,
i always see from our kitchen & bedroom window
(I see it now as i'm blogging)....

well, till then,
gotta get back to....
doing more stuff....
oh did i tell u, i have finally caught up with my
family photo albums?!
now THAT is an achievement not to be dismissed....
cause i love doing my family scrapbooks....
& next in line,
are my kids artworks...
which are here & there...somewhere....
i have to put them in one central place
like their very own scrapbooks....

both my hubby & i have different albums,
like his is on his MAC computer,
hard drive, & also on CD's....
mine is in CD's but i also like to
keep the print photos for like a souvenir...
to be placed on my future coffee tables...
a good conversation piece...
or just a good way to see how
our lives roller-coastered through times...
fast froward & backwards....
i noticed how i have a couple of years where i didn't have a lot of photos....
& i know why,
those were the years i had my attacks/ my episodes OK!
of whatever, manic-depression, bipolar-disorder....
so even the pictures are in disarray or
well at the very least, not in chronological order....
so what...
it's what can be salvaged that's KEY,
a picture can say more than a thousand words right??

well, (sigh) gotta sign off for now...
later again, promise....
LUV & BIG HUGS!!!!
& to my MOMMY - all the best, & the happiest birthday ever...
more to come....straight from my Heart to hers,
& Yours,...
:) J
yogi Berra - "it ain't over till it's over..."