hey there,
i'm just talking to myself really...
today, i am feeling my early mid-life crisis...
& i don't know what to do about it...
2 of my girlfriends are getting married this year
both seemed to have found their Mr. Right...
for one of them, it's her second marriage,
& for the other one,
it's her first, she's getting married to her college sweetheart
they met while they were both med. students in Upstate NY,
they're the ones having this grand garden wedding,
in Stillwater, MN,
with family & friends invited from all over the place...
I & my immediate family were invited too...
since it will be costly & all that
i was planning to go just with my daughter
because my husband doesn't want to go
we need to save money for our planned relocation trip...
makes sense but i just wanted to be there
& celebrate her special day with her....
and just be present...
but then again...my doubts come up,
here i am getting stuck in the mud again...
feeling like, do i really want to go to a nice grand wedding?
& witness all those happily married couples
cooing & aahh-ing with all their family & friends?!
I might just end up feeling sorry for myself again...
How nice to see a couple so right for each other
getting happily married
but in my head the voices are going....
what about you???
still working on my Marriage No. 2 -
my mistake No. 2!
all i can do is sigh...
i wish i could live as though i'm blind instead
& love everything that i could love of my husband
& be blind to all our growing incompatibilities...
i mean, who wants to go through another divorce?!
not me, not him for sure(even if this is gonna be just his first divorce...)
& me, between my getting sick, my bipolarness...
episodes 1, 2 & 3...
i don't know how i can handle the unknown of
being a single Mom all over again with 2 kids
from 2 marriages....
that mere fact makes my kness go weak,
& my resolve dissolve into space...
& I pray to God...
that my kids will turn out alright if ever i decide for a divorce later on...
my daughter is turning out really fine & cheerful at 13,
it's my son, only 5 years old that i'm worried about...
so there - i get stuck in the mud again...
but i know what it is,
it goes deeper than that...
maybe i'm just jealous of my girlfriends
who seem to have it made,
have a happy successful marriage
to a happy successful guy...
with great careers too...
unlike me...
& for a little while
i feel like a nobody....
only for a little while...
then i see myself with my kids,
& i realize i am never a nobody to them...
so back to reality...
& count my blessings
& it's not so bad after all...
(*to the tune of Coldplay - "Sparks")
& that's what this blog is for...
just to release my blah, blah, blahs...
my blah, blah blues for the moment...
for now, i want to love the one i'm with...
whatever it takes to make my family happy
& of course, usually when u can make someone else happy,
you will feel happy too...
sometimes when you create a happy atmosphere at home,
really create it in the present moment
u get caught in it too...
& start feeling happy instead of down....
some of that magic happiness will surely rub off on you...
i just don't want to go to this wedding anymore...
weddings, funerals...
celebrations of life like these
have a way of getting to my sensitive side...
& i just don't know how the heck i'm going to react...
i meight get sad all of a sudden for myself,
& then what...start crying at a friend's wedding???
so, am i a bad friend for not going to my friends' wedding???
well, the wedding will go on happily with or without me...
that's all i can say right now.
- till next time...
- j
Friday, April 01, 2005
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
mental health day
it's 5PM & here i am typing away in my ofc. cube,
thinking that i need to take a mental health day off tomorrow...
also i haven't been feeling too great,
as in down in the dumps kind of like the weather...
cause it's been cold still...around the 30's in my morning commute
& then turns to around 40's only during lunchbreak, then back to
the cold 30's on my way home...
plus, i have this nasal congestion
that i attribute to my reaction to the new meds. i need to take...
& to exacerbate the situation further,
i think i got my son's cold/cough...
i've been getting a few cough attacks that don't feel good at all.
no phlegm, but i have congestion both in my sinus & my lungs...
thank God i'm not yet spitting up some blood!
but yeah, tomorrow should be a day of rest for me,
not that i can ever just do NOTHING,
that's only when i'm really sick & dying & need to stay & sleep in bed all day...
that's when i catch a flu...
we've been lucky this winter with just short bouts of a cold, coughing spell...
no major flu bug has hit our home
& for that i'm so thankful to God.
but again, for tomorrow...
what should i do for my mental health day???
hmmm, i could re-arrange my clothes closet & organiZe it again....
even tho. i can't change it yet for Spring/Summer season...
i could at least take some clothes out that i hardly use,
& either donate them once again or just
store them upstairs in the attic...
the famous scary attic...
famous for it's unhealthy air thick with dust & useless junk lying around
collecting more dusts & mites...& dark & dank....
i should not venture up there in that attic
if i want my cough/cold to go away...
but i might just need to store some stuff away...
do a little clearing.
I think that's what i'll do on my mental health day off,
do some Feng Shui clearing of my living space...
where i sleep & relax,
where i cleanse myself & do my daily bodily functions,
like where i change my clothes for work & home,
& where we all eat & mingle-
enjoy each other's relaxing company, L-O-L
Hmmm, sounds like a project already.
well, better than being bored out of my head here in my cube...
with little things to do on the computer,
too much spare time to practice my Mavis Typing tutorial,
& other tutorials that i can come up with...
while there's too much to do at home...
there's got to be a balance somewhere...
so let me start at my homefront.
till next time,
happily blogging away,
- J
thinking that i need to take a mental health day off tomorrow...
also i haven't been feeling too great,
as in down in the dumps kind of like the weather...
cause it's been cold still...around the 30's in my morning commute
& then turns to around 40's only during lunchbreak, then back to
the cold 30's on my way home...
plus, i have this nasal congestion
that i attribute to my reaction to the new meds. i need to take...
& to exacerbate the situation further,
i think i got my son's cold/cough...
i've been getting a few cough attacks that don't feel good at all.
no phlegm, but i have congestion both in my sinus & my lungs...
thank God i'm not yet spitting up some blood!
but yeah, tomorrow should be a day of rest for me,
not that i can ever just do NOTHING,
that's only when i'm really sick & dying & need to stay & sleep in bed all day...
that's when i catch a flu...
we've been lucky this winter with just short bouts of a cold, coughing spell...
no major flu bug has hit our home
& for that i'm so thankful to God.
but again, for tomorrow...
what should i do for my mental health day???
hmmm, i could re-arrange my clothes closet & organiZe it again....
even tho. i can't change it yet for Spring/Summer season...
i could at least take some clothes out that i hardly use,
& either donate them once again or just
store them upstairs in the attic...
the famous scary attic...
famous for it's unhealthy air thick with dust & useless junk lying around
collecting more dusts & mites...& dark & dank....
i should not venture up there in that attic
if i want my cough/cold to go away...
but i might just need to store some stuff away...
do a little clearing.
I think that's what i'll do on my mental health day off,
do some Feng Shui clearing of my living space...
where i sleep & relax,
where i cleanse myself & do my daily bodily functions,
like where i change my clothes for work & home,
& where we all eat & mingle-
enjoy each other's relaxing company, L-O-L
Hmmm, sounds like a project already.
well, better than being bored out of my head here in my cube...
with little things to do on the computer,
too much spare time to practice my Mavis Typing tutorial,
& other tutorials that i can come up with...
while there's too much to do at home...
there's got to be a balance somewhere...
so let me start at my homefront.
till next time,
happily blogging away,
- J
Thursday, March 10, 2005
back on track....
Hello, so after that 3rd episode,
a 3 day stay in the Psych ER at Bayley Seton,
and of course meds, meds, & more meds...
i forgot what it was i was given that night, Sunday night,
that helped me finally rest my reactive mind,
& go to sleep...
my hubby says they had to give me Haldol,
(yup, the one that knocks u off your feet...)
so you can rest...good.
then they started me on
Klonopin, or clonazopine,
and Zyprexa or Olanzapine - (whatever, i forget the generic name,
all i know is at least it's not that most dreadful, dulling Risperdulllll!)
and i was just out from work for a total of 5 days - one week's worth of work,
since this last episode started happening the week before,
esp. from Friday night Feb 11 - till it culminated to
my voluntary checking-in to Bayley Seton hospital for treatment
on Sunday evening (feb. 13)
i feel sorry for my husband that i had to be in that locked hospital
on Valentine's day...
he was asking me if i remember that he brought me a dozen fresh roses in peach color,
but i had to admit to him the truth
that i was having some serious short-term memory loss...lately,
this is probably a by-product of my brain chemistry going out of whack,
my neurotransmitter getting all crossed & haywired,
but so what...it was just another day...
my timing in Life is really funny,
it is sometimes so off that it becomes like a joke...
except I am the joke or the Joker...
(to the tune of "I Started a Joke")
... i started a joke,
....that started the whole world crying....
....i didn't know the joke was on me...
.....& I started to cry,
... that started the whole world laughing.....
anyway, so what's next...Ms. dyslexic
(can't even type straight now)
welll...give me a little more time
& i'll surely think of something...
somethign to share
something to write about,
something to laugh & cry about...
something to blog about....
for now, i'm working on my draft...
hopefully someday, it will take the shape of
a readable book, some kind of fictional semi-autobiography
or is that, an autobiographical fiction???
since i'm writing about true events in my life anyway...
but it's subject to interpretation...
mine & ur interpretation...
whatever...
so, where am i again?!
i'm home now,
begging for some time for Me,
some peace & quiet with my 2 kids constantly demanding...
my attention, my time, my love...
it's ok, i take my breaks when i can...
like now.
i was just wondering what's next for me...
it seems being bi-polar can be a forever kinda condition...
like where can i run to...
when i can't really run away from mySelf...
so, i've learned not to be afraid
to face your worst demons,
your worst nightmare...
cause i've been there,
done that...
came back to life...
came back to me...
in fact, i wanted to go back to work after that 3 day hiatus...
i told my doctor that i am ready to go back to work...
it won't kill me...
since i'm already on the stabilizer meds.,
so back to work i was...
my hubby & i even had fun on our Broadway night of
"The Phantom of the Opera"
i was normal all throughout the night...
& just this past weekend...
we carried on with our first ever family ski-trip
to the Poconos,
with some family friends who also has 2 kids,
one of my best friends Rhaiza & his old best friend Ken...
they were a stabilizing factor to us too...
so that conversations were lighter, bearable & even fun
between me & my hubby...
the kids had a blast,
the Daddys went sledding with the little kids who aren't allowed to ski yet,
I, like a kid, had a blast too,
learning to ski in Mt. Shawnee for the very first time...
even did the lift with my girlfriend as my buddy...
only she was on her second time skiing,
& i was on my first...
she got to ski downhill without much trouble...
while i was up there on top of the downhill slopes,
fallen with my skis on one side & my poles on the other...
i must've looked really pathetic...
it must've been like 10 full minutes that i laid down on that snow...
& debated whether to even bother skiing downhill
or just get the damned skies off & walk it down with my ski boots,
both prospects were not very appealing...
but i was able to summon up enough courage
to finally make it downhill
with only 3 falls....
whew! what a relief & what a rush
to finally find my balance on those slippery slopes....
do i love the sport???
well, i can say i loved the feel of the mountains
in all that white snowy splendor,
& the cold wind on my face...
but not the pain on my butt & legs when i fell
down a few times,
I just need more lessons to really enjoy the sport...
right now, i can clearly feel the aches & pains...
not bad, but reminding me of my "ripe old-age" of 40....
yup, i must be having an early mid-life crisis...
with all these breakdowns...
BUT, it could be the exact opposite too....
i could be experiencing an early mid-life crisis
because in my next life (after how many more breakdowns...)
will be the breakthrough that i've been waiting for...
what am i waiting for????
- like what everybody else is looking for...
true happiness...
a complete sense of self.
a contentment that can only be explained as wisened through experience...
the experiential life is the only way for me to live...
I learn better that way...
my daughter even said to me one day...
that the way that i'm teaching her about LIFE is
by making her experience it...
not necessarily by the book,
or by talking too much about stuff that will make no sense later on
in her life...
i was so proud of myself & her when she said that...
she's kinda following my footsteps
in the school of Hard Knocks...
in this University of Life...
just as long as i know she's fine,
& my little boy Diego is fine too,
I usually am fine myself...
just a little incomplete...
maybe...
searching for my better (not bitter) half...
the Yang to my Yin...or the Yin to my Yang...
i know that someday
I will find IT.
till then,
what else can i do but make a Home out of every home
i live in.
till then,
travel on through these daily living...we all gotta do...
sometimes i get de-railed by my own over reactionary ways
of dealing with stuff...
sometimes it's just plain hormonal,
chemical imbalance of the brains...u know the deal,
for sure if & when i die,
don't try to use my brains for brain transplant onto anyone else,
unless he/she has the makings of an urban warrior...
someone ready to fight for what he/she believes in...
or he/she will just go mad...a berserk way of living!
not too appealing huh?
use my heart instead...
cause it is always half-full...
sometimes i even feel like it's a cup that runneth over...
in love....
i love to feel love & be loved...
so,
till then my love...
happy trails,
happy downhill-skiing,
keep pulling ur-SELF up whenever U fall,
& especially
enjoy the view...of
LIFE,
:) J
a 3 day stay in the Psych ER at Bayley Seton,
and of course meds, meds, & more meds...
i forgot what it was i was given that night, Sunday night,
that helped me finally rest my reactive mind,
& go to sleep...
my hubby says they had to give me Haldol,
(yup, the one that knocks u off your feet...)
so you can rest...good.
then they started me on
Klonopin, or clonazopine,
and Zyprexa or Olanzapine - (whatever, i forget the generic name,
all i know is at least it's not that most dreadful, dulling Risperdulllll!)
and i was just out from work for a total of 5 days - one week's worth of work,
since this last episode started happening the week before,
esp. from Friday night Feb 11 - till it culminated to
my voluntary checking-in to Bayley Seton hospital for treatment
on Sunday evening (feb. 13)
i feel sorry for my husband that i had to be in that locked hospital
on Valentine's day...
he was asking me if i remember that he brought me a dozen fresh roses in peach color,
but i had to admit to him the truth
that i was having some serious short-term memory loss...lately,
this is probably a by-product of my brain chemistry going out of whack,
my neurotransmitter getting all crossed & haywired,
but so what...it was just another day...
my timing in Life is really funny,
it is sometimes so off that it becomes like a joke...
except I am the joke or the Joker...
(to the tune of "I Started a Joke")
... i started a joke,
....that started the whole world crying....
....i didn't know the joke was on me...
.....& I started to cry,
... that started the whole world laughing.....
anyway, so what's next...Ms. dyslexic
(can't even type straight now)
welll...give me a little more time
& i'll surely think of something...
somethign to share
something to write about,
something to laugh & cry about...
something to blog about....
for now, i'm working on my draft...
hopefully someday, it will take the shape of
a readable book, some kind of fictional semi-autobiography
or is that, an autobiographical fiction???
since i'm writing about true events in my life anyway...
but it's subject to interpretation...
mine & ur interpretation...
whatever...
so, where am i again?!
i'm home now,
begging for some time for Me,
some peace & quiet with my 2 kids constantly demanding...
my attention, my time, my love...
it's ok, i take my breaks when i can...
like now.
i was just wondering what's next for me...
it seems being bi-polar can be a forever kinda condition...
like where can i run to...
when i can't really run away from mySelf...
so, i've learned not to be afraid
to face your worst demons,
your worst nightmare...
cause i've been there,
done that...
came back to life...
came back to me...
in fact, i wanted to go back to work after that 3 day hiatus...
i told my doctor that i am ready to go back to work...
it won't kill me...
since i'm already on the stabilizer meds.,
so back to work i was...
my hubby & i even had fun on our Broadway night of
"The Phantom of the Opera"
i was normal all throughout the night...
& just this past weekend...
we carried on with our first ever family ski-trip
to the Poconos,
with some family friends who also has 2 kids,
one of my best friends Rhaiza & his old best friend Ken...
they were a stabilizing factor to us too...
so that conversations were lighter, bearable & even fun
between me & my hubby...
the kids had a blast,
the Daddys went sledding with the little kids who aren't allowed to ski yet,
I, like a kid, had a blast too,
learning to ski in Mt. Shawnee for the very first time...
even did the lift with my girlfriend as my buddy...
only she was on her second time skiing,
& i was on my first...
she got to ski downhill without much trouble...
while i was up there on top of the downhill slopes,
fallen with my skis on one side & my poles on the other...
i must've looked really pathetic...
it must've been like 10 full minutes that i laid down on that snow...
& debated whether to even bother skiing downhill
or just get the damned skies off & walk it down with my ski boots,
both prospects were not very appealing...
but i was able to summon up enough courage
to finally make it downhill
with only 3 falls....
whew! what a relief & what a rush
to finally find my balance on those slippery slopes....
do i love the sport???
well, i can say i loved the feel of the mountains
in all that white snowy splendor,
& the cold wind on my face...
but not the pain on my butt & legs when i fell
down a few times,
I just need more lessons to really enjoy the sport...
right now, i can clearly feel the aches & pains...
not bad, but reminding me of my "ripe old-age" of 40....
yup, i must be having an early mid-life crisis...
with all these breakdowns...
BUT, it could be the exact opposite too....
i could be experiencing an early mid-life crisis
because in my next life (after how many more breakdowns...)
will be the breakthrough that i've been waiting for...
what am i waiting for????
- like what everybody else is looking for...
true happiness...
a complete sense of self.
a contentment that can only be explained as wisened through experience...
the experiential life is the only way for me to live...
I learn better that way...
my daughter even said to me one day...
that the way that i'm teaching her about LIFE is
by making her experience it...
not necessarily by the book,
or by talking too much about stuff that will make no sense later on
in her life...
i was so proud of myself & her when she said that...
she's kinda following my footsteps
in the school of Hard Knocks...
in this University of Life...
just as long as i know she's fine,
& my little boy Diego is fine too,
I usually am fine myself...
just a little incomplete...
maybe...
searching for my better (not bitter) half...
the Yang to my Yin...or the Yin to my Yang...
i know that someday
I will find IT.
till then,
what else can i do but make a Home out of every home
i live in.
till then,
travel on through these daily living...we all gotta do...
sometimes i get de-railed by my own over reactionary ways
of dealing with stuff...
sometimes it's just plain hormonal,
chemical imbalance of the brains...u know the deal,
for sure if & when i die,
don't try to use my brains for brain transplant onto anyone else,
unless he/she has the makings of an urban warrior...
someone ready to fight for what he/she believes in...
or he/she will just go mad...a berserk way of living!
not too appealing huh?
use my heart instead...
cause it is always half-full...
sometimes i even feel like it's a cup that runneth over...
in love....
i love to feel love & be loved...
so,
till then my love...
happy trails,
happy downhill-skiing,
keep pulling ur-SELF up whenever U fall,
& especially
enjoy the view...of
LIFE,
:) J
Thursday, March 03, 2005
"SO LONELY"
*listening & blogging to the very best of STING & THE POLICE!!!
my all-time favorites...
Oh my God,
i could go on & on
with this blogging
while listening to my best of the best - Sting's songs....
"i hope that someone gets my...
i hope that someone gets my...
message in a bottle,...
YEAH!"
seems i'm not alone being alone....
a hundred million castaways
looking for a Home...."
someday, maybe
someone will get my message in this blogger....(LOL)
but i'm not really sending out an SOS...
just need to release...
the best kind of therapy...
release, & breathe....
Ommmmmmm .....In......
Ommmmmmmm.....Out.....
so what about today huh?
not much really,
just happened to take a 1/2 fair share day off from work
so i could do my dentist appt. thing,
& there was J&R records...
so there, i went shopping....a little...
& tho i must've had The Police's old records,
i still wanted to have this one...
this definitive collection of....
their very best of....
I agree, i love it...
& it's quite uplifting & inspiring....
especially as it reminds me of my wild college days...
where i would dance punk-rock (not Goth - just to set things straight)
to the Police's beats...even by myself on the dancefloor
till i work up a sweat....
I love to dance...
that was one of my ways of losing myself...
in the song, the beat, or just the emotions inside it....
i want to talk lightly tonight...
it's nightime here already....7:19pm on my PC watch...
i wonder how other bloggers are doing?...
sure is a lot of fun here...
so, after a little of this,
a little bit of that too...
i'm going to prepare a light dinner
tonight it might just be hotdogs with onion relish & honey mustard
with some cream of mushroom soup...
not too hungry,
but need to eat too.
i wonder,
am i being extreme right now???
am i being my Bipolar Highness???
that's the new term i coined for mySelf...
whenever IT (whatever IT may be) hits me...
that I am indeed a Goddess...
a Royal Highness of my own dominion & creation,
which is nothing but my little world....
the world that i am creating,
& creating for my kids,
for their world too...
the future is way too far to see...
NOW, HERE is all i got...
& Wow, ain't i the Lucky One
I GOT my little boy Diego by my side here....
quietly listening to Mommmy's keyboard typing away & the music....
listening to Sting's music with me,
how much more special a moment is this?!
as i promised him once i'm finished for now on this PC....
he will help me & be the sous-chef assisting me
with the dinner preparations.
Oooh, how formal!
so much fun....
i assigned my hubby to toast the bread just right,
& i will take care of the rest...
including the ambience....
do u want candle-light with that hotdog dinner please???
oh, would u please?
maybe some more Sting music so i don't get hungry....
& all i'll be doing is listening as i cook,
& as i eat...
hmmm, that would make me somewhat disconnected right?
wrong, we will all have to connect while eating dinner
& listening to music at the same time....
ain't nothin wrong with that Baby!
well,
too bad
i gotta go for now...
later again,
Maybe....
"i'll be watching U....
every step u take,
every move u make,
every game u play,
every bond u break.....
.....i'll be watching U...
every single day..."
LOL
;) J
my all-time favorites...
Oh my God,
i could go on & on
with this blogging
while listening to my best of the best - Sting's songs....
"i hope that someone gets my...
i hope that someone gets my...
message in a bottle,...
YEAH!"
seems i'm not alone being alone....
a hundred million castaways
looking for a Home...."
someday, maybe
someone will get my message in this blogger....(LOL)
but i'm not really sending out an SOS...
just need to release...
the best kind of therapy...
release, & breathe....
Ommmmmmm .....In......
Ommmmmmmm.....Out.....
so what about today huh?
not much really,
just happened to take a 1/2 fair share day off from work
so i could do my dentist appt. thing,
& there was J&R records...
so there, i went shopping....a little...
& tho i must've had The Police's old records,
i still wanted to have this one...
this definitive collection of....
their very best of....
I agree, i love it...
& it's quite uplifting & inspiring....
especially as it reminds me of my wild college days...
where i would dance punk-rock (not Goth - just to set things straight)
to the Police's beats...even by myself on the dancefloor
till i work up a sweat....
I love to dance...
that was one of my ways of losing myself...
in the song, the beat, or just the emotions inside it....
i want to talk lightly tonight...
it's nightime here already....7:19pm on my PC watch...
i wonder how other bloggers are doing?...
sure is a lot of fun here...
so, after a little of this,
a little bit of that too...
i'm going to prepare a light dinner
tonight it might just be hotdogs with onion relish & honey mustard
with some cream of mushroom soup...
not too hungry,
but need to eat too.
i wonder,
am i being extreme right now???
am i being my Bipolar Highness???
that's the new term i coined for mySelf...
whenever IT (whatever IT may be) hits me...
that I am indeed a Goddess...
a Royal Highness of my own dominion & creation,
which is nothing but my little world....
the world that i am creating,
& creating for my kids,
for their world too...
the future is way too far to see...
NOW, HERE is all i got...
& Wow, ain't i the Lucky One
I GOT my little boy Diego by my side here....
quietly listening to Mommmy's keyboard typing away & the music....
listening to Sting's music with me,
how much more special a moment is this?!
as i promised him once i'm finished for now on this PC....
he will help me & be the sous-chef assisting me
with the dinner preparations.
Oooh, how formal!
so much fun....
i assigned my hubby to toast the bread just right,
& i will take care of the rest...
including the ambience....
do u want candle-light with that hotdog dinner please???
oh, would u please?
maybe some more Sting music so i don't get hungry....
& all i'll be doing is listening as i cook,
& as i eat...
hmmm, that would make me somewhat disconnected right?
wrong, we will all have to connect while eating dinner
& listening to music at the same time....
ain't nothin wrong with that Baby!
well,
too bad
i gotta go for now...
later again,
Maybe....
"i'll be watching U....
every step u take,
every move u make,
every game u play,
every bond u break.....
.....i'll be watching U...
every single day..."
LOL
;) J
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
my Mom's birthday
today is Tuesday, March 1st & my Mom's 68th Birthday...
as is my tradition since she started living with me
to help me out with my babies growing up....
I always take a personal day-off from work to just be with her...
& help her with whatever she wants to do & celebrate that day...
today i asked her if she wanted to go see a movie
since there are so many good movies out...
I myself want to go see "Constantine" - sounds like a really good story,
she wanted to see "Phantom of the Opera"
(which i just recently saw with my hubby on a sort of post-Valentine's date
on Broadway- Majestic Theatre - i thought it was great...
great production & all,
but my favorite is still Les Miserables on Broadway - because of the
beautiful songs & story...)
well, since it started snowing here in NY yesterday afternoon,
& it only got thicker overnight,
now she doesn't feel like going to the movies...too cold maybe?
So, i'm just preparing to cook a Flip. dish called
Pancit Bihon (Chinese-influenced food made up of fine rice noodles with either chicken strips, mushrooms, vegies like bamboo shoots, waterchestnuts, green beans, etc.., all mixed in once the rice noodles have been prepared - all i have to do is throw everything together - sauteing it until all the flavors settle & is good to the taste test!) That simple.
I want to do things simpler nowadays....
especially since i notice i got no choice anyway.
Each time i overdo stuff,
like plan too many activities for fun or even not for fun at one time...
or if i get too overly sensitive over what my hubby & i argue about....
it's like I'm the only one heading for a breakdown! (how can everybody stay sane all the time in these very insane times??? i don't get it....)
sometimes i just want to run away & hide!
my best friends, KQ and DJ,
tells me all the time
that i'm too hard on myself...
that i should take it easier...on my own expectations of myself
& expectations of others around me...
so,i am trying my best to keep it simple...
what was it someone told me was a favorite 70's expression
or maybe it's from the 60's...
K.I.S.S. - Keep it Simple, Seeker.
or maybe they really meant...
Keep it Simple & Stupid....
however way they meant it,
it's good enough for me...
back to my Mom's b-day....
it's kinda sad,
that it's been almost what, 18 years now
that she's been celebrating her birthdays with us her kids...
(tho. none of us are kids anymore,
i'm 40 now, my oldest brother must be 43,
& the rest of my brothers are all around 30-ish,
the youngest of all was my brother who was conceived by accident
- what else is new huh? that's Philippine's birth control for you that doesnt; really work - third world blues...)
my youngest brother must be only in his late twenties,
he's 10 yrs. younger than our second to the last brother (my fifth brother who became a doctor, thanks to me & Mom, for our persistence & consistency
in sending him his tuition money for med school back when he was still a student in the Philippines - one of the top Universities for Medicine there - University of Santo Tomas, run by the catholic Dominican order....) they were cool priests & also human....i got nothing against them at all....
but as i was saying...
my Mother must have learned to change a lot of her old habits
those nagging habits of getting used to anticipating her old husband's
(my daddy) being able to celebrate with her on their birthdays....
especially since they were born only 1 day apart...
my Dad's bday is Feb. 28 & my Mom's is March 1st....
sometimes when we get a leap year,
we celebrate their birthday on Feb. 29th....
a grand celebration for both all in one day...
it's fun!
I know that my Mommy misses my Daddy a lot....
same way i missed having a father to run to esp.
around the time when i was in High School & College....
when it would've been nice to have someone -
a father figure to help me figure stuff out,
especially about boys or men....
it's all the same....
i bet my Mommy had to rely only on her Faith
as i did, taking leaps of faith,
sometimes wearing my heart out on my sleeves carelessly,
& more often than usual guarding my heart against
any "predatory" wolves out there...
who in my young heart could be pretty charming, fun &
quite an adventure, like a fun ride....
with my Mommy, it's different;
because she never was interested in getting remarried.
She would not admit that she wanted to remain faithful to my
Daddy who was the unfaithful one in the relationship....
nothing too hard to bear now that i'm 40,
fact is, I even got closer to my sister & little brother same age as my
youngest brother here...from his second wife....
living in Mississauga Toronto, Canada....
Well, my Mommy's excuse is she's married to Jesus
or in other simpler words,
she has devoted her free time to praying,
getting together with her "Handmaids of the Lord"
or religious groups like "Couples for Christ"....
that i think is very good, it's all good...
but not for me anymore....
i did my share of Catholic education,
& lately i realize where my soul is really called to...
it's Tibetan Buddhism...so simple & peaceful than most other
philosophies
believe me, i had my share of being very, very religious...
back in my homecountry the Philippines,
your religion sometimes is the only thing that keeps you from
taking the knife...
like if it was a choice of killing yourself or someone else
because of poverty...because of whatever, usually in a third world
it is a poverty of resources, money, livelihood, even hope....
so it was a choice one consciously makes to Believe in a GOD,
& try their darnedest way to keep their heart in the right place...
beleiving that there is a better future out there somewhere
waiting to be found as long as they continue working
for their family, for shit-pay, or renting in what would be
considered a tenement or squatter's area here in the U.S....
so, i chose to be closer to God
& all the many faces/phases of our Mother Mary....
rather than get caught up in the vicious cycles happening outside
my home & outside the church of committing
petty crimes just because there's poverty in the family...
well, the church we used to go to,
was like a Sanctuary to me....
i joined the sunday choir there that played Filipino religious folk-guitar
& also some folkie english church songs....
& i continued doing this through College,
except i joined a semi-professional concert chorus that performs all over
Manila & even toured in the US & Canada (i think)
but i didn't join that tour, because of economics....
i had no sponsor to sponsor me for that trip....
(sigh) money, money, money...
makes the world go round right?
i say, MONEY - "Damned if U have it, Damned if U don't!"
there's gotta be some kind of balance....in the World.
So, my Mommy seems to be quite content with our little parties,
her weekend get together with other fellow filipinas/& their husbands,
& attend their masses by Filipino or American priests sometimes,
& say their monthly 2,000 Hail Marys',
which is supposed to be a novena to Mother Mary for PEACE
& towards an end to this war....
this is where she is happiest & most active....
aside from the wonder that she does by taking care of my daughter & son....
her "Apos" (grandkids)....she already helped take care of my older brother's
3 kids when they were just little...
& she transferred to be with me...
to help me with my little kids....
& now that we're moving on to Atlanta, GEORGIA....
i wonder where she will want to go....& live with....
Me? while i'm kinda in transition, no job security yet,
& not even a very secure marriage....but, with 2 beautiful kids....
or maybe My Mommy will want to stay here in Jersey City,
with all her prayer group friends,
& help my youngest brother in taking care of their new coming
little baby girl...
(seems to be the role she took on, the story of her life
ever since my Daddy left us...)
whatever, she decides,
i will honor it....
she & I have gone this far to know that
we will always be there for each other,
no question about it....
nothing need to be said....
just ask, & it will be given.
So, for now,
so lucky that my son Diego who did not have school today
because of the snow here (about 4-6 inches only!)
so lucky that he fell asleep while listening to my music on the PC,
(Everything but the Girl, & Josh Groban's first CD)....
& my Mommy on the phone with her friends,
i'm so lucky to have this luxury of time to Blog...
& soon enough, gotta stop....
& start with my chores of cooking that Pancit Bihon
but first...
take care of my SELF...
I'm gonna go for a long nice, hot shower
with aromatherapy of lavender body wash,
& listening to my music....
sing in the showers as tho i'm "singing in the rain"
anyway,
see, I am happy today...
how can i not be???
No work, beautiful white blanket of snow outside...
yet not too much that it's a struggle to shovel...
just mild & so peaceful when everything looks white
on top of tree branches & on those two benches under a dogwood tree,
i always see from our kitchen & bedroom window
(I see it now as i'm blogging)....
well, till then,
gotta get back to....
doing more stuff....
oh did i tell u, i have finally caught up with my
family photo albums?!
now THAT is an achievement not to be dismissed....
cause i love doing my family scrapbooks....
& next in line,
are my kids artworks...
which are here & there...somewhere....
i have to put them in one central place
like their very own scrapbooks....
both my hubby & i have different albums,
like his is on his MAC computer,
hard drive, & also on CD's....
mine is in CD's but i also like to
keep the print photos for like a souvenir...
to be placed on my future coffee tables...
a good conversation piece...
or just a good way to see how
our lives roller-coastered through times...
fast froward & backwards....
i noticed how i have a couple of years where i didn't have a lot of photos....
& i know why,
those were the years i had my attacks/ my episodes OK!
of whatever, manic-depression, bipolar-disorder....
so even the pictures are in disarray or
well at the very least, not in chronological order....
so what...
it's what can be salvaged that's KEY,
a picture can say more than a thousand words right??
well, (sigh) gotta sign off for now...
later again, promise....
LUV & BIG HUGS!!!!
& to my MOMMY - all the best, & the happiest birthday ever...
more to come....straight from my Heart to hers,
& Yours,...
:) J
yogi Berra - "it ain't over till it's over..."
as is my tradition since she started living with me
to help me out with my babies growing up....
I always take a personal day-off from work to just be with her...
& help her with whatever she wants to do & celebrate that day...
today i asked her if she wanted to go see a movie
since there are so many good movies out...
I myself want to go see "Constantine" - sounds like a really good story,
she wanted to see "Phantom of the Opera"
(which i just recently saw with my hubby on a sort of post-Valentine's date
on Broadway- Majestic Theatre - i thought it was great...
great production & all,
but my favorite is still Les Miserables on Broadway - because of the
beautiful songs & story...)
well, since it started snowing here in NY yesterday afternoon,
& it only got thicker overnight,
now she doesn't feel like going to the movies...too cold maybe?
So, i'm just preparing to cook a Flip. dish called
Pancit Bihon (Chinese-influenced food made up of fine rice noodles with either chicken strips, mushrooms, vegies like bamboo shoots, waterchestnuts, green beans, etc.., all mixed in once the rice noodles have been prepared - all i have to do is throw everything together - sauteing it until all the flavors settle & is good to the taste test!) That simple.
I want to do things simpler nowadays....
especially since i notice i got no choice anyway.
Each time i overdo stuff,
like plan too many activities for fun or even not for fun at one time...
or if i get too overly sensitive over what my hubby & i argue about....
it's like I'm the only one heading for a breakdown! (how can everybody stay sane all the time in these very insane times??? i don't get it....)
sometimes i just want to run away & hide!
my best friends, KQ and DJ,
tells me all the time
that i'm too hard on myself...
that i should take it easier...on my own expectations of myself
& expectations of others around me...
so,i am trying my best to keep it simple...
what was it someone told me was a favorite 70's expression
or maybe it's from the 60's...
K.I.S.S. - Keep it Simple, Seeker.
or maybe they really meant...
Keep it Simple & Stupid....
however way they meant it,
it's good enough for me...
back to my Mom's b-day....
it's kinda sad,
that it's been almost what, 18 years now
that she's been celebrating her birthdays with us her kids...
(tho. none of us are kids anymore,
i'm 40 now, my oldest brother must be 43,
& the rest of my brothers are all around 30-ish,
the youngest of all was my brother who was conceived by accident
- what else is new huh? that's Philippine's birth control for you that doesnt; really work - third world blues...)
my youngest brother must be only in his late twenties,
he's 10 yrs. younger than our second to the last brother (my fifth brother who became a doctor, thanks to me & Mom, for our persistence & consistency
in sending him his tuition money for med school back when he was still a student in the Philippines - one of the top Universities for Medicine there - University of Santo Tomas, run by the catholic Dominican order....) they were cool priests & also human....i got nothing against them at all....
but as i was saying...
my Mother must have learned to change a lot of her old habits
those nagging habits of getting used to anticipating her old husband's
(my daddy) being able to celebrate with her on their birthdays....
especially since they were born only 1 day apart...
my Dad's bday is Feb. 28 & my Mom's is March 1st....
sometimes when we get a leap year,
we celebrate their birthday on Feb. 29th....
a grand celebration for both all in one day...
it's fun!
I know that my Mommy misses my Daddy a lot....
same way i missed having a father to run to esp.
around the time when i was in High School & College....
when it would've been nice to have someone -
a father figure to help me figure stuff out,
especially about boys or men....
it's all the same....
i bet my Mommy had to rely only on her Faith
as i did, taking leaps of faith,
sometimes wearing my heart out on my sleeves carelessly,
& more often than usual guarding my heart against
any "predatory" wolves out there...
who in my young heart could be pretty charming, fun &
quite an adventure, like a fun ride....
with my Mommy, it's different;
because she never was interested in getting remarried.
She would not admit that she wanted to remain faithful to my
Daddy who was the unfaithful one in the relationship....
nothing too hard to bear now that i'm 40,
fact is, I even got closer to my sister & little brother same age as my
youngest brother here...from his second wife....
living in Mississauga Toronto, Canada....
Well, my Mommy's excuse is she's married to Jesus
or in other simpler words,
she has devoted her free time to praying,
getting together with her "Handmaids of the Lord"
or religious groups like "Couples for Christ"....
that i think is very good, it's all good...
but not for me anymore....
i did my share of Catholic education,
& lately i realize where my soul is really called to...
it's Tibetan Buddhism...so simple & peaceful than most other
philosophies
believe me, i had my share of being very, very religious...
back in my homecountry the Philippines,
your religion sometimes is the only thing that keeps you from
taking the knife...
like if it was a choice of killing yourself or someone else
because of poverty...because of whatever, usually in a third world
it is a poverty of resources, money, livelihood, even hope....
so it was a choice one consciously makes to Believe in a GOD,
& try their darnedest way to keep their heart in the right place...
beleiving that there is a better future out there somewhere
waiting to be found as long as they continue working
for their family, for shit-pay, or renting in what would be
considered a tenement or squatter's area here in the U.S....
so, i chose to be closer to God
& all the many faces/phases of our Mother Mary....
rather than get caught up in the vicious cycles happening outside
my home & outside the church of committing
petty crimes just because there's poverty in the family...
well, the church we used to go to,
was like a Sanctuary to me....
i joined the sunday choir there that played Filipino religious folk-guitar
& also some folkie english church songs....
& i continued doing this through College,
except i joined a semi-professional concert chorus that performs all over
Manila & even toured in the US & Canada (i think)
but i didn't join that tour, because of economics....
i had no sponsor to sponsor me for that trip....
(sigh) money, money, money...
makes the world go round right?
i say, MONEY - "Damned if U have it, Damned if U don't!"
there's gotta be some kind of balance....in the World.
So, my Mommy seems to be quite content with our little parties,
her weekend get together with other fellow filipinas/& their husbands,
& attend their masses by Filipino or American priests sometimes,
& say their monthly 2,000 Hail Marys',
which is supposed to be a novena to Mother Mary for PEACE
& towards an end to this war....
this is where she is happiest & most active....
aside from the wonder that she does by taking care of my daughter & son....
her "Apos" (grandkids)....she already helped take care of my older brother's
3 kids when they were just little...
& she transferred to be with me...
to help me with my little kids....
& now that we're moving on to Atlanta, GEORGIA....
i wonder where she will want to go....& live with....
Me? while i'm kinda in transition, no job security yet,
& not even a very secure marriage....but, with 2 beautiful kids....
or maybe My Mommy will want to stay here in Jersey City,
with all her prayer group friends,
& help my youngest brother in taking care of their new coming
little baby girl...
(seems to be the role she took on, the story of her life
ever since my Daddy left us...)
whatever, she decides,
i will honor it....
she & I have gone this far to know that
we will always be there for each other,
no question about it....
nothing need to be said....
just ask, & it will be given.
So, for now,
so lucky that my son Diego who did not have school today
because of the snow here (about 4-6 inches only!)
so lucky that he fell asleep while listening to my music on the PC,
(Everything but the Girl, & Josh Groban's first CD)....
& my Mommy on the phone with her friends,
i'm so lucky to have this luxury of time to Blog...
& soon enough, gotta stop....
& start with my chores of cooking that Pancit Bihon
but first...
take care of my SELF...
I'm gonna go for a long nice, hot shower
with aromatherapy of lavender body wash,
& listening to my music....
sing in the showers as tho i'm "singing in the rain"
anyway,
see, I am happy today...
how can i not be???
No work, beautiful white blanket of snow outside...
yet not too much that it's a struggle to shovel...
just mild & so peaceful when everything looks white
on top of tree branches & on those two benches under a dogwood tree,
i always see from our kitchen & bedroom window
(I see it now as i'm blogging)....
well, till then,
gotta get back to....
doing more stuff....
oh did i tell u, i have finally caught up with my
family photo albums?!
now THAT is an achievement not to be dismissed....
cause i love doing my family scrapbooks....
& next in line,
are my kids artworks...
which are here & there...somewhere....
i have to put them in one central place
like their very own scrapbooks....
both my hubby & i have different albums,
like his is on his MAC computer,
hard drive, & also on CD's....
mine is in CD's but i also like to
keep the print photos for like a souvenir...
to be placed on my future coffee tables...
a good conversation piece...
or just a good way to see how
our lives roller-coastered through times...
fast froward & backwards....
i noticed how i have a couple of years where i didn't have a lot of photos....
& i know why,
those were the years i had my attacks/ my episodes OK!
of whatever, manic-depression, bipolar-disorder....
so even the pictures are in disarray or
well at the very least, not in chronological order....
so what...
it's what can be salvaged that's KEY,
a picture can say more than a thousand words right??
well, (sigh) gotta sign off for now...
later again, promise....
LUV & BIG HUGS!!!!
& to my MOMMY - all the best, & the happiest birthday ever...
more to come....straight from my Heart to hers,
& Yours,...
:) J
yogi Berra - "it ain't over till it's over..."
Monday, February 21, 2005
weekend warrior
strange, i have to re-type some of what i remember from my blog of yesterday - Feb.20
& i'm having this short-term memory loss that i probably will not be able to remember all of what i was trying to say...here....
anyway,
let's just do poetry....
something happened again
within the chemistry of my brains...
all i wanted was to get off my meds...
be myself again...
with my cup half-full or half-empty,
regardless,
i just wanted to express myself the way i want to....
but then these voices in the back of my mind
would come around & pay me a visit
without warning,
they love surprising me....
& what i got from them &
how i was behaving last week,
especially the 3 days leading up to my hospitalization...
i dont' really wanna call it that,
i'd rather call it my vacation, a hiatus away from Home,
to do some repairs within my neurotransmitters....
(it's like science-fiction - story of my Life)
SO,
these voices, some are angels
& some might be akin to the darker side,
i don't care....
i try to listen & decide for myself
what's right & what's real
& what are illusions....
hard to tell sometimes
when you're under the influence
of these crazy chemical imbalance....
but i wouldn't trade my brains for the world...., not even for a million $$$$;
i think I'm unique,
i believe i'm gifted,
i just can't see yet what i have to offer
the world or even in my little community
with this gift of "empathy/intuition"
i call it that, because i don't think i'm too much of a psychic....
& i would hate to be a psychic where when people find out...
they won't stop bugging u for some clues or numbers to predict
a winning for a lottery or a jackpot or some tips for bounty hunters....
No, i just want to listen to the voices as quietly & sacredly as i can....
i know that this is a gift from the Supreme Being,
not to be used heavily, meaning i should use it "lightly" - Light as in for enlightenment & no other reasons for being, neither for any other purposes but for knbowledge
& understanding alone....
Since wednesday night thru Saturday & even Sunday
when i managed to attend my future sister-in-law & my brothers' baby shower
(their baby girl is due in APril? how exciting it is to welcome a newborn
babe into our so crazy, mixed up world)
still is a wonderful world.....
(*note: song playing is L. Armstrong's "what a wonderful world....")
so back again to those friendly, mysterious liefguards of mine,
what do they say to me?
u might wonder....
they say good things & bad things can happen....
sometimes at the same time,
when something or someone is lost,
something or someone will be regained....
in one of my songs -
i wrote,
"everybody keeps so much pain inside
why don't they just realize
there's no need for Fear,
no need for wasted tears.....
we all have to move on,
follow our own dreams,
we all have to move on,
Follow our own
Dreams......"
So back to my angels' voices
they keep telling me to be on guard,
watch over my kids like a military Mom,
& if i could, i probably be watching other people's kids too,
to make sure they're safe from harm,
happy & able to express themselves fully....
with cups overflowing with goodness,
brimming over with happiness.....
but reality takes hold & i realize I'm only One person here....
trying to take on the weight of the world....
why do i always do that?
my best friend KQ thinks i'm too much,
i get too intense with what i want to do or even say...
but, i can't really help it,
i tell her...that's just the way it is...
that's how I was made, that's how God created me...
a flawed, empathic, silly, strong but sometimes weak human being...
not perfect, & not even near the Perfection that i want to achieve in my Life....
so let me tell you what happened, my story:
during the 3 days/nights - Wednesday to Friday eve,
i even lost Saturday in my memory
i cannot remember at all what i did & said that day....
& i have to ask my Mom & my daughter & my hubby...
what was i doing then?
i only remember that i was very quiet, no words,
just watching my kids especially how they interact with each other
& really made me happy to know that they already have great minds of their own....
my son D, is usually funny & loves to act out,
& my 13 yr old daughter - M,
is always the wise one,
in control of her surroundings including her baby brother...
so as i was watching them i felt a great relief that
Yes, i've been raising them well,
as best as i could - but maybe i need to do even better...
without becoming a strict nagging mom....
so i had fun with them.....
i ask D some questions, what u would call profound questions
reserved for grown ups,
& he & his sister would come up with surprisingly wise answers....
they're like Pooh & Eye-ore!
I love them sooooo,
& their well being & love have been my anchor, my lighthouse,
what have kept me going through all these episodes...
So because i know somethings were getting out of sync
in my brain chemistry...again?!
i really had no choice but to ask my hubby to take me to the
Psych. E.R....
(well he tells me later that my big brother the Dr. talked to him & my Mom & devided for me also that it's best that my hubby take me to the hospital A.S.A.P....with hopes that there i will be able to rest my weary mind....
i couldn't stand the noise of the voices anymore....
it's not driving me crazy or paranoid like the last 2 episodes....
only this time, i feel a need to decipher what those voices are really saying to me....
that my dear friend, is still a question better left unanswered for now...
only Time will tell, Time is all i have....
Time is my ally & yours too...
it is the worst & the best Taskmaster...(I've said this too many times before...)
if i don't have patience with my self
Time will teach me how to be patient....
& if i'm in too much of a rush...
Time will prove to me that there is no need to rush
i might even avoid an accident here or there....
when i'm rushing....
*another story,
like what happened on the fateful day of the Twin Towers crumbling down...
because of some extremist's fanaticism....
if not for my little boy's asking me to play with him a little longer
on that morning, & asking me to put on his shoes for him....
i might have been one of them who were on the bus
going to downtown Manhattan & arriving there at exactly that time 9:13 am or so
& bear witness to all the CHAOS of that day, ( & weeks after)that fateful regular working-day morning for most of us, that turned into a dark & mournful bloodbath....
that's going down in History...
who knows, since i used to take the express bus from S.I. that time,
i could've been one of those who witnessed people actually holding hands to jump together
like paratroopers with no parachutes....only dressed in their office clothes (i wonder if some of them jumped carrying their bags with them along??? just a curious thing for me, maybe some did, thinking they can save somethings in their bag....) I see them now as freebirds like the seagulls & pigeons that abound along that beautiful Hudson River....
If i was just a little earlier, i could've been hit by some World Trade Center debris of glass & metal & rocks....
So thanks to Time & my son's intuition i was saved from that....
and because there is synchronicity in our Lives...
that didn't happen to me...
it wasn't my time yet...
I took the later bus because my son asked to play with me a little bit longer
....that's fate is it not?
U really gotta listen to your children more than u already do...they're instinctive little folks....
that dream & play a lot, but with hearts & mind so open that they are truly sensitive to things we've forgotten or taken for granted....
& then all I saw & experienced was the huge debris that looks like a cloud of black, gray,& a dirty mustard colored skyline, full of soot & whatever other chemicals produced by those tons of debris...
& different colors in the sky that morning of mourning with lots & lots of office destruction, from furnitures, computer, office machines to billions of papers flying all over downtown Manhattan.......papers that have become meaningless all in a matter of minutes....seconds....
my fear as i was running away from those massive clouds of debris was that it looked like a chemical explosion, or something straight out of a war movie
that i thought belongs more to the wars in the Persian gulf...not here in mighty New York City...
it's the stuff that sci-fi-war movies are made of.....
when my bus was about to get into the Brooklyn Battery tunnel,
we were all stalled by traffic...
& it seemed like an eternity,
cause we already saw one of the towers' with some thing that looks like an explosion
on one or two of the floors up high,
we saw that the first tower had some small explosion happening it seemed...
it didn't look that huge until we heard what's going on inside the tunnel...
from those with their car radios working....or cell phones working...to contact the outside world (meaning those who weren't close to the scene of the crime...those in Midtown,
Uptown or other suburbs ... were all experiencing their anguish in the news....)
THAT WAS NEWS, THAT changed History....that was a humbling wake-up call for most of us....to Live Life as tho it was your last....
but for those who died unprepared...what have they got??? what did they leave behind???...why did people have to be martyred for who's causes????
(*that my friend, has been my question since then till now....)
was it worth it, to die for a country that joins in War games that really should not be our
business...mind your own business & work peacefully together on a global level, no more of these regionalistic, religious extremisms... maybe we can find the keys towards world peace....maybe someday,
but i certainly hope that that someday is coming soon.
take a look at your immediate surroundings Mr. Prezident...
especially the poorer sections of America, the marginalized folks living off the grid...who are now growing in statistical numbers....
where is the Love?
where is the Love???
where are the bilion dollars being sent?
To produce more war-related agendas,
more powerful guns, bazookas, machine guns, grenades, ak47s, more gas-guzzling & space invading Humvees!...etc. etc. too much on the military agenda that i get lost in what we can only see & hear about in our controlled media...
taxpayers's money going for the top of the line fighter jetplanes, top of the line equipments of mass destruction...
well so much for that point,
let me continue with my story of that day,
.....but the bus driver did not stop yet,
we were still slowly inching our way into that over-ly crowded tunnel,
people feeling anxioud, because why????
because we're all connected by a common thread of
wanting to survive & helping people too....
even tho. we really did not know,
we knew something more than major was happening outside that Brooklyn Battery Tunnel,
we just wanted to step outside under the bright broad daylight to see...
what was happening on our very soil of NewYork downtown Manhattan,
transported me to someplace like Baghdad burning....
BUT, despite the fears & common apprehension
some of us...decided to get off the bus,
we wanted to find out for ourselves,
someone had a cell phone that was working & he shared the news with us
as we were walking to the other side...
that the Twin Towers were hit, both of them,
by 2 commercial planes crashing right into the tower buildings....
causing it to burn & collapse with all the melting steel & crumbled slowly then all of a sudden
crumbled into a million ton of debris & broken steel...., broken buildings, broken hearts of people who used to make that their second home - their workplace....
& not to mention, broken spirits,
but for me, those people who decided to hold hands
say a prayer for each one of them....
then jumped off their burning building...
they did it the best way they think they would want to go....
& that's how it went....
a good Samaritan stockbroker guy, (typical italian dude whose name i forgot...)
was kind enough to offer me & this other lady a ride to Bay Ridge where he lives with his family & 3 boys
so we can try & make a call to our homes from there...
of course i forgot my cell phone....so
i had to use their phone too....
the italian dude. i forgot his name now (how could i ?!)
& his nice typlical Italian wife invited me to have pizza lunch with them....
as we were watching whatever other chaos was going on out there...
bridges were closed, subway lines that go downtown were not working,
only a few buses were running & it was on local stops....
& that's what i had to take to go back home to my familly
who were worried sick about me....
funny how 2 of my best girlfriends found me at that Italian home's phone no.
they called my Mom, whom i called first before calling my husband...
& she gave them the tel. no. where i was resting temporarily,
my temporary shelter in the comforts of this nice & funny family,
they had two boys, whose names i forgot too...
(i wish i had kept their names cause i wasn't even able to keep in touch with them after that)
but they have my prayer of gratitude forever....
So there, i was talking about the Perfect time...
that sometimes things happen in synchronicity....
U just have to listen to your inner voice/voices,
& live a Life that is peaceful & honoring your word,
respecting your loved ones & everyone around you....
cause if & when the ultimate destruction ball comes down....
we will all be playing the survival game....
& maybe too late....
there will be no place else to run....
we are allon the same ship,
& if our leaders are not in the careful & wise frame of mind...
this ship could sink like the Titanic...wouldn't it?
It's better to be safe than sorry,
or better yet,
it's better to be wise,
than sorry, much sorrier later
cause when u really think about it,
it's about our friends, lovers & hubbies & wives & mothers, & fathers
& especially our kids....
there's this native American saying that goes"
It was not given to you by your parents,
it was loaned to you
by your children.
We do not inherit the Earth from our ancestors,
we borrow it from our children."
they always, always call people to fight for PEACE...
Love, Understanding, LovingKindness, compassion towards your neighbors
(even if you hate them)....but love them still,
cause they can be your best teachers....in Life,
in Buddhism they say that you should be thankful that God gave u enemies
because they are the best teachers for you to learn Love, Forgiveness &
later on Transformation of your relationship to them....
by that stage - U would have been transformed by Love too....
so as Jesus Christ :
create a good side of them to make them lovable..."Love your enemies,
as you love your SELF"
that;s all?? sounds easy right, but difficult to achieve....at the first sign of annoyance for someone pestering you....LOL -
i don't even know why, that memory of 9-11-01 stays in my brains
& in order to exorcise it so as not to cause more grief,
but transform my/our energies to positive
instead of Hate & revenge; regret & guilt & murderous thoughts to get back at someone, something, some whoever?!!!
revenge & all those other negativities....
we need to wash that out of our system....
what's done is done now,
we need to undo the damage that was our legacy from that legendary crash of the Twin Towers, by transforming our angry & sometimes evil thoughts
especially of revenge....
for what is that other saying from the Holy Mahatma Gandhi.....
"....an eye for an eye will make the whole world go Blind."
i need to write more about it....
but this blog is getting too long...
BUT, back down to reality here & what happened to me in those 3 days & nights of no sleep...
& of anxiety being driven by my thoughts that were racing at some higher frequency level,
even sometimes i cannot grasp the ideas being presented to me....
those damned auditory hallucinations, & those damned spirits roaming around our human plane to whisper some messages of whatever.... damned them (* just kidding)
i welcome them, as long as i don;t have to end up in a straightjacket or stretcher.....
This time around, i was just a little off-synch,
like a "desafinado" - a song that's slightly out of tune...
because why, i was tuning into some other higher/lower? frequencies....
I'll be the first one to admit,
that I am no psychic,
just maybe more of an empath....
(those creatures that can feel what other people feel, or sense with their 5-6 senses
what really is going on in the kitchen or the backdrop that we people continually put up
to protect our egos....)
I don't want EGO trips,
i am trying to learn this Ego game & slowly get rid of it....
slowly of course, it's hard to unlearn what you've been ingrained, brainwashed with some kind of selective education, picked out by the Board (bored) of regents in your schools....
brainwashed by all the negative lies we've convinced ourselves that we're not good enough
to even try....
that my friend, is what i mean.....
i 'm trying to slowly peel off layers upon layers of my own skin like an onion, to reach to the bottom of my soul....& learn to make soul decisions mindfully & with lovingkindness...
even if it makes me cry most of the time....
to just get to know the real Me...
what future i want to create....
what future am i creating for my kids & grandkids to be.....
i remember pacing back & forth on the evenings when i couldn't sleep, pacing from our bedroom to the kitchen, then the living room & finally checking in the master's bedroom where D & his Daddy were fast alseep & peaceul.....
& checking the view outside our bedrooms from behind window blinds....
checking for anything out of the ordinary....
also, i was checking the heater & the gas stove for any subtle smell of gas....
it was like being on a mission against anything TOXIC....
weird as it may seem to U....
it makes a lot of sense to me....
when i could'nt force myself to sleep,
it started happening again last Wednesday night....
tried to sleep really early (like 10:30pm - that's normal early time for me.)
but when i laid down on my bed,
i kept on looking at my alarm clock sitting right next to my bed....
& counting the hours of how long i could last without sleep...
finally it wsa 3:30am....i prayed to God & finally my brains got tired....
& blissful sleep came upon me....
i know i had nice dreams but i don't remember them now....
hopfully i'll remember them tomorrow....
or some other more relaxing nights & remember all the goodness,
that heals me & most everybody once they've tasted that love,
that unconditional love that seem to belong mostly amongst angels & Gods....
----- till then,
keeping my head clear & open for the U in YOU,
& keeping my heart pure & open for the I in I....
till next time....
"each morning i wake up....
i say a little prayer for U...."
later maybe,
- J
Thursday, February 10, 2005
cloudy morning, but feeling better...
couldn't sleep at all last night tho,
i tossed & turned
even after meditation,
maybe i'm just a little wired...
so when i looked at my alarm clock & it said 3:30am
that's it, i had to get up & take some Tylenol PM,
it must've helped t0 calm me down a little
did some deep breathing,
then i drifted off to sleep.
Thank God.
today, it was cloudy in my commute
but it was ok,
a friend of mine,
i'd like to nickname Pop-eye (cause he reminds me so much of him...the cartoon character)
an older, well-travelled version of Pop-eye tho, very wise in his dry wit,
he's like another one of those kind strangers i meet along the way,
who just happens to be there...
to talk, even small talk,
when u need to...
we talk about what's on the news & stuff...
& whatever else,
it's good to be around people sometimes,
especially when u feel like ur up in the air again,
& need to be grounded...
so...
there,
this morning wasn't so bad at all...
they were playing "My Sweet Lord"
on the radio as i was getting dressed with my daughter...
for school & me for work...
that's our comforting routine...
so, on that note...
i'll end this blog for now...
"my sweet Lord,
i really wanna see U,
really wanna know U,
really wanna show U Lord...
that it won't take long my Lord...
my sweet Lord,
Hare Krishna,
Krishna, Krishna,
Hare Rama,
Rama, rama....
guru Rama....
George Harrison, he was ahead of his time...
all the Beatles are i think...
just a messenger of the times....
till next time,
a little tired still...
& gotta get home now...it's 5:20pm
take care ALL,
peace.
I hope it's peaceful wherever U'ALL are.
- J
i tossed & turned
even after meditation,
maybe i'm just a little wired...
so when i looked at my alarm clock & it said 3:30am
that's it, i had to get up & take some Tylenol PM,
it must've helped t0 calm me down a little
did some deep breathing,
then i drifted off to sleep.
Thank God.
today, it was cloudy in my commute
but it was ok,
a friend of mine,
i'd like to nickname Pop-eye (cause he reminds me so much of him...the cartoon character)
an older, well-travelled version of Pop-eye tho, very wise in his dry wit,
he's like another one of those kind strangers i meet along the way,
who just happens to be there...
to talk, even small talk,
when u need to...
we talk about what's on the news & stuff...
& whatever else,
it's good to be around people sometimes,
especially when u feel like ur up in the air again,
& need to be grounded...
so...
there,
this morning wasn't so bad at all...
they were playing "My Sweet Lord"
on the radio as i was getting dressed with my daughter...
for school & me for work...
that's our comforting routine...
so, on that note...
i'll end this blog for now...
"my sweet Lord,
i really wanna see U,
really wanna know U,
really wanna show U Lord...
that it won't take long my Lord...
my sweet Lord,
Hare Krishna,
Krishna, Krishna,
Hare Rama,
Rama, rama....
guru Rama....
George Harrison, he was ahead of his time...
all the Beatles are i think...
just a messenger of the times....
till next time,
a little tired still...
& gotta get home now...it's 5:20pm
take care ALL,
peace.
I hope it's peaceful wherever U'ALL are.
- J
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
feel like crying sometimes...
something must've gotten to me today...
i was doing ok, then before lunch i was just browsing on the web
&; reading about an American soldier-turned Veteran of the Iraq war...
it was an article on MSN called "the War after the War"...
i was listening to some acoustic music, it was my new old CD of
"everything but the girl" - Acoustic...
&; as i was listening to the audio clip &; looking at the photo slides...
i got chills up &; down my spine,
&; i had to hold back my tears...
at some point, i think it was about - Navigating his benefits after being injured &; amputated &; all that...misery... i had to stop, reading for a while... &; took my headphones off cause i just had to cry...
i forgot what music was playing then in my ears...but it was something strangely appropriate...
this brave soldier's story touched, him &; his family - so young,
he's only 23 &; the brave wife is also that age...
going thru this...
i was touched &; moved, inspired by their bravery
it was making me cry...
when they were talking about his disability,
it made me remember how it was for me...
just last year,
...&; the 3 years before - my first episode of the post-partum blues...
it became so close to home for me...
how real it all is, being disabled,
feeling disabled,
feeling isolated from everybody
even those u love &; care for U...
i felt my heart breaking once again...
cause i'm in the stage i'm in...
so i took a deep sigh...
freshened up my face,
took a walk...
thank God i was meeting up with my girlfriend
for lunch...
it was a good walk - down water St., (sigh)
some fresh air...is so good for U...
when u don't want to run towards medications only...
there's got to be a better way to get thru
our life's miseries...
&; even tho. sometimes "misery loves company"
when ur in the right company...
when there is Love,
when U feel the power of Love,
it is a Healing...
a true &; deeper Healing...
&; that's what touches all of us...
then my problems pale in comparison....
i believe we all go thru our own battles
but even tho. we may think we're so isolated
we are really just a part of all this
bigger picture...
the Big Picture is really,
if we keep letting war &; violence in our hearts,
it slowly seeps into the very fabric of our family,
our community...
then later on it seeps &; bleeds into the fabric
of our city,
then our country,
then later on,
we are victimizing or being victim to
other countries' miseries!
STOP!!!!
take a deep breath...
every ONE of us...
U.S....
us, starts with U & I
U & Me,
then let GO of all this fighting,
this hatred in our hearts...
just let Go,
let God as they say...
& just slow down i suppose...
i turned to my music...
i decided to blog
& listen to my favorites.
this all time fave of mine,
is... Astrud Gilberto...
her song has been playing in my soul
ever since i was a kid...
cause my Mom used to play it for herself
then...it slowly seeped into my being,
my heart & my soul...
my Mom taught me to appreciate music...
to turn to music whenever i feel this way,
whenever i'm feeling a little blue...
sometimes,
music speaks to me better than any man can...
even my husband...
funny, ur saying there she goes again...
so what, that's how i feel...
i feel protected in my music
what i listen to,
what i love,
what i sing to my kids,
what i sing to mySelf...
when i wanna cry myself to sleep,
so, am i getting depressed again???
hardly, just a little melancholy,
it's normal...
nothing wrong with me.
i'm just made that way...
a little eccentric,
a little chemically-imbalanced...
an imperfect creation of God,
but nonetheless...
God's creation.
- that's all i need to remember & keep alive in my being.
I love U,
I love mySelf
& today i really feel
love for that family struggling to make it through
their own war, after the War.
-i pray that they will be well-taken cared of.
- J
i was doing ok, then before lunch i was just browsing on the web
&; reading about an American soldier-turned Veteran of the Iraq war...
it was an article on MSN called "the War after the War"...
i was listening to some acoustic music, it was my new old CD of
"everything but the girl" - Acoustic...
&; as i was listening to the audio clip &; looking at the photo slides...
i got chills up &; down my spine,
&; i had to hold back my tears...
at some point, i think it was about - Navigating his benefits after being injured &; amputated &; all that...misery... i had to stop, reading for a while... &; took my headphones off cause i just had to cry...
i forgot what music was playing then in my ears...but it was something strangely appropriate...
this brave soldier's story touched, him &; his family - so young,
he's only 23 &; the brave wife is also that age...
going thru this...
i was touched &; moved, inspired by their bravery
it was making me cry...
when they were talking about his disability,
it made me remember how it was for me...
just last year,
...&; the 3 years before - my first episode of the post-partum blues...
it became so close to home for me...
how real it all is, being disabled,
feeling disabled,
feeling isolated from everybody
even those u love &; care for U...
i felt my heart breaking once again...
cause i'm in the stage i'm in...
so i took a deep sigh...
freshened up my face,
took a walk...
thank God i was meeting up with my girlfriend
for lunch...
it was a good walk - down water St., (sigh)
some fresh air...is so good for U...
when u don't want to run towards medications only...
there's got to be a better way to get thru
our life's miseries...
&; even tho. sometimes "misery loves company"
when ur in the right company...
when there is Love,
when U feel the power of Love,
it is a Healing...
a true &; deeper Healing...
&; that's what touches all of us...
then my problems pale in comparison....
i believe we all go thru our own battles
but even tho. we may think we're so isolated
we are really just a part of all this
bigger picture...
the Big Picture is really,
if we keep letting war &; violence in our hearts,
it slowly seeps into the very fabric of our family,
our community...
then later on it seeps &; bleeds into the fabric
of our city,
then our country,
then later on,
we are victimizing or being victim to
other countries' miseries!
STOP!!!!
take a deep breath...
every ONE of us...
U.S....
us, starts with U & I
U & Me,
then let GO of all this fighting,
this hatred in our hearts...
just let Go,
let God as they say...
& just slow down i suppose...
i turned to my music...
i decided to blog
& listen to my favorites.
this all time fave of mine,
is... Astrud Gilberto...
her song has been playing in my soul
ever since i was a kid...
cause my Mom used to play it for herself
then...it slowly seeped into my being,
my heart & my soul...
my Mom taught me to appreciate music...
to turn to music whenever i feel this way,
whenever i'm feeling a little blue...
sometimes,
music speaks to me better than any man can...
even my husband...
funny, ur saying there she goes again...
so what, that's how i feel...
i feel protected in my music
what i listen to,
what i love,
what i sing to my kids,
what i sing to mySelf...
when i wanna cry myself to sleep,
so, am i getting depressed again???
hardly, just a little melancholy,
it's normal...
nothing wrong with me.
i'm just made that way...
a little eccentric,
a little chemically-imbalanced...
an imperfect creation of God,
but nonetheless...
God's creation.
- that's all i need to remember & keep alive in my being.
I love U,
I love mySelf
& today i really feel
love for that family struggling to make it through
their own war, after the War.
-i pray that they will be well-taken cared of.
- J
Monday, February 07, 2005
my weekend...
saturday...
(this blog came about as my hubby & i
had a heated argument (*well it's been a long while since we had one)
...we were on our way to catch the ferry
to spend some time with our little boy & a few friends
in the city, to have lunch...
& these are my musings about what happened...
missed the boat again...
i wonder sometimes, if i have totally missed the boat???
the one with a flag waving "Marital Bliss"...
or a cruise that advertises smooth sailing...
altho. i'm old enough to realize that's just false advertising
& that any relationship esp. a marriage,
especially a 2nd marriage with kids!
...one from a previous marriage & one from this...
is not always going to be smooth sailing,
there's bound to be a lot of rough patches of wind
& storms that can really rock the boat....
a lot of disagreements & misunderstandings
before the understandings set it...
but we've been married 5 years now...almost six in the summer...
& still...
Marriage is a lot of work...i know,
but why does mine seem like too much effort
just to stay afloat???
& when the littlest thing gets blown out
into another exchange of bitterness & venom...
it can get pretty toxic...
another fight over
"who started it all,
who got mad first,
who is losing his temper now,
who is really immature???
there u go again!
You're always like this!"
all this useless pointing fingers when
it is so damned obvious to me,
(i don't understand why he doesn't get it!)
that the finger that's doing all the pointing
should really be pointed back at yourself first...
& there i go again wondering...where did i go wrong?
when even the most petty things escalate into
an unrecognizable anger...on both our parts...
an untrained mind's reaction to somebody else's untrained mind...
who wins in the end???
who wins at war anyway?
any kind of war,
from the smallest war of words between couples,
friends, lovers & enemies...
to the bigger picture...like...
our war with Iraq...
who really wins when everybody gets hurt
one way or another,
whether physically, mentally...
or the deeper emotional wounds
that leave some pretty deep but invisible-to-the-eye scars...
that's why i told him (my husband)
when he accused me once again of always wanting to win...
i just stopped myself from getting any madder,
& maybe stopped him dead on his tracks...
by saying...
"No, i know I lost in this one...
I am really the loser here..."
this war between us...
i admit that I totally lost...
& miserably failed in our marriage...
but just for him to remember this same
conversation...cause it keeps repeating,
& repeating, as tho beating
a dead horse with a stick."
& now that i'm learning to admit my defeat,
i need to retreat,
in my own world where i feel safer again...
where i don't need to take anybody's judgements of me...
especially from one who's supposed to be my partner in Life?!
what kind of a life would that be???
hopefully here in my retreat
i will find some peace of mind...
hopefully as it became uncomfortably quiet between us...
he'll remember this conversation...
for its same accusations,
same waste of precious energy...
being blamed that i have once again
succeeded in ruining his day...our day...
i hope he will remember this conversation
one day when (not IF) I finally leave,
cause it holds the very same reasons why
i need to leave in the first place...
it's not because i'm selfish as he always accuses me of...
but it's because i need to be selfish
& take care of my own sanity,
find that quiet,
that peace,
& slowly work my way around
finding my balance again...
All he could say to me
to end this ferris-wheel conversation,
was ...
this is what i do...
when things get a little tough,
is that i want to leave & give up,
& talk about divorce again...
always ends up to be me
who's always on the wrong side...
& i just shrugged it off once again...
another carousel ride for me.
& in the thick silence,
our little boy who sat quietly through all this,
said in his sweet & all-knowing little voice,
"Mommy,
& I said, "Yes baby?"
"I love you"
& i almost choked, but kept quiet,
& he goes on to say...
"But I love Daddy too."
& i said,..."I know, Baby...
I love you too..."
& he replied:
"I'm sick of all this talking,
& all your fighting..."
...& both my hubby & i kept very still
& feeling ashamed, i know i did...
of our oh-so-grown-up ways of being,
& it's our little 5-year old
who can make more sense of it,
who can cut through all the bullshit,
we're putting him through...
& it gets clearer to me by the second...
& i said, "Sorry Baby"...
but my husband didn't...
he just kept on driving with his stone-cold face...
probably thinking i'm the only one who should be sorry...
well, maybe...
maybe it's time to face the music
that we haven't been really up to facing...
time to admit that we have both failed,
miserably to make each other happy...
we've been staying together for the sake of
"Family" with a big fucking F,
i know we were only trying
to do the right thing...
by staying together
for our son's sake,
& my daughter who's 13...
they could probably only take
so much upheaval in their young life
... then followed by my depression...
another year of waiting things out...
another year of needing support from all my family,
until the horizon kinda clears a little...
but now...
it's plain to see,
how we're just so wrong for each other,
how no one of us is right
when the other always makes
the other one wrong...
when it's only a warped mirror
reflecting on yourself...
who's right, who's wrong
doesn't really matter in the end...
two people trying to be right all the time
turns out all wrong....
& that i think is how
we totally missed the boat...
* after the boat ride
where we just avoided talking
& i was left to write these notes in my notepad...
we were cool with each other...
but we spent the day
mostly pretending that nothing's wrong between us...
we managed to have a great time,
thanks to the neutralizing effect of friends & some strangers...
at least we were forced to be decent to each other...
then we walked a long way down from
Chinatown to the Village with those same nice friends,
& managed to pass the time away quite nicely...
thanks again to those friends,
& our child's magical ability to be in the moment,
forget about past hurts,
& not yet knowing what a war of pride is all about...
thank God for that,
my friends & my kids...
i think i can stay afloat a little bit longer
just to set things straight between us.
- J
(this blog came about as my hubby & i
had a heated argument (*well it's been a long while since we had one)
...we were on our way to catch the ferry
to spend some time with our little boy & a few friends
in the city, to have lunch...
& these are my musings about what happened...
missed the boat again...
i wonder sometimes, if i have totally missed the boat???
the one with a flag waving "Marital Bliss"...
or a cruise that advertises smooth sailing...
altho. i'm old enough to realize that's just false advertising
& that any relationship esp. a marriage,
especially a 2nd marriage with kids!
...one from a previous marriage & one from this...
is not always going to be smooth sailing,
there's bound to be a lot of rough patches of wind
& storms that can really rock the boat....
a lot of disagreements & misunderstandings
before the understandings set it...
but we've been married 5 years now...almost six in the summer...
& still...
Marriage is a lot of work...i know,
but why does mine seem like too much effort
just to stay afloat???
& when the littlest thing gets blown out
into another exchange of bitterness & venom...
it can get pretty toxic...
another fight over
"who started it all,
who got mad first,
who is losing his temper now,
who is really immature???
there u go again!
You're always like this!"
all this useless pointing fingers when
it is so damned obvious to me,
(i don't understand why he doesn't get it!)
that the finger that's doing all the pointing
should really be pointed back at yourself first...
& there i go again wondering...where did i go wrong?
when even the most petty things escalate into
an unrecognizable anger...on both our parts...
an untrained mind's reaction to somebody else's untrained mind...
who wins in the end???
who wins at war anyway?
any kind of war,
from the smallest war of words between couples,
friends, lovers & enemies...
to the bigger picture...like...
our war with Iraq...
who really wins when everybody gets hurt
one way or another,
whether physically, mentally...
or the deeper emotional wounds
that leave some pretty deep but invisible-to-the-eye scars...
that's why i told him (my husband)
when he accused me once again of always wanting to win...
i just stopped myself from getting any madder,
& maybe stopped him dead on his tracks...
by saying...
"No, i know I lost in this one...
I am really the loser here..."
this war between us...
i admit that I totally lost...
& miserably failed in our marriage...
but just for him to remember this same
conversation...cause it keeps repeating,
& repeating, as tho beating
a dead horse with a stick."
& now that i'm learning to admit my defeat,
i need to retreat,
in my own world where i feel safer again...
where i don't need to take anybody's judgements of me...
especially from one who's supposed to be my partner in Life?!
what kind of a life would that be???
hopefully here in my retreat
i will find some peace of mind...
hopefully as it became uncomfortably quiet between us...
he'll remember this conversation...
for its same accusations,
same waste of precious energy...
being blamed that i have once again
succeeded in ruining his day...our day...
i hope he will remember this conversation
one day when (not IF) I finally leave,
cause it holds the very same reasons why
i need to leave in the first place...
it's not because i'm selfish as he always accuses me of...
but it's because i need to be selfish
& take care of my own sanity,
find that quiet,
that peace,
& slowly work my way around
finding my balance again...
All he could say to me
to end this ferris-wheel conversation,
was ...
this is what i do...
when things get a little tough,
is that i want to leave & give up,
& talk about divorce again...
always ends up to be me
who's always on the wrong side...
& i just shrugged it off once again...
another carousel ride for me.
& in the thick silence,
our little boy who sat quietly through all this,
said in his sweet & all-knowing little voice,
"Mommy,
& I said, "Yes baby?"
"I love you"
& i almost choked, but kept quiet,
& he goes on to say...
"But I love Daddy too."
& i said,..."I know, Baby...
I love you too..."
& he replied:
"I'm sick of all this talking,
& all your fighting..."
...& both my hubby & i kept very still
& feeling ashamed, i know i did...
of our oh-so-grown-up ways of being,
& it's our little 5-year old
who can make more sense of it,
who can cut through all the bullshit,
we're putting him through...
& it gets clearer to me by the second...
& i said, "Sorry Baby"...
but my husband didn't...
he just kept on driving with his stone-cold face...
probably thinking i'm the only one who should be sorry...
well, maybe...
maybe it's time to face the music
that we haven't been really up to facing...
time to admit that we have both failed,
miserably to make each other happy...
we've been staying together for the sake of
"Family" with a big fucking F,
i know we were only trying
to do the right thing...
by staying together
for our son's sake,
& my daughter who's 13...
they could probably only take
so much upheaval in their young life
... then followed by my depression...
another year of waiting things out...
another year of needing support from all my family,
until the horizon kinda clears a little...
but now...
it's plain to see,
how we're just so wrong for each other,
how no one of us is right
when the other always makes
the other one wrong...
when it's only a warped mirror
reflecting on yourself...
who's right, who's wrong
doesn't really matter in the end...
two people trying to be right all the time
turns out all wrong....
& that i think is how
we totally missed the boat...
* after the boat ride
where we just avoided talking
& i was left to write these notes in my notepad...
we were cool with each other...
but we spent the day
mostly pretending that nothing's wrong between us...
we managed to have a great time,
thanks to the neutralizing effect of friends & some strangers...
at least we were forced to be decent to each other...
then we walked a long way down from
Chinatown to the Village with those same nice friends,
& managed to pass the time away quite nicely...
thanks again to those friends,
& our child's magical ability to be in the moment,
forget about past hurts,
& not yet knowing what a war of pride is all about...
thank God for that,
my friends & my kids...
i think i can stay afloat a little bit longer
just to set things straight between us.
- J
Thursday, February 03, 2005
purses, bags, backpacks, luggages & all kinds of baggages...
ever noticed how people are so attached to their bags/baggages?
just this morning, on my commute
i decided to get coffee on the boat instead of getting it from my coffee vendor
to sip at leisure in my cube...
well, that means not a lot of seat left to enjoy the view
so i looked around & sat as close to the view of the ferry approaching downtown manhattan,
& found one ok spot - if not for this guy's computer bag (excuse me, it's leather so...)
sitting right where i want to sit & enjoy my coffee...
thinking that he would move his bag, i sat down beside him...
& whatdya' know, he wouldn't move an inch of himself or his bag!
(as if he paid for that space!! when we all know the ferry ride is still free)
i looked at him with my "if looks could kill" eyes but...
he pretended not to care...
of course, this must be tough on his part too...
no one, but no one, has ever been able to withstand my cold, flying dagger looks...
he must be truly insensitive, having chills up & down his spine, or totally numb in the mornings!
...So, i shrugged it off,
moved a few inches towards the other side of this warm wooden bench...
mtm, the guy sitting next to me, an older dude with a pouch belly,
gave me the "look" as i placed my coffee gingerly between us
...that small space for my butt, my precious morning drug (the coffee),
& the guy on my left's computer bag, & this guy with the pouch belly...
made my morning something to sigh & blog about...
it's like a Charlie Chaplin silent movie...
& i'm the damsel in distress...except i'm annoyed, not distressed.
makes me wonder out loud,
what is so precious about all our bags???
women with their purses, book bags filled with other smaller bags...
like cosmetic bags, lipstick cases, fanny packs ( i can't imagine how they got that name!)
cell phone bags, black book bags, lunch bags & other junk,
& you get men, with their computer bags, backpacks filled with
God knows what?!
it's like, Hello!!! why are we lugging our life around with us...
on our daily grind...to & from work???
when most probably we won't even have any time
to even look at the contents of these baggages,
or at best do the errands, reading books, writing notes
that we plan for carrying these baggages around with us...
all day long...only to throw them at the floor of our cubes/ or offices,
inconsequentially forgotten until it's time to close shop again & go home?
& we do this day in,
& day out...
trudging with our heavy bags as tho they're our beasts of burden...
i used to be guilty of carrying my life around me,
wherever i go,
even if it's just to work
or for a quick jaunt in the city...
but that's my commuter mentality,
afraid to leave anything behind...
afraid to let go of important stuff from home,
in case what?!
in case I die on my way to & from work?!
which could happen, by some freakish coincidence,
& sometimes unfortunately happens to some unfortunate souls,
like the freak accident on the S.I. Ferry last year?!
But when that happens,
a one in a million chance...
how does carrying a big bag help?
unless u have some first aid emergency kit in there,
or a built-in accident insurance,
or a shield against muggers, better yet, a gun!
i can't think of anything else...
but nothing in your bag can really save you from an accident...
nothing in your bag can really prepare you for what Life
has in store for U for that special day...
IN THE MOMENT...
that's where U need to be...
that's why i stopped carrying my Life around
like a ball & chain...
& started travelling light,
or lighter... i have a small cute red purse now
that i put only my most basic necessities
to go out for a day
away from home...
& when i really need to,
i carry another small shopping bag...maybe
for one book or a magazine,
or paper to read...
for a lunch bag if i decide to,
that's all i need.
my baby's photos are in my wallet
everything else is basic,
a little money, a couple of credit cards,
a lipstick, chapstick, face powder,
a pen & my address book, some paper (just in case i'm inspired to write)...
sometimes i can fit a bill or 2 in there,
if i really need to check on some current money issues...
otherwise, nada - nothing more
about my life in my little red bag...
on days that i need to go somewhere else
like Yoga, or after work stuff...
then i might carry my bigger bag,
with a fresh change of shirt & socks,
a place for my Yoga mat,
a CD walkman...(an Ipod is on my wish list)
for that long, tiring commute back home,
after a long day in the city...
Someday, i would love to travel really light...
with not even a bag...
everything will be on me,
without being too bulky on my clothes,
just to feel complete,
with my hands free,
& my mind free to wander as they please,
& my heart open,
In the Moment....
& then someday,
i will travel really, really light...
as in ...nothing on me,
nada,
just me & my body,
naked...
& my spirit,
unbound.
That would be the Day.
till then,
trudge-ing on...
& blogging about it...
- J
just this morning, on my commute
i decided to get coffee on the boat instead of getting it from my coffee vendor
to sip at leisure in my cube...
well, that means not a lot of seat left to enjoy the view
so i looked around & sat as close to the view of the ferry approaching downtown manhattan,
& found one ok spot - if not for this guy's computer bag (excuse me, it's leather so...)
sitting right where i want to sit & enjoy my coffee...
thinking that he would move his bag, i sat down beside him...
& whatdya' know, he wouldn't move an inch of himself or his bag!
(as if he paid for that space!! when we all know the ferry ride is still free)
i looked at him with my "if looks could kill" eyes but...
he pretended not to care...
of course, this must be tough on his part too...
no one, but no one, has ever been able to withstand my cold, flying dagger looks...
he must be truly insensitive, having chills up & down his spine, or totally numb in the mornings!
...So, i shrugged it off,
moved a few inches towards the other side of this warm wooden bench...
mtm, the guy sitting next to me, an older dude with a pouch belly,
gave me the "look" as i placed my coffee gingerly between us
...that small space for my butt, my precious morning drug (the coffee),
& the guy on my left's computer bag, & this guy with the pouch belly...
made my morning something to sigh & blog about...
it's like a Charlie Chaplin silent movie...
& i'm the damsel in distress...except i'm annoyed, not distressed.
makes me wonder out loud,
what is so precious about all our bags???
women with their purses, book bags filled with other smaller bags...
like cosmetic bags, lipstick cases, fanny packs ( i can't imagine how they got that name!)
cell phone bags, black book bags, lunch bags & other junk,
& you get men, with their computer bags, backpacks filled with
God knows what?!
it's like, Hello!!! why are we lugging our life around with us...
on our daily grind...to & from work???
when most probably we won't even have any time
to even look at the contents of these baggages,
or at best do the errands, reading books, writing notes
that we plan for carrying these baggages around with us...
all day long...only to throw them at the floor of our cubes/ or offices,
inconsequentially forgotten until it's time to close shop again & go home?
& we do this day in,
& day out...
trudging with our heavy bags as tho they're our beasts of burden...
i used to be guilty of carrying my life around me,
wherever i go,
even if it's just to work
or for a quick jaunt in the city...
but that's my commuter mentality,
afraid to leave anything behind...
afraid to let go of important stuff from home,
in case what?!
in case I die on my way to & from work?!
which could happen, by some freakish coincidence,
& sometimes unfortunately happens to some unfortunate souls,
like the freak accident on the S.I. Ferry last year?!
But when that happens,
a one in a million chance...
how does carrying a big bag help?
unless u have some first aid emergency kit in there,
or a built-in accident insurance,
or a shield against muggers, better yet, a gun!
i can't think of anything else...
but nothing in your bag can really save you from an accident...
nothing in your bag can really prepare you for what Life
has in store for U for that special day...
IN THE MOMENT...
that's where U need to be...
that's why i stopped carrying my Life around
like a ball & chain...
& started travelling light,
or lighter... i have a small cute red purse now
that i put only my most basic necessities
to go out for a day
away from home...
& when i really need to,
i carry another small shopping bag...maybe
for one book or a magazine,
or paper to read...
for a lunch bag if i decide to,
that's all i need.
my baby's photos are in my wallet
everything else is basic,
a little money, a couple of credit cards,
a lipstick, chapstick, face powder,
a pen & my address book, some paper (just in case i'm inspired to write)...
sometimes i can fit a bill or 2 in there,
if i really need to check on some current money issues...
otherwise, nada - nothing more
about my life in my little red bag...
on days that i need to go somewhere else
like Yoga, or after work stuff...
then i might carry my bigger bag,
with a fresh change of shirt & socks,
a place for my Yoga mat,
a CD walkman...(an Ipod is on my wish list)
for that long, tiring commute back home,
after a long day in the city...
Someday, i would love to travel really light...
with not even a bag...
everything will be on me,
without being too bulky on my clothes,
just to feel complete,
with my hands free,
& my mind free to wander as they please,
& my heart open,
In the Moment....
& then someday,
i will travel really, really light...
as in ...nothing on me,
nada,
just me & my body,
naked...
& my spirit,
unbound.
That would be the Day.
till then,
trudge-ing on...
& blogging about it...
- J
Friday, January 28, 2005
meanwhile, back in the ofc....
U know you've sunk into a new "low" in the office when:
- there are pow-wows conducted about who's job is it to provide milk for the coffee.
- someone hogs the private handicapped restroom for almost 30 mins., newspaper in hand (mtm, there's probably a Playboy magazine hidden inside!) & leaves not a very nice scent behind :(
- u have to "express" your milk in the very same private restroom, because you want to do the right thing as a working mom - since your ofc. doesn't provide special amenities for employees who choose to continue to nurse their babies even after their very long maternity leave of 6 weeks!!! (why isn't that the standard norm of disability allowed in the States? it's just not fair to the other working women who choose not to get pregnant! come on now...)
- when u come back from your "vacation"/disability, they've given your job to the young intern who doesn't even want to type memos, make copies, or send faxes cause it's not in her job description & she didn't go to College to make copies, excuse me!. (So u got nothing better to do but show your new baby photos around the whole ofc...more FUN!)
- someone starts stealing your post-its & moves your stapler to an undisclosed location.
- people start looking for someone to blame for the microwave going dead.
- it's the 3rd day of a communication power outage in your building & there is nothing to do but FILE or stare at your PC/phone - nothing is working, not even U.
- on your way to work, you're practicing a speech for your boss to please let you go (in other words - say the Trump words to U - " You're fired!", cause God forbid u quit first, & not be able to collect even a small unemployment - in this job market, that's a sin!)
- half of your day is spent window shopping for houses online, knowing that u probably will be out of a job soon, & maybe not finding one right away after getting fired, & still think you can buy a house soon!
- U get a reputation at your job as a "ballbuster", but most of the guys U have to deal with are not even aware of their own "macho shitload" mentality.
- U have looked at all the vacation cruises, packages, get-aways when U have used up all your vacation days....but saving those searches maybe for the next vacation!
- you know the temp in the next cube is having phone sex & getting paid by the hour & U have to sit in front of your computer & input a thousand more names & addresses.
- when there's a Nor'easter blizzard on your first day back at work & your ofc is open anyway (after the much awaited & anticipated holidays)...& the sanitation crew in your burb decided to plough the snow back on your driveway & buried your car.
- when you're playing solitaire on ur PC & losing to yourself- how is that possible???
& THE BEST for me IS:
- when you've resorted to Blogging at work, to keep your sanity, continue to look busy, & get paid ok by doing it :)
maybe more later,
p.s.
music for the day is...
"Tristeza, the deep sadness your heart feels...
let it linger forever,
let your kiss...."
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
summer samba in winter
hey there,
needed to get away from my other "serious" blog-in-progress from last week?! called seek my bliss...
just needed to keep things light a bit...
so here goes,
my song for the week...
"So Nice" (summer samba)
someone to hold me tight
that would be very nice,
someone to love me right
that would be very nice,
someone who'll understand
each little dream in me,
someone who'll take my hand
& be a team with me...
so nice,
that would be so nice,
if someday i'll find
someone who will take my hand
& samba through life with me...
someone who'll sing to me
stay w/ me right or wrong,
someone who'll sing to me
one little samba song,
someone who'll take my hand
& give his heart to me,
someone who's ready to give Love a start with me...
so nice,
that would be so nice
if someday i'll find
someone who will take my hand
& SAMBA through Life with Me.
( da,da,da, da...da....
wouldn't it be lover-ly!)
that's all i'm looking for...
tell me that's not too much to ask my angels...
tell me,
that's not U,
tell me my angels answered my prayer
when i met U,
that one fine winter's day...
that turned my winter memories
into summer samba day dreams....
so here's to U,
on your own cold winter nights,
may the little memories
you may hold of me...
warm you like a summer samba
in disguise.
:) J
needed to get away from my other "serious" blog-in-progress from last week?! called seek my bliss...
just needed to keep things light a bit...
so here goes,
my song for the week...
"So Nice" (summer samba)
someone to hold me tight
that would be very nice,
someone to love me right
that would be very nice,
someone who'll understand
each little dream in me,
someone who'll take my hand
& be a team with me...
so nice,
that would be so nice,
if someday i'll find
someone who will take my hand
& samba through life with me...
someone who'll sing to me
stay w/ me right or wrong,
someone who'll sing to me
one little samba song,
someone who'll take my hand
& give his heart to me,
someone who's ready to give Love a start with me...
so nice,
that would be so nice
if someday i'll find
someone who will take my hand
& SAMBA through Life with Me.
( da,da,da, da...da....
wouldn't it be lover-ly!)
that's all i'm looking for...
tell me that's not too much to ask my angels...
tell me,
that's not U,
tell me my angels answered my prayer
when i met U,
that one fine winter's day...
that turned my winter memories
into summer samba day dreams....
so here's to U,
on your own cold winter nights,
may the little memories
you may hold of me...
warm you like a summer samba
in disguise.
:) J
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