more on the eclipse...

what else do u think is affected by our strange cosmic movements recently?

• the night of the total lunar eclipse as the Boston Red Sox & Cardinals were playing...well the game i heard dragged on till late into the night (till around 11:30pm?!) and finally Boston Red Sox won! their so called BabeRuth curse was lifted...who believes in curses anyway? well that was a feat that they've been trying to do for 86 years they say. Wow.
• i sense a strong discontentment that's been brewing among the general masses in NYC & i'm guessing around the country too, the strong middle-class discontent with the status quo to put mildy...about the mistakes made in Iraq, the reasons why we're there, the stolen 300 tons ammunition, while in the homefront we've lost millions of jobs, lost healthcare for a lot of the unemployed, cutbacks on educational & social services for the poor & the disadvantaged...& so on & so forth...i don't want to sound like a politician here so...all i'm saying is, the discontent is palpable, u can almost feel it unless you're numb by ur own comfort level in life.
• so, maybe something will eclipse on NOV. 2...maybe just maybe, something will tip over the scales towards what's right & fair...& John Kerry/John Edwards will win.
• or the extreme case could happen too, not to forget what the other side is capable of doing by any means necessary to tip over the scales towards their side of the fence...votes lost, intentionally registered voters being disqualified & not counted...voting machines not working like the ghost of the "chads"...& other spoofs that u think only happens in cartoons...how the wild, wild west was won! (i just hope this time the indians & cowboys know which side they're on...)
• & last but not least, i've been noticing a lot of homeless people coming out of the woodwork once again in the beautiful Manhattan backdrop...& i wonder, do they always let out the looneys in the streets during the full moon, or is it just budget cuts?! - no answer available, just continue on w/ my wonderment...& pray for these lost souls...
• If, someone who's gonna give us "more of the same" rhetoric & empty promises will win this election, i don't know who's more lost...Us or them?
• maybe this is what the total lunar eclipse is trying to tell us... listen world,
• it's time for a Transformation, a new way of seeing things, from war to healthcare, from the politics of greed to the politics of compassionate leadership...who are the true leader here???

* the emperor with new clothes, or the prince & the pauper... i just love simplifying complex politically-charged situations with my fave. children's stories. cause it ends up that the moral lesson of the story is still - the good will prevail. & i believe there is still a lot of good in all our hearts....no matter how bad the political & societal situation gets....little folks like U & me, carry on....have to keep carrying on with heads held high working with tighter belts but with bright hopes for the future ....

till then, keep our hearts as pure & simple as a child & vote with confidence & a child's faith in all that's good...Good luck & may the best Leader win.

it's about time.... for a Lunar Eclipse of the Heart

i had to laugh at my last blog...what 2 weeks ago now?!
wow, it's been that long since i heard strong voices in my head...
well (sigh)...it's good that i can laugh at bad days like those....

but here i am, with more "stuff"
feeling a little bit more centered and still under the pressures of time & motherhood duties...
(someday, i'll be able to blog all day if i want to, put my feet up & watch the tides
from my beach house window...curtains flowing with the ocean breeze,
take long walks along the shore when i need to get in touch with my sanity once again...)
for now, i wanna do this till about 9pm...it says 8:20 on my PC...

so here goes,
how have i been? i've been mostly busy with family stuff...
getting over another cold, from my little ones of course,
making sure everybody's healthy & getting over their little cold,
also, been busy with my never-ending web researching for
jobs in Atlanta, homes from rentals to foreclosures to...whatever
else seems promising for a future transplant...

Again, sometimes i wonder, when will i ever stop moving?
(right, when i die...) but i've been moving since i was a little kid...
my Dad used to be assigned to a different city/town every year for his job,
and he would pack up his family (my Mom, me & my then 4 brothers...1 additional baby brother came much later on, when we settled down in one place for at least 4 years)...
everything else was 1 year here & the next year another new school, & new friends...
we were living like nomads...you'd think i'd be used to it by now...
maybe i am, & maybe that's why i don't like staying in one place for too long.

i've been living in NYC/& Jersey for almost 17 years now...
17 years, 2 wonderful kids, 2 trying marriages,
3 "real" jobs, a few more temp jobs, in between...
a few boyfriends (before & in between marriages)...nothing serious,
2 "real" best friends,
2 scary breakdowns,
2 amazing recoveries from depression,
17 winters....17 years of the dance of the seasons,
1 fantasy "ideal" love,
1 loyal & loving Mom living with me,
separated from my 1 loving Daddy...
...sometimes, i wonder when will it be my turn,
to turn full circle...
my favorite number is 3...
i think that if Life gives me another chance at LOVE,
3 is IT, what is it they say???
3 strikes and you're OUT!
...well, maybe 3 is my magic number, who knows.

i was watching the total lunar eclipse last night,
from around 10:15pm - to the time i started getting cold in my pajamas & light coat...
it was beautiful just watching how strange the moon looked in it's orange-burnt sienna glow...
with a clear white lining on a quarter of it's side disappearing ever so slowly...
how strange the thought that at that very moment
our planet earth was causing a shadow that blocked the sun's light from
reflecting on our beautiful full moon...
how sad that moon must have felt...
for a few moments to miss the sun's glow...
the moon must have felt really cold
wrapped up in the total darkness of the evening cosmos...
& i stood there, a mere mortal...
feeling what the moon must be feeling if she could feel...
what it's like not to have the reflection of
the Love of her life...lighting up her world...

...it's strange knowing there is something missing

but is it something that i am merely creating for myself

from my blasted past, or is it really something missing???

& when i walked back inside my home,

u wouldnt believe what song was playing on the radio station (Lite FM of course)...

yep, (as if to add insult to injury...)...

Bonnie Raitt's "I can't make U love me, if U don't"

(again, i had to smile inside & sigh at the utter serendipity of each magical moment

given to us by this strangely mystical Universe...

that's why i still believe in angels, some things in Life don't need to be explained.)

i know u can't answer this question...

but why do I love someone who is just an "Ideal",

an Idea, perhaps, of what could be

perfect...

why do i now seek perfection...in an imperfect world???

enough to drive myself crazy...

enough, (sigh)

so i say, it's about time...

for a total Lunar eclipse of the Heart...

p.s.

i just found out from an old friend that this "ideal" of a man i have in my crazy obsessions,

just got married to his girlfriend (who was a single mom too just like me...)

but hey, my best friend had to remind me that I am still married...

I had to laugh when we were talking on the phone this morning,

& as we spoke of where we both are in our lives right now,

as i write this ...I am still very much married in what could be

more like a modern day marriage of convenience...

all i can really do for now is carry on...

the time will come for that lunar eclipse of the heart,

time comes...patience is a virtue.

for now, good night I & I...

keep watching the beautiful mother Moon

& enjoy the love between our Sun and the Moon...

it's there for all star-crossed lovers to witness.

:) j

having a bad day

...ever had one of those bad days where ur only halfway thru
ur morning & already u know it's BAD...
& ur wondering to urself can it get any worse than it is already?
well, tell me if this isn't a bad day or what...

last night my daughter was complaining of stomach pains
& it really scared me, we almost had to rush her to the all-hours HIP clinic
but i gave her some medicine that could help her sleep & after a few minutes
she lied down
& rested & i stayed by her side until she fell asleep...
so thank God it was nothing serious, i was afraid it was an appendicitis attack
(cause i had one of those & i thought the symptoms were almost the same...but it's not)

so, i woke up today not feeling very well-rested,
my daughter was feeling much better & decided she can go to school...
that was good...
until my hubby started glaring at me for something i said to him last night...
(he was still harboring some ill feelings apparently...when i told him why don't he sleep earlier instead of being so obsessed with his guitar-playing & then complain to me about how our son wakes him up early the following day?!...that's all! i hate how he can sleep on bad feelings & carry it over to the following morning! what's up with that?! )
i mean, can't we start fresh every morning? it's a new day isn't it?

& today, it was over some petty things...
i just reminded him that our son don't have any more juice pack to bring to school,
(which was in the grocery list that he intentionally forgets to bring when it's his turn to do grocery...) his excuse this time was,
he wasn't finished doing his grocery yet...
(what?! he wants to go to the grocery twice instead of just once, when he really hates to do grocery?!
i don't get it. )
So, he had to run out to the corner store & get a juice pack & milk too -
at more expensive deli prices...
then he comes out & lashes at me that i've been attacking him since last night!
(yep! those were his exact words...go figure)...
By reminding him of things that he already should know (as a "parent"), & hopefully do as part of his responsibilities, he thinks i'm attacking him!
So i told him, it's all in the way he takes it.
If he takes my reminders as harsh criticisms & thinks i'm on the offensive,
THAT is HIS problem... cause i didn't intend it that way.
only that if i don't remind him, things will just be forgotten & all we will hear are his & my complaints....rackets, rackets, & more rackets.

so, we both rushed to our morning,
he dropped off our son to school,
my daughter wished everyone goodbye as sweetly as she is,
my Mom hides out in her room to avoid any further friction in the house,
& i run to my bus stop...
& guess who greets me at the foot of the stairs on my way out?!
- Yep, my mother-in-law...
she just happens to be awake so early today
& must have heard our little exchange of words,
& wanted to see how my daughter is feeling today & maybe put her 2cents in...
...( it was enough for me not to sprint out of there to the bus stop like a woman running a marathon!)

(& that was only 7:45 am. :)

next stop, my office.
at around 10:00 this morning, my EX-hubby (my daughter's Daddy) calls to tell me he wants to take her around November for a week's vacation to Indiana to visit his uncle's family.
(Fine, i knew this was coming sometime ago, but i thought it wasn't happening anymore.
U don't know my Ex-husband, nothing is for certain with this guy...everything is just let's see what happens & we'll save our reactions till then...he can just change his plans as easily as the wind blows... )
Well, as i wasn't in the best moods already, i tried to hear him out.
I asked him what if our daughter doesn't want to go with them?
what if she doesn't want to miss any more school days than she has to,
(cause they already have plans to go back to the Philippines for a vacation in January 2005- & that i had agreed to.)
But hey, he had to give me this "attitude" that it doesn't matter what i think,
or what my daughter says, nothing really matters except his decision that's already made up! Can u believe it???
I had to roll up my eyes, instead of banging the phone down to his ears, & pray to God for some patience...
But patience i couldn't find & a little argument ensues....(my second for today, i'm doing really good, didn't i tell U?)
it's a good thing there's hardly anyone in the office today
- my boss is out on a seminar all day, & well i probably raised my voice once or twice...
when my ex started ranting on about how he doesn't care about our public school system anyway,
& that the family is the most important thing over school,
& how my daughter's school is not important & this & that...
(sigh)
which brought us back to the perennial argument of whether each one of us have been able to use our hard-won college degrees (his is a B.A. from NYU & mine a B.A. from the University of the Philippines - which i happen to be proud of! Thank U!)
But NO, he had to put down my education & ask how am i really using my college degree now?! (just because he didn't want to put his own education to good use! he had to try & step all over mine!)
...& to top it off, he had the nerve to tell me that is this my way of using my education
- by learning how to type?!
THAT broke the ICE for me, the ungrateful disrespectful EX that he is, & again i realize how it was that i had to break off my mistake of a marriage to this guy...
(another sigh...then enough is enough & i had to tell him off!)
..i said, that i don't have time here at work to listen to him complaining about everything including the U.S. school system! ( cause if he can't change it right now, where we are at this point in our lives, then why not work with it? that's my philosophy)
NO, not him, my EX thinks he's Mister High & Mighty & too good for this system, that if it doesn't work for him, he just won't deal with it & just leave it & maybe try to make his own system...which in philosophy may be nice & idealistic but in reality really stooopid!!!
when u don't know the first thing about changing the system! Why then didn't he become a teacher! I mean what the hell does he want from me?! not put my daughter through school,
or home-school her when i have to work full-time to earn a living since he doesn't have to give me any child support (cause he also doesn't go by the court system! Thank God i haven't brought him up to court again...cause i just don't want to deal with all that fighting over money, i'd rather maintain my friendship with my EX for the sake of my daughter...but sometimes...)
God, give me a f-&$&^@#! break.
The reason why single-Moms or even remarried-Moms have to work twice as hard is because of these ungrateful fathers,
who want to shun the system that they themselves have turned their backs on because they're either too lazy or too damned proud to work with it...for the sake of what?! their freaking philosophies!
Dammit, i'm so sick of philosophizing, finger-pointers who don't even have their two feet planted firmly on the ground.
...to make a long morning short! i just told him off & if he wants to discuss this further he will have to call me at home tonight (not at work!)...
& SO, I HUNG UP THE PHONE ON HIS PATHETIC WHINY EARS!
(& that felt good!)

I'm sorry if i sound whiny to U too, but i just need to VENT.
there are days like this in my life,
& there are good, nothing-can-go-wrong days...
usually i am on good terms with my EX,
& also with my hubby....although sometimes we're more like "friends with benefits"
but there will always be days like this...
& then i wonder to myself...
with all the so-called "baby-Daddy-DRAMA" that surrounds me,
what must i do to change my Life
& make it better???
cause God knows, this is not how i want it to be.
It's got to be better than this.
(maybe, single-motherhood can be bliss...)
all i ask for now is, i hope my day turns out better.
:) Jay

my autumn leaf

just wanted to write about this season...& all it's wonders....

Autumn is almost here!
u can tell from the cool, crisp air & my dry skin...
i love the fall season but i don't like when my skin & lips start chapping so bad,
& my allergies start again...first in the Spring then Fall...
but i try not to pay attention to that.
what i love most is the changing of colors around me
the leaves change into these glorious earthy hues & they're my favorite colors -
burnt sienna, bright golden yellows & fuschia-reds & rustic browns...
when i stare out the bus window every morning
it also gives me the distinct feeling that change is coming...
Fall is all about changes.
i think our bodies start adjusting to the cold weather this time
& so i tend to eat more, sleep more...want to do less...
& sometimes i catch a cold, jsut like my kids
& take some sick days just to take care of myself
& sometimes them when they get sick,
& drink lots of teas & sleep all day...
also, i start becoming more introspective,
it's the season for looking inside one's Self &
checking in on what "stuff" need to be LET GO of...
u know, kinda like spring cleaning but more on the spiritual side...
it coincides with the time i change my wardrobe from summer to fall
& then into winter...
so i start thinking of warmer clothes,
the soft plush sweaters & long down coats & comforters that protect me from the cold...
& i also start thinking of protecting my inner self from whatever dark thoughts
or whatever dark moods might come my way...
i notice that about myself... (& other people too, i guess)
i get more moody in the winter...
So i got the whole autumn to prepare & strengthen myself...
i started taking Yoga classes again, that always helps,
then i am planning a mini weekend get-away from the city...
anywhere not so expensive, maybe Mystic, CT again...
with my family, around the christmas holidays,
just to feel some old-time country sort of festivities,
like i wish i could hear some carollers,
i miss that from when i was a kid growing up,
i used to go carolling a lot with my church chorus
...I just love Christmas songs!
it makes your heart glow...& i get teary eyed sometimes...
& a fireplace during christmas would be nice too...

so, i really love Autumn with all its wind & rain & falling leaves,
Mother nature has a way of preparing us for what winter has in store for us...
& i love that it signifies the coming of the holy-days...
thanksgiving, Christmas & the New Year.

* i got one little story to share about my boy...
one afternoon we were driving with the kids in our van (to do some errands),
all of a sudden he said " Daddy, stop the car now!"
since we were on a highway, he couldn't just stop the car so
we asked him, why Diego?
what he said really blew me away...
he said, "cause i want to get a leaf to give to Mommy..."
he is just the sweetest kid...
he must've remembered all those times that we would pick up leaves
that we like from the ground & inspect them & choose our favorites
to bring home & make into our autumn art on the walls or desks or
bookmarkers...
he remembers how much i love them...&
somehow i'm really happy we've instilled this love & respect of nature in our kids too...
it totally made my day...
even if we couldn't stop the car to pick up some leaves then,
i squeezed his hand & said "thanks for being so sweet my boy!"

( i can only wish that when he grows up, he won't lose this sweet innocence,
this sensitivity to little things that we mothers & women adore...but that's probably wishful thinking)


p.s.
i wanted to write more, next time i will write about:
3) watching Manhattan fade away from view (on my commute home on the ferry)
4) the final debate Kerry vs.Bush tonight (Kerry wins of course.)
5) my new fave shows on tv - desperate housewives, lost, & the apprentice, Extreme makeover home edition (because of Ty - my crush)

6) what else, thinking of U once in a while...once too often...
song for U -"i can't make u love me" by Bonnie Raitt

quiet thoughts...

(4:30 pm at the ofc.)

not much to do around here,
so I BLOG...
still sticking to my "less is more" style of blogging,
maybe even less commas
or punctuations?...
but don't we all need to pause sometimes?

well, my weekend with the family was great...
we watched "Shark Tale"
with our little boy who sat at the edge of his booster-seat,
in awe at all that wonderful animation & grooving with the music...
cartoons has got to be my favorite type of movie nowadays...
i loved Robert de Niro with his typecasted character...what else can he be
but a Godfather?! fuggedaboudit!
i also love the character of Angie - renee zellweger's voice is so cute,
& also that shark who wants to be a dolphin, jack black - real cute,
my little boy's favorite is the little fish of course, will smith!
he's too cool for school!
- i don't know what i enjoy more,
watching my little boy get a kick & lol at the movie
or the movie itself...
i think my son is the cutest of all!
he is such a natural, such a ham!

well, whatelse is new?
not much really...
been doing some planning for our relocation next year...
i did my packing organizer list, by room, then by different categories,
big items like furnitures which we won't be bringing a lot of,
medium items, like kitchen stuff, computers, desks & chairs,
& smaller items, but essentials like clothes for the season, & others to be packed
in storage boxes, what else?
getting rid of knick-knacks ( i dont even know where all these come from???) & clutter,
if there is ONE thing i hate the most....it's CLUTTER!
I HATE CLUTTER!
so i try to figure out a way to be more organized,
not to bring any clutter at all, if possible,
so i'm making a bunch of lists,
- what to bring, what to throw away, & what to give-away to charity...

I did a little house-window-shopping online,
i'm afraid these houses that are within my budget only look good online,
once i step into the location, the "hood" - i don't really know what i'll find...
what elements are lurking behind the "nice house in a 'good' school" area...
but there's no harm in doing early research,
as long as i don't daydream about these houses all day long,
as i might just be putting my hopes up too high.

& i was supposed to go to a friend's party (sort of a wishing-well, going away event)
kinda like a "crossroads" party where friends of my friend will sit & catch up
& chat about the latest happenings in my friend's very interesting life...
he sort of quit/got his position dissolved for a good severance package,
& now is just planning to bum around for a few months to a year i guess,
(some people are so lucky!)
& travel around the world, maybe Tibet or somewhere in Asia...
(something i would love to do, when i get a chance to get off this treadmill i'm on)...
- he's one of my best friends, one of the few i have left,
that hasn't given up on me after my bouts of hibernation/due to depression...
But again, i didn't make it to his party...
oh well, he's probably used to me by now.
I'm just not a party animal anymore... used to love it once in a while,
meeting new people, schmoozing & boozing (though i don't really drink, a half-glass of
beer/ or wine makes me tipsy & red... so, so much for boozing!)
can't hold it in my system...
i guess i've changed ever since a became a Mom for the second time...
i used to party or hang out more in the city when i was just
a first time Mom, then again i was also enjoying my new-found freedom
of being a single-mom...at that time.
now, i'm married & with strings attached (i'd say loose strings, ha, ha, ha)
i prefer the solitude of my suburban pad on the weekends,
enjoying the "quiet" comforts of raising my little boy
who wreaks havoc on my energy level,
i'm up with him and after a few rounds of playing games,
i'm down, knocked out...& his batteries are still running...
sometimes though, with the help of his Daddy,
taking turns to play soldier or car-crashing games,
all of a sudden his eyes start getting droopy &
he'd put his hand in his favorite pillow (his security blanket)
& doze off...then & only then,
my private time for myself starts
then i can enjoy my little quiet moments...
i can watch him sleep for an hour without tiring,
(why do kids look like angels when they're sleeping,
& little terrors once they're up & running???)
well, that's my weekend partying with my little boy...
when i hear his squels of delight at his own made-up games,
& watch him become the commander in chief,
the ruler of his minions of hot wheeling cars,
i just can't trade it for the world...
& even if he empties my cup...all the time,
so does he make it overflow with love...
the little comforts of my weekend with him,
are so special because i know they're only fleeting,
only for a moment - will he be a toddler,
then before i can catch up with everything that's going on around us...
he'll be a grown little man, who doesn't want his Mommy being sweet to him in public,
I enjoy what i can now cause he's the sweetest thing,
& maybe he'll change because they all do on the road to independence,
& maybe he'll forget how sweet he was to his Mommy, but maybe he won't...
at least now, i'm making the most out of all the hugs & kisses,
those butterfly kisses blown in the air & caught in his cute little hands,
& those sneezes right smack on my face,
& squeals of laughter followed by the pitter-patter of running footsteps
all over our little house,
i wouldn't trade it for a bigger house, at least not right now...
the closeness we have in our encroached spaces,
force us to be in-ur-face closely knit...
sometimes when it gets a bit much like getting cabin fever in the winter,
i just go running,
or lock myself in my room for a few hours, maybe the whole night...
& indulge in some quiet thinking...

p.s.
of course, U come into my mind,
i even wonder sometimes, what it would be like,
if we have a baby - yours & mine,
what a gift he/she would be,
that baby would have both U & me...how awesome would that be?
(sigh) but then again reality,
i would be too old by the time we even get lucky
to see each other again...who knows when that will be...
& what kinds of stories of dragons in our lives we have to slay...
before a little good night's kiss...
can lead to a hug, or a dance maybe,
at the age of sixty???

ha,ha,ha...till then U will always be with Me.