New Year's Resolution

i'm blogging right now to keep my sanity!
i have been crazzyyly busy these past few days & it's supposed to be my holiday!!!
so, after our family New Year's eve dinner, i tried to take a power nap after all the mad food preparations & gourmet meals...all the rushing from Christmas to now...all the get togethers, my mind was finally screaming inside..."Stop this world, i want to get off!!!"
- i told everyone i need to take a little break, my mother-in-law & my Mom were nice enough probably to realize that i do need a little time for myself - maybe a little nap will do me good, before we once again converge & get together for the countdown to the New Year's, before all the wine & toasting & noises start all over again...
so, as i was trying to take a nap, my mind was racing, just stupid petty thoughts on what else i need to do tomorrow, when tomorrow is another day...why can't i stop thinking???
why can't i relax?>>>
so here i am...i announced to my daughter & her cousins hanging out in our room (where the computer is...where my only escape from this craziness is...)
...& said, "wait i need a little time to just be by myself & get on the computer & write some stuff..." for me, a release,...for them, maybe they think i'm just acting weird & that's normal... i think they understood even a little bit...so they left me alone.

it's funny during the holidays, a mom almost has to scream at the top of her lungs, from the mountaintops, (figuratively speaking) to be noticed that hey, if u don't let me have some space...
i'm gonna explode!!! If u can't leave me alone for just a tiny bit, i will leave all of you's alone to do all the holiday preparations! Don't get me wrong, I love my family but still...
sometimes, i can't seem to take a breather...so there, i made my point.

Now, for my resolutions...not that i'm really serious about keeping them but...it's worth a try.

B - Be True to mySelf - "To thine own self be True" (from some Shakesperian tragedy)
E - Everything can crumble or fall but thine own Self

M - Maybe there is a better way...to Live.
Y - YES to possibilities & Changes first, before saying NO
S - Save for a rainy day, SAVE even for the "sunny" days
E - Everything is as important as I make them out to be...

Your Priorities Rule (first my kids & family &second, career & all the other "stuff" or "issues or non-issues")
L - LOVE is the most powerful drug...LOVE is my cure-all, LOVE is everyone's Salvation

....Love-Love-Love,

love is all u need...

F - FIRST Thine own Self, be true, & Everything else shall follow...
...& another F - Fear Nothing, or Fear - Less.

(* spells out B-E M-Y-S-E-L-F)

(big sigh....Breathing in, breathing out...) Now i feel better.
Now, i can say thank you to the year that is past, & welcome the New Year with Joy, Hope, & Love for mySelf & my family around me, & All...the world....

i'm just sad about the "Tsunami" disaster in Asia, very close to my home - the Philippines,
only a few island-countries like Malaysia & Indonesia may have saved us from getting the same beating from Mother Nature...Oh God, i pray for relief & salvation for those that perished, & those still missing their families & loved ones, & especially those who are now homeless...
(i have absolutely nothing to complain about compared to them, i have petty issues)...sorry for my selfishness sometimes...

& at exactly an hour from now, I will welcome the New Year 2005, full of possibilities of things that have never been, of places I have never been, & people i have never met...or maybe, in some past lives,
here we go again, oh well, i say you can take the soul out of a person, but u can't take the mystic out of the soul...

till next year,
"Happy trails to U,
until we meet again"...

p.s.
i hope that wherever you are,
whoever you may be celebrating with,
you are completely Happy,
& as i sing my "auld lang syne" with my loved ones,
i shall be singing it full of love,
for U too.

"we'll taste the cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne..."
- J

December

i love December!
i love the month when everything happens all at once...
it used to be stressful, now i just love it!
it's the month when 2 of my brothers' have their birthday
it's the month when my dearest little boy was born,
it's the month for Christmas preparations,decorations,
Christmas lights & trees and all;
it's the month for Christmas parties,
finishing projects at work, taking it easy...
it's the time for gift-giving & receiving,
the time for Christmas cards & love letters across the miles,
my Mom's balikbayan boxes full of "stuff"
travelling across the globe to the other side of the family...
a time to remember old friends, acquaintances &
smiling at people u meet while doing mad-shopping together...
like a shopper's camaraderie,

i used to stress out during the holidays,
just because there was so much to do...so little time...
now, i know better, & i just start early...
i'm like the early bird that catches the worm,
& makes lots of time to play with her little chickadees...

maybe it's because my two kids make me see...
all over again,
what there is to anticipate & hope for around Christmas...
even the snow is beautiful,
i don't even mind the cold,
because they love it...
i learned to love playing in the snow,
ice-skating in the park & falling on ice,
that's the only time i don't mind the cold...

i feel so blessed having my two hyper, loud & vivacious kids...

makes me feel like a child again,

pushing me past my tired & weary days,

those nights of trekking in the snowy darkness after work,

& coming home to their ever-so loud demands for attention,

i just have to sigh & laugh out loud,

& say to myself - Hey, that's their expectation...

they can't help it, U must be a Supermom...

& lo and behold i turn around, wear my cape, take off my other mask, & put on my happy face, voila!

& I AM the SuperMom - I gotta deliver on that!

...i'm slowly getting used to this idea of being a "Supermom"

(to the tune of Stevie Wonder's - "baby, wants to be a superwoman...la,la,la..." i wish i know all the words right now)

anyway, what else about the magical month of December???

this is the month when i believe miracles do happen,

sometimes it sneaks up on us, from behind our depression...

obsession about what's lacking & what else is missing in our lives...

sometimes, little miracles happen to show us that we really got what we need already, & ALL that we got is already wonderful...

& what we don't have, maybe we really don't need, for now...

For Now...I am Happy with every little thing i got...

even my issues with hubby,(makes me & him all the more stronger,& have this feisty robust relationship, huh! like 2 ninjas in relationship training!...you'd wonder who's gonna come out on top)

even this pending HUGE relocation plans with no job prospects yet!...i'm not even as worried as my in-laws think i should be...Hey what the heck?!

i've been at some crossroads in my life with not a single map nor compass before & i managed to find my way back to mySelf so...I operate on Faith - yep, hard as it may for some to believe in someone who's gone through a couple bouts of depression...(maybe she's just being manic-& later - her alter ego will show up again... Ms. Deppressive is back in town!)

i still operate on Faith...even during those darkest moments when u feel like you'll never be able to sleep for the 3rd, or 4th or 5th night in a row, wondering how to end it all, this misery of not understanding why you are so darned miserable in the first place??...with all the other less fortunate beings in the world, especially the third world, & the hungry in Africa, & those who have nothing compared to u, & countless guilt tripping nights...

i still, in a very small corner of my heart, in the recesses of my soul, still believed in a Higher Power that was going to help me turn my dark days around...an angel will come out in hiding just to protect me from hurling myself from the top of my office building (all 27 floors of it)...& show me the view from above...metaphorically, it's always happened. I must be blessed.

(one of my favorite films is the original B&W of Wim Wenders "wings of desire" - later, adapted into "City of Angels" Hollywoodized version...still great, with one of my fave songs ...

"in the arms of an angel...fly away from here...from this dark cold hotel room & this emptiness that u feel...")

& my first miracle in December, my son's birth, December 1999...was an experience forever etched in my heart (and immortalized in photos as well)... how he's growing in mind & body & spirit is a continuing miracle...

& of course there was that second miracle of December 2001, (post 9-11-01)

i knew my angels were up to something...after battling with my depression that started in the Spring of 2000, i was still looking for something, something, something... i can't pinpoint...

something missing & those naughty angels, i think they heard my prayers somehow...

in an unpredictable, lightning kind of way...there U were...my very first coach,

whatever you wanna call it, a life coach, a transformation coach...whatever...

i know, in my heart, that my angels sent U to me...even if u don't believe in angels...

even if u think this is all bulls*it, even if u were just doing your job...

being there for me, even if u will never even waste a single thought on me,

believe what u may, as i will continue to believe in mine...

it's always been my Faith that has kept me alive & strong

& happy...i haven't lost my way yet...though maybe i've strayed way too many times,

but...i've always managed to come back Home to the I in I...

so do i believe in making a Leap of Faith this time...

with this big leap to Atlanta without a safety net to catch me... if i fall???

sure, it's good for the soul...i think, & i believe there is this invisible safety net...for those who are only trying to find their way...trying to do good...

nothing would have been discovered or happened in our world without

such leaps & bounds by human-kind...

what was it Kennedy said when the first man landed on the moon??? (was it Kennedy or some other prez?)

"one small step for man, one giant Leap for Mankind..."

well, i can go on & on,

but for now...

i hope U enjoy your December as much as I will...

:) j

i will leave the light on for U...

i wrote u a poem again...yesterday,
i don't know why but u always come to mind around the holidays,
(i'm listening to some country christmas music as i'm writing this...
("i'll be home for Christmas" - Glen Campbell's singing)
... i know it's only Thanskgiving tomorrow...but one follows the other for sure...
so, i think of u a lot around these festive times...
why, maybe because when i met u, it was almost Christmas,
it was December 14, 2001 to be exact,
we met at around 8:30 in the morning
(early huh, & unromantic of course, i was there to attend
a 3 & 1/2 day transformation seminar called the Landmark Forum-
that i have to thank my lucky charms - U were leading...)
& to make a long story short...
i was wowed by U,
your charm & confidence,
your wit & compassion, your wry sense of humor & sarcasm...
well...so much for that.)
anyway, so that's why i still catch myself thinking of U,
(my friends think i developed an obsession for U, maybe,
but what's wrong with that?... i'm no stalker, i believer in giving people their space
as mine is most precious to me...)
but a mild obsession maybe, that i agree,
i mean it's been almost 3 years & i still think of U,
not so intentionally but it just happens, once in a blue moon,
only once in a while, but more so around Christmas,
i remember how u would say in that seminar,
that because of that seminar & everything we were gonna get out of it,
we were gonna have our best Christmas ever...
(those who attended i mean, not we, as in U & me...really, who am i kidding,
there is no U & Me here in this story....
just voices in my head insisting that maybe there is...& my friends would chide me & say,
yup! It sure is only in your head, girl!!! - so what?! i say!)

so i wrote u a poem, it's simple & nothing to brag about to Mom,
just a little poem that came to me as i was having a "blank" moment on the ferry
on my way home,
so here goes...

i will leave the light on for U...
(by: seekerjay)

if ever u should find yourself
questioning Life,
if ever with your sure-footed ways,
u find yourself wavering along your merry days,
wondering what is it all about?
(to the tune of "Alfie")
All this wandering,
all this travelling,
all these purposely-driven days...
of over-reaching agendas & breaking profits,
of meeting & mending people along the way,
of reaching new & higher heights, of bigger goals,
shooting for the moon instead of the stars...
when all this purpose gets you beaten down sometimes
as those days surely come to the best & the rest of us...

when your dogma gets bitten by a sense of Karma...
& some days when u stare at yourself in the mirror
u question where are U really going?
& u start questioning everything,
the loss of innocence in living,
the loss of those simple, good old days,
when what's missing from your life
glares back at you with your charming, sarcastic smile...
(i'm sure this never happens to U, you're "Mister Have-it-All")

but someday, if... it ever happens to U,
just remember...
i will always leave the light on for U,
...If, you find that road less travelled by...
leads down to a narrow winding path
towards my door...
where i have waited for U forever...
& a day,
is just another dream...
of U coming back to me...
remember, i will always leave the light on for U...
& i will always be here,
where U had left me... in some previous life i imagine,
at the front porch singing my songs for a Love...
that i felt from the moment i saw
the glow of love from your eyes,
& how i basked in your light,
& how U brightened my darkest nights
like a distant shining star,
so close to me, yet so far,
so distant, sometimes so cold,
but i can never forget how that light filled my heart,
my Life since the moment i met you...
that Light will stay,
forever,
& a day is just another dream...
a slumber till we meet again,
i will leave the light on for U,
my travelling friend....my shining star...
keep shining!

(merry Christmas Baby!)

4 more years...

i can't believe the last time i blogged i was still in a different world
full of hope & wishfulness for a fresh start
a new leadership...
"help is on the way!"...
but what do we got now???
MORE OF THE SAME!
it was a blow for a lot of folks here in NY,
i'm sure for all those wanting a change in government & the way things are going,
all downhill...it seems,
we can't get a break right now...
4 more years! ( i still can't get over it...)
it took me a little while to get used to the idea,
(i don't think i can ever get used to the idea, i can only pretend it doesn't exist in my merry world)
like i don't have an Emperor with no clothes,
like i'm not one of those blind following the blind....
of more Bush-isms' foreign policy of colonialism...imperialism....
& this WAR for what?!
seems like a war with no end in sight....
it's gotten worse from last week before election to now...
the week after the election results.

so what do we do now?
what do I do now???
i just wake up the following day,
knowing it was a very tight race & for whatever fraud & cheating that might have taken place
there's not much i can do about it...
i'm just a little speck of dust in this never ending parade...called Life,
I can only make my own life better,
change my life for the better,
according to what Gandhi said -
"be the change you want to see in the World..."
how true is that huh?

if we can't change the way things are,
at the very least, we can only change what we don't want in our own little world...
hopefully, maybe,
some of that positive changes will have a ripple effect out into the bigger worlds that we move around in....

if that ripple effect did not happen now in this election...
there's always 4 years from now...
it's not that far- away...
if u think about it....
sad to think, that this war might last that long...
although I pray that it won't...
that we are all kept out of harm's way,
especially my kids, ( if ever in the far-off, distant future they ever bring back the draft)
...i would have no choice but to move to another country....
that's where my loyalty lies...
in the truth of God's/Jesus teachings of the Golden Rule
" to do unto others what you would want others to do unto you"
to Love your neighbors as yourself...& to love even your enemies....
I know it's hard to do,
it's almost blasphemous to think about it being an American
fighting this war out there which was started
or so they say with what happened on 9-11...
but two wrongs does not make one right does it???
- it just perpretrates the evil of war & all this killing of innocent lives
& look at all the destruction?!

i was pretty depressed last week...
i couldn't even find the energy to blog &
congratulate the so-called winners in this race/farce of a game...
but what is there to congratulate & give thanks to?

really, more of the same??
of what we can expect like this week,
into another week of war,
into another month,
into another year...of war,
into what???
4 more years of WAR???
& for what?!

if one can answer me truthfully
with a clear conscience that what we are doing there as a country is good,
i don't mean right? i mean "good" as in abiding by what one believes as Godly
then...by all means i will listen.

But i've heard enough of it,
in the political race-games,
& i'm still hearing about it in the daily news...
the taking over of Fallujah, 10 more american soldiers dead,
a lot wounded, & how many innocent lives destroyed but never mentioned here....
while the Feds are hiking up the rates again a quarter today...
& there are still not a lot of jobs,
& what????
too much to mention...
too tired to try & write them all down.
too pissed off to try to find justification...
too sad, that we can't have any good news,
so if i were you,
i would just turn off the TV news...
& carry on with life like nothing ever happened last week.
be happy with what you got
cause for now,
that's all you really got.
-till then,
don't worry, be happy...
always,
- J

TODAY - Vote or Die

I thought at first that slogan was a bit too strong,
but after some thought & the fact that this is my 3rd attempt at blogging for the day
& it seems something's wrong with the system that my blogs are not appearing,
my first try was probably my fault - in my excitement to blog my views
& run out the door, to get to the polling booths on time,
i must have hit the wrong key.
ha,ha,ha,...
so now, i shld really be getting frustrated,
this shld be my last attempt for the night to blog out,
vent out my frustrations on this election rollercoaster!

(even my little boy is showing signs of getting frustrated...
when i told him that Bush might be winning, & he knows how we feel
in this house abt G.W. - he said to just turn off that TV news!
& my daughter was busy trying to entertain him so i can blog,
isn't she the sweetest - * she told me to write that btw, cause it's TRUE!)
Wow, that's so simple right?
just tune out...
& tune in to yourself...
check in on yourself & know that you did everything you can do
I did my best according to my conscience,
& voted for what i believe in
for the true democracy...
& whatever the outcome now...
Life goes on...for all of us,
we still have to get along - Republicans & Democrats, Independents
& apathetic ones...
it's just another election,
just 4 more years,
let's try to tighten our belts if we have to...

as of now, almost 9pm,
my boy is asking me to read him a book, he's getting so sleepy from all this
built up excitement,
of course he can sense something really important is happening,
we're all talking about it...aren't we?

I just pray now
that our actions will speak louder than our words,
that the voice of the people will carry us through
tomorrow,
we will know who won...
this election,
i hope it doesn't turn out to be another farce,
another game won by the powers who hold the keys
to the presidency...
& i thought that was supposed to be the people?
i'm too idealistic, but it's better than being apathetic,
being apathetic is like being dead while still living,
being a zombie who lives to survive,
i'd rather survive to LIVE Life according to what i truly believe in...
& truth & justice,
democracy & a brighter future for my children are still some things
that i believe in.

so there, i casted my vote for J & J
the light at the end of the tunnel...
after all is said & done,
i can still sleep peacefully at night...
as i read a goodnight's story to my little son...
with hopes for a better future for him, my daughter & all
the kids not just in America, but also around the world...
the world is much bigger than we think
inside this big old U.S. of A...
& they may all be watching this election closely,
but we are the ones living it...
we should be able to change whatever is not working
in our system right now...
We the People...
or it could take a little bit more time,
but we won't know until tomorrow,
or the next day,
or the following months after the election,
or even after the following 4 years....

still,
all i can do is carry on, pray &
wish my little kids the best for their today
& all their tomorrows....
we aren't really voting only for ourselves, are we?

may the best LEADER win,
may he lead us out of this war with the least
casualties & damage to our so-called national budget,
which trickles down to holes in our pockets...
Good luck one & All,
(don't stay up too late, we still have work to do tomorrow...)
- J

more on the eclipse...

what else do u think is affected by our strange cosmic movements recently?

• the night of the total lunar eclipse as the Boston Red Sox & Cardinals were playing...well the game i heard dragged on till late into the night (till around 11:30pm?!) and finally Boston Red Sox won! their so called BabeRuth curse was lifted...who believes in curses anyway? well that was a feat that they've been trying to do for 86 years they say. Wow.
• i sense a strong discontentment that's been brewing among the general masses in NYC & i'm guessing around the country too, the strong middle-class discontent with the status quo to put mildy...about the mistakes made in Iraq, the reasons why we're there, the stolen 300 tons ammunition, while in the homefront we've lost millions of jobs, lost healthcare for a lot of the unemployed, cutbacks on educational & social services for the poor & the disadvantaged...& so on & so forth...i don't want to sound like a politician here so...all i'm saying is, the discontent is palpable, u can almost feel it unless you're numb by ur own comfort level in life.
• so, maybe something will eclipse on NOV. 2...maybe just maybe, something will tip over the scales towards what's right & fair...& John Kerry/John Edwards will win.
• or the extreme case could happen too, not to forget what the other side is capable of doing by any means necessary to tip over the scales towards their side of the fence...votes lost, intentionally registered voters being disqualified & not counted...voting machines not working like the ghost of the "chads"...& other spoofs that u think only happens in cartoons...how the wild, wild west was won! (i just hope this time the indians & cowboys know which side they're on...)
• & last but not least, i've been noticing a lot of homeless people coming out of the woodwork once again in the beautiful Manhattan backdrop...& i wonder, do they always let out the looneys in the streets during the full moon, or is it just budget cuts?! - no answer available, just continue on w/ my wonderment...& pray for these lost souls...
• If, someone who's gonna give us "more of the same" rhetoric & empty promises will win this election, i don't know who's more lost...Us or them?
• maybe this is what the total lunar eclipse is trying to tell us... listen world,
• it's time for a Transformation, a new way of seeing things, from war to healthcare, from the politics of greed to the politics of compassionate leadership...who are the true leader here???

* the emperor with new clothes, or the prince & the pauper... i just love simplifying complex politically-charged situations with my fave. children's stories. cause it ends up that the moral lesson of the story is still - the good will prevail. & i believe there is still a lot of good in all our hearts....no matter how bad the political & societal situation gets....little folks like U & me, carry on....have to keep carrying on with heads held high working with tighter belts but with bright hopes for the future ....

till then, keep our hearts as pure & simple as a child & vote with confidence & a child's faith in all that's good...Good luck & may the best Leader win.

it's about time.... for a Lunar Eclipse of the Heart

i had to laugh at my last blog...what 2 weeks ago now?!
wow, it's been that long since i heard strong voices in my head...
well (sigh)...it's good that i can laugh at bad days like those....

but here i am, with more "stuff"
feeling a little bit more centered and still under the pressures of time & motherhood duties...
(someday, i'll be able to blog all day if i want to, put my feet up & watch the tides
from my beach house window...curtains flowing with the ocean breeze,
take long walks along the shore when i need to get in touch with my sanity once again...)
for now, i wanna do this till about 9pm...it says 8:20 on my PC...

so here goes,
how have i been? i've been mostly busy with family stuff...
getting over another cold, from my little ones of course,
making sure everybody's healthy & getting over their little cold,
also, been busy with my never-ending web researching for
jobs in Atlanta, homes from rentals to foreclosures to...whatever
else seems promising for a future transplant...

Again, sometimes i wonder, when will i ever stop moving?
(right, when i die...) but i've been moving since i was a little kid...
my Dad used to be assigned to a different city/town every year for his job,
and he would pack up his family (my Mom, me & my then 4 brothers...1 additional baby brother came much later on, when we settled down in one place for at least 4 years)...
everything else was 1 year here & the next year another new school, & new friends...
we were living like nomads...you'd think i'd be used to it by now...
maybe i am, & maybe that's why i don't like staying in one place for too long.

i've been living in NYC/& Jersey for almost 17 years now...
17 years, 2 wonderful kids, 2 trying marriages,
3 "real" jobs, a few more temp jobs, in between...
a few boyfriends (before & in between marriages)...nothing serious,
2 "real" best friends,
2 scary breakdowns,
2 amazing recoveries from depression,
17 winters....17 years of the dance of the seasons,
1 fantasy "ideal" love,
1 loyal & loving Mom living with me,
separated from my 1 loving Daddy...
...sometimes, i wonder when will it be my turn,
to turn full circle...
my favorite number is 3...
i think that if Life gives me another chance at LOVE,
3 is IT, what is it they say???
3 strikes and you're OUT!
...well, maybe 3 is my magic number, who knows.

i was watching the total lunar eclipse last night,
from around 10:15pm - to the time i started getting cold in my pajamas & light coat...
it was beautiful just watching how strange the moon looked in it's orange-burnt sienna glow...
with a clear white lining on a quarter of it's side disappearing ever so slowly...
how strange the thought that at that very moment
our planet earth was causing a shadow that blocked the sun's light from
reflecting on our beautiful full moon...
how sad that moon must have felt...
for a few moments to miss the sun's glow...
the moon must have felt really cold
wrapped up in the total darkness of the evening cosmos...
& i stood there, a mere mortal...
feeling what the moon must be feeling if she could feel...
what it's like not to have the reflection of
the Love of her life...lighting up her world...

...it's strange knowing there is something missing

but is it something that i am merely creating for myself

from my blasted past, or is it really something missing???

& when i walked back inside my home,

u wouldnt believe what song was playing on the radio station (Lite FM of course)...

yep, (as if to add insult to injury...)...

Bonnie Raitt's "I can't make U love me, if U don't"

(again, i had to smile inside & sigh at the utter serendipity of each magical moment

given to us by this strangely mystical Universe...

that's why i still believe in angels, some things in Life don't need to be explained.)

i know u can't answer this question...

but why do I love someone who is just an "Ideal",

an Idea, perhaps, of what could be

perfect...

why do i now seek perfection...in an imperfect world???

enough to drive myself crazy...

enough, (sigh)

so i say, it's about time...

for a total Lunar eclipse of the Heart...

p.s.

i just found out from an old friend that this "ideal" of a man i have in my crazy obsessions,

just got married to his girlfriend (who was a single mom too just like me...)

but hey, my best friend had to remind me that I am still married...

I had to laugh when we were talking on the phone this morning,

& as we spoke of where we both are in our lives right now,

as i write this ...I am still very much married in what could be

more like a modern day marriage of convenience...

all i can really do for now is carry on...

the time will come for that lunar eclipse of the heart,

time comes...patience is a virtue.

for now, good night I & I...

keep watching the beautiful mother Moon

& enjoy the love between our Sun and the Moon...

it's there for all star-crossed lovers to witness.

:) j

having a bad day

...ever had one of those bad days where ur only halfway thru
ur morning & already u know it's BAD...
& ur wondering to urself can it get any worse than it is already?
well, tell me if this isn't a bad day or what...

last night my daughter was complaining of stomach pains
& it really scared me, we almost had to rush her to the all-hours HIP clinic
but i gave her some medicine that could help her sleep & after a few minutes
she lied down
& rested & i stayed by her side until she fell asleep...
so thank God it was nothing serious, i was afraid it was an appendicitis attack
(cause i had one of those & i thought the symptoms were almost the same...but it's not)

so, i woke up today not feeling very well-rested,
my daughter was feeling much better & decided she can go to school...
that was good...
until my hubby started glaring at me for something i said to him last night...
(he was still harboring some ill feelings apparently...when i told him why don't he sleep earlier instead of being so obsessed with his guitar-playing & then complain to me about how our son wakes him up early the following day?!...that's all! i hate how he can sleep on bad feelings & carry it over to the following morning! what's up with that?! )
i mean, can't we start fresh every morning? it's a new day isn't it?

& today, it was over some petty things...
i just reminded him that our son don't have any more juice pack to bring to school,
(which was in the grocery list that he intentionally forgets to bring when it's his turn to do grocery...) his excuse this time was,
he wasn't finished doing his grocery yet...
(what?! he wants to go to the grocery twice instead of just once, when he really hates to do grocery?!
i don't get it. )
So, he had to run out to the corner store & get a juice pack & milk too -
at more expensive deli prices...
then he comes out & lashes at me that i've been attacking him since last night!
(yep! those were his exact words...go figure)...
By reminding him of things that he already should know (as a "parent"), & hopefully do as part of his responsibilities, he thinks i'm attacking him!
So i told him, it's all in the way he takes it.
If he takes my reminders as harsh criticisms & thinks i'm on the offensive,
THAT is HIS problem... cause i didn't intend it that way.
only that if i don't remind him, things will just be forgotten & all we will hear are his & my complaints....rackets, rackets, & more rackets.

so, we both rushed to our morning,
he dropped off our son to school,
my daughter wished everyone goodbye as sweetly as she is,
my Mom hides out in her room to avoid any further friction in the house,
& i run to my bus stop...
& guess who greets me at the foot of the stairs on my way out?!
- Yep, my mother-in-law...
she just happens to be awake so early today
& must have heard our little exchange of words,
& wanted to see how my daughter is feeling today & maybe put her 2cents in...
...( it was enough for me not to sprint out of there to the bus stop like a woman running a marathon!)

(& that was only 7:45 am. :)

next stop, my office.
at around 10:00 this morning, my EX-hubby (my daughter's Daddy) calls to tell me he wants to take her around November for a week's vacation to Indiana to visit his uncle's family.
(Fine, i knew this was coming sometime ago, but i thought it wasn't happening anymore.
U don't know my Ex-husband, nothing is for certain with this guy...everything is just let's see what happens & we'll save our reactions till then...he can just change his plans as easily as the wind blows... )
Well, as i wasn't in the best moods already, i tried to hear him out.
I asked him what if our daughter doesn't want to go with them?
what if she doesn't want to miss any more school days than she has to,
(cause they already have plans to go back to the Philippines for a vacation in January 2005- & that i had agreed to.)
But hey, he had to give me this "attitude" that it doesn't matter what i think,
or what my daughter says, nothing really matters except his decision that's already made up! Can u believe it???
I had to roll up my eyes, instead of banging the phone down to his ears, & pray to God for some patience...
But patience i couldn't find & a little argument ensues....(my second for today, i'm doing really good, didn't i tell U?)
it's a good thing there's hardly anyone in the office today
- my boss is out on a seminar all day, & well i probably raised my voice once or twice...
when my ex started ranting on about how he doesn't care about our public school system anyway,
& that the family is the most important thing over school,
& how my daughter's school is not important & this & that...
(sigh)
which brought us back to the perennial argument of whether each one of us have been able to use our hard-won college degrees (his is a B.A. from NYU & mine a B.A. from the University of the Philippines - which i happen to be proud of! Thank U!)
But NO, he had to put down my education & ask how am i really using my college degree now?! (just because he didn't want to put his own education to good use! he had to try & step all over mine!)
...& to top it off, he had the nerve to tell me that is this my way of using my education
- by learning how to type?!
THAT broke the ICE for me, the ungrateful disrespectful EX that he is, & again i realize how it was that i had to break off my mistake of a marriage to this guy...
(another sigh...then enough is enough & i had to tell him off!)
..i said, that i don't have time here at work to listen to him complaining about everything including the U.S. school system! ( cause if he can't change it right now, where we are at this point in our lives, then why not work with it? that's my philosophy)
NO, not him, my EX thinks he's Mister High & Mighty & too good for this system, that if it doesn't work for him, he just won't deal with it & just leave it & maybe try to make his own system...which in philosophy may be nice & idealistic but in reality really stooopid!!!
when u don't know the first thing about changing the system! Why then didn't he become a teacher! I mean what the hell does he want from me?! not put my daughter through school,
or home-school her when i have to work full-time to earn a living since he doesn't have to give me any child support (cause he also doesn't go by the court system! Thank God i haven't brought him up to court again...cause i just don't want to deal with all that fighting over money, i'd rather maintain my friendship with my EX for the sake of my daughter...but sometimes...)
God, give me a f-&$&^@#! break.
The reason why single-Moms or even remarried-Moms have to work twice as hard is because of these ungrateful fathers,
who want to shun the system that they themselves have turned their backs on because they're either too lazy or too damned proud to work with it...for the sake of what?! their freaking philosophies!
Dammit, i'm so sick of philosophizing, finger-pointers who don't even have their two feet planted firmly on the ground.
...to make a long morning short! i just told him off & if he wants to discuss this further he will have to call me at home tonight (not at work!)...
& SO, I HUNG UP THE PHONE ON HIS PATHETIC WHINY EARS!
(& that felt good!)

I'm sorry if i sound whiny to U too, but i just need to VENT.
there are days like this in my life,
& there are good, nothing-can-go-wrong days...
usually i am on good terms with my EX,
& also with my hubby....although sometimes we're more like "friends with benefits"
but there will always be days like this...
& then i wonder to myself...
with all the so-called "baby-Daddy-DRAMA" that surrounds me,
what must i do to change my Life
& make it better???
cause God knows, this is not how i want it to be.
It's got to be better than this.
(maybe, single-motherhood can be bliss...)
all i ask for now is, i hope my day turns out better.
:) Jay

my autumn leaf

just wanted to write about this season...& all it's wonders....

Autumn is almost here!
u can tell from the cool, crisp air & my dry skin...
i love the fall season but i don't like when my skin & lips start chapping so bad,
& my allergies start again...first in the Spring then Fall...
but i try not to pay attention to that.
what i love most is the changing of colors around me
the leaves change into these glorious earthy hues & they're my favorite colors -
burnt sienna, bright golden yellows & fuschia-reds & rustic browns...
when i stare out the bus window every morning
it also gives me the distinct feeling that change is coming...
Fall is all about changes.
i think our bodies start adjusting to the cold weather this time
& so i tend to eat more, sleep more...want to do less...
& sometimes i catch a cold, jsut like my kids
& take some sick days just to take care of myself
& sometimes them when they get sick,
& drink lots of teas & sleep all day...
also, i start becoming more introspective,
it's the season for looking inside one's Self &
checking in on what "stuff" need to be LET GO of...
u know, kinda like spring cleaning but more on the spiritual side...
it coincides with the time i change my wardrobe from summer to fall
& then into winter...
so i start thinking of warmer clothes,
the soft plush sweaters & long down coats & comforters that protect me from the cold...
& i also start thinking of protecting my inner self from whatever dark thoughts
or whatever dark moods might come my way...
i notice that about myself... (& other people too, i guess)
i get more moody in the winter...
So i got the whole autumn to prepare & strengthen myself...
i started taking Yoga classes again, that always helps,
then i am planning a mini weekend get-away from the city...
anywhere not so expensive, maybe Mystic, CT again...
with my family, around the christmas holidays,
just to feel some old-time country sort of festivities,
like i wish i could hear some carollers,
i miss that from when i was a kid growing up,
i used to go carolling a lot with my church chorus
...I just love Christmas songs!
it makes your heart glow...& i get teary eyed sometimes...
& a fireplace during christmas would be nice too...

so, i really love Autumn with all its wind & rain & falling leaves,
Mother nature has a way of preparing us for what winter has in store for us...
& i love that it signifies the coming of the holy-days...
thanksgiving, Christmas & the New Year.

* i got one little story to share about my boy...
one afternoon we were driving with the kids in our van (to do some errands),
all of a sudden he said " Daddy, stop the car now!"
since we were on a highway, he couldn't just stop the car so
we asked him, why Diego?
what he said really blew me away...
he said, "cause i want to get a leaf to give to Mommy..."
he is just the sweetest kid...
he must've remembered all those times that we would pick up leaves
that we like from the ground & inspect them & choose our favorites
to bring home & make into our autumn art on the walls or desks or
bookmarkers...
he remembers how much i love them...&
somehow i'm really happy we've instilled this love & respect of nature in our kids too...
it totally made my day...
even if we couldn't stop the car to pick up some leaves then,
i squeezed his hand & said "thanks for being so sweet my boy!"

( i can only wish that when he grows up, he won't lose this sweet innocence,
this sensitivity to little things that we mothers & women adore...but that's probably wishful thinking)


p.s.
i wanted to write more, next time i will write about:
3) watching Manhattan fade away from view (on my commute home on the ferry)
4) the final debate Kerry vs.Bush tonight (Kerry wins of course.)
5) my new fave shows on tv - desperate housewives, lost, & the apprentice, Extreme makeover home edition (because of Ty - my crush)

6) what else, thinking of U once in a while...once too often...
song for U -"i can't make u love me" by Bonnie Raitt

quiet thoughts...

(4:30 pm at the ofc.)

not much to do around here,
so I BLOG...
still sticking to my "less is more" style of blogging,
maybe even less commas
or punctuations?...
but don't we all need to pause sometimes?

well, my weekend with the family was great...
we watched "Shark Tale"
with our little boy who sat at the edge of his booster-seat,
in awe at all that wonderful animation & grooving with the music...
cartoons has got to be my favorite type of movie nowadays...
i loved Robert de Niro with his typecasted character...what else can he be
but a Godfather?! fuggedaboudit!
i also love the character of Angie - renee zellweger's voice is so cute,
& also that shark who wants to be a dolphin, jack black - real cute,
my little boy's favorite is the little fish of course, will smith!
he's too cool for school!
- i don't know what i enjoy more,
watching my little boy get a kick & lol at the movie
or the movie itself...
i think my son is the cutest of all!
he is such a natural, such a ham!

well, whatelse is new?
not much really...
been doing some planning for our relocation next year...
i did my packing organizer list, by room, then by different categories,
big items like furnitures which we won't be bringing a lot of,
medium items, like kitchen stuff, computers, desks & chairs,
& smaller items, but essentials like clothes for the season, & others to be packed
in storage boxes, what else?
getting rid of knick-knacks ( i dont even know where all these come from???) & clutter,
if there is ONE thing i hate the most....it's CLUTTER!
I HATE CLUTTER!
so i try to figure out a way to be more organized,
not to bring any clutter at all, if possible,
so i'm making a bunch of lists,
- what to bring, what to throw away, & what to give-away to charity...

I did a little house-window-shopping online,
i'm afraid these houses that are within my budget only look good online,
once i step into the location, the "hood" - i don't really know what i'll find...
what elements are lurking behind the "nice house in a 'good' school" area...
but there's no harm in doing early research,
as long as i don't daydream about these houses all day long,
as i might just be putting my hopes up too high.

& i was supposed to go to a friend's party (sort of a wishing-well, going away event)
kinda like a "crossroads" party where friends of my friend will sit & catch up
& chat about the latest happenings in my friend's very interesting life...
he sort of quit/got his position dissolved for a good severance package,
& now is just planning to bum around for a few months to a year i guess,
(some people are so lucky!)
& travel around the world, maybe Tibet or somewhere in Asia...
(something i would love to do, when i get a chance to get off this treadmill i'm on)...
- he's one of my best friends, one of the few i have left,
that hasn't given up on me after my bouts of hibernation/due to depression...
But again, i didn't make it to his party...
oh well, he's probably used to me by now.
I'm just not a party animal anymore... used to love it once in a while,
meeting new people, schmoozing & boozing (though i don't really drink, a half-glass of
beer/ or wine makes me tipsy & red... so, so much for boozing!)
can't hold it in my system...
i guess i've changed ever since a became a Mom for the second time...
i used to party or hang out more in the city when i was just
a first time Mom, then again i was also enjoying my new-found freedom
of being a single-mom...at that time.
now, i'm married & with strings attached (i'd say loose strings, ha, ha, ha)
i prefer the solitude of my suburban pad on the weekends,
enjoying the "quiet" comforts of raising my little boy
who wreaks havoc on my energy level,
i'm up with him and after a few rounds of playing games,
i'm down, knocked out...& his batteries are still running...
sometimes though, with the help of his Daddy,
taking turns to play soldier or car-crashing games,
all of a sudden his eyes start getting droopy &
he'd put his hand in his favorite pillow (his security blanket)
& doze off...then & only then,
my private time for myself starts
then i can enjoy my little quiet moments...
i can watch him sleep for an hour without tiring,
(why do kids look like angels when they're sleeping,
& little terrors once they're up & running???)
well, that's my weekend partying with my little boy...
when i hear his squels of delight at his own made-up games,
& watch him become the commander in chief,
the ruler of his minions of hot wheeling cars,
i just can't trade it for the world...
& even if he empties my cup...all the time,
so does he make it overflow with love...
the little comforts of my weekend with him,
are so special because i know they're only fleeting,
only for a moment - will he be a toddler,
then before i can catch up with everything that's going on around us...
he'll be a grown little man, who doesn't want his Mommy being sweet to him in public,
I enjoy what i can now cause he's the sweetest thing,
& maybe he'll change because they all do on the road to independence,
& maybe he'll forget how sweet he was to his Mommy, but maybe he won't...
at least now, i'm making the most out of all the hugs & kisses,
those butterfly kisses blown in the air & caught in his cute little hands,
& those sneezes right smack on my face,
& squeals of laughter followed by the pitter-patter of running footsteps
all over our little house,
i wouldn't trade it for a bigger house, at least not right now...
the closeness we have in our encroached spaces,
force us to be in-ur-face closely knit...
sometimes when it gets a bit much like getting cabin fever in the winter,
i just go running,
or lock myself in my room for a few hours, maybe the whole night...
& indulge in some quiet thinking...

p.s.
of course, U come into my mind,
i even wonder sometimes, what it would be like,
if we have a baby - yours & mine,
what a gift he/she would be,
that baby would have both U & me...how awesome would that be?
(sigh) but then again reality,
i would be too old by the time we even get lucky
to see each other again...who knows when that will be...
& what kinds of stories of dragons in our lives we have to slay...
before a little good night's kiss...
can lead to a hug, or a dance maybe,
at the age of sixty???

ha,ha,ha...till then U will always be with Me.

on "Working Moms"...

"working Moms" - isn't that a redundancy??
i don't know of any Mom who doesn't work,
even stay-at-home moms have lots & lots of work to do...they say sometimes even more...
& how about us, the double-working moms...the SuperMoms who have to put in a lot of overtime without pay...

it's 4:30 pm, my day is almost over here in the ofc., & i'm off to my other full-time job...
catch the ferry, then the local bus (that's about an hour)
walk 15 minutes to finally get home,
kick off my shoes, wash my hands & face,
change into my house clothes,
check on the kids, kiss & hug, see if they're ok and all that,
check what's for dinner, see if there's any good leftovers,
say hi to the hubby, see if he's ok, hugs,
& more hugs if he prepared dinner already :)
ask if the kids did their homework
& note to self to check on that later...
rest a bit, maybe,
then start the ball rolling for dinner & some evening quality time
with the family...
sometimes, not even anytime to put my feet up & relax...

anyway, tonight might even be worse than that...
my son's school nurse called to say that my son
seems to have some rashes around his neck,
are they allergies or bug bites, they can't tell...
& they can't give him any medicine, they're not legally allowed to...
but they sent him home with a note for me to take him to the doctor.
before he can go back to school tomorrow i guess...
anyway, thank God my Mom is home, lives with us,
& can take care of him & my daughter after school,
or i wouldn't be able to work...& we'd be in the "poorhouse"

so, when i get home tonight,
i have to drive my son to the 24 hr.- HIP clinic in my neighborhood,
see what's wrong with him if anything,
& take it from there.
after that, dinner? that would be nice...
then check what else needs to be checked,
my daughter's homework, clean up around the house a little bit...
i wanted to do my nails today (i do my own manicure, i don't like pedicures,
cause i can't stand the smell inside a nail salon...the enclosed chemical fumesl drive me nuts!)
so, when i want my nails to look prettier than usual,
i put on a little polish w/ some light colors like pink, or tan or pearly white...
that's all, i never use red or those dark colors that make the nails look a little "witchy"...

maybe i'll treat myself to a nail-polishing session while listening to some music...
to relax...but i also want to catch that first Kerry-Bush Presidential debate on tv tonight,
(that might be upsetting... )
then Yoga maybe?
that's being too ambitious now...
maybe tomorrow...
Thank God, my angels,
& all my kids' angels that there is always tomorrow.
:) another day, to do this "working Mom" thing all over again,
till i become an expert at it...i'm getting there.

but hey, it's another beautiful sunrise,
& before u know it,
here comes another weekend...
voila, we've made it through another week!
Hooray for all working MOMS!!!
till then,
stay strong & centered...

i promise to blog today :)

today i'm just trying to organize my thoughts,
i want to try a different style of blogging...
like i want to just state facts, just what IS...
without being too wordy, which i can be,
& i want to be careful with my ranting on & on...
i know this is a free site, but that doesnt give me license to just rant & rave on & on...like there's no tomorrow! *(but, isnt' that what u intended this blog to be for anyway???)
this time, i just want my blog to be less
of what my interpretations are to events in my life
and more - of what really is...what really happened or is happening,
then again the question becomes
what's real to me?
...it's a matter of perception, it gets really subjective doesn't it?...so don't go there.
so, to state only the facts
* (without trying to be too emotional or reactionary)
It will be good exercise for my very busy mind...
i want to be centered...that's what i want.
I want this blog to reflect that i am on my way to finding that center...
that balance.

so- off to my new adventure in blogging...later on...
i will come back & write just what's so...
for me, for today,
for now...
no more dwelling in the murky hidden, yucky past...& all its multidimensional
interpretational yuckisms.... i'm so through with all that drama.
Next time around my friend, you will read me as...
the one who is centered...
the one who knows what she's blogging about,
the one who won't waste your time & my time for that matter
with unnecessary words & meaningless self-chatter
(*but isn't that what this blog was originally intended for???)
- ok, i hear U... u unstoppable voices!
just go ahead, try to be quiet...
for a second, for a few moments,
while i think
& Blog myself out of here...

till then...ommm....

the seeker ;)

after a little silence

it was a little frustrating that i couldn't blog at my work.
there was so much to tell about my nice weekend with the family in Mystic,CT - & all there is to see in Mystic Seaport. but i just had to write in my regular desktop journal (not to be able to share with U)...bummer. i hate when i just get stuck with some stupid technical difficulties...i'm not a techie head & i just couldn't find a way to get my textbox unstuck so i could blog again - maybe i was a target for some stupid spamming & they locked my windows keys somehow...whatever! those Spammers have nothing better to do!
i'm mad at them...sometimes i find more creative moments at work cause there's not a lot of distractions.
now i'm at home, it's Sunday & i don't got a lot of free time...as usual it's a day for chores & stuff. my hubby & kids are planning to go to the movies today - matinee. i plan to do laundry...& probably do some cleaning up around the house, cook dinner & voila, a whole Sunday is gone!
of course i gotta put in some time to play with my kids too...

but for now, i need a little time for myself...i don't know why my CD player on this PC doesn't want to play anything either!? (sigh) can;t even listen to music...is this gonna be a bad day or what??!
No, i'm not gonna let it turn out bad. it's a beautiful cool day outside too...sunny but cool. i can feel the changing of the seasons...

my hubby's still sleeping, it's 10:30 in the morning - he likes to sleep in on the weekends. i'm always the eary bird, i wake up with my little boy who is another early bird, & my little girl...
i think kids' body clocks are tuned to nature so they wake up early with or without the alarm clock. & i just got trained to their clock so...

anyway, not much to say here. just happy that i am able to blog even a little bit. I got some new books to read : "The LIfe of Pi" (which is supposed to be really good & i liked the plot) & i got 2 books for my daughter too that she ordered - "one of those hideous books where the mother dies" & "stop pretending" (by Sonya Sones) it's really interesting, i was reading it a little bit & she wants me to read them too after she's done. we exchange books to read now that she's 12 turning 13 - she can understand some of my not so heavy reading too. "stop pretending" is very interesting, it's about what happened to the author & her family when her big sister got really sick & had to go into the psych. ward....Hmm, sounds familiar. i'm sure it is quite an experience. quite a ride...i've been there, recovered from it & yet haven't quite fully addressed it in my writings...maybe i'm just afraid to be judged by normal people...as crazy. but really, who's to say what's normal & what's crazy anyway...we're all crazy in one way or another...some are just more extreme, some, because of some chemical imbalance of the brains, or emotionally traumatic events, just go off over the deep end...& that's what happened to me...
i wrote a lot during that time, but none so understandable to anyone but me or someone who's been through the deep end & came back whole & sane....maybe that's why i havent written about it...i;'m still grappling with my experiences at that time, the visions, the "voices", my family's fears about our future, my future now, it's weird...it's a strange thing to think about the future when one remembers that time, that walk on the wild side...

...I longed for silence at that time, i had a long relief of going back to monotony & my regular routine then...i was thankful for that... i didn't want big changes, i was just happy to be able to sleep peacefully at night & wake up rested & able to get dressed without spending an hour trying to decide what to wear, black, gray, or black & gray...it became a uniform...
...i was just thankful to have none of those stupid anxieties about nothing really, little things of how i can get back to "normal" - when normal can be comforting...& the days seem all the same...& i didnt really plan much for the weekends...that was my hubby's responsibility at that time, he had to think of things to get my mind off things, he had to find ways to get me out of the house & enjoy myself even a little bit. He is a good guy for trying & doing his best. that's why it's so tough to think of leaving him...again...cause i was planning that just before i had my little "episode"... my nervous breakdown...

Life is strange indeed. & now i'm so much better...
time to think of changes again...
Fall is coming, the leaves are changing, the air is getting colder,
day by day, progressively colder,
& soon it will be Winter, another cruel, unrelenting New York City winter,
my season of discontent,
my most dreaded enemy-
when there's not enough light
during the day, & not enough light when i wake up in the morning...
& the cold gets to my bones no matter how much clothes i wear,
i pray that it won't be so bad this year...
that i can handle another winter...
before our planned move to Georgia early next year,
where its much milder, no trudging in the snow & slipping on ice...
another reason why we want to move,
for mental health reasons,
so hopefully i won't get depressed again...
nobody likes it when somebody is depressed,
no one's happy, everybody's trying to get by,
everybody's trying to make u happy,
it's so sad...
& u see right through them,
& you know they're just being good & doing their best,
& still nothing matters,
& U still feel low,
& so u continue to take ur meds ...
even if it might have made u want to jump off your office building
or over the ferry... for a couple of weeks or so...
so u continue to take ur meds....
anything as long as it may work...
St. John's Worts did not work before did it?
or only worked for a few months...& then wham!
U got depressed again!
at the time when U were feeling so strong, so confident too...
that's why the doctor said U might be manic-depressive, bi-polar!
But am I really???
or am i just weird, different,
or my brain chemistries just goes out of whack in times of stress or distress???
like that song i hear on the radio constantly...it gets annoying sometimes...
but it's good...

"i'm not crazy. i'm just a little unwell... sometimes,
so stay a while maybe then you'll see,
a different side of me..."

as usual,
Time is my best friend,
only Time will tell...only time can tell really.

i pray to my angels every night to keep me sane & bright,
to keep that light on for me...
in times of darkness...

& i pray for U too...to someday find me...
strong & bright,
a light in the dark, shining bright.

always,
the seeker...