after a little silence

it was a little frustrating that i couldn't blog at my work.
there was so much to tell about my nice weekend with the family in Mystic,CT - & all there is to see in Mystic Seaport. but i just had to write in my regular desktop journal (not to be able to share with U)...bummer. i hate when i just get stuck with some stupid technical difficulties...i'm not a techie head & i just couldn't find a way to get my textbox unstuck so i could blog again - maybe i was a target for some stupid spamming & they locked my windows keys somehow...whatever! those Spammers have nothing better to do!
i'm mad at them...sometimes i find more creative moments at work cause there's not a lot of distractions.
now i'm at home, it's Sunday & i don't got a lot of free time...as usual it's a day for chores & stuff. my hubby & kids are planning to go to the movies today - matinee. i plan to do laundry...& probably do some cleaning up around the house, cook dinner & voila, a whole Sunday is gone!
of course i gotta put in some time to play with my kids too...

but for now, i need a little time for myself...i don't know why my CD player on this PC doesn't want to play anything either!? (sigh) can;t even listen to music...is this gonna be a bad day or what??!
No, i'm not gonna let it turn out bad. it's a beautiful cool day outside too...sunny but cool. i can feel the changing of the seasons...

my hubby's still sleeping, it's 10:30 in the morning - he likes to sleep in on the weekends. i'm always the eary bird, i wake up with my little boy who is another early bird, & my little girl...
i think kids' body clocks are tuned to nature so they wake up early with or without the alarm clock. & i just got trained to their clock so...

anyway, not much to say here. just happy that i am able to blog even a little bit. I got some new books to read : "The LIfe of Pi" (which is supposed to be really good & i liked the plot) & i got 2 books for my daughter too that she ordered - "one of those hideous books where the mother dies" & "stop pretending" (by Sonya Sones) it's really interesting, i was reading it a little bit & she wants me to read them too after she's done. we exchange books to read now that she's 12 turning 13 - she can understand some of my not so heavy reading too. "stop pretending" is very interesting, it's about what happened to the author & her family when her big sister got really sick & had to go into the psych. ward....Hmm, sounds familiar. i'm sure it is quite an experience. quite a ride...i've been there, recovered from it & yet haven't quite fully addressed it in my writings...maybe i'm just afraid to be judged by normal people...as crazy. but really, who's to say what's normal & what's crazy anyway...we're all crazy in one way or another...some are just more extreme, some, because of some chemical imbalance of the brains, or emotionally traumatic events, just go off over the deep end...& that's what happened to me...
i wrote a lot during that time, but none so understandable to anyone but me or someone who's been through the deep end & came back whole & sane....maybe that's why i havent written about it...i;'m still grappling with my experiences at that time, the visions, the "voices", my family's fears about our future, my future now, it's weird...it's a strange thing to think about the future when one remembers that time, that walk on the wild side...

...I longed for silence at that time, i had a long relief of going back to monotony & my regular routine then...i was thankful for that... i didn't want big changes, i was just happy to be able to sleep peacefully at night & wake up rested & able to get dressed without spending an hour trying to decide what to wear, black, gray, or black & gray...it became a uniform...
...i was just thankful to have none of those stupid anxieties about nothing really, little things of how i can get back to "normal" - when normal can be comforting...& the days seem all the same...& i didnt really plan much for the weekends...that was my hubby's responsibility at that time, he had to think of things to get my mind off things, he had to find ways to get me out of the house & enjoy myself even a little bit. He is a good guy for trying & doing his best. that's why it's so tough to think of leaving him...again...cause i was planning that just before i had my little "episode"... my nervous breakdown...

Life is strange indeed. & now i'm so much better...
time to think of changes again...
Fall is coming, the leaves are changing, the air is getting colder,
day by day, progressively colder,
& soon it will be Winter, another cruel, unrelenting New York City winter,
my season of discontent,
my most dreaded enemy-
when there's not enough light
during the day, & not enough light when i wake up in the morning...
& the cold gets to my bones no matter how much clothes i wear,
i pray that it won't be so bad this year...
that i can handle another winter...
before our planned move to Georgia early next year,
where its much milder, no trudging in the snow & slipping on ice...
another reason why we want to move,
for mental health reasons,
so hopefully i won't get depressed again...
nobody likes it when somebody is depressed,
no one's happy, everybody's trying to get by,
everybody's trying to make u happy,
it's so sad...
& u see right through them,
& you know they're just being good & doing their best,
& still nothing matters,
& U still feel low,
& so u continue to take ur meds ...
even if it might have made u want to jump off your office building
or over the ferry... for a couple of weeks or so...
so u continue to take ur meds....
anything as long as it may work...
St. John's Worts did not work before did it?
or only worked for a few months...& then wham!
U got depressed again!
at the time when U were feeling so strong, so confident too...
that's why the doctor said U might be manic-depressive, bi-polar!
But am I really???
or am i just weird, different,
or my brain chemistries just goes out of whack in times of stress or distress???
like that song i hear on the radio constantly...it gets annoying sometimes...
but it's good...

"i'm not crazy. i'm just a little unwell... sometimes,
so stay a while maybe then you'll see,
a different side of me..."

as usual,
Time is my best friend,
only Time will tell...only time can tell really.

i pray to my angels every night to keep me sane & bright,
to keep that light on for me...
in times of darkness...

& i pray for U too...to someday find me...
strong & bright,
a light in the dark, shining bright.

always,
the seeker...