wow, it's been that long since i heard strong voices in my head...
well (sigh)...it's good that i can laugh at bad days like those....
but here i am, with more "stuff"
feeling a little bit more centered and still under the pressures of time & motherhood duties...
(someday, i'll be able to blog all day if i want to, put my feet up & watch the tides
from my beach house window...curtains flowing with the ocean breeze,
take long walks along the shore when i need to get in touch with my sanity once again...)
for now, i wanna do this till about 9pm...it says 8:20 on my PC...
so here goes,
how have i been? i've been mostly busy with family stuff...
getting over another cold, from my little ones of course,
making sure everybody's healthy & getting over their little cold,
also, been busy with my never-ending web researching for
jobs in Atlanta, homes from rentals to foreclosures to...whatever
else seems promising for a future transplant...
Again, sometimes i wonder, when will i ever stop moving?
(right, when i die...) but i've been moving since i was a little kid...
my Dad used to be assigned to a different city/town every year for his job,
and he would pack up his family (my Mom, me & my then 4 brothers...1 additional baby brother came much later on, when we settled down in one place for at least 4 years)...
everything else was 1 year here & the next year another new school, & new friends...
we were living like nomads...you'd think i'd be used to it by now...
maybe i am, & maybe that's why i don't like staying in one place for too long.
i've been living in NYC/& Jersey for almost 17 years now...
17 years, 2 wonderful kids, 2 trying marriages,
3 "real" jobs, a few more temp jobs, in between...
a few boyfriends (before & in between marriages)...nothing serious,
2 "real" best friends,
2 scary breakdowns,
2 amazing recoveries from depression,
17 winters....17 years of the dance of the seasons,
1 fantasy "ideal" love,
1 loyal & loving Mom living with me,
separated from my 1 loving Daddy...
...sometimes, i wonder when will it be my turn,
to turn full circle...
my favorite number is 3...
i think that if Life gives me another chance at LOVE,
3 is IT, what is it they say???
3 strikes and you're OUT!
...well, maybe 3 is my magic number, who knows.
i was watching the total lunar eclipse last night,
from around 10:15pm - to the time i started getting cold in my pajamas & light coat...
it was beautiful just watching how strange the moon looked in it's orange-burnt sienna glow...
with a clear white lining on a quarter of it's side disappearing ever so slowly...
how strange the thought that at that very moment
our planet earth was causing a shadow that blocked the sun's light from
reflecting on our beautiful full moon...
how sad that moon must have felt...
for a few moments to miss the sun's glow...
the moon must have felt really cold
wrapped up in the total darkness of the evening cosmos...
& i stood there, a mere mortal...
feeling what the moon must be feeling if she could feel...
what it's like not to have the reflection of
the Love of her life...lighting up her world...
...it's strange knowing there is something missing
but is it something that i am merely creating for myself
from my blasted past, or is it really something missing???
& when i walked back inside my home,
u wouldnt believe what song was playing on the radio station (Lite FM of course)...
yep, (as if to add insult to injury...)...
Bonnie Raitt's "I can't make U love me, if U don't"
(again, i had to smile inside & sigh at the utter serendipity of each magical moment
given to us by this strangely mystical Universe...
that's why i still believe in angels, some things in Life don't need to be explained.)
i know u can't answer this question...
but why do I love someone who is just an "Ideal",
an Idea, perhaps, of what could be
perfect...
why do i now seek perfection...in an imperfect world???
enough to drive myself crazy...
enough, (sigh)
so i say, it's about time...
for a total Lunar eclipse of the Heart...
p.s.
i just found out from an old friend that this "ideal" of a man i have in my crazy obsessions,
just got married to his girlfriend (who was a single mom too just like me...)
but hey, my best friend had to remind me that I am still married...
I had to laugh when we were talking on the phone this morning,
& as we spoke of where we both are in our lives right now,
as i write this ...I am still very much married in what could be
more like a modern day marriage of convenience...
all i can really do for now is carry on...
the time will come for that lunar eclipse of the heart,
time comes...patience is a virtue.
for now, good night I & I...
keep watching the beautiful mother Moon
& enjoy the love between our Sun and the Moon...
it's there for all star-crossed lovers to witness.
:) j
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