i got this idea from reading an article, "Stuck in Sadness" by H. E. Marano - Editor of Psychology Today, (... i get email newsletters from them)...it's good reading, & one that i, as a busy, obsessive-compulsive working mother can really relate to...
it's so true, how men & women are so different in the way we deal with negativity...altho. it also depends on how a man was brought up & how his life experiences formed his beliefs in life later on...it depends, cause a lot of guys have some pretty excessive baggages too...just like me, just like my husband...
so, i was just thinking...IF i were to paint a picture of our house & our "emotional baggages" living around us in this house, hiding behind it's nooks & crannies, always ready to surprise with it's sudden appearance or disappearance... what kind of a home would it be???
this is how i picture it...
(to be continued later tonight, i hope)
this is how it wud look like...
as soon as u walk into our door (my husband's & my home)
there are a bunch of really old, outdated suitcases
hanging around our welcome mat...
with travel stickers from homes past,
past lives when we were still kids in the Philippines...
& souvenirs from dishevelled lives of fresh FOB transplants
to New York for him, & to NY-via- LA & Jersey City for me...
then as u walk down the narrow hallway into the living room
you'll find lots of photos, black & white, sepia, some in gold frames,
some in color....of smiling kids,
baby photos of everyone in the family, childhood summer days,
& further more, color photos of more recent happier days -
vacations in Florida,
Spain, Paris, California...
...as u walk into our living room,
you'll notice ethnic-inspired arts & crafts,
some wooden sculptures & Buddha statues - mostly mine,
& some tapestry on the wall (his)
a worn-out well used guitar from his teens,
an acoustic classical & folk guitars in their sturdy cases (his & mine)
a Fender Telecaster that used to be his baby,
& his new baby - a GIBSON LES PAUL - classic model (the kind that Pros like Eric Clapton use)
& you'll probably see a really old upright piano that needs reconditioning (my Mom's)
& a makeshift playroom for Diego's toys & stuff,
a couple of small to medium-size fire engines,
a Fire Station, some little toy soldiers & a lot of GI Joes,
rescue heroes of all sorts, & all kinds of Disney play toys in all shapes & condition,
& you'll see his drawing table
full of broken & new crayons, writing pads, doodled pages of papers,
collected for future scrapbooking,
what else?
(what else can possibly fit into one small living room??)
then you'll notice two separate bedrooms,
one his & Diego's,
& one - mine shared with my daughter,
on each bedroom wall a movie will be playing -
scenes from his & her emotional sitcom or drama,
(depending on the mood of the moment)...
there's always some kind of music playing in each bedroom,
his & mine, & also our kids music...
depending on the time of day or night,
his room would be playing loud, rock or blues
then sometimes, kids' music & classical or lullabyes...
mine would have either jazz, or some female vocalist,
bossa nova or folk or sometimes classical,
other times it's a hip-hop station with some loud rap, ragaton or the new latin hip-hop,
(my daughter's new favorite)
aside from the usual hip hop, urban r& b playing...
you'd be surprised the variety of music playing in our house at one time...
then there's my mother's bedroom,
if u want to see baggage from the past,
all u have to do is step inside my mother's bedroom...
it's like a little warehouse for someone who
tries to cram her whole 68 years of existence
into one small 9x13 square footage
with boxes piled on top of another bigger box
& smaller gift boxes on top of those,
lots of figurines of Mother Mary (collections from the Philippines maybe to here...)
a huge poster of the Sacred Heart of Jesus,
as big as the ones you would find in chapels back in the Philippines,
& other saintly figures in all shapes & sizes
St. Anthony, St. Francis of Assisi
St. Theresa & the blessed Fatima...
& of course the infant Jesus which is displayed all year-round in my Mom's room
(not just around Christmas)...
sometimes when i am feeling out of sorts,
i just step inside my Mom's bedroom,
sit on her bed & look at ALL that's surrounding me,
it's a strange bedroom...
full of memories & faithfully whispered prayers...
then you'll see on her writing table at the foot of her bed,
more boxes of mails, letters she keeps from years past,
from families & friends, near & far,
a bunch of pictures in frames, a family tree that's incomplete,
a big 8x10 of my high school graduation photo,
my son & daughter's school photos...
& more storage boxes filled with photo albums, scrapbooks & other stuff...
it's like a museum to her life...
she can't let go...
she's the type who likes everything familiar to her
surrounding her...
maybe that's her bliss,
but it bothers me that there's almost no room to walk...
she just fashioned a path enough for one person to walk around in,
from the doorway to her bed,
oh & i almost forgot about her clothes cabinet..
on second thought - let's not even go there.
my bedroom that i share with my daughter (that just turned 13)
is a different story,
because we have no choice but to share a small cabinet
& a couple of plastic dresser drawers for all our clothes,
we have to store our other clothes by season,
it's a seasonal wardrobe which i find more useful & comfortable...
less cluttered & it's easier on my mind & my daughter's too
each morning - trying to decide what to wear everyday...
& i love our winter curtain that i just bought to cover the drafty window,
it's burgundy velvet with gold paisley trim,
i love how it gives our small, crowded room a royal princess feel...
& on the walls i posted some of my daughter's best artwork
from when she was little to now...
& a painting of her when she was 2 - a gift from her Grandma
when she was still working for the UN assigned to a peacekeeping mission in Iraq
(thank God she's retired now & don't need to work there)
this painting was done by a local street artist
(kinda like the Mabini artists we have in Manila)...
i like to keep it simple,
(*in fact the kind of home i am creating for my future is going to be
a reflection of where i want my mind to be...
a simple life, inspired by nature, & like a rustic cottage home...)
i still have a project to de-clutter our home,
at least our next home,
hopefully my first home...my first very own home that i can call mine...
would be like a cottage close to a park or a lake,
with a little backyard garden that i can transform
into my very own little sanctuary complete with
a fishpond, Japanese inspired garden, with rock-sand & stone
landscaping, maybe a small gazebo or workshop in the back
where me & my kids can work on some arts & crafts,
& ...wait a minute, where was i???
back in the picture of my little house...
did we go to the kitchen yet?
i would say, let's not even go there....
but what's a home without some form of kitchen huh?
well, it's a small kitchen without an island,
kinda country type with it's old windows & doors
with paint chipping off them...
a deep old cast iron sink,
& cabinet shelves that are made for tall people
( i just got used to standing on a chair to get anything from those shelves...
it's a pain, but what can i do? )...
it's the "story" of my Life...
when you need to survive
one can get used to almost anything....
even the lack of what you want...
in a kitchen, a living room (no fireplace!),
only 1 small bathroom with an old tub
that we use only for showers, no soaking in the tub to relax here...
no such thing, cause it's a big project to clean a tub
used by all...
yeah, not quite the chateau that i'm dreaming of...
but it will have to do for now...
my hubby & i don't even have our own bedroom,
we've been separated since the moment
of truth...for me,
then all the rest of the time was a
rollercoaster of ups & downs,
isolation within my own crowded house,
many, many voices in my head...
crowded mind,
i tried to get away,
but i only end up coming back Home...
there's really no escape from the world you've built
for yourself...
when it all comes crumbling down...
as occasionally it did,
or maybe I did?
i don't know...
for now, everything's cool...
i don't blow too hot anymore...
(except during that time of the month!)
it's too much of a waste of precious energy...
i'd rather shut my door,
travel inward,
come out smiling, & ready to be a Mom again...
"story" of my Life?
yeah, you can say that
i'm still trying to find my balance...
but getting closer to finding what Bliss means to me...
for now,
a friendship/ occasional lucky romantic moments shared with my hubby
are precious & not to be forgot...
i don't really know for sure
if things will get better for us...
maybe, maybe not.
for now,
being with my kids,
watching them grow...well-adjusted i hope,
is a lot to be grateful for...
seeing them happy & even grumpy,
& knowing how to turn them around,
into their usual selves...
is all i could wish for...
just to "be with" them...
our stay at home &play or eat out
on friday nights,
our weekends full of busy-ness but
able to sleep-in a few more minutes,
an hour,
while the kids watch cartoons in peace,
...is bliss.
for now,
being able to provide a home for my Mom,
i know it's not easy,
especially for any husband to live with their Mother-in-Law,
but hey, what can he expect?
i'm the only one my Mom can really run to...
i've always been the one among all her children
who's been there for her thru her breakdowns,
(maybe because i was her only daughter)...
i was the main witness to the crime my Daddy
had committed long time ago...
when he broke her heart,
& broke our tender home too...
so, i was that little 8 or maybe 10-year old Catholic-schooled girl,
who swore from then on to always be strong,
who needed to be tough
So therefore i was,
& I am...still tough...
For now,
while Life can be tough,
my tough-ness is my shield,
therein lies my carefully guarded world,
therein hides the romance i am seeking,
& therein, maybe
i haven't truly given up on....
Love,
loving the world for all it's broken down stories,
for all it's strange twists & turns,
for all the upheavals every person i meet must have gone through...
there is still Love,
if not for One's Self,
for another...
which one day might come back to that One
& reflect Love's warmth again...
For now,
i continue to seek my Bliss...
.. - J
