Reflections on the Roaring Year of 2020 (The Year of the great Pandemic)

 

Typically, around this time, December 31, final day of 2020, the Year of the Pandemic!  In Chinese astrology, it is the Year of the Gold Rat….the most unpredictable and unprecedented year for me as well as for everyone on this planet Earth….

How did we do?

How did I do?

These questions popped into my head this early morning… calling for some reflection and meditation on the year that has gone by…. 1 more day, today…. And it’s over.  We are at the junction, at the spring board into the New Year 2021! The coming year of the Metal Ox…the Ox animal being symbolized as hard working, diligent, dependable and determined.  This looks like a promising year for all of us; where we all have to work hard rebuilding what was lost in 2020... and with grit & determination, work at fixing what had been broken in our lives….

My reflections are:

Since I have been doing a lot of soul searching this year, like I’m sure most of you have done too…. (we really didn’t have a lot of choice on this matter.  2020, this year of the Covid-19 pandemic… affected all of us in many, many ways…But most of all, I believe, regardless of all that may have happened in your life this year… or in my life this year…. We all shared the common struggle of having too much time on our hands, and having to quarantine a lot, staying home a lot with our immediate families…not being able to go out as much.... All these were opportunities for self-reflection… Soul-searching was done on a global scale.)

All for the good, I hope?

For me it was. (If you have been following my past posts on FB or IG, or on my blogs here...

It was a good year, no matter the seeming catastrophical misfortunes that were dealt on me and my family by fate….

Everything that could happen, happened to us this year.  …. The hit & run on my car as I was on my way to work for our students’ first day back in school, our house fire on January 18^th, my radial bone fracture when I fell on the steps inspecting the damages on our home. Bruno, our beloved pet beagle of 10 years, getting cancer and dying on the night before President Trump announced the shutdown of our country…. Then yes, the shutdown of establishments except for essential businesses such as hospitals, clinics, groceries, the post office, etc.  ---- because the Coronavirus pandemic that hit home was getting out of control! 

Working from home, teaching & learning remotely for ALL of GCPS, and most school systems in the nation... People having to work from home too, who used to commute to work each day… a relief of some sort?  Then, my husband’s brother got Covid, and was hospitalized in ICU for almost a month, but recovered and is now back to “normal”... However, my father was not as blessed.  Our dearest Daddy Tommy, passed away from Covid complications… He was 83, August 31, 2020.  That was real tough…he was an anchor, a beacon of light for our entire Velasquez clan.  We, as a family had to deal with that using the technology afforded us.  We could not fly back home to the Philippines as we will need to quarantine for another two weeks.... The Velasquez siblings and our Mommy Letty did Zooming for video chats.... We organized his final days and cremation via Zoom (thank God for Zoom and FB Messenger)! 

His funeral ceremony was arranged this way, with a video we created to showcase his life on Earth... How he lived a full life.  My Daddy, he is and will be forever missed.  Then, what else could happen after all that?? 

So, I assumed my role in the family as the Messenger….I felt during that time of our daddy’s passing, that his spirit was using me to communicate with some family members that he wasn’t able to talk to and say his proper goodbyes to…. To my youngest brother, Dr. Rocky, and to my Mommy…I was the empath, the intermediary between the spirit world where my daddy was already in between and our physical realm of existence.  I had dreams some nights of him talking to me, and he would wake me up in the wee hours of the morning so I can free-write what he’s trying to tell me to tell others in my family. I have always been some sort of messenger, as I am ruled by the planet and god Mercury according to my zodiac sign of Gemini (the communicator)…So it was natural to me.

During this period of our collective “quarantine” – even though we started back teaching & learning in school buildings physically (with students given the choice of learning digitally from the safety of their homes).... We, teachers had no choice but to return to school and teach from there ( whether we were teaching online kids or in-person kids).  I felt that each one of us was challenged to look inside ourselves more deeply, and take that journey inwards.  Some of us got to know themselves better, some probably did not take full advantage of this opportunities of introspection… But I sure did. I wrote with a frenzy during this time… every morning from 4:30 am to about 6:00 am….I was on my laptop writing some thoughts, ideas, and hopes & fears down on paper or typing on the computer.  & sometimes I would be back at it that same night before bedtime.

I was prolific, I was also working on my first children’s book “The Misadventures of Wilhelmina”, my memoir was on the back burner, waiting to be finished… a continual work-in-progress as my life is still evolving.

I am now finished with “Wilhelmina”, all it needs now are the black-&-white illustrations that my husband Will (a really talented graphic artist) will be doing….then one of my New Year’s Resolutions is to Self-publish my very first book!

Secondly, the other New Year’s Resolution I could think of right now, is to be more of a MINIMALIST.  A lesson learned by Will, Diego & me, upon moving back to our home sweet home, Aspen Belle, with all the 100 or so large boxes of “stuff” that we have collected through the years...the 14 years of living here in this house that caught on fire.  We gave half of them away to Goodwill.

The fire to me symbolized more than destruction & chaos; but also it symbolized a chance for a fresh start… a rising from the embers.

Our lives did get disrupted by this fire, but we were also like Phoenix rising from the ashes….of our old lives.

…. 2020 was the crash and burn year!  So many senseless deaths from Covid-19 around the world, but even more so pronounced in the USA….then we also had the  BLM movement - the Black Lives Matter protests in the streets of major cities all across America.... We then had the Presidential Election on Nov. 2020... A lot was happening....now that was an understatement!

So, this New Year, 2021, to me is symbolized by a PHOENIX rising….

Am I ready for it, are we ready for all the goodness & hope that it could bring to this new world?  

A resounding YES in my heart...Bring it on!

Today, Thanksgiving Day 2020

 (In the year of the Coronavirus pandemic)

 

I wanted to take a little moment in this about-to-be busy day of celebrations…. To reflect on the things that I am most thankful for….

 

First, that I am still alive and well; healthy despite the raging pandemic in our country and across the globe.

Secondly, that all my loved ones (save from my father, dearest Tommy, who passed away August 30^th 2020 due to Covid-19 complications)

…all my loved ones are safe & healthy.

Thirdly, that even though we have quite a different “new normal” way of celebrating this Thanksgiving…. “WE” are still together, staying strong in our thoughts & prayers for each other.

I am also very grateful for FaceTime, FB group video chats that can encompass my families in the Philippines, Zoom with friends & family….

I am grateful for modern technology that children nowadays sometimes take for granted.  I remember the days when we did not have all the conveniences of cell phones, GPS when travelling, the Internet, Wi-Fi….all these just came about in the 21^st century.

I am grateful that there are a lot of possibilities now for an effective vaccine that hopefully will be tried & tested enough to keep all of us around the world safe & healthy again….

There is a light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel of 2020…..

This year just totally killed us!  * in terms of challenges that I and my family had to face….

Thank you for all the friends & family & co-workers who stood by us during these crazy times.  Thank you for reminding us the good in everything, to see the blessings disguised as misfortunes….

I can’t wait for next year’s 2021 CELEBRATIONS!!!  For sure, we will be partying again like its 1999 (*Prince)!!!

 Love & big virtual hugs to Y’all….

 

 

 

Thoughts...before school

I am starting to cry again, just from the thought of leaving my loved ones behind… if I ever get the Covid-19, and because I have underlying conditions – Asthma, I might not survive it…

I am a teacher here in Gwinnett County, suburb of Atlanta, Georgia.  We are expected to go back to school (report in the actual school building) whether we get assigned to teach online or face-to-face instructions.  We still have to report back to work.  I understand the need to go back to work, I actually am looking forward to getting back to the groove, and working again…but let’s face it, we have to do this safely & strategically.

I mean, I really believe that some students do not do well with online-only learning, like my special needs students; but at the same time, if I was a parent of a K-12 public school student, I will not send them physically back to school with all the rest of the kids; with the danger of exposing them to this novel Coronavirus.  Regardless of whether they are special needs or regular education students. It is too much of a risk for a deadly virus that we are still learning about. The scientists & doctors do not know yet the full effects and long term dangers of this virus on the human body & the different organs it attacks.  But what they do know as of the present, is enough for me to decide it is too risky to take any risks, including sending kids to a crowded school, crowded buses, with crowded classrooms that cannot afford to social distance, and especially with little guidance from the government.

I was telling my daughter that next week, my husband & I have an appointment to see a lawyer to write up our Living Wills, Health Directives & Powers of Attorney.  We should’ve done this a long time ago, but now is the best time.  Just in case, to prepare for any eventuality that could happen because of this pandemic.

 I bet most families are thinking on the same line.  We have never faced such questions of our own mortality as this time…

Morbid as it may sound, death is just ever present in this world we are in right now… Our new reality is so unpredictable that you never know who will get it next.  It was my brother in law last April (thank God he survived the ordeal)….and it could be your next door neighbor, or cousin, or grandparents, next…who will be next?

I feel for all the essential workers… the healthcare heroes, my brothers - Dr. Jonathan & Dr. Rocky... who face this reality daily and squarely.  They are truly brave & deserve all our respect.  The everyday jobs by grocery store workers, post office workers, mailman, sanitation workers, construction workers, farmers, Amazon workers and deliverers… they are all essential.

Now it’s my turn to face the music.  July 29^th, two weeks to be exact - teachers here in Gwinnett county Georgia are going back for two weeks of Pre-Planning & lots of meetings & trainings to ensure everybody’s safe return to school.

We may all eventually get it – this damned Coronavirus, but hopefully when we do, there will already be a vaccine for it…

Or maybe it will only affect us like a mild case of the flu….but you never know, when your luck runs out.

I pray to God, help us ALL, especially here in America where it is spreading like wildfire again... &  may God help us all over the world.  God bless y'all! 

Love & Light.

 

The Metaphor of my Broken Arm

When I fell upon our stairs

Our house just caught on fire

Everything seemed to have broken

Even my right arm broke,

I had a radial bone fracture….

This to me was a symbol of

What needed to be destroyed

What realities needed to be shattered

This was the starting point

The dawning of a new age for me, my family…

And strange as it may seem…

January of 2020, seemed to be a dawning of a new Age globally.

Personally, I needed to get rid of old misconceptions,

Of what used to give me comfort,

I had to step outside the box of my comfort zone…

We all have material things, possessions that we can’t let go of,

Now, these circumstances in my life

Forced me to let go, Let God, as they say…

Let the Universe unfold as it should ….

So they took away all our possessions inside that house…

Symbol of Non-attachment…

I learned to not long for those material things,

I learned not to miss certain comforts of Home…

Then we, as a family, had to move from place to place

From a hotel to an apartment,

The physical move as well as the spiritual, mental challenges it presented

Was a bit overwhelming at first…

We were tired, it was exhausting physically,

Mentally, we had to adapt to new surroundings, new ways of being,

Spiritually, we had to find ourselves amidst chaos.

This was a temporary existence,

It was even more apparent as everything around us was changing too.

There was a Coronavirus pandemic affecting our country & the World.

It was starting to get worse here,

Mortality rates in our communities were on the rise exponentially….

January, there were about 35 deaths due to Covid 19,

Now, 5 months later, 109,000 deaths in the United States of America alone,

1.89 Million confirmed cases…

So, I think to myself…

Everything in this world is Temporary…

Change is the only Constant.

Now, winter is over,

Spring is done,

Summer is here…it is June of 2020,

We are slowly returning to our old Home,

People are wearing masks to be safe,

People are social distancing,

Businesses are slowly opening up...

Some parts of the United States are seeing a slow decline of Coronavirus cases

And deaths are leveling & tapering off,

There are still certain states that are on the rise,

And possible resurgence due to another Crisis…

The racial divide because of police brutality

In our nation…is a systemic problem…

Racism is showing its ugly head once more…

There is much political unrest,

protests on the streets of major cities,

some anarchists looting & rioting,

The National Guard & local police

At times have been ordered to use tear gas & rubber bullets on peaceful protesters….

Truly, this cannot go on….

We are at a crossroads once again in our History,

A fork in the road wherein… we are at the Tipping Point…

If we do not choose wisely and with wisdom in our hearts,

Our nation might be further divided.

Now, my fractured arm is almost healing….

We are going Home soon…

Now comes the healing of our country…I hope,

The fractures in our society symbolizes as a collective,

False ideologies of racism & anarchy…

Of being too right wing, versus, too left-leaning,

Of Us versus Them.

Maybe Healing will occur,

Maybe this is our year of Transformation,

Maybe 2020 will represent a clear vision of the Future?

And what it holds for all of us…

We are stronger, together, United.

I am healing now…

I pray fervently, that You all are too…

Deep inside, let’s forgive each other….

Let’s continue to pray for each other….

Let’s learn Respect for every one’s basic rights

As a free person….equal not apart from us.

If there is one thing that this Coronavirus is teaching us…

It Is that we are mere specks of dust in this Universe,

& if we don’t see each other as ourselves,

If we don’t care for one another as we care for ourselves…

Capable of getting & transmitting this contagion,

If we cannot see each other as Equals

All worthy of basic human rights…

Then I don’t really know what else to say….

I am HEALING my wounds….

Are you???

Happy Birthday to me!

“Today is the greatest day I’ve ever known…can’t wait for tomorrow, tomorrow’s much too long” (Smashing Pumpkins)

 

Today is my birthday… 56 years on Planet Earth….20,440 days of waking up to new days, putting my foot forward and keeping it moving.  56 revolutions around the Sun….

I am grateful for Life, I am grateful for family, I am grateful for friends for life…

And death, happening around this Coronavirus pandemic….reminding us constantly to live our lives to the fullest, as though this day, today, is our last.

https://youtu.be/1lyu1KKwC74

This is a weird birthday for me, that’s why I chose this song from the Verve “Bittersweet Symphony” for my writing meditation this morning.  It sure is a bitter sweet symphony, the life we are living during these crazy, unprecedented and unpredictable times…

Nothing is for certain anymore.  Everything that we were used to turned upside down.  Jobs may be lost, schools have closed since March 13, our movements have become limited, plans cancelled, and future plans cannot be made…yet.  2020, yes the year synonymous to clearer vision…and here we are forced to see things differently, we are having to see Life from a new & different perspective.  We cannot base the decisions we make every day on our past ways…We are now witnessing a “new normal” and every little thing we do is filtered through a new lens,  “Is this safe?”  “Are we in danger of being exposed to the VIRUS if we go out now?”  “What are we going to do this summer break?”  “Should we even fly?”, “Is it better to do stay-cations?”  “What about school next year 2020-21?”, “Are we still in this pandemic next year?”  “We have flattened the curve in some states and some parts of the world… but is it going to come back with a vengeance when winter hits?” “When are they going to find a cure, a vaccine?”   All these questions & more…whirling in our collective minds.

Some of us are luckier than others…They haven’t been hit at home with this VIRUS.  But some, it hits closer to home than is comfortable…Our family for instance, have been hit close… my husband’s brother is currently in the throes of fighting for his life with this Covid-19, and we are all anxiously waiting & praying for his recovery.  “Who else in our close circle of family & friends is going to get hit?”  “Will it be bad or will it be mild?”  “Who will win, the VIRUS or us?”

I say, we cannot let the VIRUS win! Just imagine all the healthcare workers & researchers fighting this and struggling to find a cure before more deaths happen…. Just imagine all our essential workers, day in & day out, going about their daily lives & continuing to work with constant unease of who among their customers might have the virus or may be asymptomatic carriers….Just imagine the more unfortunate folks in our communities, struggling to find ways to put food on the table for the whole family, because they are on unemployment or worse, no source of income…Such angst is enough to cause some people nightmares. 

2020, perfect vision, I believe this period in our history is forcing us to re-evaluate what is important and essential to us.  Time to get rid of what’s un-necessary, Time to get rid of hatred, judgments, & bigotry…. We are, whether we like it or not, intertwined now, we are all in this together….I am wearing my mask in public, not just for my own protection but to also protect those I come in contact with; although I hate wearing a mask.

Time to face our new reality, “we are all in this together” every commercial on TV is saying that… We just have to be kinder whenever we can…everybody is struggling in their own ways.  No one is immune to this.

To me, it is the year for a clearer vision, hopefully a perfect vision of what I want my everyday to be…Time to re-assess my core values… only deal with what IS, not what may be…

Time to let go, and Let GOD.  God and the Universe has given us this challenge not to make us suffer…I believe, this Coronavirus plague, is sent as a blessing.  I know that may sound weird, but it is true, there is a rainbow to every storm. 

Happy birthday to me!  To a new year, a fresh start, a new beginning.

I wish the same for all of you, reading this TODAY…into our 10^th week of isolation…Make it the greatest day of your Life.

Sending love & healing, stay strong!

- Jessica (from my little quarantined corner of the world)

here's the send-off song I chose for y’all, a classic.

https://youtu.be/fPO76Jlnz6c

Ode to our Mother

This is for Mother's Day

https://youtu.be/aJxrX42WcjQ   You Raised Me Up (by Josh Groban)

This song “YOU RAISED ME UP” is dedicated to our ever steadfast, faithful and loving mother…. Leticia Gaviola Velasquez.

Every time I listen to this song, it brings tears to my eyes and chills down my spine….

It is so true of our mother….Leticia….our quiet, unassuming, humble and profoundly spiritual & faithful…mother.

She is a wonderful human being.  She has led us in her own quiet ways, from darkness; from the forest of confusion and the stormy troubled waters of our childhood… to where we are now.  She raised all of us, and also had the time, energy & compassion to raise most of her grandchildren starting with my older brother - Joe's children...Michelle, Mark & Melanie; then mine... Malaya & Diego Ray...and even our youngest brother - Rocky's children....Jaelyn & Olivia....where did she get all her energy... I wondered?  and always the answer will come up as... she has an inner spiritual well always filled with unconditional love for all her children....

I still remember, during the Seventies when our Dad had to leave us to immigrate to the United States of America, in order to be able to support all of us….It was Martial Law in the Philippines then....We were left at a loss… about our future.  My Mom, I know in my young heart, had the most difficult time…She had to raise 6 children almost on her own… having given up her teaching career a long time ago, and Daddy being the sole breadwinner….She did not know what to do…

It was very tough going at first, but I watched her as she slowly, through the years…through her deep Faith in a God that watches over all of us….slowly, pulled herself together….I was only about 13 years old, my older brother, Jojo 14, and the rest of my brothers, James, Jason, Jonathan….12,11,10 years old respectively….and our newborn in the family, baby Rocky, barely one year old.

She is the reason we are where we are right now….Rocky, that little baby, is now an ER doctor who is heroically fighting in the trenches of this Coronavirus warfare…in NYC…. Jonathan, another ER doctor in Perry Georgia, fighting the same battle to save lives every day.  Kuya Joe, our truck driver who is among the ESSENTIAL workers who deliver what Americans need during this crisis.  James and Jason, in the Philippines, always doing their best and always doing their part to fulfill the responsibilities of taking care of our aging father; who retired in the Philippines…. And me, I am now a TEACHER, trying to do my part in this landscape….I also sing, thanks to my Mom…who taught us how to play guitar as kids, and our Dad - Tommy, who loved to sing to us....they exposed us to all this wonderful, groovy music as we were growing up.  I will be forever grateful.

Every lyric of this song, “You Raised Me Up”…. Sings our praises to our dear mother, how much of a HERO she is to each one of us….How, we would not be here, successful in our own careers, and still believing in a GOD that never FAILS… Her LOVE was always our shining LIGHT, our only BEACON, she never failed us….we were together and in spite of the broken shambles of a home we were trying to recreate in our own hearts….Knowing that she is always there for us was enough…enough for us to keep going, to be STRONG and support one another….This is what we learned from a mother who never ever gave up. 

What we are going through collectively right now, during this global Coronavirus pandemic, is only making us stronger than ever….Think of all the mothers and fathers who raised us….

“YOU RAISED ME UP SO I CAN STAND ON MOUNTAINS,

YOU RAISED ME UP TO WALK ON STORMY SEAS,

I AM STRONG WHEN I AM ON YOUR SHOULDERS,

YOU RAISED ME UP… TO MORE THAN I CAN BE.”

Our parents did not raise us to give up now….We are from a strong breed of humans, we are going to get through this.  Together, at home, wherever you are, STAY STRONG… and thank your precious mothers and fathers.

Life & Death in the middle of Coronavirus

Today, first day of May, I woke up so early, as has been my usual since the start of 2020 --- at 4:00 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I am like that a lot, an early bird with so much energy in the morning.

So, what could I do that early? It’s Friday, a digital learning day for me as a middle school special educator.  I did not want to dive into work right away. So, I meditated for a few minutes, emptied left-over stuff in my head from fuzzy dreams the night before.  Then, went on Facebook, and checked out recent videos that have been shared.

I was struck by two especially poignant stories… One was from a father who just recently lost his 12 year old son to suicide during these Coronavirus crazy times…and the second story was told by another father, losing yet another child, his daughter - an ER doctor fighting this silent war right in the trenches of New York City, Mt. Sinai Hospital… She was also lost to suicide.

I shared these two real stories to my Facebook feed… and I just want everyone out there who reads these to realize that Coronavirus is not just a deadly physical pandemic, but it could might as well be a great emotional & mental malady of our times.  These two very real stories brought tears to my eyes…

I have suffered from post-partum depression back when I had my second child; and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 1, the kind where you have some weird hallucinations and heard voices.  I call them my friends and guides now, these voices in my head.  I used to be scared of them, not knowing who and what the heck they were… but not anymore.  The more I realized that these voices are not from outside of me, but inside from the deepest recesses of my being…even probably memories of past lives coming into light…I am no longer afraid to listen to them and accept them in without fear or judgement. Sometimes, I listen and just let it slide…other times, depending on the mood, I really listen and analyze what it all means.

This morning, I cried some tears, for these two humans, two very human….human beings --- the 12 year old boy whose birthday was in two days; and the oh so brave ER doctor who contracted COVID 19 while working and still went back to work after a week of recovery, just because she was an awesome responsible doctor.  According to their fathers, they both showed no apparent signs of depression & were fairly happy individuals.  But these times can get to the best of us…. There are really those among us suffering internally and silently right now during this crisis that we are not even aware of sometimes… Please be gentle with yourself and with others.

 

It makes me wonder about my students.  Yesterday, at yet another long virtual Zoom meeting with my Team and Assistant Principal, we wrangled & wrestled with ideas on how to help those students who are not passing our classes and not doing their Digital Learning assignments.  No matter how much we, as teachers, try our very best to the point of exhaustion every day to reach out to them and give them the best and simplest assignments possible… we still could not reach them. We try everything, all tools from our teacher toolbox: call & email parents regularly, make funny, engaging selfie videos every morning for our daily instructions, create Zoom live class sessions, do Art for them to show how much we care & miss them… our students are still elusive as butterflies.  Sometimes, they’re there, logging in and choosing to do certain assignments, and most times they are not.  Except for the few handful of students, steadfast and determined to have passing grades by the end of all this…perhaps due to their parents’ efforts or their own persistence & character. I admire these kids immensely and I would work even for that one or two kids attending my live Zoom sessions. For them, what I do as a teacher is worthwhile… I will continue to strive hard for these kids to thrive and be successful despite the odds they may be facing.

For this is not just a physical & visible disease, but an emotional, mental as well as a social disease.  Coronavirus has shown us how disparate and discrepant our socio-educational systems are in this great first world country we live in. It shows us so many factors why some kids succeed and some don’t… and not due to the fact of their own doing.  I mean, odds are so stacked against some of my students: most don’t have access to a good computer, laptop, device, whatever; and even though our school (being a Title 1 school) loans them a device such as a Chromebook, their families cannot afford good internet service.  Why don’t we have universal Internet for all students yet? 

In addition to not having the proper tools for learning, these students struggle at home with their home lives; some have so many siblings that they can’t even focus; some have to babysit their younger brother or sister, some have parents who do not speak English and cannot read or help them in any way with their digital assignments, some kids’ parents are essential workers who have to work long hours during the day or night, and some kids’ parents have become unemployed with no income coming into their household.. Not to mention, my kids, my students already struggle having learning disabilities...How can they have proper guidance at home with all the distress and uncertainties?  Everyone is lost in their own personal struggles, trying to hold things together… who has the time and energy to hold these kids’ hands and assure them that everything will be okay??? Some of my students have said that this Coronavirus is just a lie and they want to go back to school so badly to see their friends again…and when will this ever end.  And it is so heartbreaking to listen to them. I hear their frustrations as they try to go through their crappy phone devices to complete assignments that are not geared towards cell phones… they’re just not user-friendly, so my students give up.  I want to give up too but I totally get it.  Frustrating as it may seem, we still try, and try, and try some more… until the very last day of school, which for us here is May 20^th (the day before my birthday).  14 more days, including today… We, special educators, are to reach out some more, with more last ditch efforts to get these kids to at least take their Final Exams online… We need a little miracle… a little Hail Mary!