"working Moms" - isn't that a redundancy??
i don't know of any Mom who doesn't work,
even stay-at-home moms have lots & lots of work to do...they say sometimes even more...
& how about us, the double-working moms...the SuperMoms who have to put in a lot of overtime without pay...
it's 4:30 pm, my day is almost over here in the ofc., & i'm off to my other full-time job...
catch the ferry, then the local bus (that's about an hour)
walk 15 minutes to finally get home,
kick off my shoes, wash my hands & face,
change into my house clothes,
check on the kids, kiss & hug, see if they're ok and all that,
check what's for dinner, see if there's any good leftovers,
say hi to the hubby, see if he's ok, hugs,
& more hugs if he prepared dinner already :)
ask if the kids did their homework
& note to self to check on that later...
rest a bit, maybe,
then start the ball rolling for dinner & some evening quality time
with the family...
sometimes, not even anytime to put my feet up & relax...
anyway, tonight might even be worse than that...
my son's school nurse called to say that my son
seems to have some rashes around his neck,
are they allergies or bug bites, they can't tell...
& they can't give him any medicine, they're not legally allowed to...
but they sent him home with a note for me to take him to the doctor.
before he can go back to school tomorrow i guess...
anyway, thank God my Mom is home, lives with us,
& can take care of him & my daughter after school,
or i wouldn't be able to work...& we'd be in the "poorhouse"
so, when i get home tonight,
i have to drive my son to the 24 hr.- HIP clinic in my neighborhood,
see what's wrong with him if anything,
& take it from there.
after that, dinner? that would be nice...
then check what else needs to be checked,
my daughter's homework, clean up around the house a little bit...
i wanted to do my nails today (i do my own manicure, i don't like pedicures,
cause i can't stand the smell inside a nail salon...the enclosed chemical fumesl drive me nuts!)
so, when i want my nails to look prettier than usual,
i put on a little polish w/ some light colors like pink, or tan or pearly white...
that's all, i never use red or those dark colors that make the nails look a little "witchy"...
maybe i'll treat myself to a nail-polishing session while listening to some music...
to relax...but i also want to catch that first Kerry-Bush Presidential debate on tv tonight,
(that might be upsetting... )
then Yoga maybe?
that's being too ambitious now...
maybe tomorrow...
Thank God, my angels,
& all my kids' angels that there is always tomorrow.
:) another day, to do this "working Mom" thing all over again,
till i become an expert at it...i'm getting there.
but hey, it's another beautiful sunrise,
& before u know it,
here comes another weekend...
voila, we've made it through another week!
Hooray for all working MOMS!!!
till then,
stay strong & centered...
Thursday, September 30, 2004
i promise to blog today :)
today i'm just trying to organize my thoughts,
i want to try a different style of blogging...
like i want to just state facts, just what IS...
without being too wordy, which i can be,
& i want to be careful with my ranting on & on...
i know this is a free site, but that doesnt give me license to just rant & rave on & on...like there's no tomorrow! *(but, isnt' that what u intended this blog to be for anyway???)
this time, i just want my blog to be less
of what my interpretations are to events in my life
and more - of what really is...what really happened or is happening,
then again the question becomes
what's real to me?
...it's a matter of perception, it gets really subjective doesn't it?...so don't go there.
so, to state only the facts
* (without trying to be too emotional or reactionary)
It will be good exercise for my very busy mind...
i want to be centered...that's what i want.
I want this blog to reflect that i am on my way to finding that center...
that balance.
so- off to my new adventure in blogging...later on...
i will come back & write just what's so...
for me, for today,
for now...
no more dwelling in the murky hidden, yucky past...& all its multidimensional
interpretational yuckisms.... i'm so through with all that drama.
Next time around my friend, you will read me as...
the one who is centered...
the one who knows what she's blogging about,
the one who won't waste your time & my time for that matter
with unnecessary words & meaningless self-chatter
(*but isn't that what this blog was originally intended for???)
- ok, i hear U... u unstoppable voices!
just go ahead, try to be quiet...
for a second, for a few moments,
while i think
& Blog myself out of here...
till then...ommm....
the seeker ;)
i want to try a different style of blogging...
like i want to just state facts, just what IS...
without being too wordy, which i can be,
& i want to be careful with my ranting on & on...
i know this is a free site, but that doesnt give me license to just rant & rave on & on...like there's no tomorrow! *(but, isnt' that what u intended this blog to be for anyway???)
this time, i just want my blog to be less
of what my interpretations are to events in my life
and more - of what really is...what really happened or is happening,
then again the question becomes
what's real to me?
...it's a matter of perception, it gets really subjective doesn't it?...so don't go there.
so, to state only the facts
* (without trying to be too emotional or reactionary)
It will be good exercise for my very busy mind...
i want to be centered...that's what i want.
I want this blog to reflect that i am on my way to finding that center...
that balance.
so- off to my new adventure in blogging...later on...
i will come back & write just what's so...
for me, for today,
for now...
no more dwelling in the murky hidden, yucky past...& all its multidimensional
interpretational yuckisms.... i'm so through with all that drama.
Next time around my friend, you will read me as...
the one who is centered...
the one who knows what she's blogging about,
the one who won't waste your time & my time for that matter
with unnecessary words & meaningless self-chatter
(*but isn't that what this blog was originally intended for???)
- ok, i hear U... u unstoppable voices!
just go ahead, try to be quiet...
for a second, for a few moments,
while i think
& Blog myself out of here...
till then...ommm....
the seeker ;)
Sunday, September 19, 2004
after a little silence
it was a little frustrating that i couldn't blog at my work.
there was so much to tell about my nice weekend with the family in Mystic,CT - & all there is to see in Mystic Seaport. but i just had to write in my regular desktop journal (not to be able to share with U)...bummer. i hate when i just get stuck with some stupid technical difficulties...i'm not a techie head & i just couldn't find a way to get my textbox unstuck so i could blog again - maybe i was a target for some stupid spamming & they locked my windows keys somehow...whatever! those Spammers have nothing better to do!
i'm mad at them...sometimes i find more creative moments at work cause there's not a lot of distractions.
now i'm at home, it's Sunday & i don't got a lot of free time...as usual it's a day for chores & stuff. my hubby & kids are planning to go to the movies today - matinee. i plan to do laundry...& probably do some cleaning up around the house, cook dinner & voila, a whole Sunday is gone!
of course i gotta put in some time to play with my kids too...
but for now, i need a little time for myself...i don't know why my CD player on this PC doesn't want to play anything either!? (sigh) can;t even listen to music...is this gonna be a bad day or what??!
No, i'm not gonna let it turn out bad. it's a beautiful cool day outside too...sunny but cool. i can feel the changing of the seasons...
my hubby's still sleeping, it's 10:30 in the morning - he likes to sleep in on the weekends. i'm always the eary bird, i wake up with my little boy who is another early bird, & my little girl...
i think kids' body clocks are tuned to nature so they wake up early with or without the alarm clock. & i just got trained to their clock so...
anyway, not much to say here. just happy that i am able to blog even a little bit. I got some new books to read : "The LIfe of Pi" (which is supposed to be really good & i liked the plot) & i got 2 books for my daughter too that she ordered - "one of those hideous books where the mother dies" & "stop pretending" (by Sonya Sones) it's really interesting, i was reading it a little bit & she wants me to read them too after she's done. we exchange books to read now that she's 12 turning 13 - she can understand some of my not so heavy reading too. "stop pretending" is very interesting, it's about what happened to the author & her family when her big sister got really sick & had to go into the psych. ward....Hmm, sounds familiar. i'm sure it is quite an experience. quite a ride...i've been there, recovered from it & yet haven't quite fully addressed it in my writings...maybe i'm just afraid to be judged by normal people...as crazy. but really, who's to say what's normal & what's crazy anyway...we're all crazy in one way or another...some are just more extreme, some, because of some chemical imbalance of the brains, or emotionally traumatic events, just go off over the deep end...& that's what happened to me...
i wrote a lot during that time, but none so understandable to anyone but me or someone who's been through the deep end & came back whole & sane....maybe that's why i havent written about it...i;'m still grappling with my experiences at that time, the visions, the "voices", my family's fears about our future, my future now, it's weird...it's a strange thing to think about the future when one remembers that time, that walk on the wild side...
...I longed for silence at that time, i had a long relief of going back to monotony & my regular routine then...i was thankful for that... i didn't want big changes, i was just happy to be able to sleep peacefully at night & wake up rested & able to get dressed without spending an hour trying to decide what to wear, black, gray, or black & gray...it became a uniform...
...i was just thankful to have none of those stupid anxieties about nothing really, little things of how i can get back to "normal" - when normal can be comforting...& the days seem all the same...& i didnt really plan much for the weekends...that was my hubby's responsibility at that time, he had to think of things to get my mind off things, he had to find ways to get me out of the house & enjoy myself even a little bit. He is a good guy for trying & doing his best. that's why it's so tough to think of leaving him...again...cause i was planning that just before i had my little "episode"... my nervous breakdown...
Life is strange indeed. & now i'm so much better...
time to think of changes again...
Fall is coming, the leaves are changing, the air is getting colder,
day by day, progressively colder,
& soon it will be Winter, another cruel, unrelenting New York City winter,
my season of discontent,
my most dreaded enemy-
when there's not enough light
during the day, & not enough light when i wake up in the morning...
& the cold gets to my bones no matter how much clothes i wear,
i pray that it won't be so bad this year...
that i can handle another winter...
before our planned move to Georgia early next year,
where its much milder, no trudging in the snow & slipping on ice...
another reason why we want to move,
for mental health reasons,
so hopefully i won't get depressed again...
nobody likes it when somebody is depressed,
no one's happy, everybody's trying to get by,
everybody's trying to make u happy,
it's so sad...
& u see right through them,
& you know they're just being good & doing their best,
& still nothing matters,
& U still feel low,
& so u continue to take ur meds ...
even if it might have made u want to jump off your office building
or over the ferry... for a couple of weeks or so...
so u continue to take ur meds....
anything as long as it may work...
St. John's Worts did not work before did it?
or only worked for a few months...& then wham!
U got depressed again!
at the time when U were feeling so strong, so confident too...
that's why the doctor said U might be manic-depressive, bi-polar!
But am I really???
or am i just weird, different,
or my brain chemistries just goes out of whack in times of stress or distress???
like that song i hear on the radio constantly...it gets annoying sometimes...
but it's good...
"i'm not crazy. i'm just a little unwell... sometimes,
so stay a while maybe then you'll see,
a different side of me..."
as usual,
Time is my best friend,
only Time will tell...only time can tell really.
i pray to my angels every night to keep me sane & bright,
to keep that light on for me...
in times of darkness...
& i pray for U too...to someday find me...
strong & bright,
a light in the dark, shining bright.
always,
the seeker...
there was so much to tell about my nice weekend with the family in Mystic,CT - & all there is to see in Mystic Seaport. but i just had to write in my regular desktop journal (not to be able to share with U)...bummer. i hate when i just get stuck with some stupid technical difficulties...i'm not a techie head & i just couldn't find a way to get my textbox unstuck so i could blog again - maybe i was a target for some stupid spamming & they locked my windows keys somehow...whatever! those Spammers have nothing better to do!
i'm mad at them...sometimes i find more creative moments at work cause there's not a lot of distractions.
now i'm at home, it's Sunday & i don't got a lot of free time...as usual it's a day for chores & stuff. my hubby & kids are planning to go to the movies today - matinee. i plan to do laundry...& probably do some cleaning up around the house, cook dinner & voila, a whole Sunday is gone!
of course i gotta put in some time to play with my kids too...
but for now, i need a little time for myself...i don't know why my CD player on this PC doesn't want to play anything either!? (sigh) can;t even listen to music...is this gonna be a bad day or what??!
No, i'm not gonna let it turn out bad. it's a beautiful cool day outside too...sunny but cool. i can feel the changing of the seasons...
my hubby's still sleeping, it's 10:30 in the morning - he likes to sleep in on the weekends. i'm always the eary bird, i wake up with my little boy who is another early bird, & my little girl...
i think kids' body clocks are tuned to nature so they wake up early with or without the alarm clock. & i just got trained to their clock so...
anyway, not much to say here. just happy that i am able to blog even a little bit. I got some new books to read : "The LIfe of Pi" (which is supposed to be really good & i liked the plot) & i got 2 books for my daughter too that she ordered - "one of those hideous books where the mother dies" & "stop pretending" (by Sonya Sones) it's really interesting, i was reading it a little bit & she wants me to read them too after she's done. we exchange books to read now that she's 12 turning 13 - she can understand some of my not so heavy reading too. "stop pretending" is very interesting, it's about what happened to the author & her family when her big sister got really sick & had to go into the psych. ward....Hmm, sounds familiar. i'm sure it is quite an experience. quite a ride...i've been there, recovered from it & yet haven't quite fully addressed it in my writings...maybe i'm just afraid to be judged by normal people...as crazy. but really, who's to say what's normal & what's crazy anyway...we're all crazy in one way or another...some are just more extreme, some, because of some chemical imbalance of the brains, or emotionally traumatic events, just go off over the deep end...& that's what happened to me...
i wrote a lot during that time, but none so understandable to anyone but me or someone who's been through the deep end & came back whole & sane....maybe that's why i havent written about it...i;'m still grappling with my experiences at that time, the visions, the "voices", my family's fears about our future, my future now, it's weird...it's a strange thing to think about the future when one remembers that time, that walk on the wild side...
...I longed for silence at that time, i had a long relief of going back to monotony & my regular routine then...i was thankful for that... i didn't want big changes, i was just happy to be able to sleep peacefully at night & wake up rested & able to get dressed without spending an hour trying to decide what to wear, black, gray, or black & gray...it became a uniform...
...i was just thankful to have none of those stupid anxieties about nothing really, little things of how i can get back to "normal" - when normal can be comforting...& the days seem all the same...& i didnt really plan much for the weekends...that was my hubby's responsibility at that time, he had to think of things to get my mind off things, he had to find ways to get me out of the house & enjoy myself even a little bit. He is a good guy for trying & doing his best. that's why it's so tough to think of leaving him...again...cause i was planning that just before i had my little "episode"... my nervous breakdown...
Life is strange indeed. & now i'm so much better...
time to think of changes again...
Fall is coming, the leaves are changing, the air is getting colder,
day by day, progressively colder,
& soon it will be Winter, another cruel, unrelenting New York City winter,
my season of discontent,
my most dreaded enemy-
when there's not enough light
during the day, & not enough light when i wake up in the morning...
& the cold gets to my bones no matter how much clothes i wear,
i pray that it won't be so bad this year...
that i can handle another winter...
before our planned move to Georgia early next year,
where its much milder, no trudging in the snow & slipping on ice...
another reason why we want to move,
for mental health reasons,
so hopefully i won't get depressed again...
nobody likes it when somebody is depressed,
no one's happy, everybody's trying to get by,
everybody's trying to make u happy,
it's so sad...
& u see right through them,
& you know they're just being good & doing their best,
& still nothing matters,
& U still feel low,
& so u continue to take ur meds ...
even if it might have made u want to jump off your office building
or over the ferry... for a couple of weeks or so...
so u continue to take ur meds....
anything as long as it may work...
St. John's Worts did not work before did it?
or only worked for a few months...& then wham!
U got depressed again!
at the time when U were feeling so strong, so confident too...
that's why the doctor said U might be manic-depressive, bi-polar!
But am I really???
or am i just weird, different,
or my brain chemistries just goes out of whack in times of stress or distress???
like that song i hear on the radio constantly...it gets annoying sometimes...
but it's good...
"i'm not crazy. i'm just a little unwell... sometimes,
so stay a while maybe then you'll see,
a different side of me..."
as usual,
Time is my best friend,
only Time will tell...only time can tell really.
i pray to my angels every night to keep me sane & bright,
to keep that light on for me...
in times of darkness...
& i pray for U too...to someday find me...
strong & bright,
a light in the dark, shining bright.
always,
the seeker...
Friday, September 03, 2004
well...Hello again!
Good Morning I,
i dont know what happened, but my blogsite wasnt working for a week there...i couldnt type anything in my text box at my work pc, & now that i'm trying it at home... it's working!? hmm, maybe the help desk performed some magic tricks & now it's fixed. maybe i'm only supposed to blog at home?! but i'm usually so busy here...
anyway, i am at home again...took a day off for Labor Day holiday & just catch up on some chores around the house, help my daughter get her closet/clothes get organized, do laundry & all that good stuff. (so i am quite busy & don't have a lot of time to blog ;)
it's great to work at home tho, i'm listening to my music of someone who sounds so eerily like Billie Holiday (Madeline Peyroux) with some really good musicians like Marc Ribot on guitar, etc...it's so cool! i love listening to jazz in a minimalist, clean, technically perfect & really relaxed recording...this is the kind of music i want to record w/ my own songs...hmm, maybe someday...ha, ha, ha, - when the kids are all off to college or somethin' & i got all this space & time to work on my unfinished projects...(when will that ever happen??)
no regrets, "je ne regrette rien"...
...i'm just enjoying my time w/ the kids & finding the right path for me in terms of career...i know that by next year it will be clearer to me...i think i'm gonna pave the path to changing my career into the teaching field. I love teaching kids, i think i'm gonna love that challenge....also that will give me a little space to further my Yoga...maybe i can become a Yoga instructor?, if i don't like teaching in classrooms w/ discipline-challenged kids...we'll see.
for now, what else is new?
well, for one thing, i was able to silence the voices in my head, these past week when my blogsite wasnt working... just read some meditation books & listened to those voices...let them rant & rave inside me...with no need to react, just letting them be. My hubby gave me some peace & quiet, one day that Saturday, he took our little boy to the skate park to leave me all by myself to wrestle w/ my thoughts...those voices!....
i'm thankful for him that now he knows when to leave me alone. when he came back that night, i was much better. i already cried my heart out, watched some nice movie at home, wrote on my journal...until i got tired & those voices finally let me sleep....
there's just too much in this world that we can't change it seems, the more we try to change things, or people, or how people react to things, the more they stay the same way...over-reactionary & not wanting to change....Time is my only friend in times like these...i just let time pass & later on, things get clearer....the sun shines out from behind the muggy clouds...
let nature heal my soul. let the waves subside & become calm again.
one thing really special this past weekend, i asked for a sign from God, that my angel will show me a sign of where i should take my life...with my hubby as my partner or just as a friend, if that's how we're meant to be...in the end.
- Later on in life, i will look back to this moment, this "catharsis" when i listened to the signs from my angel...& i will thank God for giving me the peace & quiet to really hear what He's trying to tell me. (is it something He's been trying to tell me all along, but i've been wanting to stay in my own mud...) Where i've been wrong, & where i've been too hard on myself & people around me wishing them to change sooner than time permits. this is what i mean, only time will prove what's right...what the right thing to do is...
so much for that, so Ms. Billie, thanks for the music, the inspiration....
Life is beautiful when seen through rose-colored glasses....i want to see the world in roses, not in war, not in the deception of politicians, i will still cast my vote according to my beliefs & what my conscience whispers ...i still support all those who believe in change...for the better...but, i will do this while seeing the world in "roses"...
....my song for today is...."La Vie en Rose" (thanks Madeline Peyroux & Marc Ribot for the beautiful re-interpretation, & all the musicians who keep on making music...u guys are great...)
till then, always la vie en rose....
i dont know what happened, but my blogsite wasnt working for a week there...i couldnt type anything in my text box at my work pc, & now that i'm trying it at home... it's working!? hmm, maybe the help desk performed some magic tricks & now it's fixed. maybe i'm only supposed to blog at home?! but i'm usually so busy here...
anyway, i am at home again...took a day off for Labor Day holiday & just catch up on some chores around the house, help my daughter get her closet/clothes get organized, do laundry & all that good stuff. (so i am quite busy & don't have a lot of time to blog ;)
it's great to work at home tho, i'm listening to my music of someone who sounds so eerily like Billie Holiday (Madeline Peyroux) with some really good musicians like Marc Ribot on guitar, etc...it's so cool! i love listening to jazz in a minimalist, clean, technically perfect & really relaxed recording...this is the kind of music i want to record w/ my own songs...hmm, maybe someday...ha, ha, ha, - when the kids are all off to college or somethin' & i got all this space & time to work on my unfinished projects...(when will that ever happen??)
no regrets, "je ne regrette rien"...
...i'm just enjoying my time w/ the kids & finding the right path for me in terms of career...i know that by next year it will be clearer to me...i think i'm gonna pave the path to changing my career into the teaching field. I love teaching kids, i think i'm gonna love that challenge....also that will give me a little space to further my Yoga...maybe i can become a Yoga instructor?, if i don't like teaching in classrooms w/ discipline-challenged kids...we'll see.
for now, what else is new?
well, for one thing, i was able to silence the voices in my head, these past week when my blogsite wasnt working... just read some meditation books & listened to those voices...let them rant & rave inside me...with no need to react, just letting them be. My hubby gave me some peace & quiet, one day that Saturday, he took our little boy to the skate park to leave me all by myself to wrestle w/ my thoughts...those voices!....
i'm thankful for him that now he knows when to leave me alone. when he came back that night, i was much better. i already cried my heart out, watched some nice movie at home, wrote on my journal...until i got tired & those voices finally let me sleep....
there's just too much in this world that we can't change it seems, the more we try to change things, or people, or how people react to things, the more they stay the same way...over-reactionary & not wanting to change....Time is my only friend in times like these...i just let time pass & later on, things get clearer....the sun shines out from behind the muggy clouds...
let nature heal my soul. let the waves subside & become calm again.
one thing really special this past weekend, i asked for a sign from God, that my angel will show me a sign of where i should take my life...with my hubby as my partner or just as a friend, if that's how we're meant to be...in the end.
- Later on in life, i will look back to this moment, this "catharsis" when i listened to the signs from my angel...& i will thank God for giving me the peace & quiet to really hear what He's trying to tell me. (is it something He's been trying to tell me all along, but i've been wanting to stay in my own mud...) Where i've been wrong, & where i've been too hard on myself & people around me wishing them to change sooner than time permits. this is what i mean, only time will prove what's right...what the right thing to do is...
so much for that, so Ms. Billie, thanks for the music, the inspiration....
Life is beautiful when seen through rose-colored glasses....i want to see the world in roses, not in war, not in the deception of politicians, i will still cast my vote according to my beliefs & what my conscience whispers ...i still support all those who believe in change...for the better...but, i will do this while seeing the world in "roses"...
....my song for today is...."La Vie en Rose" (thanks Madeline Peyroux & Marc Ribot for the beautiful re-interpretation, & all the musicians who keep on making music...u guys are great...)
till then, always la vie en rose....
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Monday, August 30, 2004
Sunday, August 29, 2004
I LOVE NY!!! ;)
Good Day New York!!!
i just heard from my hubby who's among the 200,000 or more strong, walking in this humid, tropical heat, marching & rallying against War & whatever else we believe is worth marching for right now...that this rally in front of MSG is really happening! it is so Happening that we won't even probably hear it on the news, just on Radio America or some public radio station...why? don't ask me why, i'm just an innocent bystander observing how things really are...
i'm just so beside myself with JOY today! i am so proud to be in NY all of a sudden, just when we've been thinking of moving outta here, oh well, it will still happen- in the near future, but i've become a New Yorker at heart. It's during times like these when i feel one with the people, almost like being back home...back in my UP college days...i wonder why we always used to find something to protest about...ahh, the innocence of Youth.
anyway, it's great that people are not afraid to be heard, to voice out in a peaceful protest what they really think about this War we brought on to another 3rd world country out for the taking, rich in natural resources - business as usual. Oh well, i've seen it happen in my own little island country. so, i guess i'm numb to it, i can only hope & pray & see that people will always rise above their miseries and be able to rebuild their little countries, their little lives with the help of God & their faith. Because the superpowers just don't care abt the little people...when it comes to numbers & dollars - it doesnt make sense to them. It's not good for business. sometimes u wud think that "little folks" like us don't count for much...I mean, why do we send billions of taxpayers'$$$ for this War & cut spending where it really matters?! - public education, health & human services, issues close to our hearts & right here at home....that's why i don't need to go to this rally...I'd rather concentrate my energies today to BEING HOME with my little son, spending QT with my little kids...the future of this country. That is my kind of "politics" now, as i'm getting older & hopefully wiser ;)
...that doesnt make me less proud to be a New Yorker, in fact i'm going to work this whole week while the Republicans go about their business, we have to go about ours...right Moms & Dads?! We have to keep on keeping on...making certain that our homes are safe & happy for the growing children...cause when we do that,they evolve into happy adults, ready to take on the best of the world - we work hard to give them the education they deserve no matter how much budget cuts happen, we have to take the crunch...if we have to tutor them at home, take more time from our already long & tiring paycheck-to-paycheck jobs (if you're among the lucky ones who have not lost their jobs due to layoffs in NYC & all that), cook nutritious meals despite the rising prices everywhere, & take extra time to do long homeworks with them; staying focused & balanced, praying with them before they sleep, wishing them good dreams, and finally have a little time for yourself to rest & be glad for another day...coming...maybe a new day is dawning...
as much as we believe in ourselves, i guess we also have to believe in a Higher Power UP there, watching us closely, angels guiding our ways towards the right direction...so, let's VOTE! (if only the whole world can vote for America - i'm sure who's going to win - J & J...)
why not? i will continue to cast my ballot according to my conscience & pray over it...keeping my Faith...in the Perfect Divine Will of God, that whatever happens is a test, a lesson to be learned, whoever wins, WE don't have to lose...We just keep on keeping on. that's all. sometimes it is that simple. Or is it?
all i know is, it is Sunday, a beautiful sunny Sunday, i should be at the beach, i don't know what i'm doing here in front of the PC, but i just had this urge to write...to blog & brag about my BIG little New York City, & all those people marching in this heat! I am there with them in Spirit. I am happy for them. (& i hope the cops are being nice cause they can be, & being patient too ;) )
& I am here, among the many mothers, wanting to be counted as One with those searching for a Change...something better than this - better jobs maybe, a better school for my kids, better neighborhood with less crime & less guns on the street (no guns wud be better but that's pushing it, i know...) - more LOVE, more music in the hearts of people & children, more music in schools & ART, more ways to allow their creative beautiful Wings to Fly...is that too much to ask??? This is America, the most powerful country in the world right? (or so they say.) Well, hooray for our Athletes in the Olympics, i mean, that's the kind of America i can be proud of...
I want my kids someday to have opportunities to be an athlete, artist, teacher, even a soldier for Peace if that's what he/she wants, as long as they know what they're fighting for. What Matters in our daily lives. I just want them to be Happy...cause when they're happy, i am set... I am happy.
well, so much blogging for today,
as usual, there's more, but this is the news for today, folks...
signing off for now, my little boy is calling out for some TLC,& some mamam...
yours truly,
:) what's the song for today? hmm, right, i almost forgot about that, this morning i woke up to my radio playing Chicago's "If U leave me now" - it was "special" - i loved it.
i just heard from my hubby who's among the 200,000 or more strong, walking in this humid, tropical heat, marching & rallying against War & whatever else we believe is worth marching for right now...that this rally in front of MSG is really happening! it is so Happening that we won't even probably hear it on the news, just on Radio America or some public radio station...why? don't ask me why, i'm just an innocent bystander observing how things really are...
i'm just so beside myself with JOY today! i am so proud to be in NY all of a sudden, just when we've been thinking of moving outta here, oh well, it will still happen- in the near future, but i've become a New Yorker at heart. It's during times like these when i feel one with the people, almost like being back home...back in my UP college days...i wonder why we always used to find something to protest about...ahh, the innocence of Youth.
anyway, it's great that people are not afraid to be heard, to voice out in a peaceful protest what they really think about this War we brought on to another 3rd world country out for the taking, rich in natural resources - business as usual. Oh well, i've seen it happen in my own little island country. so, i guess i'm numb to it, i can only hope & pray & see that people will always rise above their miseries and be able to rebuild their little countries, their little lives with the help of God & their faith. Because the superpowers just don't care abt the little people...when it comes to numbers & dollars - it doesnt make sense to them. It's not good for business. sometimes u wud think that "little folks" like us don't count for much...I mean, why do we send billions of taxpayers'$$$ for this War & cut spending where it really matters?! - public education, health & human services, issues close to our hearts & right here at home....that's why i don't need to go to this rally...I'd rather concentrate my energies today to BEING HOME with my little son, spending QT with my little kids...the future of this country. That is my kind of "politics" now, as i'm getting older & hopefully wiser ;)
...that doesnt make me less proud to be a New Yorker, in fact i'm going to work this whole week while the Republicans go about their business, we have to go about ours...right Moms & Dads?! We have to keep on keeping on...making certain that our homes are safe & happy for the growing children...cause when we do that,they evolve into happy adults, ready to take on the best of the world - we work hard to give them the education they deserve no matter how much budget cuts happen, we have to take the crunch...if we have to tutor them at home, take more time from our already long & tiring paycheck-to-paycheck jobs (if you're among the lucky ones who have not lost their jobs due to layoffs in NYC & all that), cook nutritious meals despite the rising prices everywhere, & take extra time to do long homeworks with them; staying focused & balanced, praying with them before they sleep, wishing them good dreams, and finally have a little time for yourself to rest & be glad for another day...coming...maybe a new day is dawning...
as much as we believe in ourselves, i guess we also have to believe in a Higher Power UP there, watching us closely, angels guiding our ways towards the right direction...so, let's VOTE! (if only the whole world can vote for America - i'm sure who's going to win - J & J...)
why not? i will continue to cast my ballot according to my conscience & pray over it...keeping my Faith...in the Perfect Divine Will of God, that whatever happens is a test, a lesson to be learned, whoever wins, WE don't have to lose...We just keep on keeping on. that's all. sometimes it is that simple. Or is it?
all i know is, it is Sunday, a beautiful sunny Sunday, i should be at the beach, i don't know what i'm doing here in front of the PC, but i just had this urge to write...to blog & brag about my BIG little New York City, & all those people marching in this heat! I am there with them in Spirit. I am happy for them. (& i hope the cops are being nice cause they can be, & being patient too ;) )
& I am here, among the many mothers, wanting to be counted as One with those searching for a Change...something better than this - better jobs maybe, a better school for my kids, better neighborhood with less crime & less guns on the street (no guns wud be better but that's pushing it, i know...) - more LOVE, more music in the hearts of people & children, more music in schools & ART, more ways to allow their creative beautiful Wings to Fly...is that too much to ask??? This is America, the most powerful country in the world right? (or so they say.) Well, hooray for our Athletes in the Olympics, i mean, that's the kind of America i can be proud of...
I want my kids someday to have opportunities to be an athlete, artist, teacher, even a soldier for Peace if that's what he/she wants, as long as they know what they're fighting for. What Matters in our daily lives. I just want them to be Happy...cause when they're happy, i am set... I am happy.
well, so much blogging for today,
as usual, there's more, but this is the news for today, folks...
signing off for now, my little boy is calling out for some TLC,& some mamam...
yours truly,
:) what's the song for today? hmm, right, i almost forgot about that, this morning i woke up to my radio playing Chicago's "If U leave me now" - it was "special" - i loved it.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
more than U know...
Hello there I,
my daily life is sometimes very uneventful, & my dream world is sometimes more fascinating & strange...so let me tell u what i've been dreaming up this past weekend...
i don't know why it is, but this weekend, i've been waking up around 4-5am, strangely enough, for no reason, my thoughts just drift to U...i don't really know why, maybe it's the love song playing on the radio...i don't try to direct my thoughts towards wishful thinking...but, i think of what it would be like when i get a chance to talk to u again, casually, & i imagine how sweet u are to me. i just imagine ur beautiful, calm smile & i feel so warm inside. i even imagine as i sleep on that bed by myself (cause my hubby & i sleep in separate rooms now & only sleep together when we need to )...i imagine waking up beside u sleeping & staring at ur beautiful face, & waking u up by all the emotions i'm feeling just from staring at U & feeling so happy beside U....& i magine that one of these days, ur going to invite me to go out dancing...how that will happen i have no idea...ur there somewhere far-away & with ur girlfriend of course ( i often wonder if ur married by now) & i'm here with my life - my whole family that i love with me...so, that's why this stuff can only happen in dreams....
& Yet somehow it happens that u wud put ur arms around me in a tight embrace, & not let me go & u tell me things about what u've been doing since we last saw each other...& how u were thinking of me once in a while & during those times how U wud miss me for no reason...& i wud tell u how i thought of u so much just because thinking of U & ur way of Being makes me Feel so Good...how could there be such an Ideal man out there in the Universe that is so perfect For Me & yet i didn't meet till later on, after all the stupid mistakes have already been made & hard to correct?...& Life does go on no matter what road U choose. But if i had a choice, I would've wanted to meet U first, with less fears, less heartaches & less vows to break, less obligations to keep...
...but hey, this wasn't my fate. & U prbably don't believe in Fate but in making your own Fate, which i completely agree...but, Nothing. i don't even know what i'm saying toU here, u probably don't even think of me. that's why i call this my secret love affair...with myself or my ghosts? just needing to talk to myself... i just feel like i've known U from some other distant Life, like we have a connection that transcends this physical time & space...& yet you're the type who probably doesn't believe in metaphysical stuff like these, or do U? If i ever get to tell u about these things, u wud probably laugh at me, thinking it's strange since it's unexplainable & u do believe in sticking to the facts...just the facts, just what's SO...But this is what's SO with me.... the one thing really strange that got me wondering who U are to Me, was that during the last day of our seminar (where we met), that was our little graduation, i knew that i most probably will not be seeing U in the near future...& i don't know when i'll ever see U again...but the impact U had on Me for those 3 days of listening & participating in that transformation workshop was just so Immense....
I listened to U coach us thru all our problems that were presented & issues shared & how U were being a vehicle for peoples' transformations...i just couldn't help but be in awe of U, & i kept saying to mySelf, this is the kind of guy I want to marry & grow old with, & die with & be reborn with...where have U been all my Life??? that was the running question in my mind....but i have kept that quiet, or so i thought... But that night knowing that that was the last time i might see ur beautiful face & smile again, when i said goodbye to you...i had to fall in line along with all the participants who wanted to thank U, all i could say was..."I can't forget U"...don't ask me why, but those were the only words that came out of my moonstrucked heart...that must have been a full moon night...& u know what, that night riding home in the car with my hubby, who picked me up from this workshop full of negativity & doubts about it...I felt so distant from him driving next to me & distant from the rest of the world...I was staring out at the dark night imagining u on your plane ride homewards, my heart felt like it was breaking, i felt pains in my chest that i can't explain at that time, (& i could only explain now as my heart breaking inside of me) & my tears would not stop flowing...I tried to hide my tears from my hubby, but i think he saw them & was just too afraid to ask what's wrong, afraid if i tell him the truth he wud know we had no chance to stay together ...It felt like a physical pain knowing that U and I met by some angelic chance, & then having to say goodbye so soon & not even have the chance to get to know U....& yet i knew in my heart of hearts then that I loved you...& that U are the ideal man that i love & will always love...even if it's just an ideal of U, that i made up in my head, even if it may not be the real "you"....but who you were to me during those 3 full days & nights as my teacher & coach, & that last tuesday evening of our goodbye...I knew that U are the One i truly Love in my heart that will stay in my heart Forever. What i am to U, i have no idea...& what will be, i also have no idea...will we ever find each other again??? I have no idea...for now, i know that everytime i ask my heart how she's doing, she still skips to the sound of ur name, & still smiles as i imagine your gentle face & sighs when i imagine your nice warm body against mine dancing till the wee hours of the morning...U are still in my heart & it's going to be 3 years now since i last saw you, heard your voice & bask under your beautiful white light of understanding...& compassion? was that what i felt from U??... maybe that was it...maybe that was All, the loving-kindness of a beautiful, & wise & funny stranger.
so, i guess, till we meet again,
here's a song from the Manhattan Transfer, when i hear it, always reminds me of U...
"Smile Again"....
....endless nights i play solitaire,
imagining that u were here,
one night flights such heartless affairs...
they froze the hopes of love in me...
U suddenly appear,
melted all my fears,
filled me with the love i need....
U make me smile again...like a child of three...
& i believe it will turn out right baby..."
my daily life is sometimes very uneventful, & my dream world is sometimes more fascinating & strange...so let me tell u what i've been dreaming up this past weekend...
i don't know why it is, but this weekend, i've been waking up around 4-5am, strangely enough, for no reason, my thoughts just drift to U...i don't really know why, maybe it's the love song playing on the radio...i don't try to direct my thoughts towards wishful thinking...but, i think of what it would be like when i get a chance to talk to u again, casually, & i imagine how sweet u are to me. i just imagine ur beautiful, calm smile & i feel so warm inside. i even imagine as i sleep on that bed by myself (cause my hubby & i sleep in separate rooms now & only sleep together when we need to )...i imagine waking up beside u sleeping & staring at ur beautiful face, & waking u up by all the emotions i'm feeling just from staring at U & feeling so happy beside U....& i magine that one of these days, ur going to invite me to go out dancing...how that will happen i have no idea...ur there somewhere far-away & with ur girlfriend of course ( i often wonder if ur married by now) & i'm here with my life - my whole family that i love with me...so, that's why this stuff can only happen in dreams....
& Yet somehow it happens that u wud put ur arms around me in a tight embrace, & not let me go & u tell me things about what u've been doing since we last saw each other...& how u were thinking of me once in a while & during those times how U wud miss me for no reason...& i wud tell u how i thought of u so much just because thinking of U & ur way of Being makes me Feel so Good...how could there be such an Ideal man out there in the Universe that is so perfect For Me & yet i didn't meet till later on, after all the stupid mistakes have already been made & hard to correct?...& Life does go on no matter what road U choose. But if i had a choice, I would've wanted to meet U first, with less fears, less heartaches & less vows to break, less obligations to keep...
...but hey, this wasn't my fate. & U prbably don't believe in Fate but in making your own Fate, which i completely agree...but, Nothing. i don't even know what i'm saying toU here, u probably don't even think of me. that's why i call this my secret love affair...with myself or my ghosts? just needing to talk to myself... i just feel like i've known U from some other distant Life, like we have a connection that transcends this physical time & space...& yet you're the type who probably doesn't believe in metaphysical stuff like these, or do U? If i ever get to tell u about these things, u wud probably laugh at me, thinking it's strange since it's unexplainable & u do believe in sticking to the facts...just the facts, just what's SO...But this is what's SO with me.... the one thing really strange that got me wondering who U are to Me, was that during the last day of our seminar (where we met), that was our little graduation, i knew that i most probably will not be seeing U in the near future...& i don't know when i'll ever see U again...but the impact U had on Me for those 3 days of listening & participating in that transformation workshop was just so Immense....
I listened to U coach us thru all our problems that were presented & issues shared & how U were being a vehicle for peoples' transformations...i just couldn't help but be in awe of U, & i kept saying to mySelf, this is the kind of guy I want to marry & grow old with, & die with & be reborn with...where have U been all my Life??? that was the running question in my mind....but i have kept that quiet, or so i thought... But that night knowing that that was the last time i might see ur beautiful face & smile again, when i said goodbye to you...i had to fall in line along with all the participants who wanted to thank U, all i could say was..."I can't forget U"...don't ask me why, but those were the only words that came out of my moonstrucked heart...that must have been a full moon night...& u know what, that night riding home in the car with my hubby, who picked me up from this workshop full of negativity & doubts about it...I felt so distant from him driving next to me & distant from the rest of the world...I was staring out at the dark night imagining u on your plane ride homewards, my heart felt like it was breaking, i felt pains in my chest that i can't explain at that time, (& i could only explain now as my heart breaking inside of me) & my tears would not stop flowing...I tried to hide my tears from my hubby, but i think he saw them & was just too afraid to ask what's wrong, afraid if i tell him the truth he wud know we had no chance to stay together ...It felt like a physical pain knowing that U and I met by some angelic chance, & then having to say goodbye so soon & not even have the chance to get to know U....& yet i knew in my heart of hearts then that I loved you...& that U are the ideal man that i love & will always love...even if it's just an ideal of U, that i made up in my head, even if it may not be the real "you"....but who you were to me during those 3 full days & nights as my teacher & coach, & that last tuesday evening of our goodbye...I knew that U are the One i truly Love in my heart that will stay in my heart Forever. What i am to U, i have no idea...& what will be, i also have no idea...will we ever find each other again??? I have no idea...for now, i know that everytime i ask my heart how she's doing, she still skips to the sound of ur name, & still smiles as i imagine your gentle face & sighs when i imagine your nice warm body against mine dancing till the wee hours of the morning...U are still in my heart & it's going to be 3 years now since i last saw you, heard your voice & bask under your beautiful white light of understanding...& compassion? was that what i felt from U??... maybe that was it...maybe that was All, the loving-kindness of a beautiful, & wise & funny stranger.
so, i guess, till we meet again,
here's a song from the Manhattan Transfer, when i hear it, always reminds me of U...
"Smile Again"....
....endless nights i play solitaire,
imagining that u were here,
one night flights such heartless affairs...
they froze the hopes of love in me...
U suddenly appear,
melted all my fears,
filled me with the love i need....
U make me smile again...like a child of three...
& i believe it will turn out right baby..."
till then, always in my heart...
Friday, August 20, 2004
take my daughter to work day!
Hello there I,
it's friday again!!! i get to take my daughter to work today (she's 12 & she can take care of herself while i'm working...so, no problema...), also my boss is not in, the other big cheese is on vacation & it's casual day too! we get to hang out in the city after work ( which is an early day for me...i'm off by 4pm) so what better way to spend this day but with my daughter?! Moms gotta get a break too once in a while, of course Dads too should be allowed to take their kids (not toddlers of course or babies unless the company offers back-up daycare, which is great)...We just don't get enough time to spend w/ our kids when we work full-time in an ofc., the weekends are just too short!, & before we know it they're off to high school & dating & have no more time to spend w/ their cornball parents...boo hoo....anyway, if i can find a home-based business or some part-time career...that would be ideal!
anway, my daughter is rushing me...not nice), just wanted to jot down some of my to-do today:
1) try to work till about 3:30 or 4pm...keep my girl busy, she's gotta get on this computer & play some games.
2) after work, go to Chi-town - my daughter wants to go get a hair-styling/trim of her long, long hair.
3) whle in Chi-town - get some dimsum snacks & bubble tea maybe. buy some goodies for the folks at home...
4) go home, & hang-out w/ my little boy & my hubby.
(& the start of the weekend) hooray!
ok, that's it, gotta sign off...guess what song is playing right this very second....
my fave - JT's "Fire & Rain" -
(? could the day be moreperfect than this???)
...."thought i'd see U one more time again? JT asks, & i agree...i know i will see U one more time again...at least before my life expires (wow, here's the drama queen again :)
till then, au revoir mon amour,
it's friday again!!! i get to take my daughter to work today (she's 12 & she can take care of herself while i'm working...so, no problema...), also my boss is not in, the other big cheese is on vacation & it's casual day too! we get to hang out in the city after work ( which is an early day for me...i'm off by 4pm) so what better way to spend this day but with my daughter?! Moms gotta get a break too once in a while, of course Dads too should be allowed to take their kids (not toddlers of course or babies unless the company offers back-up daycare, which is great)...We just don't get enough time to spend w/ our kids when we work full-time in an ofc., the weekends are just too short!, & before we know it they're off to high school & dating & have no more time to spend w/ their cornball parents...boo hoo....anyway, if i can find a home-based business or some part-time career...that would be ideal!
anway, my daughter is rushing me...not nice), just wanted to jot down some of my to-do today:
1) try to work till about 3:30 or 4pm...keep my girl busy, she's gotta get on this computer & play some games.
2) after work, go to Chi-town - my daughter wants to go get a hair-styling/trim of her long, long hair.
3) whle in Chi-town - get some dimsum snacks & bubble tea maybe. buy some goodies for the folks at home...
4) go home, & hang-out w/ my little boy & my hubby.
(& the start of the weekend) hooray!
ok, that's it, gotta sign off...guess what song is playing right this very second....
my fave - JT's "Fire & Rain" -
(? could the day be moreperfect than this???)
...."thought i'd see U one more time again? JT asks, & i agree...i know i will see U one more time again...at least before my life expires (wow, here's the drama queen again :)
till then, au revoir mon amour,
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
should i change my blog title?
Good Morning I,
not much to say today. just been thinking that i should change my blog title...i mean if i were to write a book i wouldn't call it - "& the journey continues...", it's too cliche, over-used & beaten down the road littered with wanna-ba-writers hung-over w/ their own self-worth & obsessive thoughts...oops, not referring to me of course. so, i was debating what is a perfect title for this journal>>>
1) my secret love affair (sounds great & mysterious but corny at the same time...)
2) "Truth is stranger than fiction" - but this has been used a million times!
3) Who Am I? - is good, but too existentialist for those ordinary day--to-day musings...
4) "raison-d'etre" - cool, but i'm not even French!
5) voices in my head - this has a certain ring to it...i kinda like it, but now for the next step...
So, it's just one of those boring days, we all have lots of those...
not much to rant & rave about, & too tired to really try...i'll just take it easy today.
too early in the morning to be tired already!
well, here's one good thing, this little song playing in my head this morning was:
"Honey Pie" by the Beatles ( & a cover done by Tuck & Patti which is great too!)
...i love this song, for those cloudy,gloomy days...it's sure to pick u up.
...anyway, here goes: "honey pie, u are driving me crazy, i'm in love but i'm lazy...
la, la,la, la ...la, honey pie, my position is tragic...i'm in love but it's ...."
( i don't know all the lyrics...sorry).
but the melody & the rhythym sure is good...
so till then,
happy singing,
now it's 5:10 pm (NY time)
i just changed my blog title to : voices in my head.... ( not the most original i know, but somehow this resonates more for me right now...i'm sure i could change it again later on, during the many more blogs, months & months later...) ohh, i forgot another good one, "talking to myself" or "writing for herself" (but that's not in 1st person, which I AM.) this is so great, i don't feel lonely & alone knowing so many people out there are also blogging their funny tragic life stories...
life is amazingly simple & complex at the same time...
well till the next blog, SEE Y'All.
not much to say today. just been thinking that i should change my blog title...i mean if i were to write a book i wouldn't call it - "& the journey continues...", it's too cliche, over-used & beaten down the road littered with wanna-ba-writers hung-over w/ their own self-worth & obsessive thoughts...oops, not referring to me of course. so, i was debating what is a perfect title for this journal>>>
1) my secret love affair (sounds great & mysterious but corny at the same time...)
2) "Truth is stranger than fiction" - but this has been used a million times!
3) Who Am I? - is good, but too existentialist for those ordinary day--to-day musings...
4) "raison-d'etre" - cool, but i'm not even French!
5) voices in my head - this has a certain ring to it...i kinda like it, but now for the next step...
So, it's just one of those boring days, we all have lots of those...
not much to rant & rave about, & too tired to really try...i'll just take it easy today.
too early in the morning to be tired already!
well, here's one good thing, this little song playing in my head this morning was:
"Honey Pie" by the Beatles ( & a cover done by Tuck & Patti which is great too!)
...i love this song, for those cloudy,gloomy days...it's sure to pick u up.
...anyway, here goes: "honey pie, u are driving me crazy, i'm in love but i'm lazy...
la, la,la, la ...la, honey pie, my position is tragic...i'm in love but it's ...."
( i don't know all the lyrics...sorry).
but the melody & the rhythym sure is good...
so till then,
happy singing,
now it's 5:10 pm (NY time)
i just changed my blog title to : voices in my head.... ( not the most original i know, but somehow this resonates more for me right now...i'm sure i could change it again later on, during the many more blogs, months & months later...) ohh, i forgot another good one, "talking to myself" or "writing for herself" (but that's not in 1st person, which I AM.) this is so great, i don't feel lonely & alone knowing so many people out there are also blogging their funny tragic life stories...
life is amazingly simple & complex at the same time...
well till the next blog, SEE Y'All.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
do U get me?
good morning I,
sometimes i think only my kids "get" me. nobody else in the world can get me all the time. my 12 yr old girl knows exactly when i'm getting grumpy before i even recognize it myself...(talk abt an early warning device!) she's great that way...she goes: "Mom, why are u grumpy?" & i yell back "No, i'm not!, i'm just...Wow, ur right, i am a little pissed off...& then i stop & think..." so she's wonderful to have around. & then my little one, has a way of melting my heart. never fails. whatever mood i'm in, he heightens it into a positive note...every morning, before i leave for work i have to kiss him & greet him a beautiful morning even tho. he's still sleeping...just looking at his face makes my day. but on the weekends, forgedaboudit! he becomes some kind of a little dictator around the house...yelling orders like: "I want cartoons!", " I want ma-mam & i want ma-mam now!", or "Mommy, let's play!! U be this soldier, & i be that"...."or U be Rocky & i be Billy! (from his Rescue Heroes)....& wakes up the whole house to serve him...& now that he's potty trained, he goes to the toilet by himself like a big guy, my swashbuckling cowboy/soldier...I got him allright. i really should count my blessings...at least there's 2 people in the world who can totally take me for who i am...not even my husband can get me.
...u know those moments when ur only trying to communicate something & all these other stuff come up, & u just wanna give up & shut down...my husband doesn't get that all i'm saying is:
"can u pls. understand me thru all this confusion?" instead of judging me...asking why, & bringing back what was said & done before...saying stuff like, "don't be starting something again..." when i'm not trying to start anything really, just reaching out...can U hear me?
that's why, God blessed me with these two very intuitive & sensitive kids who know me before i even say anything...they GOT what it is i'm trying to say or make happen, & when something is not happening, they also know there is something missing...& it melts my heart every time one of them asks me: "why are u mad Mommy?", & both of us get stopped on our one sided-track ( a train wreck waiting to happen) & we go, "no baby, Mom & Daddy are just talking..." or some lame excuse... "trying to have a conversation..." & we become quiet, lost in our own train of thoughts.
that kinda summarizes our 5-year marriage...still trying to have a conversation...a real conversation.
...hmm, what brought this up? i don't know, just missing my kids during some free time at work. i'm so pathetic!
but hey, i don't want to dampen anybody's day that's turning out to be sunny & gorgeous after all...despite the weather forecast,
so, "keeping on the sunny side"...
till then,
sometimes i think only my kids "get" me. nobody else in the world can get me all the time. my 12 yr old girl knows exactly when i'm getting grumpy before i even recognize it myself...(talk abt an early warning device!) she's great that way...she goes: "Mom, why are u grumpy?" & i yell back "No, i'm not!, i'm just...Wow, ur right, i am a little pissed off...& then i stop & think..." so she's wonderful to have around. & then my little one, has a way of melting my heart. never fails. whatever mood i'm in, he heightens it into a positive note...every morning, before i leave for work i have to kiss him & greet him a beautiful morning even tho. he's still sleeping...just looking at his face makes my day. but on the weekends, forgedaboudit! he becomes some kind of a little dictator around the house...yelling orders like: "I want cartoons!", " I want ma-mam & i want ma-mam now!", or "Mommy, let's play!! U be this soldier, & i be that"...."or U be Rocky & i be Billy! (from his Rescue Heroes)....& wakes up the whole house to serve him...& now that he's potty trained, he goes to the toilet by himself like a big guy, my swashbuckling cowboy/soldier...I got him allright. i really should count my blessings...at least there's 2 people in the world who can totally take me for who i am...not even my husband can get me.
...u know those moments when ur only trying to communicate something & all these other stuff come up, & u just wanna give up & shut down...my husband doesn't get that all i'm saying is:
"can u pls. understand me thru all this confusion?" instead of judging me...asking why, & bringing back what was said & done before...saying stuff like, "don't be starting something again..." when i'm not trying to start anything really, just reaching out...can U hear me?
that's why, God blessed me with these two very intuitive & sensitive kids who know me before i even say anything...they GOT what it is i'm trying to say or make happen, & when something is not happening, they also know there is something missing...& it melts my heart every time one of them asks me: "why are u mad Mommy?", & both of us get stopped on our one sided-track ( a train wreck waiting to happen) & we go, "no baby, Mom & Daddy are just talking..." or some lame excuse... "trying to have a conversation..." & we become quiet, lost in our own train of thoughts.
that kinda summarizes our 5-year marriage...still trying to have a conversation...a real conversation.
...hmm, what brought this up? i don't know, just missing my kids during some free time at work. i'm so pathetic!
but hey, i don't want to dampen anybody's day that's turning out to be sunny & gorgeous after all...despite the weather forecast,
so, "keeping on the sunny side"...
till then,
Monday, August 16, 2004
daydreaming...about a lighthouse
it's too early in the week to be daydreaming i know, i usually reserve these for night time solitude...
but, like i always say, what else can i do? (it beats sitting here & staring at a blank screen w/ the blinking cursor... )
what do i daydream the most about?....Hmmm, that's easy...
...i always imagine that "ideal love", that "ideal man" that i've never met, or maybe... bumped into once in my life...but just don't have the courage to rearrange my whole life for...to see, if perhaps, he truly is the One...if there ever is a One?...
well, not to be cynical, i do believe there is a One, a soulmate, but that there are also "soul-mates" in one's lifetime...your best friends, your EX-es, your kids, your family, your soul-group...& depending on the Karma that you need to relive and reinvent...you either are blessed to be with that soulmate or doomed to walk this earth like a heart without a proper home...
... i know, i'm really vague when it comes to matters of the heart...that's my weakness, my "achilles' heel", that's where i go giberrish... did u see that movie "Troy" ( i mean, it's hollywoodized of course) but, the most touching scene for me was, the last moments of Achilles when he realized his true love, & ready to defend his loved one to the death, ready to change into a less bitter man...but as fate would have it, the prince Paris shot an arrow to his heel not knowing he was on their side... that became his downfall...the most celebrated warrior of that time... It's a tragedy of course, like most Greek myths...but it makes me think... what if?
what if, by my own undoing, because i am so jaded about relationships...& because i still don't know what that "ideal relationship" is...ok, so there's no ideal relationship, u gotta keep working on it...well,
what if there is one...where it is less work because you are the perfect match, like peas in a pod...like the Yin to your Yang & vice versa... so, here i go believing in my heart that there is a possibility of finding that true love that is complete...without too much trying...it's just there... it just IS, and how do U know for sure?
for no reason but, that u feel it most when you're together...& even when apart...it's just there....
(sigh) but like the jaded Achilles, i might be walking around, one of the many wounded (by war of the hearts)...like a lost soul searching for its harbor...seeing a vague vision of a lighthouse from a distance, far-away from her reality...but visible through a fog...what if? that light is what's real, & this reality that can crush the spirit from life sometimes, is what is not...because it is something that i have fabricated from all the mis-steps, like a mistake built on top of a mistake, to cover-up the fact that i might have made a bigger mistake?! oh God, how does one get out of that one?! (read to the tune from Rolling Stones "Paint It Black")...
trying to make right what's wrong... or trying to right a wrong from a negative place??...it only works in Mathematics right?... 2 negatives equals a positive?...but 2 positives is even better!... i hate dichotomies!
it doesn't have to be so black & white...
well, that's the sort of daydreaming that i find myself getting lost in once in a while...not too often of course...or i will be walking towards the deep end again my friend...& no, i'm not gonna go there...
till then... still dreaming,
but, like i always say, what else can i do? (it beats sitting here & staring at a blank screen w/ the blinking cursor... )
what do i daydream the most about?....Hmmm, that's easy...
...i always imagine that "ideal love", that "ideal man" that i've never met, or maybe... bumped into once in my life...but just don't have the courage to rearrange my whole life for...to see, if perhaps, he truly is the One...if there ever is a One?...
well, not to be cynical, i do believe there is a One, a soulmate, but that there are also "soul-mates" in one's lifetime...your best friends, your EX-es, your kids, your family, your soul-group...& depending on the Karma that you need to relive and reinvent...you either are blessed to be with that soulmate or doomed to walk this earth like a heart without a proper home...
... i know, i'm really vague when it comes to matters of the heart...that's my weakness, my "achilles' heel", that's where i go giberrish... did u see that movie "Troy" ( i mean, it's hollywoodized of course) but, the most touching scene for me was, the last moments of Achilles when he realized his true love, & ready to defend his loved one to the death, ready to change into a less bitter man...but as fate would have it, the prince Paris shot an arrow to his heel not knowing he was on their side... that became his downfall...the most celebrated warrior of that time... It's a tragedy of course, like most Greek myths...but it makes me think... what if?
what if, by my own undoing, because i am so jaded about relationships...& because i still don't know what that "ideal relationship" is...ok, so there's no ideal relationship, u gotta keep working on it...well,
what if there is one...where it is less work because you are the perfect match, like peas in a pod...like the Yin to your Yang & vice versa... so, here i go believing in my heart that there is a possibility of finding that true love that is complete...without too much trying...it's just there... it just IS, and how do U know for sure?
for no reason but, that u feel it most when you're together...& even when apart...it's just there....
(sigh) but like the jaded Achilles, i might be walking around, one of the many wounded (by war of the hearts)...like a lost soul searching for its harbor...seeing a vague vision of a lighthouse from a distance, far-away from her reality...but visible through a fog...what if? that light is what's real, & this reality that can crush the spirit from life sometimes, is what is not...because it is something that i have fabricated from all the mis-steps, like a mistake built on top of a mistake, to cover-up the fact that i might have made a bigger mistake?! oh God, how does one get out of that one?! (read to the tune from Rolling Stones "Paint It Black")...
trying to make right what's wrong... or trying to right a wrong from a negative place??...it only works in Mathematics right?... 2 negatives equals a positive?...but 2 positives is even better!... i hate dichotomies!
it doesn't have to be so black & white...
well, that's the sort of daydreaming that i find myself getting lost in once in a while...not too often of course...or i will be walking towards the deep end again my friend...& no, i'm not gonna go there...
till then... still dreaming,
just another monday...
good morning I,
it's rainy again in NYC, i was falling asleep in my commute...nice relaxing ferry ride is always better than the packed-like-sardines-subway. it just takes a little more time...time enough to read a book, read ur newspaper, or as for me this morning, just thinking of nothing (for a change) & just dozing off to the sight of the waves.
...someone once told me that he always pictures me close to the water, maybe i look like a mermaid? (or perhaps sing like one, i wish?!) ...well i am from the islands, my earliest memories of weekends with my family were always spent picnicking on sandy beaches...i'm sure if i had enough money, i wud live by the water...a little beach cottage & i wud be really happy :)
well, how was my weekend? it was good. i did a lot of my things-to-do, shopped for back-to-school clothes & supplies for my daughter, went to a children's party on sunday (lots of family & food), did my laundry, cleaned around the house a little, watched some Olympic games, what else...cooked a little, that's about it...
& now it's back to monday, rainy from the remnants of Hurrican Charley & Bonnie from the South...
i think i'll take it slow today...what else can i do?
it's really great when i can have lots of time to think, & not stress out. that's why i "opted out" from a corporate to a non-profit job i guess. my real reason was just to spend more time & energy with what's important to me more than my job - my Self, my family... & around that time i got pregnant with my second child & got married again- all when i was just starting out here on this job...also working here makes me feel good - the knowing that i can contribute in my own small way to making a difference in people's lives...those in need.
but my next goal is to make a more direct connection to making a difference - a career where i can really see & experience firsthand how i can help people, i wanna focus more on children...cause when i'm around kids, my own & other little munchkins, i get so much JOY & working with them will not feel like work at all. So, my goal is to change careers, maybe become an early education teacher, or special ed. (which i hear is very challenging) or maybe become a school counselor...i have lots of experience in dealing with troubled kids - starting w/ my self, then my hubby & all my other Ex-es!
so, i'll take it step by step, & hopefully one day, i will be writing here & logging in about my days in school...
for now, here in the school of life...
one baby step at a time,
it's rainy again in NYC, i was falling asleep in my commute...nice relaxing ferry ride is always better than the packed-like-sardines-subway. it just takes a little more time...time enough to read a book, read ur newspaper, or as for me this morning, just thinking of nothing (for a change) & just dozing off to the sight of the waves.
...someone once told me that he always pictures me close to the water, maybe i look like a mermaid? (or perhaps sing like one, i wish?!) ...well i am from the islands, my earliest memories of weekends with my family were always spent picnicking on sandy beaches...i'm sure if i had enough money, i wud live by the water...a little beach cottage & i wud be really happy :)
well, how was my weekend? it was good. i did a lot of my things-to-do, shopped for back-to-school clothes & supplies for my daughter, went to a children's party on sunday (lots of family & food), did my laundry, cleaned around the house a little, watched some Olympic games, what else...cooked a little, that's about it...
& now it's back to monday, rainy from the remnants of Hurrican Charley & Bonnie from the South...
i think i'll take it slow today...what else can i do?
it's really great when i can have lots of time to think, & not stress out. that's why i "opted out" from a corporate to a non-profit job i guess. my real reason was just to spend more time & energy with what's important to me more than my job - my Self, my family... & around that time i got pregnant with my second child & got married again- all when i was just starting out here on this job...also working here makes me feel good - the knowing that i can contribute in my own small way to making a difference in people's lives...those in need.
but my next goal is to make a more direct connection to making a difference - a career where i can really see & experience firsthand how i can help people, i wanna focus more on children...cause when i'm around kids, my own & other little munchkins, i get so much JOY & working with them will not feel like work at all. So, my goal is to change careers, maybe become an early education teacher, or special ed. (which i hear is very challenging) or maybe become a school counselor...i have lots of experience in dealing with troubled kids - starting w/ my self, then my hubby & all my other Ex-es!
so, i'll take it step by step, & hopefully one day, i will be writing here & logging in about my days in school...
for now, here in the school of life...
one baby step at a time,
Friday, August 13, 2004
friday the 13th...
good morning I, good morning All...after i checked my work emails this is the first thing i opened...i think this could definitely grow on me like a bad habit. (not that my boss will mind, at least it makes it seem like i'm so busy & serious on some project)...anyway, today i felt like treating myself so i got my favorite starbucks coffee grande w/ soy & the marble loaf! Hmm, & as i'm enjoying it, i meditate on what's new today...
well, aside from noting that it is friday - whoopee!, the 13th! no big deal, i don't believe in superstitions...the conversations i had w/ some regular folks on the bus & ferry seemed to revolve around the next President (hopefully!) John Kerry...also where we'll be during the coming dreaded Republican convention here in our city...why of all places did they have to pick NY?! i mean haven't we gone thru enough already?! after 9-11, the deadly SI Ferry crash, the sudden unemployments, the Bloombergization, FOX 5 biased news (thank God i hardly watch that news, i'm an NBC fan)... It's no wonder why I along w/ a lot of other working parents i get a chance to speak w/ are considering packing our bags & taking the U-Haul to search for a new life...a better life from here? who knows. only time will tell. my brother lives down south (of Georgia) & so is my hubby's sister's family so...at least there's equal representation from both families there. If push comes to shove, there's always some place to run to.
but as i was saying, i'm glad that there is a renewed interest in this voting process...but we still talk abt. the bitterness after all that confusion & whatever-happened-to-the-Florida-votes?...maybe people have grown cynical? ...Maybe. but after 4 years of nothing & this stupid purported Iraq war!, maybe people are at the point of vomitting...enough is enough.
i know they're talking abt the politics of "hope" but if that's the only thing left to keep working class folks such as me going, feeling like maybe a change is gonna come...well then i am all for HOPE...
i always remember where hope came from, especially for me as a kid growing up w/ a lot of "family drama", bitter images of 2 loving parents going thru their own crises, staging their tragic-comedies not realizing the little ones ( the formative not so little teeny sons & daughter) had to sit at home & witness this passion play...while at the same time trying to stay sane & make the grade in school...well, u know what i mean....
...I always turned to that greek mythology about Pandora's box, where all sorts of evils & monsters have been opened & released to the world....yikes, kinda reminds me of where WE are right now in our times...look at all the funny evil stuff shown in the movies...(i just can't be bothered watching horror flicks anymore...why raise my adrenaline for that??) ...anyway, what remained in that box, waiting to come out & redeem what's lost, what's forgotten...the last thing that remained in that box, the only thing that could give back Love & Peace to people is HOPE...
so, whatever they wanna call it, Politics of Hope, "Help is on the Way"... well i'd rather believe in something good...that there is still some inherent goodness in all of us, & that we will go out there to cast our vote for Hope - John & John, isn't that something? it's almost a sign...they have got to win this time. I don't care anymore whatever vile (which when scrambled up - comes out w/ the word evil)...stuff i hear in this coming republican convention...i just hope it's not gonna be violent around here...hey this is my city too, u know, i live & work here....what about us little folks?! pls. don't cause more trouble than what we've been through...we have families to support too u know.
anyway, there was even 1 older guy on the bus, who listened to the Democratic convention & liked what he heard....who used to be a republican, w/ a son in the Navy or something like that...who thinks that this time he will swing more towards becoming a democrat...Well, that is hopeful.
...maybe a change is brewing, a good brew just like my coffee...hmmm,
till then, happy trails,
:)
well, aside from noting that it is friday - whoopee!, the 13th! no big deal, i don't believe in superstitions...the conversations i had w/ some regular folks on the bus & ferry seemed to revolve around the next President (hopefully!) John Kerry...also where we'll be during the coming dreaded Republican convention here in our city...why of all places did they have to pick NY?! i mean haven't we gone thru enough already?! after 9-11, the deadly SI Ferry crash, the sudden unemployments, the Bloombergization, FOX 5 biased news (thank God i hardly watch that news, i'm an NBC fan)... It's no wonder why I along w/ a lot of other working parents i get a chance to speak w/ are considering packing our bags & taking the U-Haul to search for a new life...a better life from here? who knows. only time will tell. my brother lives down south (of Georgia) & so is my hubby's sister's family so...at least there's equal representation from both families there. If push comes to shove, there's always some place to run to.
but as i was saying, i'm glad that there is a renewed interest in this voting process...but we still talk abt. the bitterness after all that confusion & whatever-happened-to-the-Florida-votes?...maybe people have grown cynical? ...Maybe. but after 4 years of nothing & this stupid purported Iraq war!, maybe people are at the point of vomitting...enough is enough.
i know they're talking abt the politics of "hope" but if that's the only thing left to keep working class folks such as me going, feeling like maybe a change is gonna come...well then i am all for HOPE...
i always remember where hope came from, especially for me as a kid growing up w/ a lot of "family drama", bitter images of 2 loving parents going thru their own crises, staging their tragic-comedies not realizing the little ones ( the formative not so little teeny sons & daughter) had to sit at home & witness this passion play...while at the same time trying to stay sane & make the grade in school...well, u know what i mean....
...I always turned to that greek mythology about Pandora's box, where all sorts of evils & monsters have been opened & released to the world....yikes, kinda reminds me of where WE are right now in our times...look at all the funny evil stuff shown in the movies...(i just can't be bothered watching horror flicks anymore...why raise my adrenaline for that??) ...anyway, what remained in that box, waiting to come out & redeem what's lost, what's forgotten...the last thing that remained in that box, the only thing that could give back Love & Peace to people is HOPE...
so, whatever they wanna call it, Politics of Hope, "Help is on the Way"... well i'd rather believe in something good...that there is still some inherent goodness in all of us, & that we will go out there to cast our vote for Hope - John & John, isn't that something? it's almost a sign...they have got to win this time. I don't care anymore whatever vile (which when scrambled up - comes out w/ the word evil)...stuff i hear in this coming republican convention...i just hope it's not gonna be violent around here...hey this is my city too, u know, i live & work here....what about us little folks?! pls. don't cause more trouble than what we've been through...we have families to support too u know.
anyway, there was even 1 older guy on the bus, who listened to the Democratic convention & liked what he heard....who used to be a republican, w/ a son in the Navy or something like that...who thinks that this time he will swing more towards becoming a democrat...Well, that is hopeful.
...maybe a change is brewing, a good brew just like my coffee...hmmm,
till then, happy trails,
:)
Thursday, August 12, 2004
so why am i blogging?
i guess i just have too much time on my hands right now...my job is kinda seasonally busy...& it seems we're getting more & more into the not-so-busy season...yeah, i know it's gonna be my problem soon, but i already started to cover my bases on that one...i've started sending out my resume, posting online at all the job sites, Monster, careerbuilder, yahoo hotjobs, ajc.com, co. sites u name it... i do get tired trying to make 1 cover ltr seem better than the next one...& my work experience? my 1-page resume that's supposed to be able to tell a future employer just how great a worker i am, & just how lucky they will be to hire someone like me...(who mtm, loves to float around w/ her head in the air, writing journals saved on my c:drive, now this...the freedom of blogging has found me!...oh boy, wait until u hear all i could write about...my life, people's lives, my fantasies, & the realities, the little cubes we revolve in just gets too cramped for me...i can't even express myself anymore...i meant to say, it's too damned cramped for me! i probably just need this space & VOILA, here it is. Thanks to the founders of this blogging revolution... )
well, where was i? the questions why...
why am i blogging now...aside from having too much time, i also got too much energy in my brains that don't get much practice. i suppose, reading books in my morning & afternoon commute, my daily relating with my family, the household chores, the chats with friends, the boxes of "things to do", what else? the music that's been put on the shelf, the website that is somewhere sitting in my c:drive with tons of cool stuff...waiting to be ...what? waiting to be worked on?....no, more like ...waiting to be recovered, discovered, whatever...since i've recovered from my "dark" days...i've been taking my time...taking long deep breaths instead of hurried and stressed from too much energy that needs to come out...cause came out it did...
out in the deep end where nobody dare go...Only the brave can come back from where my mind have been traipsing...travelling i call it... my mini vacations...but that's in the past.
anyway, so why again?
because, i can...right now, right here.
& if for some paranoic reasons (of mine)...i won't be able to anymore (that's in the future)
... Alas (with heavy drama)...i'll probably turn to reading Shakespeare and sporting black reading glasses, become a teacher's assistant or a librarian or something very obscurely safe like that...I love safety, i love anonymity - that's why i'm here (how ironic!)...
But yes, i do love anonymity...even with all my talents that were waiting to explode, & sometimes they did...like little sparks, or shooting stars...i still love to be able to just BE...
just be with mySelf, with all my contradictions...i don't anymore try to find reasons for them cause that only exhausted me & everyone trying to understand or the better word is...trying to put me in a box...
at least here, i'm in a limitless box, within a box....so, i'm almost like, i'm imagining being under beautiful crystal clear blue waters, my eyes open & seeing everything there is to appreciate & see...but really, i'm in my cube...like a mini-aquarium...I should've named myself after some favorite fish...but i didn't think of that before....hmm, cause maybe i don't know the names of my favorite fishes (they're tropical fishes, i also love goldfishes, someday i will have my own pond with a Japanese garden)...that's my dream...
for now, i better sign off...i still need my paycheck to paycheck, until the next job/career comes along...i know, it won't just come along...of course i'm searching but i just need a little creative mindbreak right now...
my thanks to the bloggers.com' founding fathers & mothers again...
what else wud i have been doing if not this right now?....
(probably getting bored, checking more job-searching sites, how much more can i search, before i have to start paying some Agent to find me another job that i'll probably get tired of too)
well, maybe if i just sit here & talk to myself...that "dream job" will come to me...yeah right. maybe it will come in a dream!
...maybe, if "Muhammad can't go to the mountain, maybe the mountain will come to Muhammad"...i've always believed in that...oops, that should be the other way around isnt it?
"...if the mountain doesn't come to Muhammad, Muhammad will go to the mountain!"...right on.
happy trails, till then,
still searching,
well, where was i? the questions why...
why am i blogging now...aside from having too much time, i also got too much energy in my brains that don't get much practice. i suppose, reading books in my morning & afternoon commute, my daily relating with my family, the household chores, the chats with friends, the boxes of "things to do", what else? the music that's been put on the shelf, the website that is somewhere sitting in my c:drive with tons of cool stuff...waiting to be ...what? waiting to be worked on?....no, more like ...waiting to be recovered, discovered, whatever...since i've recovered from my "dark" days...i've been taking my time...taking long deep breaths instead of hurried and stressed from too much energy that needs to come out...cause came out it did...
out in the deep end where nobody dare go...Only the brave can come back from where my mind have been traipsing...travelling i call it... my mini vacations...but that's in the past.
anyway, so why again?
because, i can...right now, right here.
& if for some paranoic reasons (of mine)...i won't be able to anymore (that's in the future)
... Alas (with heavy drama)...i'll probably turn to reading Shakespeare and sporting black reading glasses, become a teacher's assistant or a librarian or something very obscurely safe like that...I love safety, i love anonymity - that's why i'm here (how ironic!)...
But yes, i do love anonymity...even with all my talents that were waiting to explode, & sometimes they did...like little sparks, or shooting stars...i still love to be able to just BE...
just be with mySelf, with all my contradictions...i don't anymore try to find reasons for them cause that only exhausted me & everyone trying to understand or the better word is...trying to put me in a box...
at least here, i'm in a limitless box, within a box....so, i'm almost like, i'm imagining being under beautiful crystal clear blue waters, my eyes open & seeing everything there is to appreciate & see...but really, i'm in my cube...like a mini-aquarium...I should've named myself after some favorite fish...but i didn't think of that before....hmm, cause maybe i don't know the names of my favorite fishes (they're tropical fishes, i also love goldfishes, someday i will have my own pond with a Japanese garden)...that's my dream...
for now, i better sign off...i still need my paycheck to paycheck, until the next job/career comes along...i know, it won't just come along...of course i'm searching but i just need a little creative mindbreak right now...
my thanks to the bloggers.com' founding fathers & mothers again...
what else wud i have been doing if not this right now?....
(probably getting bored, checking more job-searching sites, how much more can i search, before i have to start paying some Agent to find me another job that i'll probably get tired of too)
well, maybe if i just sit here & talk to myself...that "dream job" will come to me...yeah right. maybe it will come in a dream!
...maybe, if "Muhammad can't go to the mountain, maybe the mountain will come to Muhammad"...i've always believed in that...oops, that should be the other way around isnt it?
"...if the mountain doesn't come to Muhammad, Muhammad will go to the mountain!"...right on.
happy trails, till then,
still searching,
i don't know how to start...
i feel so lucky to have found this "free" and "free-ing" space...by some stroke of luck my friend sent me a link to a website "HotorNot" so i can check out her new guy & i checked it out & found it really stupid, but funny, serves its purpose i guess...but at least it led me to this blogger site & now i'm happy. i got enough time on my hands at the moment just to think and blog...maybe i should just make this totally private & nobody can read my mind, but i figured what the heck i am ms. anonymous anyway...i'm afraid my husband will find out about my thoughts & discover i'm becoming more of a stranger to him, yet we live together under the same roof deciding it's best for our kid, doing our best to stay together for our boy - he's so wonderful and kids are so fragile that it's difficult for me to make that move again, but, trying to stay in love? or is there still enough love to see us through???...i've been through it once before in this same lifetime...going thru another divorce just seems so daunting, like another mountain to climb...altho. i was a mountaineer back in school, that was a longg time ago...now i'm full of insecurities. I'm afraid that my actions of wanting my freedom again, will create a bad domino effect on my kids...what if, & all the other what ifs come up, & i hear them constantly... the noise around my home...when i'm just trying to build the perfect home for me, the perfect space & room to grow with my kids... i've made my mistakes...but who hasn't?
so what if he finds out about my new "escape", my blogs, then what the heck, maybe it's about time he meets the "real" me, not the one he wants me to be, his wife...the stranger. I wish Life was much simpler than what i've created...& i wonder, why do we make the choices we made despite the warning voices in our heads? the nagging doubts...when will there ever be no doubts? That's what i'm searching for...
till then,
so what if he finds out about my new "escape", my blogs, then what the heck, maybe it's about time he meets the "real" me, not the one he wants me to be, his wife...the stranger. I wish Life was much simpler than what i've created...& i wonder, why do we make the choices we made despite the warning voices in our heads? the nagging doubts...when will there ever be no doubts? That's what i'm searching for...
till then,
Friday, August 01, 2003
the beginning - a flashback
Journal entry
Aug. 1, 2003
I feel like I’m waiting for something, waiting to get better, waiting be freed from this dark depression…waiting day in and day out, week to week, feeling lucky if I can make it from one month to the next without any breakdowns, & with very small improvements (better than no improvements of course)…but waiting in a painstaking way that almost drives me crazy, waiting in a mind-numbing way for things to get better.
Sometimes I ask God, what have I done to deserve this kind of illness…I must have done some bad things that I need to be punished for now…but it’s not my fault I got sick…it’s a chemical imbalance, I’m just scared if I have to live with this all my life…or will I get back to normal? What is normal after this episode? I wonder what will be considered normal for me after this year of numbness and lack of motivation for anything.
Everyone around me can see some improvements, they say I’m smiling more now, & I can laugh a little more…but what they don’t see is that inside sometimes I still feel that quiet desperation that my life is going on a dead-end street, that my life is going nowhere, & I don’t even know where to start to make some changes to find that elusive happiness for myself and my life with my family. This quiet desperation pervades my entire being & I hope it’s only because I’m still under the cloud of depression, & that someday soon it will lift & I could see some hope in my life after all.
Aug. 1, 2003
I feel like I’m waiting for something, waiting to get better, waiting be freed from this dark depression…waiting day in and day out, week to week, feeling lucky if I can make it from one month to the next without any breakdowns, & with very small improvements (better than no improvements of course)…but waiting in a painstaking way that almost drives me crazy, waiting in a mind-numbing way for things to get better.
Sometimes I ask God, what have I done to deserve this kind of illness…I must have done some bad things that I need to be punished for now…but it’s not my fault I got sick…it’s a chemical imbalance, I’m just scared if I have to live with this all my life…or will I get back to normal? What is normal after this episode? I wonder what will be considered normal for me after this year of numbness and lack of motivation for anything.
Everyone around me can see some improvements, they say I’m smiling more now, & I can laugh a little more…but what they don’t see is that inside sometimes I still feel that quiet desperation that my life is going on a dead-end street, that my life is going nowhere, & I don’t even know where to start to make some changes to find that elusive happiness for myself and my life with my family. This quiet desperation pervades my entire being & I hope it’s only because I’m still under the cloud of depression, & that someday soon it will lift & I could see some hope in my life after all.
Wednesday, December 19, 2001
this is where i started
MY DECLARATION OF WHO I AM
I am MAYA, Jessica MAYA
I AM 1 little candle
Burning bright as I can…
I AM SEEKER
Seeker of the FLAME…
I AM SEEKER
Seeker of the TRUTH,
Or some truths, or No Truths,
I AM NOT yet FREE…as I truly want to BE,
yet sometimes in rare moments, I FIND
I already AM
Just don’t know how to GET there…
GET there from HERE
I AM MAYA, Mother of CREATION
My daughter MALAYA (the ONE that's FREE)
My latest invention DIEGO RAY, 5 years YOUNG,
Shines like the SUN,
With EYES that can pierce your SOUL…
THROUGH ME THESE 2 CAME...
FROM THEM I ARRIVED
At a place SO SACRED
WHERE I ENDURED – SURVIVED – LOVE MY LIFE.
NOW I AM CREATING
MY OWN SACRED SPACE
ONE THAT NEEDS LOTS OF LIGHT
TO GUIDE ME OUT OF THAT DARK TUNNEL,
MY OWN SACRED SPACE…
ONE THAT NEEDS LOTS OF WATERING
TO NURTURE MY SPIRIT
ONE THAT NEEDS AIR AND SPACE
FOR MY FANCIES AND FLIGHTS
ONE WHERE I DON’T HAVE TO PUT UP A FIGHT
ONE WHERE I CAN HOLD MY HEART'S DESIRE
ONE WHERE I CAN FIND PEACE IN BEING ONE
ONE WHERE I CAN REST MY HEAD AWHILE
ONE WHERE I CAN CONTINUE TO HEAL INSIDE
ONE WHERE I CAN BE JUST ME,
NO OTHER.
ONE WHERE I AM FREE,
NO ONE WILL BOTHER
ONE WHERE I CAN SCREAM, KICK & HOLLER
WHENEVER I NEED TO FACE MY OWN DEMONS
ONE WHERE I CAN LISTEN TO THE SPACES
THOSE INNER, INNER SPACES WHERE
NO ONE DARE VENTURE
ONLY THE BRAVE & ONE OF TRUE NATURE
AND IN MY OWN SACRED SPACE
I SHALL WAIT FOR THAT ONE
MY ONE & ONLY BRAVE
MY ONE OF TRUE NATURE.
What else AM I, what else is there YOU might ASK?
What U SEE is what U GET
But not all the time…
WHAT I AM IS STILL EVOLVING
AS I AM REVOLVING
IN THE SPACES OF MY CHOOSING
CAUSE THAT'S MY CHOOSING
And what I AM IS FULL OF LOVE
MY CUP DOES OVERFLOW
AND HOW THAT ALL CAME TO BEING
IT JUST DAWNED ON ME
WHEN ONE MOMENT IN INFINITY
A LIGHT SO BRIGHT
SHONE ON ME….
AND A KNOWING CAME TO
WHAT I AM,
THAT I HAVE KNOWN THAT LIGHT
FROM WHEN AND WHERE I KNOW NOT,
BUT THAT IT CAME
FROM THAT ONE KNIGHT
WITHIN THAT ONE SPACE & TIME
WHEN ALL QUESTIONS WERE OPENED
AND ALL PAST BE FORGOT
AM I WHOLE?
AM I COMPLETE?
AND I DECLARED YES!
BUT MAYBE, I'M NOT?
…YET… FOR FEAR OF FLIGHT.
THAT IS WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW….
IN THE HERE AND NOW.
(dec.19.2001 - © jessica m. velasquez. all rights reserved)
end.
I am MAYA, Jessica MAYA
I AM 1 little candle
Burning bright as I can…
I AM SEEKER
Seeker of the FLAME…
I AM SEEKER
Seeker of the TRUTH,
Or some truths, or No Truths,
I AM NOT yet FREE…as I truly want to BE,
yet sometimes in rare moments, I FIND
I already AM
Just don’t know how to GET there…
GET there from HERE
I AM MAYA, Mother of CREATION
My daughter MALAYA (the ONE that's FREE)
My latest invention DIEGO RAY, 5 years YOUNG,
Shines like the SUN,
With EYES that can pierce your SOUL…
THROUGH ME THESE 2 CAME...
FROM THEM I ARRIVED
At a place SO SACRED
WHERE I ENDURED – SURVIVED – LOVE MY LIFE.
NOW I AM CREATING
MY OWN SACRED SPACE
ONE THAT NEEDS LOTS OF LIGHT
TO GUIDE ME OUT OF THAT DARK TUNNEL,
MY OWN SACRED SPACE…
ONE THAT NEEDS LOTS OF WATERING
TO NURTURE MY SPIRIT
ONE THAT NEEDS AIR AND SPACE
FOR MY FANCIES AND FLIGHTS
ONE WHERE I DON’T HAVE TO PUT UP A FIGHT
ONE WHERE I CAN HOLD MY HEART'S DESIRE
ONE WHERE I CAN FIND PEACE IN BEING ONE
ONE WHERE I CAN REST MY HEAD AWHILE
ONE WHERE I CAN CONTINUE TO HEAL INSIDE
ONE WHERE I CAN BE JUST ME,
NO OTHER.
ONE WHERE I AM FREE,
NO ONE WILL BOTHER
ONE WHERE I CAN SCREAM, KICK & HOLLER
WHENEVER I NEED TO FACE MY OWN DEMONS
ONE WHERE I CAN LISTEN TO THE SPACES
THOSE INNER, INNER SPACES WHERE
NO ONE DARE VENTURE
ONLY THE BRAVE & ONE OF TRUE NATURE
AND IN MY OWN SACRED SPACE
I SHALL WAIT FOR THAT ONE
MY ONE & ONLY BRAVE
MY ONE OF TRUE NATURE.
What else AM I, what else is there YOU might ASK?
What U SEE is what U GET
But not all the time…
WHAT I AM IS STILL EVOLVING
AS I AM REVOLVING
IN THE SPACES OF MY CHOOSING
CAUSE THAT'S MY CHOOSING
And what I AM IS FULL OF LOVE
MY CUP DOES OVERFLOW
AND HOW THAT ALL CAME TO BEING
IT JUST DAWNED ON ME
WHEN ONE MOMENT IN INFINITY
A LIGHT SO BRIGHT
SHONE ON ME….
AND A KNOWING CAME TO
WHAT I AM,
THAT I HAVE KNOWN THAT LIGHT
FROM WHEN AND WHERE I KNOW NOT,
BUT THAT IT CAME
FROM THAT ONE KNIGHT
WITHIN THAT ONE SPACE & TIME
WHEN ALL QUESTIONS WERE OPENED
AND ALL PAST BE FORGOT
AM I WHOLE?
AM I COMPLETE?
AND I DECLARED YES!
BUT MAYBE, I'M NOT?
…YET… FOR FEAR OF FLIGHT.
THAT IS WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW….
IN THE HERE AND NOW.
(dec.19.2001 - © jessica m. velasquez. all rights reserved)
end.
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