December

i love December!
i love the month when everything happens all at once...
it used to be stressful, now i just love it!
it's the month when 2 of my brothers' have their birthday
it's the month when my dearest little boy was born,
it's the month for Christmas preparations,decorations,
Christmas lights & trees and all;
it's the month for Christmas parties,
finishing projects at work, taking it easy...
it's the time for gift-giving & receiving,
the time for Christmas cards & love letters across the miles,
my Mom's balikbayan boxes full of "stuff"
travelling across the globe to the other side of the family...
a time to remember old friends, acquaintances &
smiling at people u meet while doing mad-shopping together...
like a shopper's camaraderie,

i used to stress out during the holidays,
just because there was so much to do...so little time...
now, i know better, & i just start early...
i'm like the early bird that catches the worm,
& makes lots of time to play with her little chickadees...

maybe it's because my two kids make me see...
all over again,
what there is to anticipate & hope for around Christmas...
even the snow is beautiful,
i don't even mind the cold,
because they love it...
i learned to love playing in the snow,
ice-skating in the park & falling on ice,
that's the only time i don't mind the cold...

i feel so blessed having my two hyper, loud & vivacious kids...

makes me feel like a child again,

pushing me past my tired & weary days,

those nights of trekking in the snowy darkness after work,

& coming home to their ever-so loud demands for attention,

i just have to sigh & laugh out loud,

& say to myself - Hey, that's their expectation...

they can't help it, U must be a Supermom...

& lo and behold i turn around, wear my cape, take off my other mask, & put on my happy face, voila!

& I AM the SuperMom - I gotta deliver on that!

...i'm slowly getting used to this idea of being a "Supermom"

(to the tune of Stevie Wonder's - "baby, wants to be a superwoman...la,la,la..." i wish i know all the words right now)

anyway, what else about the magical month of December???

this is the month when i believe miracles do happen,

sometimes it sneaks up on us, from behind our depression...

obsession about what's lacking & what else is missing in our lives...

sometimes, little miracles happen to show us that we really got what we need already, & ALL that we got is already wonderful...

& what we don't have, maybe we really don't need, for now...

For Now...I am Happy with every little thing i got...

even my issues with hubby,(makes me & him all the more stronger,& have this feisty robust relationship, huh! like 2 ninjas in relationship training!...you'd wonder who's gonna come out on top)

even this pending HUGE relocation plans with no job prospects yet!...i'm not even as worried as my in-laws think i should be...Hey what the heck?!

i've been at some crossroads in my life with not a single map nor compass before & i managed to find my way back to mySelf so...I operate on Faith - yep, hard as it may for some to believe in someone who's gone through a couple bouts of depression...(maybe she's just being manic-& later - her alter ego will show up again... Ms. Deppressive is back in town!)

i still operate on Faith...even during those darkest moments when u feel like you'll never be able to sleep for the 3rd, or 4th or 5th night in a row, wondering how to end it all, this misery of not understanding why you are so darned miserable in the first place??...with all the other less fortunate beings in the world, especially the third world, & the hungry in Africa, & those who have nothing compared to u, & countless guilt tripping nights...

i still, in a very small corner of my heart, in the recesses of my soul, still believed in a Higher Power that was going to help me turn my dark days around...an angel will come out in hiding just to protect me from hurling myself from the top of my office building (all 27 floors of it)...& show me the view from above...metaphorically, it's always happened. I must be blessed.

(one of my favorite films is the original B&W of Wim Wenders "wings of desire" - later, adapted into "City of Angels" Hollywoodized version...still great, with one of my fave songs ...

"in the arms of an angel...fly away from here...from this dark cold hotel room & this emptiness that u feel...")

& my first miracle in December, my son's birth, December 1999...was an experience forever etched in my heart (and immortalized in photos as well)... how he's growing in mind & body & spirit is a continuing miracle...

& of course there was that second miracle of December 2001, (post 9-11-01)

i knew my angels were up to something...after battling with my depression that started in the Spring of 2000, i was still looking for something, something, something... i can't pinpoint...

something missing & those naughty angels, i think they heard my prayers somehow...

in an unpredictable, lightning kind of way...there U were...my very first coach,

whatever you wanna call it, a life coach, a transformation coach...whatever...

i know, in my heart, that my angels sent U to me...even if u don't believe in angels...

even if u think this is all bulls*it, even if u were just doing your job...

being there for me, even if u will never even waste a single thought on me,

believe what u may, as i will continue to believe in mine...

it's always been my Faith that has kept me alive & strong

& happy...i haven't lost my way yet...though maybe i've strayed way too many times,

but...i've always managed to come back Home to the I in I...

so do i believe in making a Leap of Faith this time...

with this big leap to Atlanta without a safety net to catch me... if i fall???

sure, it's good for the soul...i think, & i believe there is this invisible safety net...for those who are only trying to find their way...trying to do good...

nothing would have been discovered or happened in our world without

such leaps & bounds by human-kind...

what was it Kennedy said when the first man landed on the moon??? (was it Kennedy or some other prez?)

"one small step for man, one giant Leap for Mankind..."

well, i can go on & on,

but for now...

i hope U enjoy your December as much as I will...

:) j