Thoughts...before school

I am starting to cry again, just from the thought of leaving my loved ones behind… if I ever get the Covid-19, and because I have underlying conditions – Asthma, I might not survive it…

I am a teacher here in Gwinnett County, suburb of Atlanta, Georgia.  We are expected to go back to school (report in the actual school building) whether we get assigned to teach online or face-to-face instructions.  We still have to report back to work.  I understand the need to go back to work, I actually am looking forward to getting back to the groove, and working again…but let’s face it, we have to do this safely & strategically.

I mean, I really believe that some students do not do well with online-only learning, like my special needs students; but at the same time, if I was a parent of a K-12 public school student, I will not send them physically back to school with all the rest of the kids; with the danger of exposing them to this novel Coronavirus.  Regardless of whether they are special needs or regular education students. It is too much of a risk for a deadly virus that we are still learning about. The scientists & doctors do not know yet the full effects and long term dangers of this virus on the human body & the different organs it attacks.  But what they do know as of the present, is enough for me to decide it is too risky to take any risks, including sending kids to a crowded school, crowded buses, with crowded classrooms that cannot afford to social distance, and especially with little guidance from the government.

I was telling my daughter that next week, my husband & I have an appointment to see a lawyer to write up our Living Wills, Health Directives & Powers of Attorney.  We should’ve done this a long time ago, but now is the best time.  Just in case, to prepare for any eventuality that could happen because of this pandemic.

 I bet most families are thinking on the same line.  We have never faced such questions of our own mortality as this time…

Morbid as it may sound, death is just ever present in this world we are in right now… Our new reality is so unpredictable that you never know who will get it next.  It was my brother in law last April (thank God he survived the ordeal)….and it could be your next door neighbor, or cousin, or grandparents, next…who will be next?

I feel for all the essential workers… the healthcare heroes, my brothers - Dr. Jonathan & Dr. Rocky... who face this reality daily and squarely.  They are truly brave & deserve all our respect.  The everyday jobs by grocery store workers, post office workers, mailman, sanitation workers, construction workers, farmers, Amazon workers and deliverers… they are all essential.

Now it’s my turn to face the music.  July 29^th, two weeks to be exact - teachers here in Gwinnett county Georgia are going back for two weeks of Pre-Planning & lots of meetings & trainings to ensure everybody’s safe return to school.

We may all eventually get it – this damned Coronavirus, but hopefully when we do, there will already be a vaccine for it…

Or maybe it will only affect us like a mild case of the flu….but you never know, when your luck runs out.

I pray to God, help us ALL, especially here in America where it is spreading like wildfire again... &  may God help us all over the world.  God bless y'all! 

Love & Light.

 

The Metaphor of my Broken Arm

When I fell upon our stairs

Our house just caught on fire

Everything seemed to have broken

Even my right arm broke,

I had a radial bone fracture….

This to me was a symbol of

What needed to be destroyed

What realities needed to be shattered

This was the starting point

The dawning of a new age for me, my family…

And strange as it may seem…

January of 2020, seemed to be a dawning of a new Age globally.

Personally, I needed to get rid of old misconceptions,

Of what used to give me comfort,

I had to step outside the box of my comfort zone…

We all have material things, possessions that we can’t let go of,

Now, these circumstances in my life

Forced me to let go, Let God, as they say…

Let the Universe unfold as it should ….

So they took away all our possessions inside that house…

Symbol of Non-attachment…

I learned to not long for those material things,

I learned not to miss certain comforts of Home…

Then we, as a family, had to move from place to place

From a hotel to an apartment,

The physical move as well as the spiritual, mental challenges it presented

Was a bit overwhelming at first…

We were tired, it was exhausting physically,

Mentally, we had to adapt to new surroundings, new ways of being,

Spiritually, we had to find ourselves amidst chaos.

This was a temporary existence,

It was even more apparent as everything around us was changing too.

There was a Coronavirus pandemic affecting our country & the World.

It was starting to get worse here,

Mortality rates in our communities were on the rise exponentially….

January, there were about 35 deaths due to Covid 19,

Now, 5 months later, 109,000 deaths in the United States of America alone,

1.89 Million confirmed cases…

So, I think to myself…

Everything in this world is Temporary…

Change is the only Constant.

Now, winter is over,

Spring is done,

Summer is here…it is June of 2020,

We are slowly returning to our old Home,

People are wearing masks to be safe,

People are social distancing,

Businesses are slowly opening up...

Some parts of the United States are seeing a slow decline of Coronavirus cases

And deaths are leveling & tapering off,

There are still certain states that are on the rise,

And possible resurgence due to another Crisis…

The racial divide because of police brutality

In our nation…is a systemic problem…

Racism is showing its ugly head once more…

There is much political unrest,

protests on the streets of major cities,

some anarchists looting & rioting,

The National Guard & local police

At times have been ordered to use tear gas & rubber bullets on peaceful protesters….

Truly, this cannot go on….

We are at a crossroads once again in our History,

A fork in the road wherein… we are at the Tipping Point…

If we do not choose wisely and with wisdom in our hearts,

Our nation might be further divided.

Now, my fractured arm is almost healing….

We are going Home soon…

Now comes the healing of our country…I hope,

The fractures in our society symbolizes as a collective,

False ideologies of racism & anarchy…

Of being too right wing, versus, too left-leaning,

Of Us versus Them.

Maybe Healing will occur,

Maybe this is our year of Transformation,

Maybe 2020 will represent a clear vision of the Future?

And what it holds for all of us…

We are stronger, together, United.

I am healing now…

I pray fervently, that You all are too…

Deep inside, let’s forgive each other….

Let’s continue to pray for each other….

Let’s learn Respect for every one’s basic rights

As a free person….equal not apart from us.

If there is one thing that this Coronavirus is teaching us…

It Is that we are mere specks of dust in this Universe,

& if we don’t see each other as ourselves,

If we don’t care for one another as we care for ourselves…

Capable of getting & transmitting this contagion,

If we cannot see each other as Equals

All worthy of basic human rights…

Then I don’t really know what else to say….

I am HEALING my wounds….

Are you???

Happy Birthday to me!

“Today is the greatest day I’ve ever known…can’t wait for tomorrow, tomorrow’s much too long” (Smashing Pumpkins)

 

Today is my birthday… 56 years on Planet Earth….20,440 days of waking up to new days, putting my foot forward and keeping it moving.  56 revolutions around the Sun….

I am grateful for Life, I am grateful for family, I am grateful for friends for life…

And death, happening around this Coronavirus pandemic….reminding us constantly to live our lives to the fullest, as though this day, today, is our last.

https://youtu.be/1lyu1KKwC74

This is a weird birthday for me, that’s why I chose this song from the Verve “Bittersweet Symphony” for my writing meditation this morning.  It sure is a bitter sweet symphony, the life we are living during these crazy, unprecedented and unpredictable times…

Nothing is for certain anymore.  Everything that we were used to turned upside down.  Jobs may be lost, schools have closed since March 13, our movements have become limited, plans cancelled, and future plans cannot be made…yet.  2020, yes the year synonymous to clearer vision…and here we are forced to see things differently, we are having to see Life from a new & different perspective.  We cannot base the decisions we make every day on our past ways…We are now witnessing a “new normal” and every little thing we do is filtered through a new lens,  “Is this safe?”  “Are we in danger of being exposed to the VIRUS if we go out now?”  “What are we going to do this summer break?”  “Should we even fly?”, “Is it better to do stay-cations?”  “What about school next year 2020-21?”, “Are we still in this pandemic next year?”  “We have flattened the curve in some states and some parts of the world… but is it going to come back with a vengeance when winter hits?” “When are they going to find a cure, a vaccine?”   All these questions & more…whirling in our collective minds.

Some of us are luckier than others…They haven’t been hit at home with this VIRUS.  But some, it hits closer to home than is comfortable…Our family for instance, have been hit close… my husband’s brother is currently in the throes of fighting for his life with this Covid-19, and we are all anxiously waiting & praying for his recovery.  “Who else in our close circle of family & friends is going to get hit?”  “Will it be bad or will it be mild?”  “Who will win, the VIRUS or us?”

I say, we cannot let the VIRUS win! Just imagine all the healthcare workers & researchers fighting this and struggling to find a cure before more deaths happen…. Just imagine all our essential workers, day in & day out, going about their daily lives & continuing to work with constant unease of who among their customers might have the virus or may be asymptomatic carriers….Just imagine the more unfortunate folks in our communities, struggling to find ways to put food on the table for the whole family, because they are on unemployment or worse, no source of income…Such angst is enough to cause some people nightmares. 

2020, perfect vision, I believe this period in our history is forcing us to re-evaluate what is important and essential to us.  Time to get rid of what’s un-necessary, Time to get rid of hatred, judgments, & bigotry…. We are, whether we like it or not, intertwined now, we are all in this together….I am wearing my mask in public, not just for my own protection but to also protect those I come in contact with; although I hate wearing a mask.

Time to face our new reality, “we are all in this together” every commercial on TV is saying that… We just have to be kinder whenever we can…everybody is struggling in their own ways.  No one is immune to this.

To me, it is the year for a clearer vision, hopefully a perfect vision of what I want my everyday to be…Time to re-assess my core values… only deal with what IS, not what may be…

Time to let go, and Let GOD.  God and the Universe has given us this challenge not to make us suffer…I believe, this Coronavirus plague, is sent as a blessing.  I know that may sound weird, but it is true, there is a rainbow to every storm. 

Happy birthday to me!  To a new year, a fresh start, a new beginning.

I wish the same for all of you, reading this TODAY…into our 10^th week of isolation…Make it the greatest day of your Life.

Sending love & healing, stay strong!

- Jessica (from my little quarantined corner of the world)

here's the send-off song I chose for y’all, a classic.

https://youtu.be/fPO76Jlnz6c

Ode to our Mother

This is for Mother's Day

https://youtu.be/aJxrX42WcjQ   You Raised Me Up (by Josh Groban)

This song “YOU RAISED ME UP” is dedicated to our ever steadfast, faithful and loving mother…. Leticia Gaviola Velasquez.

Every time I listen to this song, it brings tears to my eyes and chills down my spine….

It is so true of our mother….Leticia….our quiet, unassuming, humble and profoundly spiritual & faithful…mother.

She is a wonderful human being.  She has led us in her own quiet ways, from darkness; from the forest of confusion and the stormy troubled waters of our childhood… to where we are now.  She raised all of us, and also had the time, energy & compassion to raise most of her grandchildren starting with my older brother - Joe's children...Michelle, Mark & Melanie; then mine... Malaya & Diego Ray...and even our youngest brother - Rocky's children....Jaelyn & Olivia....where did she get all her energy... I wondered?  and always the answer will come up as... she has an inner spiritual well always filled with unconditional love for all her children....

I still remember, during the Seventies when our Dad had to leave us to immigrate to the United States of America, in order to be able to support all of us….It was Martial Law in the Philippines then....We were left at a loss… about our future.  My Mom, I know in my young heart, had the most difficult time…She had to raise 6 children almost on her own… having given up her teaching career a long time ago, and Daddy being the sole breadwinner….She did not know what to do…

It was very tough going at first, but I watched her as she slowly, through the years…through her deep Faith in a God that watches over all of us….slowly, pulled herself together….I was only about 13 years old, my older brother, Jojo 14, and the rest of my brothers, James, Jason, Jonathan….12,11,10 years old respectively….and our newborn in the family, baby Rocky, barely one year old.

She is the reason we are where we are right now….Rocky, that little baby, is now an ER doctor who is heroically fighting in the trenches of this Coronavirus warfare…in NYC…. Jonathan, another ER doctor in Perry Georgia, fighting the same battle to save lives every day.  Kuya Joe, our truck driver who is among the ESSENTIAL workers who deliver what Americans need during this crisis.  James and Jason, in the Philippines, always doing their best and always doing their part to fulfill the responsibilities of taking care of our aging father; who retired in the Philippines…. And me, I am now a TEACHER, trying to do my part in this landscape….I also sing, thanks to my Mom…who taught us how to play guitar as kids, and our Dad - Tommy, who loved to sing to us....they exposed us to all this wonderful, groovy music as we were growing up.  I will be forever grateful.

Every lyric of this song, “You Raised Me Up”…. Sings our praises to our dear mother, how much of a HERO she is to each one of us….How, we would not be here, successful in our own careers, and still believing in a GOD that never FAILS… Her LOVE was always our shining LIGHT, our only BEACON, she never failed us….we were together and in spite of the broken shambles of a home we were trying to recreate in our own hearts….Knowing that she is always there for us was enough…enough for us to keep going, to be STRONG and support one another….This is what we learned from a mother who never ever gave up. 

What we are going through collectively right now, during this global Coronavirus pandemic, is only making us stronger than ever….Think of all the mothers and fathers who raised us….

“YOU RAISED ME UP SO I CAN STAND ON MOUNTAINS,

YOU RAISED ME UP TO WALK ON STORMY SEAS,

I AM STRONG WHEN I AM ON YOUR SHOULDERS,

YOU RAISED ME UP… TO MORE THAN I CAN BE.”

Our parents did not raise us to give up now….We are from a strong breed of humans, we are going to get through this.  Together, at home, wherever you are, STAY STRONG… and thank your precious mothers and fathers.

Life & Death in the middle of Coronavirus

Today, first day of May, I woke up so early, as has been my usual since the start of 2020 --- at 4:00 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I am like that a lot, an early bird with so much energy in the morning.

So, what could I do that early? It’s Friday, a digital learning day for me as a middle school special educator.  I did not want to dive into work right away. So, I meditated for a few minutes, emptied left-over stuff in my head from fuzzy dreams the night before.  Then, went on Facebook, and checked out recent videos that have been shared.

I was struck by two especially poignant stories… One was from a father who just recently lost his 12 year old son to suicide during these Coronavirus crazy times…and the second story was told by another father, losing yet another child, his daughter - an ER doctor fighting this silent war right in the trenches of New York City, Mt. Sinai Hospital… She was also lost to suicide.

I shared these two real stories to my Facebook feed… and I just want everyone out there who reads these to realize that Coronavirus is not just a deadly physical pandemic, but it could might as well be a great emotional & mental malady of our times.  These two very real stories brought tears to my eyes…

I have suffered from post-partum depression back when I had my second child; and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 1, the kind where you have some weird hallucinations and heard voices.  I call them my friends and guides now, these voices in my head.  I used to be scared of them, not knowing who and what the heck they were… but not anymore.  The more I realized that these voices are not from outside of me, but inside from the deepest recesses of my being…even probably memories of past lives coming into light…I am no longer afraid to listen to them and accept them in without fear or judgement. Sometimes, I listen and just let it slide…other times, depending on the mood, I really listen and analyze what it all means.

This morning, I cried some tears, for these two humans, two very human….human beings --- the 12 year old boy whose birthday was in two days; and the oh so brave ER doctor who contracted COVID 19 while working and still went back to work after a week of recovery, just because she was an awesome responsible doctor.  According to their fathers, they both showed no apparent signs of depression & were fairly happy individuals.  But these times can get to the best of us…. There are really those among us suffering internally and silently right now during this crisis that we are not even aware of sometimes… Please be gentle with yourself and with others.

 

It makes me wonder about my students.  Yesterday, at yet another long virtual Zoom meeting with my Team and Assistant Principal, we wrangled & wrestled with ideas on how to help those students who are not passing our classes and not doing their Digital Learning assignments.  No matter how much we, as teachers, try our very best to the point of exhaustion every day to reach out to them and give them the best and simplest assignments possible… we still could not reach them. We try everything, all tools from our teacher toolbox: call & email parents regularly, make funny, engaging selfie videos every morning for our daily instructions, create Zoom live class sessions, do Art for them to show how much we care & miss them… our students are still elusive as butterflies.  Sometimes, they’re there, logging in and choosing to do certain assignments, and most times they are not.  Except for the few handful of students, steadfast and determined to have passing grades by the end of all this…perhaps due to their parents’ efforts or their own persistence & character. I admire these kids immensely and I would work even for that one or two kids attending my live Zoom sessions. For them, what I do as a teacher is worthwhile… I will continue to strive hard for these kids to thrive and be successful despite the odds they may be facing.

For this is not just a physical & visible disease, but an emotional, mental as well as a social disease.  Coronavirus has shown us how disparate and discrepant our socio-educational systems are in this great first world country we live in. It shows us so many factors why some kids succeed and some don’t… and not due to the fact of their own doing.  I mean, odds are so stacked against some of my students: most don’t have access to a good computer, laptop, device, whatever; and even though our school (being a Title 1 school) loans them a device such as a Chromebook, their families cannot afford good internet service.  Why don’t we have universal Internet for all students yet? 

In addition to not having the proper tools for learning, these students struggle at home with their home lives; some have so many siblings that they can’t even focus; some have to babysit their younger brother or sister, some have parents who do not speak English and cannot read or help them in any way with their digital assignments, some kids’ parents are essential workers who have to work long hours during the day or night, and some kids’ parents have become unemployed with no income coming into their household.. Not to mention, my kids, my students already struggle having learning disabilities...How can they have proper guidance at home with all the distress and uncertainties?  Everyone is lost in their own personal struggles, trying to hold things together… who has the time and energy to hold these kids’ hands and assure them that everything will be okay??? Some of my students have said that this Coronavirus is just a lie and they want to go back to school so badly to see their friends again…and when will this ever end.  And it is so heartbreaking to listen to them. I hear their frustrations as they try to go through their crappy phone devices to complete assignments that are not geared towards cell phones… they’re just not user-friendly, so my students give up.  I want to give up too but I totally get it.  Frustrating as it may seem, we still try, and try, and try some more… until the very last day of school, which for us here is May 20^th (the day before my birthday).  14 more days, including today… We, special educators, are to reach out some more, with more last ditch efforts to get these kids to at least take their Final Exams online… We need a little miracle… a little Hail Mary!

 

Today... like any other day in Quarantine...

I joined this amazing group on Facebook last week called " View from my Window"- it is a group that posts their different views by photo from their windows around the world, and their thoughts about all this stay-at-home "new normal" that we are all having to live with.  I thought this was a wonderful idea, and God Bless whoever started this... there is around 1 million members and I have enjoyed looking at some perfectly awesome views from people all over the worlds' windows.

Sometimes, I wish I could be looking out from their windows...instead of mine...which is actually very simple as of now, because we are living in an apartment....instead of back home, sweet home, in our Aspen Circle view....with an amazing forest like view.

I posted this today.....

The view from my window...

is not all that, just a bunch of regular looking trees, nothing spectacular so I wanted to share this view inside, by my window instead.... 

I am a middle school teacher and since having to teach online from home, my work area has given me solace and peace during this pandemic...

I wanna give a shout out to all the teachers & students of the world having to deal with this new normal of quarantined learning! We’re all doing the best we can!!

I also wanted to share this quote on my desk from

...Steve Jobs...

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world ARE THE ONES WHO DO.”

this quote inspires me in my work....and the many views from your windows inspire me each day! 

Thank you all for sharing your views & your stories... we are truly connected in this one beautiful planet we share. Let’s Stay Strong! 

Namaste,

 from my little corner in Duluth, Georgia, USA.

Things we have taken for granted

Today, I am writing about things we have taken for granted....

Especially now that we are under this CoronaVirus #stayathome orders from the local as well as the federal government...

Today, March 28, in this tumultuous year 2020, 8:28 am, blogging at home, because there's really nothing better that I could be doing at this moment.

I realize how I have taken for granted little simple things such as....

• hanging out with friends & neighbors and not worrying about being 6 ft. apart
• hugs & kisses from friends & babies
• shaking hands, at church during "Peace be with you"
• physically going to Church on Sundays
• being able to drive anywhere, as far as Florida - to the beaches, or even just the next city
• going to restaurants & bars 
• walking along crowded streets & sidewalks (especially when we were in NYC - miss that!)
• weekly band rehearsals
• shopping at your favorite stores
• doing your grocery shopping, without having to have a long list because you can go anytime
• working out at gyms
• swimming at community pools  (hopefully we can still do that this Summer 😔.
• our jobs & routines that we used to complain so much about
• getting dressed every morning
• seeing our students (I'm a middle school teacher)
• seeing our co-workers
• going to concerts
• going to town events & gatherings

...after we all get through this unprecedented & totally unpredictable event in our history...I promise myself I will no longer take these little things for granted.  I will have a renewed love & respect for my daily work routines, and try to spend more quality time listening to my students, my friends & co-workers.  

One good thing that came out of all this "staying home orders" ... 

is the closeness and time we now share and have to share with our closest family unit...

I love the quiet & sometimes loud & annoying times I share with my son, Diego and hubby Will.

I also love to "FaceTime" each day when we call our families that are dear yet far from us....

We plan on doing Zoom video conferencing with our band mate, Ron, & hopefully other musician friends... just to jam and play some music... maybe share that to our friends on FB...for Blue Mischief.

Thank God for Technology & Social Media, what would we do without it now?  

Let's stay connected folks... let's stay in touch and try to reach out to our friends & members of the community who are somehow feeling more isolated than us...

there's a lot out there we can do to get through these rough times.

Keeping y'all close to my heart and in my prayers.

STAY STRONG!  sending positive VIBES only.... Om Namaste...

My CoronaVirus Update - March 24, 2020

Here I am, 1:55 pm, listening to Rita Wilson’s Quarantunes playlist while trying to keep up with my digital learning days assignment for my students.  In fact, I’ve already done all I need to do for them, as much as I can do for them, without me having to knock on each of my students’ doors, and actually holding their hands to complete their DLD assignments.  I wish I could do that, but I can’t.

It’s tough to be a teacher and tougher yet to be a student in these coronavirus pandemic days…what do we expect them to do in these days?  These are our special needs students with specific learning disabilities or Autism spectrum disorders….what can we really expect for them to accomplish without proper individualized instruction, specialized and tailored for each of their unique needs?  I hate to say this, but this pandemic situation is screwing them over….

Not anybody’s fault I know, I’m the first to admit that, but it is hard enough to teach these kids within the four walls of a public school classroom… what more, given the liberties & distractions of trying to learn from home, where they are most probably sharing one computer for each home, parents working from home, other siblings needing the computer too… video games extravaganza, and social media all day!  Not even talking about those students who have no access to computers & the internet.  They’re totally screwed.

I am blessed that I have my own laptop and so does my son Diego, while doing his college online assignments.  They are doing this all throughout the semester, no more face to face classes for their Spring semester 2020.

2020, what a year you’ve been so far….for everyone, but especially for us…our family.  I already told you all the series of unfortunate events that’s been happening in our family’s lives….first the hit & run on my car the first day students were back at school – January 6^th, followed two weeks later by an electrical house fire, Saturday night, January 18^th….(we’re still holed up in this apartment till july or???)  then, two weeks later, my fall…I fell off our stairs while my husband & I were checking the situation in our house…broke the radial bone in my right arm...

Approximately two weeks later, our dearest pet Bruno had to be put to sleep…humane euthanasia, because he developed a tumor, a malignant cancer in his spleen….(sigh)…that was March 12^th,  today is March 24….i’m still standing, gratefully…I suppose….I’m still breathing and placing my foot one in front of the other….and now this…

This unprecedented, totally caught-us-all-off-guard, pandemic…of Global proportions…this coronavirus fear spreading across the united states, from Asia, to Europe and middle east, the whole world….seems to be in a standstill.

“We are all in this together”…is the slogan for the world, and yet we are feeling alone, hunkered down in our homes…practicing social distancing and doing our civic duty by limiting our movements outside the house…

some of us are more fortunate than others…with loved ones, family close beside them…some not so fortunate…with deaths in their families, close friends, serving in the healthcare professions…those who are in the frontlines, doctors, nurses, first responders, grocery workers, mailmen, ups, fedex & amazon workers…my husband, who is still expected to keep reporting to work, even without a lot of business going on…  Then now we have those in our communities who will be unemployed indefinitely…the hospitality industry workers, restaurant workers, airline & other service industry workers….stock market crashing…our own u.s. president vacillating between shut down the cities ordinances, and let’s get back to work orders…

Who knows what to do next?  Is anybody really sure about the future at all?

I know, we never know what the future holds for us…for anyone…but this total uncertainty is un-nerving, to say the least. 

I am really an extrovert, and I love being around people, and being around my students, difficult as it may be at times, keeps me grounded and sane… helping them in any way I can…this,  this helpless feeling of not being able to reach out & teach them what they need to learn, is making me go crazy!

I’m still up before the crack of dawn every day…I meditate… just sitting in front of my calming Buddha statue…emptying my thoughts of any unnecessary voices in my head…I start my morning with a good cup of coffee, then I start to turn on my laptop, see what’s important, what the day has ahead of me… .& then I start to work….uploading my digital day assignments…

It’s tough not being able to go out to cafes, stores, restaurants, it’s tough not to be able to hang out with friends, invite them over, for fear that anyone may be carriers of this virus… cause the incubation period can be from 4-15 days…you can never tell who’s infected from who’s not.

So, here I am, “I wanna be sedated…” playing in the background…so appropriate for my frame of mind this time.  Thank you, Rita Wilson for your great, uplifting playlist!  I love it!!! I hope you and your husband tom hanks, are doing well and recovering.  I am praying for you, praying for all the healthcare workers, praying for the economy to recover, praying for friends, family & strangers going through the same struggles everyday…I guess, it is true we are all in this together, in a strange & distant way, we are all connected…this virus can be a little blessing in disguise…we are more connected in many ways…because we are closer in thoughts & prayers…for the whole world…the world is growing quiter, our world is getting smaller.

Let’s stay connected, let’s stay strong, let’s listen to each other more…keep our eyes, minds, and hearts open for anything that could happen…cause what else could possibly happen??  A meteor crashing into our little planet, Earth???…

let’s stay together.

💖

Love from my little corner of the world, Georgia, u.s.a. – Jessica v. (ms. V.)

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who I want to star in the film about my life

Catherine Zeta-Jones just announced that she's suffering from Bipolar Disorder II. That's wonderful and refreshing, i think she is brave to do that. If i were to pick somebody to act as me in a story/film about my colorful life, it would definitely have to be her, Catherine Zeta-Jones - we are even close in age....she's 41, and i'm a young looking 46 year old, lol. Also, I've been thinking it's either her or Angelina Jolie. Just because i really like Angelina Jolie as an actress and I saw her in this film about being in a mental health facility, "Girl Interrupted"....with Winona Ryder and she was amazing in her portrayal of a girl with mental health issues. So, i'm still in the process of writing my autobiography. Once it's done, my goal is to shop it around people like Angelina Jolie or now, Catherine Zeta-Jones to check out and give it a look or review and see if they would want to produce it and star in it.... I think my life story is very interesting to say the least. I can honestly say i've gone through hell and back again....even three times in my life...during my last 3 episodes.....I think i've shared some of the stories here on this blog..... I'll tell you more later ok, till then I'll keep on writing and blogging.....

us, beach bums!

why do we love the beach so much?!
We just got back from our nice one week vacation to the beaches of Boca Raton, Palm Beaches and Miami Beach....me, Will and Diego....
Malaya couldn't come with us this time because she decided to go visiting with her Dad in West Virginia earlier this summer....then off to NYC for the start of her college life....

It was so much funnnn!!!! as always....
it seems every year, we have to go the beach....it's our mecca, our pilgrimage to release all the stress of living day to day in inland Georgia....far, far away from the ocean!

The beach always has that refreshing effect on us....it's not just a release from everything
but it has a way of making you appreciate the simple things in Life....
Nature, the beauty of the blue waters, the ripple of the ocean waves along the shores....the sandy white shores....the seagulls and other sea birds like the geese in their flight....so random and yet so perfectly placed.

Everything seems perfect on the beach. No matter how hot the sun may be...you can always cover yourself up with a nice beach hat, globs of suntan lotion (SPF 50 preferably!), and you can always come back in the later hours of the afternoon, into the evenings....
and the beach at night! with the moonlight lighting your footpath....walking barefoot on the shore....with your loved ones....who can ask for more?

Everytime we're at the beach, we always say...."This is the Life"....
so if this is the Life for us, we've arrived at the point in our not so young lives anymore
to ask ourselves: why not live by the beach instead???

If we already know what we know, and that all our vacations are mostly spent adoring the sun and ocean....then why not leave everything behind, like we already did ---- when we left NYC for Georgia....and move somewhere closer to the beach....

How come we just suffice with the summer vacations? one to two weeks out of everyday life??
How come we can't live like we're constantly on vacation, even if we have to go to work each day...cause that's still our reality...right? until we retire, ha,ha,ha...

One day, i know, one day...each time we go on our summer pilgrimage to the beaches....
one day...we will live our dream of living close or closer to the beach! no matter the hurricanes that frequent Florida....that's part of Life down there....i suppose you gotta take the good with the bad, like anywhere really. Life is that way.

another milestone...

Wow, it's been almost three years now since i last blogged....
and so much has changed and so much has stayed the same....
I'm still at my job as an assistant teacher for Special Ed. in a high school.
My husband is still doing the same thing, graphic designer for a sign company.
My two wonderful kids are still doing great, and wonderful in school....continuing to make us proud. We still live in this beautiful quant little house with a huge trees engulfing our backyard and a creek out back...that we love....and we're still in Georgia.

what is changing is, that my daughter is graduating from High school and soon to go off to College --- she wants to go back to NYC for college and she's going to Fordham University.
I know already that I will miss her terribly and I might end up making more trips to NY....
I know I will be just a phone call away, but it's still going to be traumatic for both her and me.
I hope its not gonna be too too bad of an adjustment for her especially....
we are so close that she runs to me for every little thing. But she has that independent spirit that I have witnessed in action when she spent her summers in NYC and Jersey City with her grandma from her Dad's side....she went to summer school in Parsons before and also vacationed the following summer there....she just loves that city. The city she was born in, and the city we sometimes can't get out of our system.

She's planning to stay with us for another month after graduation this end of May....so she will be here still for June. Then she's visiting with her Dad for a month in West Virginia....then they both drive to NY/ Jersey City to get her settled and prepared for school.

After that, the dynamics at our home will maybe change....it will be less one person....
it will just be Will, Diego and myself.....having dinner...we're so used to having dinners together....and now all that is going to change. I will miss my daughter so....very much.
I will be an 18-hour drive away and that's too far.....sometimes it gets me worried. But i trust her immensely and her wisdom and decision-making...still she's only 18 years young....so young for this wild world I experienced. I just hope and pray that she won't make the same bad choices that her Mom made in her younger days.....that she won't fall prey to un-trustworthy young men....and that she won't wear her heart out on her sleeves. I believe she's smarter than that....I pray that her angels would always guide her way...and that the holy spirit breathes wisdom on her each day.....that's my prayer every night that she's away from her Mama.

the Desiderata comes to mind....
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
the courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference..."

I love you my little baby girl....more than ever... and will always be there for you....just call.
or email ....or text....lol.

a mellow day

Today is a wonderfully blessed day...
i get to stay home with my little son and do absolutely nothing...
except relax, watch some movies on cable, have lunch at our leisure,
catch up on email with friends, & go online & BLOG!!!!
what more can i ask?

well, why so lucky today?
my son is a little sick with a fever & a slight sore throat...
i know that's bad, but it's really a blessing in disguise...
plus it's just normal that kids his age get sick around this time...
the change of seasons does that to you...
i'm glad i didn't get sick yet.

so i already sent an email to my friend to say hey to him,
and wish him a great Friday.
I think he's working tho. cause he didn't reply yet.
that's ok, i don't expect instant gratification.
It's just great to have him as a friend.
You must think i am in my obsessive-compulsive stage huh?
Maybe so, maybe so...but that's just the way I am...
remember, flashback to my previous blogs... I am bipolar...
so there's a part of me that becomes easily obsessed with things i like or love...
But i don't think i'm compulsive...
at least i don't gamble or shop or eat compulsively...
even tho. i'm on my meds - i haven't gained so much weight,
Thank God...i do watch what i eat and exercise when i can.

But anyway, back to my mellow day...
i heard a bird singing outside my window while blogging,
it's such a happy sound, makes me happy.
& i can hear my son, laughing in the background,
while watching some comedy-movie on TV...
later we'll do stuff like read & color
& prepare lunch & then go pick up my daughter from school.
She had to go cause she wasn't the one who's sick anyway.
I am so proud of my two kids...
they bring me so much JOY!!!
my daughter is an honor student in our school,
and she's so well-rounded...she also loves to dance!
She has a dance presentation for her dance class at the end
of each semester...then next year in January she also has a fashion show
where she's one of the designers...it's a fundraiser for Darfur.
Isn't she special??
& our son - Diego...
what more can i say about him?
He's so full of energy & comic relief!
he loves to make us laugh by making funny faces & imitations.
maybe he should be an actor, ha,ha,ha...
He also has a good voice, maybe he can be a singer
& take after his Mom?

But whatever they both want to be,
that's what i wish for them....
I just want them to be Happy and fulfilled
in their lives...
& of course it starts with their Life at Home.
So i feel blessed with them...
I am truly blessed with a nice family and friends.
i couldn't ask for more!
till next time,

J

my friend

I can't stop thinking about my friend...
it's like every little thing he does is magic (to borrow from Sting :)
his capture of images, speak to my soul...
his quote of the day & music he listens to at the moment
reaches out to me too...
the way he talks about his kids & family
is so endearing to me...
i don't know why,
but i feel very close to him...
like i've known him for a while now...
even though i've really only known him since...
end of September this year...
that's less than a month i've known him...
He's the kind of friend i wanna keep for the rest of my life...
cause he makes me so happy.
His nature is so full of joy & inspiration
that it rubs off on you when you come in contact with him....
even through the world of ideas and images.
I think i will be sad if we can't be friends anymore...
someday...
i don't even want or expect anything from this friendship
except friendship...
i don't want it to go beyond that...
it's almost impossible anyway...
we're both taken and quite content in our own ways...
with our family lives...
& we live so far apart...him in the UK
and me in the middle of Georgia somewhere in the USA...
i just can't help myself...
loving every little thing about him...
he makes me laugh at little things,
his care and kindness move me beyond words...
what more can i say????

friendship

so let me tell you more about my new friend...
I would like to start with how i would define "Friendship"...
I value friendship as defined by Kahlil Gibran in his book The Prophet.

& that is....
"Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
... when your friend speaks his mind you fear not for the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay". And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
... When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend. If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live. For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness. And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."

we met one fine day on the web,
& yes we are only web buddies...
I was searching for photos at Flickr one uninspiring day...
and found some photos from this guy simply named Gary*...
they were all nature shots....
of beautifully captured flowers,
nature landscapes & such...
but the best thing about his stream of photographs
is he adds his thought or quote of the day
with what music he listens to at the moment...
All in all, it struck me as quite profound
and interesting.
So, i sent him a comment,
and to my pleasant surprise he commmented back and
even visited my Flickr pages!
( & mine is not even of professional quality...)
as i said on my profile, i'm just an amateur photographer,
who loves natures, portraits and such...

but from his one comment,
came more photos to visit, more photos to appreciate & love...
his vision...
his kindness to strangers...
i just was taken by it.
So now, we're friends...
we've only written Testimonials for each other's Flickr pages...
but somehow, just a simple word from him,
a photo of a delicate flower, with words of wisdom
& music along with it...
can surprisingly make my day happier!
so, i value our friendship like a single beautiful pearl
in an oysterbed full of pearls....
this friendship is special i can tell,
& from my heart to his,
I thank him for all the joy he's brought thus far
into my blue, gray, sometimes,
crazy world.

hello again....

boy, has time flew by!!!
i can't believe the last time i spent time with you
& really sat down with U - & with myself...
have a heart-to-heart,
stop time...time stops...that kind of self-talk
it's been a long time coming....

anyway, I wanna start over and start where I am at
right now,
at this moment...
where am I???

i am now working as an Assistant teacher for Visually-impaired high-school kids
at a nice high-school in Georgia...
remember, the last time i blogged,
i mentioned my family & i were in the process of relocating to GA from
Staten Island, NYC?

well, here we are now.
We've made that big move,
that leap of faith into the then unknown, unforeseeable future...
which is now the present...

moment...
sometimes i still can't believe that we actually left NY
i still miss it a lot...
the energy, the mix of cultures and different peoples like me...
so eclectic...
& now we're here in an Atlantan suburb....
the burbs...can u imagine?
can u just imagine me in the burbs???
I grew up in the city, and have always been around big cities...
All of a sudden, this...
this, peace & quiet,
this tranquil spacious life....
this slow pace,
this maddeningly slowwwww pace of life....

i should be happy, i know...
i have all this time now to think and meditate,
and spend lots of quality time with my kids, my hubby,
my family time has improved tremendously...
we got what we wanted in terms of great schools for the kids...
a nice, safe environment to raise them up,
and a lovely house with lots of woods & nature surrounding it...

YES, we have bought a house, finally!
we couldn't afford it back in NY,
but now we have a real mortgage,
the kind that lasts forever,
30 years seem like forever to me.
Scary, at first, before signing it...
but we had to do it...it was just the next best thing to do in our agenda
of living our lives in the suburbs...
what else can one do around here,
but buy a house, if you can afford one....
that is.
I thank God that we can finally afford one...
so what is still the matter with me????
Nothing,
absolutely, nothing...
i'm not complaining or i'm not gonna be my usual
whiney self...
watch out, world!!!
I am the new & much improved version of Me...
I have a new attitude,
a different perspective now...
with a more interesting, more rewarding job...
less money, but so what?!
U can't have it All...right?
or so they say...
I even have a new Friend,
yes a new Friend...& it makes me so Happy.


tell u more later,
till next time,

- J

blahs...April Fools

hey there,
i'm just talking to myself really...
today, i am feeling my early mid-life crisis...
& i don't know what to do about it...

2 of my girlfriends are getting married this year
both seemed to have found their Mr. Right...
for one of them, it's her second marriage,
& for the other one,
it's her first, she's getting married to her college sweetheart
they met while they were both med. students in Upstate NY,
they're the ones having this grand garden wedding,
in Stillwater, MN,
with family & friends invited from all over the place...
I & my immediate family were invited too...
since it will be costly & all that
i was planning to go just with my daughter
because my husband doesn't want to go
we need to save money for our planned relocation trip...
makes sense but i just wanted to be there
& celebrate her special day with her....
and just be present...

but then again...my doubts come up,
here i am getting stuck in the mud again...
feeling like, do i really want to go to a nice grand wedding?
& witness all those happily married couples
cooing & aahh-ing with all their family & friends?!
I might just end up feeling sorry for myself again...
How nice to see a couple so right for each other
getting happily married
but in my head the voices are going....
what about you???
still working on my Marriage No. 2 -
my mistake No. 2!

all i can do is sigh...
i wish i could live as though i'm blind instead
& love everything that i could love of my husband
& be blind to all our growing incompatibilities...
i mean, who wants to go through another divorce?!
not me, not him for sure(even if this is gonna be just his first divorce...)

& me, between my getting sick, my bipolarness...
episodes 1, 2 & 3...
i don't know how i can handle the unknown of
being a single Mom all over again with 2 kids
from 2 marriages....
that mere fact makes my kness go weak,
& my resolve dissolve into space...
& I pray to God...
that my kids will turn out alright if ever i decide for a divorce later on...
my daughter is turning out really fine & cheerful at 13,
it's my son, only 5 years old that i'm worried about...
so there - i get stuck in the mud again...
but i know what it is,
it goes deeper than that...
maybe i'm just jealous of my girlfriends
who seem to have it made,
have a happy successful marriage
to a happy successful guy...
with great careers too...
unlike me...
& for a little while
i feel like a nobody....
only for a little while...
then i see myself with my kids,
& i realize i am never a nobody to them...
so back to reality...
& count my blessings
& it's not so bad after all...

(*to the tune of Coldplay - "Sparks")

& that's what this blog is for...
just to release my blah, blah, blahs...
my blah, blah blues for the moment...


for now, i want to love the one i'm with...
whatever it takes to make my family happy
& of course, usually when u can make someone else happy,
you will feel happy too...
sometimes when you create a happy atmosphere at home,
really create it in the present moment
u get caught in it too...
& start feeling happy instead of down....
some of that magic happiness will surely rub off on you...

i just don't want to go to this wedding anymore...
weddings, funerals...
celebrations of life like these
have a way of getting to my sensitive side...
& i just don't know how the heck i'm going to react...
i meight get sad all of a sudden for myself,
& then what...start crying at a friend's wedding???

so, am i a bad friend for not going to my friends' wedding???
well, the wedding will go on happily with or without me...
that's all i can say right now.

- till next time...
- j

mental health day

it's 5PM & here i am typing away in my ofc. cube,
thinking that i need to take a mental health day off tomorrow...
also i haven't been feeling too great,
as in down in the dumps kind of like the weather...
cause it's been cold still...around the 30's in my morning commute
& then turns to around 40's only during lunchbreak, then back to
the cold 30's on my way home...
plus, i have this nasal congestion
that i attribute to my reaction to the new meds. i need to take...
& to exacerbate the situation further,
i think i got my son's cold/cough...
i've been getting a few cough attacks that don't feel good at all.
no phlegm, but i have congestion both in my sinus & my lungs...
thank God i'm not yet spitting up some blood!

but yeah, tomorrow should be a day of rest for me,
not that i can ever just do NOTHING,
that's only when i'm really sick & dying & need to stay & sleep in bed all day...
that's when i catch a flu...
we've been lucky this winter with just short bouts of a cold, coughing spell...
no major flu bug has hit our home
& for that i'm so thankful to God.

but again, for tomorrow...
what should i do for my mental health day???
hmmm, i could re-arrange my clothes closet & organiZe it again....
even tho. i can't change it yet for Spring/Summer season...
i could at least take some clothes out that i hardly use,
& either donate them once again or just
store them upstairs in the attic...
the famous scary attic...
famous for it's unhealthy air thick with dust & useless junk lying around
collecting more dusts & mites...& dark & dank....

i should not venture up there in that attic
if i want my cough/cold to go away...
but i might just need to store some stuff away...
do a little clearing.

I think that's what i'll do on my mental health day off,
do some Feng Shui clearing of my living space...
where i sleep & relax,
where i cleanse myself & do my daily bodily functions,
like where i change my clothes for work & home,
& where we all eat & mingle-
enjoy each other's relaxing company, L-O-L


Hmmm, sounds like a project already.
well, better than being bored out of my head here in my cube...
with little things to do on the computer,
too much spare time to practice my Mavis Typing tutorial,
& other tutorials that i can come up with...
while there's too much to do at home...
there's got to be a balance somewhere...
so let me start at my homefront.

till next time,
happily blogging away,
- J

back on track....

Hello, so after that 3rd episode,
a 3 day stay in the Psych ER at Bayley Seton,
and of course meds, meds, & more meds...
i forgot what it was i was given that night, Sunday night,
that helped me finally rest my reactive mind,
& go to sleep...
my hubby says they had to give me Haldol,
(yup, the one that knocks u off your feet...)
so you can rest...good.
then they started me on
Klonopin, or clonazopine,
and Zyprexa or Olanzapine - (whatever, i forget the generic name,
all i know is at least it's not that most dreadful, dulling Risperdulllll!)
and i was just out from work for a total of 5 days - one week's worth of work,
since this last episode started happening the week before,
esp. from Friday night Feb 11 - till it culminated to
my voluntary checking-in to Bayley Seton hospital for treatment
on Sunday evening (feb. 13)
i feel sorry for my husband that i had to be in that locked hospital
on Valentine's day...
he was asking me if i remember that he brought me a dozen fresh roses in peach color,
but i had to admit to him the truth
that i was having some serious short-term memory loss...lately,
this is probably a by-product of my brain chemistry going out of whack,
my neurotransmitter getting all crossed & haywired,

but so what...it was just another day...
my timing in Life is really funny,
it is sometimes so off that it becomes like a joke...
except I am the joke or the Joker...
(to the tune of "I Started a Joke")

... i started a joke,
....that started the whole world crying....
....i didn't know the joke was on me...
.....& I started to cry,
... that started the whole world laughing.....

anyway, so what's next...Ms. dyslexic
(can't even type straight now)

welll...give me a little more time
& i'll surely think of something...
somethign to share
something to write about,
something to laugh & cry about...
something to blog about....

for now, i'm working on my draft...
hopefully someday, it will take the shape of
a readable book, some kind of fictional semi-autobiography
or is that, an autobiographical fiction???
since i'm writing about true events in my life anyway...
but it's subject to interpretation...
mine & ur interpretation...


whatever...
so, where am i again?!
i'm home now,
begging for some time for Me,
some peace & quiet with my 2 kids constantly demanding...
my attention, my time, my love...
it's ok, i take my breaks when i can...
like now.

i was just wondering what's next for me...
it seems being bi-polar can be a forever kinda condition...
like where can i run to...
when i can't really run away from mySelf...

so, i've learned not to be afraid
to face your worst demons,
your worst nightmare...
cause i've been there,
done that...
came back to life...
came back to me...

in fact, i wanted to go back to work after that 3 day hiatus...
i told my doctor that i am ready to go back to work...
it won't kill me...
since i'm already on the stabilizer meds.,
so back to work i was...
my hubby & i even had fun on our Broadway night of
"The Phantom of the Opera"
i was normal all throughout the night...
& just this past weekend...
we carried on with our first ever family ski-trip
to the Poconos,
with some family friends who also has 2 kids,
one of my best friends Rhaiza & his old best friend Ken...
they were a stabilizing factor to us too...
so that conversations were lighter, bearable & even fun
between me & my hubby...
the kids had a blast,
the Daddys went sledding with the little kids who aren't allowed to ski yet,
I, like a kid, had a blast too,
learning to ski in Mt. Shawnee for the very first time...
even did the lift with my girlfriend as my buddy...
only she was on her second time skiing,
& i was on my first...
she got to ski downhill without much trouble...
while i was up there on top of the downhill slopes,
fallen with my skis on one side & my poles on the other...
i must've looked really pathetic...
it must've been like 10 full minutes that i laid down on that snow...
& debated whether to even bother skiing downhill
or just get the damned skies off & walk it down with my ski boots,
both prospects were not very appealing...
but i was able to summon up enough courage
to finally make it downhill
with only 3 falls....
whew! what a relief & what a rush
to finally find my balance on those slippery slopes....
do i love the sport???
well, i can say i loved the feel of the mountains
in all that white snowy splendor,
& the cold wind on my face...
but not the pain on my butt & legs when i fell
down a few times,
I just need more lessons to really enjoy the sport...
right now, i can clearly feel the aches & pains...
not bad, but reminding me of my "ripe old-age" of 40....
yup, i must be having an early mid-life crisis...
with all these breakdowns...
BUT, it could be the exact opposite too....
i could be experiencing an early mid-life crisis
because in my next life (after how many more breakdowns...)
will be the breakthrough that i've been waiting for...
what am i waiting for????

- like what everybody else is looking for...
true happiness...
a complete sense of self.
a contentment that can only be explained as wisened through experience...
the experiential life is the only way for me to live...
I learn better that way...
my daughter even said to me one day...
that the way that i'm teaching her about LIFE is
by making her experience it...
not necessarily by the book,
or by talking too much about stuff that will make no sense later on
in her life...
i was so proud of myself & her when she said that...

she's kinda following my footsteps
in the school of Hard Knocks...
in this University of Life...

just as long as i know she's fine,
& my little boy Diego is fine too,
I usually am fine myself...
just a little incomplete...
maybe...
searching for my better (not bitter) half...
the Yang to my Yin...or the Yin to my Yang...

i know that someday
I will find IT.

till then,
what else can i do but make a Home out of every home
i live in.
till then,
travel on through these daily living...we all gotta do...
sometimes i get de-railed by my own over reactionary ways
of dealing with stuff...
sometimes it's just plain hormonal,
chemical imbalance of the brains...u know the deal,
for sure if & when i die,
don't try to use my brains for brain transplant onto anyone else,
unless he/she has the makings of an urban warrior...
someone ready to fight for what he/she believes in...
or he/she will just go mad...a berserk way of living!
not too appealing huh?

use my heart instead...
cause it is always half-full...
sometimes i even feel like it's a cup that runneth over...
in love....
i love to feel love & be loved...
so,
till then my love...
happy trails,
happy downhill-skiing,
keep pulling ur-SELF up whenever U fall,
& especially
enjoy the view...of
LIFE,
:) J