back on track....

Hello, so after that 3rd episode,
a 3 day stay in the Psych ER at Bayley Seton,
and of course meds, meds, & more meds...
i forgot what it was i was given that night, Sunday night,
that helped me finally rest my reactive mind,
& go to sleep...
my hubby says they had to give me Haldol,
(yup, the one that knocks u off your feet...)
so you can rest...good.
then they started me on
Klonopin, or clonazopine,
and Zyprexa or Olanzapine - (whatever, i forget the generic name,
all i know is at least it's not that most dreadful, dulling Risperdulllll!)
and i was just out from work for a total of 5 days - one week's worth of work,
since this last episode started happening the week before,
esp. from Friday night Feb 11 - till it culminated to
my voluntary checking-in to Bayley Seton hospital for treatment
on Sunday evening (feb. 13)
i feel sorry for my husband that i had to be in that locked hospital
on Valentine's day...
he was asking me if i remember that he brought me a dozen fresh roses in peach color,
but i had to admit to him the truth
that i was having some serious short-term memory loss...lately,
this is probably a by-product of my brain chemistry going out of whack,
my neurotransmitter getting all crossed & haywired,

but so what...it was just another day...
my timing in Life is really funny,
it is sometimes so off that it becomes like a joke...
except I am the joke or the Joker...
(to the tune of "I Started a Joke")

... i started a joke,
....that started the whole world crying....
....i didn't know the joke was on me...
.....& I started to cry,
... that started the whole world laughing.....

anyway, so what's next...Ms. dyslexic
(can't even type straight now)

welll...give me a little more time
& i'll surely think of something...
somethign to share
something to write about,
something to laugh & cry about...
something to blog about....

for now, i'm working on my draft...
hopefully someday, it will take the shape of
a readable book, some kind of fictional semi-autobiography
or is that, an autobiographical fiction???
since i'm writing about true events in my life anyway...
but it's subject to interpretation...
mine & ur interpretation...


whatever...
so, where am i again?!
i'm home now,
begging for some time for Me,
some peace & quiet with my 2 kids constantly demanding...
my attention, my time, my love...
it's ok, i take my breaks when i can...
like now.

i was just wondering what's next for me...
it seems being bi-polar can be a forever kinda condition...
like where can i run to...
when i can't really run away from mySelf...

so, i've learned not to be afraid
to face your worst demons,
your worst nightmare...
cause i've been there,
done that...
came back to life...
came back to me...

in fact, i wanted to go back to work after that 3 day hiatus...
i told my doctor that i am ready to go back to work...
it won't kill me...
since i'm already on the stabilizer meds.,
so back to work i was...
my hubby & i even had fun on our Broadway night of
"The Phantom of the Opera"
i was normal all throughout the night...
& just this past weekend...
we carried on with our first ever family ski-trip
to the Poconos,
with some family friends who also has 2 kids,
one of my best friends Rhaiza & his old best friend Ken...
they were a stabilizing factor to us too...
so that conversations were lighter, bearable & even fun
between me & my hubby...
the kids had a blast,
the Daddys went sledding with the little kids who aren't allowed to ski yet,
I, like a kid, had a blast too,
learning to ski in Mt. Shawnee for the very first time...
even did the lift with my girlfriend as my buddy...
only she was on her second time skiing,
& i was on my first...
she got to ski downhill without much trouble...
while i was up there on top of the downhill slopes,
fallen with my skis on one side & my poles on the other...
i must've looked really pathetic...
it must've been like 10 full minutes that i laid down on that snow...
& debated whether to even bother skiing downhill
or just get the damned skies off & walk it down with my ski boots,
both prospects were not very appealing...
but i was able to summon up enough courage
to finally make it downhill
with only 3 falls....
whew! what a relief & what a rush
to finally find my balance on those slippery slopes....
do i love the sport???
well, i can say i loved the feel of the mountains
in all that white snowy splendor,
& the cold wind on my face...
but not the pain on my butt & legs when i fell
down a few times,
I just need more lessons to really enjoy the sport...
right now, i can clearly feel the aches & pains...
not bad, but reminding me of my "ripe old-age" of 40....
yup, i must be having an early mid-life crisis...
with all these breakdowns...
BUT, it could be the exact opposite too....
i could be experiencing an early mid-life crisis
because in my next life (after how many more breakdowns...)
will be the breakthrough that i've been waiting for...
what am i waiting for????

- like what everybody else is looking for...
true happiness...
a complete sense of self.
a contentment that can only be explained as wisened through experience...
the experiential life is the only way for me to live...
I learn better that way...
my daughter even said to me one day...
that the way that i'm teaching her about LIFE is
by making her experience it...
not necessarily by the book,
or by talking too much about stuff that will make no sense later on
in her life...
i was so proud of myself & her when she said that...

she's kinda following my footsteps
in the school of Hard Knocks...
in this University of Life...

just as long as i know she's fine,
& my little boy Diego is fine too,
I usually am fine myself...
just a little incomplete...
maybe...
searching for my better (not bitter) half...
the Yang to my Yin...or the Yin to my Yang...

i know that someday
I will find IT.

till then,
what else can i do but make a Home out of every home
i live in.
till then,
travel on through these daily living...we all gotta do...
sometimes i get de-railed by my own over reactionary ways
of dealing with stuff...
sometimes it's just plain hormonal,
chemical imbalance of the brains...u know the deal,
for sure if & when i die,
don't try to use my brains for brain transplant onto anyone else,
unless he/she has the makings of an urban warrior...
someone ready to fight for what he/she believes in...
or he/she will just go mad...a berserk way of living!
not too appealing huh?

use my heart instead...
cause it is always half-full...
sometimes i even feel like it's a cup that runneth over...
in love....
i love to feel love & be loved...
so,
till then my love...
happy trails,
happy downhill-skiing,
keep pulling ur-SELF up whenever U fall,
& especially
enjoy the view...of
LIFE,
:) J