Life & Death in the middle of Coronavirus

Today, first day of May, I woke up so early, as has been my usual since the start of 2020 --- at 4:00 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I am like that a lot, an early bird with so much energy in the morning.

So, what could I do that early? It’s Friday, a digital learning day for me as a middle school special educator.  I did not want to dive into work right away. So, I meditated for a few minutes, emptied left-over stuff in my head from fuzzy dreams the night before.  Then, went on Facebook, and checked out recent videos that have been shared.

I was struck by two especially poignant stories… One was from a father who just recently lost his 12 year old son to suicide during these Coronavirus crazy times…and the second story was told by another father, losing yet another child, his daughter - an ER doctor fighting this silent war right in the trenches of New York City, Mt. Sinai Hospital… She was also lost to suicide.

I shared these two real stories to my Facebook feed… and I just want everyone out there who reads these to realize that Coronavirus is not just a deadly physical pandemic, but it could might as well be a great emotional & mental malady of our times.  These two very real stories brought tears to my eyes…

I have suffered from post-partum depression back when I had my second child; and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 1, the kind where you have some weird hallucinations and heard voices.  I call them my friends and guides now, these voices in my head.  I used to be scared of them, not knowing who and what the heck they were… but not anymore.  The more I realized that these voices are not from outside of me, but inside from the deepest recesses of my being…even probably memories of past lives coming into light…I am no longer afraid to listen to them and accept them in without fear or judgement. Sometimes, I listen and just let it slide…other times, depending on the mood, I really listen and analyze what it all means.

This morning, I cried some tears, for these two humans, two very human….human beings --- the 12 year old boy whose birthday was in two days; and the oh so brave ER doctor who contracted COVID 19 while working and still went back to work after a week of recovery, just because she was an awesome responsible doctor.  According to their fathers, they both showed no apparent signs of depression & were fairly happy individuals.  But these times can get to the best of us…. There are really those among us suffering internally and silently right now during this crisis that we are not even aware of sometimes… Please be gentle with yourself and with others.

 

It makes me wonder about my students.  Yesterday, at yet another long virtual Zoom meeting with my Team and Assistant Principal, we wrangled & wrestled with ideas on how to help those students who are not passing our classes and not doing their Digital Learning assignments.  No matter how much we, as teachers, try our very best to the point of exhaustion every day to reach out to them and give them the best and simplest assignments possible… we still could not reach them. We try everything, all tools from our teacher toolbox: call & email parents regularly, make funny, engaging selfie videos every morning for our daily instructions, create Zoom live class sessions, do Art for them to show how much we care & miss them… our students are still elusive as butterflies.  Sometimes, they’re there, logging in and choosing to do certain assignments, and most times they are not.  Except for the few handful of students, steadfast and determined to have passing grades by the end of all this…perhaps due to their parents’ efforts or their own persistence & character. I admire these kids immensely and I would work even for that one or two kids attending my live Zoom sessions. For them, what I do as a teacher is worthwhile… I will continue to strive hard for these kids to thrive and be successful despite the odds they may be facing.

For this is not just a physical & visible disease, but an emotional, mental as well as a social disease.  Coronavirus has shown us how disparate and discrepant our socio-educational systems are in this great first world country we live in. It shows us so many factors why some kids succeed and some don’t… and not due to the fact of their own doing.  I mean, odds are so stacked against some of my students: most don’t have access to a good computer, laptop, device, whatever; and even though our school (being a Title 1 school) loans them a device such as a Chromebook, their families cannot afford good internet service.  Why don’t we have universal Internet for all students yet? 

In addition to not having the proper tools for learning, these students struggle at home with their home lives; some have so many siblings that they can’t even focus; some have to babysit their younger brother or sister, some have parents who do not speak English and cannot read or help them in any way with their digital assignments, some kids’ parents are essential workers who have to work long hours during the day or night, and some kids’ parents have become unemployed with no income coming into their household.. Not to mention, my kids, my students already struggle having learning disabilities...How can they have proper guidance at home with all the distress and uncertainties?  Everyone is lost in their own personal struggles, trying to hold things together… who has the time and energy to hold these kids’ hands and assure them that everything will be okay??? Some of my students have said that this Coronavirus is just a lie and they want to go back to school so badly to see their friends again…and when will this ever end.  And it is so heartbreaking to listen to them. I hear their frustrations as they try to go through their crappy phone devices to complete assignments that are not geared towards cell phones… they’re just not user-friendly, so my students give up.  I want to give up too but I totally get it.  Frustrating as it may seem, we still try, and try, and try some more… until the very last day of school, which for us here is May 20^th (the day before my birthday).  14 more days, including today… We, special educators, are to reach out some more, with more last ditch efforts to get these kids to at least take their Final Exams online… We need a little miracle… a little Hail Mary!