strange, i have to re-type some of what i remember from my blog of yesterday - Feb.20
& i'm having this short-term memory loss that i probably will not be able to remember all of what i was trying to say...here....
anyway,
let's just do poetry....
something happened again
within the chemistry of my brains...
all i wanted was to get off my meds...
be myself again...
with my cup half-full or half-empty,
regardless,
i just wanted to express myself the way i want to....
but then these voices in the back of my mind
would come around & pay me a visit
without warning,
they love surprising me....
& what i got from them &
how i was behaving last week,
especially the 3 days leading up to my hospitalization...
i dont' really wanna call it that,
i'd rather call it my vacation, a hiatus away from Home,
to do some repairs within my neurotransmitters....
(it's like science-fiction - story of my Life)
SO,
these voices, some are angels
& some might be akin to the darker side,
i don't care....
i try to listen & decide for myself
what's right & what's real
& what are illusions....
hard to tell sometimes
when you're under the influence
of these crazy chemical imbalance....
but i wouldn't trade my brains for the world...., not even for a million $$$$;
i think I'm unique,
i believe i'm gifted,
i just can't see yet what i have to offer
the world or even in my little community
with this gift of "empathy/intuition"
i call it that, because i don't think i'm too much of a psychic....
& i would hate to be a psychic where when people find out...
they won't stop bugging u for some clues or numbers to predict
a winning for a lottery or a jackpot or some tips for bounty hunters....
No, i just want to listen to the voices as quietly & sacredly as i can....
i know that this is a gift from the Supreme Being,
not to be used heavily, meaning i should use it "lightly" - Light as in for enlightenment & no other reasons for being, neither for any other purposes but for knbowledge
& understanding alone....
Since wednesday night thru Saturday & even Sunday
when i managed to attend my future sister-in-law & my brothers' baby shower
(their baby girl is due in APril? how exciting it is to welcome a newborn
babe into our so crazy, mixed up world)
still is a wonderful world.....
(*note: song playing is L. Armstrong's "what a wonderful world....")
so back again to those friendly, mysterious liefguards of mine,
what do they say to me?
u might wonder....
they say good things & bad things can happen....
sometimes at the same time,
when something or someone is lost,
something or someone will be regained....
in one of my songs -
i wrote,
"everybody keeps so much pain inside
why don't they just realize
there's no need for Fear,
no need for wasted tears.....
we all have to move on,
follow our own dreams,
we all have to move on,
Follow our own
Dreams......"
So back to my angels' voices
they keep telling me to be on guard,
watch over my kids like a military Mom,
& if i could, i probably be watching other people's kids too,
to make sure they're safe from harm,
happy & able to express themselves fully....
with cups overflowing with goodness,
brimming over with happiness.....
but reality takes hold & i realize I'm only One person here....
trying to take on the weight of the world....
why do i always do that?
my best friend KQ thinks i'm too much,
i get too intense with what i want to do or even say...
but, i can't really help it,
i tell her...that's just the way it is...
that's how I was made, that's how God created me...
a flawed, empathic, silly, strong but sometimes weak human being...
not perfect, & not even near the Perfection that i want to achieve in my Life....
so let me tell you what happened, my story:
during the 3 days/nights - Wednesday to Friday eve,
i even lost Saturday in my memory
i cannot remember at all what i did & said that day....
& i have to ask my Mom & my daughter & my hubby...
what was i doing then?
i only remember that i was very quiet, no words,
just watching my kids especially how they interact with each other
& really made me happy to know that they already have great minds of their own....
my son D, is usually funny & loves to act out,
& my 13 yr old daughter - M,
is always the wise one,
in control of her surroundings including her baby brother...
so as i was watching them i felt a great relief that
Yes, i've been raising them well,
as best as i could - but maybe i need to do even better...
without becoming a strict nagging mom....
so i had fun with them.....
i ask D some questions, what u would call profound questions
reserved for grown ups,
& he & his sister would come up with surprisingly wise answers....
they're like Pooh & Eye-ore!
I love them sooooo,
& their well being & love have been my anchor, my lighthouse,
what have kept me going through all these episodes...
So because i know somethings were getting out of sync
in my brain chemistry...again?!
i really had no choice but to ask my hubby to take me to the
Psych. E.R....
(well he tells me later that my big brother the Dr. talked to him & my Mom & devided for me also that it's best that my hubby take me to the hospital A.S.A.P....with hopes that there i will be able to rest my weary mind....
i couldn't stand the noise of the voices anymore....
it's not driving me crazy or paranoid like the last 2 episodes....
only this time, i feel a need to decipher what those voices are really saying to me....
that my dear friend, is still a question better left unanswered for now...
only Time will tell, Time is all i have....
Time is my ally & yours too...
it is the worst & the best Taskmaster...(I've said this too many times before...)
if i don't have patience with my self
Time will teach me how to be patient....
& if i'm in too much of a rush...
Time will prove to me that there is no need to rush
i might even avoid an accident here or there....
when i'm rushing....
*another story,
like what happened on the fateful day of the Twin Towers crumbling down...
because of some extremist's fanaticism....
if not for my little boy's asking me to play with him a little longer
on that morning, & asking me to put on his shoes for him....
i might have been one of them who were on the bus
going to downtown Manhattan & arriving there at exactly that time 9:13 am or so
& bear witness to all the CHAOS of that day, ( & weeks after)that fateful regular working-day morning for most of us, that turned into a dark & mournful bloodbath....
that's going down in History...
who knows, since i used to take the express bus from S.I. that time,
i could've been one of those who witnessed people actually holding hands to jump together
like paratroopers with no parachutes....only dressed in their office clothes (i wonder if some of them jumped carrying their bags with them along??? just a curious thing for me, maybe some did, thinking they can save somethings in their bag....) I see them now as freebirds like the seagulls & pigeons that abound along that beautiful Hudson River....
If i was just a little earlier, i could've been hit by some World Trade Center debris of glass & metal & rocks....
So thanks to Time & my son's intuition i was saved from that....
and because there is synchronicity in our Lives...
that didn't happen to me...
it wasn't my time yet...
I took the later bus because my son asked to play with me a little bit longer
....that's fate is it not?
U really gotta listen to your children more than u already do...they're instinctive little folks....
that dream & play a lot, but with hearts & mind so open that they are truly sensitive to things we've forgotten or taken for granted....
& then all I saw & experienced was the huge debris that looks like a cloud of black, gray,& a dirty mustard colored skyline, full of soot & whatever other chemicals produced by those tons of debris...
& different colors in the sky that morning of mourning with lots & lots of office destruction, from furnitures, computer, office machines to billions of papers flying all over downtown Manhattan.......papers that have become meaningless all in a matter of minutes....seconds....
my fear as i was running away from those massive clouds of debris was that it looked like a chemical explosion, or something straight out of a war movie
that i thought belongs more to the wars in the Persian gulf...not here in mighty New York City...
it's the stuff that sci-fi-war movies are made of.....
when my bus was about to get into the Brooklyn Battery tunnel,
we were all stalled by traffic...
& it seemed like an eternity,
cause we already saw one of the towers' with some thing that looks like an explosion
on one or two of the floors up high,
we saw that the first tower had some small explosion happening it seemed...
it didn't look that huge until we heard what's going on inside the tunnel...
from those with their car radios working....or cell phones working...to contact the outside world (meaning those who weren't close to the scene of the crime...those in Midtown,
Uptown or other suburbs ... were all experiencing their anguish in the news....)
THAT WAS NEWS, THAT changed History....that was a humbling wake-up call for most of us....to Live Life as tho it was your last....
but for those who died unprepared...what have they got??? what did they leave behind???...why did people have to be martyred for who's causes????
(*that my friend, has been my question since then till now....)
was it worth it, to die for a country that joins in War games that really should not be our
business...mind your own business & work peacefully together on a global level, no more of these regionalistic, religious extremisms... maybe we can find the keys towards world peace....maybe someday,
but i certainly hope that that someday is coming soon.
take a look at your immediate surroundings Mr. Prezident...
especially the poorer sections of America, the marginalized folks living off the grid...who are now growing in statistical numbers....
where is the Love?
where is the Love???
where are the bilion dollars being sent?
To produce more war-related agendas,
more powerful guns, bazookas, machine guns, grenades, ak47s, more gas-guzzling & space invading Humvees!...etc. etc. too much on the military agenda that i get lost in what we can only see & hear about in our controlled media...
taxpayers's money going for the top of the line fighter jetplanes, top of the line equipments of mass destruction...
well so much for that point,
let me continue with my story of that day,
.....but the bus driver did not stop yet,
we were still slowly inching our way into that over-ly crowded tunnel,
people feeling anxioud, because why????
because we're all connected by a common thread of
wanting to survive & helping people too....
even tho. we really did not know,
we knew something more than major was happening outside that Brooklyn Battery Tunnel,
we just wanted to step outside under the bright broad daylight to see...
what was happening on our very soil of NewYork downtown Manhattan,
transported me to someplace like Baghdad burning....
BUT, despite the fears & common apprehension
some of us...decided to get off the bus,
we wanted to find out for ourselves,
someone had a cell phone that was working & he shared the news with us
as we were walking to the other side...
that the Twin Towers were hit, both of them,
by 2 commercial planes crashing right into the tower buildings....
causing it to burn & collapse with all the melting steel & crumbled slowly then all of a sudden
crumbled into a million ton of debris & broken steel...., broken buildings, broken hearts of people who used to make that their second home - their workplace....
& not to mention, broken spirits,
but for me, those people who decided to hold hands
say a prayer for each one of them....
then jumped off their burning building...
they did it the best way they think they would want to go....
& that's how it went....
a good Samaritan stockbroker guy, (typical italian dude whose name i forgot...)
was kind enough to offer me & this other lady a ride to Bay Ridge where he lives with his family & 3 boys
so we can try & make a call to our homes from there...
of course i forgot my cell phone....so
i had to use their phone too....
the italian dude. i forgot his name now (how could i ?!)
& his nice typlical Italian wife invited me to have pizza lunch with them....
as we were watching whatever other chaos was going on out there...
bridges were closed, subway lines that go downtown were not working,
only a few buses were running & it was on local stops....
& that's what i had to take to go back home to my familly
who were worried sick about me....
funny how 2 of my best girlfriends found me at that Italian home's phone no.
they called my Mom, whom i called first before calling my husband...
& she gave them the tel. no. where i was resting temporarily,
my temporary shelter in the comforts of this nice & funny family,
they had two boys, whose names i forgot too...
(i wish i had kept their names cause i wasn't even able to keep in touch with them after that)
but they have my prayer of gratitude forever....
So there, i was talking about the Perfect time...
that sometimes things happen in synchronicity....
U just have to listen to your inner voice/voices,
& live a Life that is peaceful & honoring your word,
respecting your loved ones & everyone around you....
cause if & when the ultimate destruction ball comes down....
we will all be playing the survival game....
& maybe too late....
there will be no place else to run....
we are allon the same ship,
& if our leaders are not in the careful & wise frame of mind...
this ship could sink like the Titanic...wouldn't it?
It's better to be safe than sorry,
or better yet,
it's better to be wise,
than sorry, much sorrier later
cause when u really think about it,
it's about our friends, lovers & hubbies & wives & mothers, & fathers
& especially our kids....
there's this native American saying that goes"
It was not given to you by your parents,
it was loaned to you
by your children.
We do not inherit the Earth from our ancestors,
we borrow it from our children."
they always, always call people to fight for PEACE...
Love, Understanding, LovingKindness, compassion towards your neighbors
(even if you hate them)....but love them still,
cause they can be your best teachers....in Life,
in Buddhism they say that you should be thankful that God gave u enemies
because they are the best teachers for you to learn Love, Forgiveness &
later on Transformation of your relationship to them....
by that stage - U would have been transformed by Love too....
so as Jesus Christ :
create a good side of them to make them lovable..."Love your enemies,
as you love your SELF"
that;s all?? sounds easy right, but difficult to achieve....at the first sign of annoyance for someone pestering you....LOL -
i don't even know why, that memory of 9-11-01 stays in my brains
& in order to exorcise it so as not to cause more grief,
but transform my/our energies to positive
instead of Hate & revenge; regret & guilt & murderous thoughts to get back at someone, something, some whoever?!!!
revenge & all those other negativities....
we need to wash that out of our system....
what's done is done now,
we need to undo the damage that was our legacy from that legendary crash of the Twin Towers, by transforming our angry & sometimes evil thoughts
especially of revenge....
for what is that other saying from the Holy Mahatma Gandhi.....
"....an eye for an eye will make the whole world go Blind."
i need to write more about it....
but this blog is getting too long...
BUT, back down to reality here & what happened to me in those 3 days & nights of no sleep...
& of anxiety being driven by my thoughts that were racing at some higher frequency level,
even sometimes i cannot grasp the ideas being presented to me....
those damned auditory hallucinations, & those damned spirits roaming around our human plane to whisper some messages of whatever.... damned them (* just kidding)
i welcome them, as long as i don;t have to end up in a straightjacket or stretcher.....
This time around, i was just a little off-synch,
like a "desafinado" - a song that's slightly out of tune...
because why, i was tuning into some other higher/lower? frequencies....
I'll be the first one to admit,
that I am no psychic,
just maybe more of an empath....
(those creatures that can feel what other people feel, or sense with their 5-6 senses
what really is going on in the kitchen or the backdrop that we people continually put up
to protect our egos....)
I don't want EGO trips,
i am trying to learn this Ego game & slowly get rid of it....
slowly of course, it's hard to unlearn what you've been ingrained, brainwashed with some kind of selective education, picked out by the Board (bored) of regents in your schools....
brainwashed by all the negative lies we've convinced ourselves that we're not good enough
to even try....
that my friend, is what i mean.....
i 'm trying to slowly peel off layers upon layers of my own skin like an onion, to reach to the bottom of my soul....& learn to make soul decisions mindfully & with lovingkindness...
even if it makes me cry most of the time....
to just get to know the real Me...
what future i want to create....
what future am i creating for my kids & grandkids to be.....
i remember pacing back & forth on the evenings when i couldn't sleep, pacing from our bedroom to the kitchen, then the living room & finally checking in the master's bedroom where D & his Daddy were fast alseep & peaceul.....
& checking the view outside our bedrooms from behind window blinds....
checking for anything out of the ordinary....
also, i was checking the heater & the gas stove for any subtle smell of gas....
it was like being on a mission against anything TOXIC....
weird as it may seem to U....
it makes a lot of sense to me....
when i could'nt force myself to sleep,
it started happening again last Wednesday night....
tried to sleep really early (like 10:30pm - that's normal early time for me.)
but when i laid down on my bed,
i kept on looking at my alarm clock sitting right next to my bed....
& counting the hours of how long i could last without sleep...
finally it wsa 3:30am....i prayed to God & finally my brains got tired....
& blissful sleep came upon me....
i know i had nice dreams but i don't remember them now....
hopfully i'll remember them tomorrow....
or some other more relaxing nights & remember all the goodness,
that heals me & most everybody once they've tasted that love,
that unconditional love that seem to belong mostly amongst angels & Gods....
----- till then,
keeping my head clear & open for the U in YOU,
& keeping my heart pure & open for the I in I....
till next time....
"each morning i wake up....
i say a little prayer for U...."
later maybe,
- J
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