my Mom's birthday

today is Tuesday, March 1st & my Mom's 68th Birthday...
as is my tradition since she started living with me
to help me out with my babies growing up....
I always take a personal day-off from work to just be with her...
& help her with whatever she wants to do & celebrate that day...
today i asked her if she wanted to go see a movie
since there are so many good movies out...
I myself want to go see "Constantine" - sounds like a really good story,
she wanted to see "Phantom of the Opera"
(which i just recently saw with my hubby on a sort of post-Valentine's date
on Broadway- Majestic Theatre - i thought it was great...
great production & all,
but my favorite is still Les Miserables on Broadway - because of the
beautiful songs & story...)

well, since it started snowing here in NY yesterday afternoon,
& it only got thicker overnight,
now she doesn't feel like going to the movies...too cold maybe?

So, i'm just preparing to cook a Flip. dish called
Pancit Bihon (Chinese-influenced food made up of fine rice noodles with either chicken strips, mushrooms, vegies like bamboo shoots, waterchestnuts, green beans, etc.., all mixed in once the rice noodles have been prepared - all i have to do is throw everything together - sauteing it until all the flavors settle & is good to the taste test!) That simple.
I want to do things simpler nowadays....
especially since i notice i got no choice anyway.
Each time i overdo stuff,
like plan too many activities for fun or even not for fun at one time...
or if i get too overly sensitive over what my hubby & i argue about....
it's like I'm the only one heading for a breakdown! (how can everybody stay sane all the time in these very insane times??? i don't get it....)
sometimes i just want to run away & hide!

my best friends, KQ and DJ,
tells me all the time
that i'm too hard on myself...
that i should take it easier...on my own expectations of myself
& expectations of others around me...

so,i am trying my best to keep it simple...
what was it someone told me was a favorite 70's expression
or maybe it's from the 60's...
K.I.S.S. - Keep it Simple, Seeker.
or maybe they really meant...
Keep it Simple & Stupid....
however way they meant it,
it's good enough for me...

back to my Mom's b-day....
it's kinda sad,
that it's been almost what, 18 years now
that she's been celebrating her birthdays with us her kids...
(tho. none of us are kids anymore,
i'm 40 now, my oldest brother must be 43,
& the rest of my brothers are all around 30-ish,
the youngest of all was my brother who was conceived by accident
- what else is new huh? that's Philippine's birth control for you that doesnt; really work - third world blues...)
my youngest brother must be only in his late twenties,
he's 10 yrs. younger than our second to the last brother (my fifth brother who became a doctor, thanks to me & Mom, for our persistence & consistency
in sending him his tuition money for med school back when he was still a student in the Philippines - one of the top Universities for Medicine there - University of Santo Tomas, run by the catholic Dominican order....) they were cool priests & also human....i got nothing against them at all....

but as i was saying...
my Mother must have learned to change a lot of her old habits
those nagging habits of getting used to anticipating her old husband's
(my daddy) being able to celebrate with her on their birthdays....
especially since they were born only 1 day apart...
my Dad's bday is Feb. 28 & my Mom's is March 1st....
sometimes when we get a leap year,
we celebrate their birthday on Feb. 29th....
a grand celebration for both all in one day...
it's fun!

I know that my Mommy misses my Daddy a lot....
same way i missed having a father to run to esp.
around the time when i was in High School & College....
when it would've been nice to have someone -
a father figure to help me figure stuff out,
especially about boys or men....
it's all the same....
i bet my Mommy had to rely only on her Faith
as i did, taking leaps of faith,
sometimes wearing my heart out on my sleeves carelessly,
& more often than usual guarding my heart against
any "predatory" wolves out there...
who in my young heart could be pretty charming, fun &
quite an adventure, like a fun ride....

with my Mommy, it's different;
because she never was interested in getting remarried.
She would not admit that she wanted to remain faithful to my
Daddy who was the unfaithful one in the relationship....
nothing too hard to bear now that i'm 40,
fact is, I even got closer to my sister & little brother same age as my
youngest brother here...from his second wife....
living in Mississauga Toronto, Canada....
Well, my Mommy's excuse is she's married to Jesus
or in other simpler words,
she has devoted her free time to praying,
getting together with her "Handmaids of the Lord"
or religious groups like "Couples for Christ"....
that i think is very good, it's all good...
but not for me anymore....
i did my share of Catholic education,
& lately i realize where my soul is really called to...
it's Tibetan Buddhism...so simple & peaceful than most other
philosophies

believe me, i had my share of being very, very religious...
back in my homecountry the Philippines,
your religion sometimes is the only thing that keeps you from
taking the knife...
like if it was a choice of killing yourself or someone else
because of poverty...because of whatever, usually in a third world
it is a poverty of resources, money, livelihood, even hope....
so it was a choice one consciously makes to Believe in a GOD,
& try their darnedest way to keep their heart in the right place...
beleiving that there is a better future out there somewhere
waiting to be found as long as they continue working
for their family, for shit-pay, or renting in what would be
considered a tenement or squatter's area here in the U.S....

so, i chose to be closer to God
& all the many faces/phases of our Mother Mary....
rather than get caught up in the vicious cycles happening outside
my home & outside the church of committing
petty crimes just because there's poverty in the family...
well, the church we used to go to,
was like a Sanctuary to me....
i joined the sunday choir there that played Filipino religious folk-guitar
& also some folkie english church songs....
& i continued doing this through College,
except i joined a semi-professional concert chorus that performs all over
Manila & even toured in the US & Canada (i think)
but i didn't join that tour, because of economics....
i had no sponsor to sponsor me for that trip....
(sigh) money, money, money...
makes the world go round right?

i say, MONEY - "Damned if U have it, Damned if U don't!"
there's gotta be some kind of balance....in the World.

So, my Mommy seems to be quite content with our little parties,
her weekend get together with other fellow filipinas/& their husbands,
& attend their masses by Filipino or American priests sometimes,
& say their monthly 2,000 Hail Marys',
which is supposed to be a novena to Mother Mary for PEACE
& towards an end to this war....
this is where she is happiest & most active....
aside from the wonder that she does by taking care of my daughter & son....
her "Apos" (grandkids)....she already helped take care of my older brother's
3 kids when they were just little...
& she transferred to be with me...
to help me with my little kids....
& now that we're moving on to Atlanta, GEORGIA....
i wonder where she will want to go....& live with....
Me? while i'm kinda in transition, no job security yet,
& not even a very secure marriage....but, with 2 beautiful kids....

or maybe My Mommy will want to stay here in Jersey City,
with all her prayer group friends,
& help my youngest brother in taking care of their new coming
little baby girl...
(seems to be the role she took on, the story of her life
ever since my Daddy left us...)

whatever, she decides,
i will honor it....
she & I have gone this far to know that
we will always be there for each other,
no question about it....
nothing need to be said....
just ask, & it will be given.

So, for now,
so lucky that my son Diego who did not have school today
because of the snow here (about 4-6 inches only!)
so lucky that he fell asleep while listening to my music on the PC,
(Everything but the Girl, & Josh Groban's first CD)....
& my Mommy on the phone with her friends,
i'm so lucky to have this luxury of time to Blog...

& soon enough, gotta stop....
& start with my chores of cooking that Pancit Bihon
but first...
take care of my SELF...
I'm gonna go for a long nice, hot shower
with aromatherapy of lavender body wash,
& listening to my music....
sing in the showers as tho i'm "singing in the rain"

anyway,
see, I am happy today...
how can i not be???
No work, beautiful white blanket of snow outside...
yet not too much that it's a struggle to shovel...
just mild & so peaceful when everything looks white
on top of tree branches & on those two benches under a dogwood tree,
i always see from our kitchen & bedroom window
(I see it now as i'm blogging)....

well, till then,
gotta get back to....
doing more stuff....
oh did i tell u, i have finally caught up with my
family photo albums?!
now THAT is an achievement not to be dismissed....
cause i love doing my family scrapbooks....
& next in line,
are my kids artworks...
which are here & there...somewhere....
i have to put them in one central place
like their very own scrapbooks....

both my hubby & i have different albums,
like his is on his MAC computer,
hard drive, & also on CD's....
mine is in CD's but i also like to
keep the print photos for like a souvenir...
to be placed on my future coffee tables...
a good conversation piece...
or just a good way to see how
our lives roller-coastered through times...
fast froward & backwards....
i noticed how i have a couple of years where i didn't have a lot of photos....
& i know why,
those were the years i had my attacks/ my episodes OK!
of whatever, manic-depression, bipolar-disorder....
so even the pictures are in disarray or
well at the very least, not in chronological order....
so what...
it's what can be salvaged that's KEY,
a picture can say more than a thousand words right??

well, (sigh) gotta sign off for now...
later again, promise....
LUV & BIG HUGS!!!!
& to my MOMMY - all the best, & the happiest birthday ever...
more to come....straight from my Heart to hers,
& Yours,...
:) J
yogi Berra - "it ain't over till it's over..."