my weekend...

saturday...
(this blog came about as my hubby & i
had a heated argument (*well it's been a long while since we had one)
...we were on our way to catch the ferry
to spend some time with our little boy & a few friends
in the city, to have lunch...
& these are my musings about what happened...

missed the boat again...
i wonder sometimes, if i have totally missed the boat???
the one with a flag waving "Marital Bliss"...
or a cruise that advertises smooth sailing...
altho. i'm old enough to realize that's just false advertising
& that any relationship esp. a marriage,
especially a 2nd marriage with kids!
...one from a previous marriage & one from this...
is not always going to be smooth sailing,
there's bound to be a lot of rough patches of wind
& storms that can really rock the boat....
a lot of disagreements & misunderstandings
before the understandings set it...
but we've been married 5 years now...almost six in the summer...
& still...
Marriage is a lot of work...i know,
but why does mine seem like too much effort
just to stay afloat???
& when the littlest thing gets blown out
into another exchange of bitterness & venom...
it can get pretty toxic...
another fight over
"who started it all,
who got mad first,
who is losing his temper now,
who is really immature???
there u go again!
You're always like this!"
all this useless pointing fingers when
it is so damned obvious to me,
(i don't understand why he doesn't get it!)
that the finger that's doing all the pointing
should really be pointed back at yourself first...

& there i go again wondering...where did i go wrong?
when even the most petty things escalate into
an unrecognizable anger...on both our parts...
an untrained mind's reaction to somebody else's untrained mind...
who wins in the end???
who wins at war anyway?
any kind of war,
from the smallest war of words between couples,
friends, lovers & enemies...
to the bigger picture...like...
our war with Iraq...
who really wins when everybody gets hurt
one way or another,
whether physically, mentally...
or the deeper emotional wounds
that leave some pretty deep but invisible-to-the-eye scars...

that's why i told him (my husband)
when he accused me once again of always wanting to win...
i just stopped myself from getting any madder,
& maybe stopped him dead on his tracks...
by saying...
"No, i know I lost in this one...
I am really the loser here..."
this war between us...
i admit that I totally lost...
& miserably failed in our marriage...
but just for him to remember this same
conversation...cause it keeps repeating,
& repeating, as tho beating
a dead horse with a stick."

& now that i'm learning to admit my defeat,
i need to retreat,
in my own world where i feel safer again...
where i don't need to take anybody's judgements of me...
especially from one who's supposed to be my partner in Life?!
what kind of a life would that be???
hopefully here in my retreat
i will find some peace of mind...
hopefully as it became uncomfortably quiet between us...
he'll remember this conversation...
for its same accusations,
same waste of precious energy...
being blamed that i have once again
succeeded in ruining his day...our day...
i hope he will remember this conversation
one day when (not IF) I finally leave,
cause it holds the very same reasons why
i need to leave in the first place...
it's not because i'm selfish as he always accuses me of...
but it's because i need to be selfish
& take care of my own sanity,
find that quiet,
that peace,
& slowly work my way around
finding my balance again...

All he could say to me
to end this ferris-wheel conversation,
was ...
this is what i do...
when things get a little tough,
is that i want to leave & give up,
& talk about divorce again...
always ends up to be me
who's always on the wrong side...
& i just shrugged it off once again...
another carousel ride for me.

& in the thick silence,
our little boy who sat quietly through all this,
said in his sweet & all-knowing little voice,
"Mommy,
& I said, "Yes baby?"
"I love you"
& i almost choked, but kept quiet,
& he goes on to say...
"But I love Daddy too."
& i said,..."I know, Baby...
I love you too..."
& he replied:
"I'm sick of all this talking,
& all your fighting..."
...& both my hubby & i kept very still
& feeling ashamed, i know i did...
of our oh-so-grown-up ways of being,
& it's our little 5-year old
who can make more sense of it,
who can cut through all the bullshit,
we're putting him through...
& it gets clearer to me by the second...
& i said, "Sorry Baby"...
but my husband didn't...
he just kept on driving with his stone-cold face...
probably thinking i'm the only one who should be sorry...

well, maybe...
maybe it's time to face the music
that we haven't been really up to facing...
time to admit that we have both failed,
miserably to make each other happy...
we've been staying together for the sake of
"Family" with a big fucking F,
i know we were only trying
to do the right thing...
by staying together
for our son's sake,
& my daughter who's 13...
they could probably only take
so much upheaval in their young life
... then followed by my depression...
another year of waiting things out...
another year of needing support from all my family,
until the horizon kinda clears a little...

but now...
it's plain to see,
how we're just so wrong for each other,
how no one of us is right
when the other always makes
the other one wrong...
when it's only a warped mirror
reflecting on yourself...
who's right, who's wrong
doesn't really matter in the end...
two people trying to be right all the time
turns out all wrong....

& that i think is how
we totally missed the boat...


* after the boat ride
where we just avoided talking
& i was left to write these notes in my notepad...
we were cool with each other...
but we spent the day
mostly pretending that nothing's wrong between us...
we managed to have a great time,
thanks to the neutralizing effect of friends & some strangers...
at least we were forced to be decent to each other...
then we walked a long way down from
Chinatown to the Village with those same nice friends,
& managed to pass the time away quite nicely...
thanks again to those friends,
& our child's magical ability to be in the moment,
forget about past hurts,
& not yet knowing what a war of pride is all about...

thank God for that,
my friends & my kids...
i think i can stay afloat a little bit longer
just to set things straight between us.

- J

purses, bags, backpacks, luggages & all kinds of baggages...

ever noticed how people are so attached to their bags/baggages?

just this morning, on my commute
i decided to get coffee on the boat instead of getting it from my coffee vendor
to sip at leisure in my cube...
well, that means not a lot of seat left to enjoy the view
so i looked around & sat as close to the view of the ferry approaching downtown manhattan,
& found one ok spot - if not for this guy's computer bag (excuse me, it's leather so...)
sitting right where i want to sit & enjoy my coffee...
thinking that he would move his bag, i sat down beside him...
& whatdya' know, he wouldn't move an inch of himself or his bag!
(as if he paid for that space!! when we all know the ferry ride is still free)
i looked at him with my "if looks could kill" eyes but...
he pretended not to care...
of course, this must be tough on his part too...
no one, but no one, has ever been able to withstand my cold, flying dagger looks...
he must be truly insensitive, having chills up & down his spine, or totally numb in the mornings!
...So, i shrugged it off,
moved a few inches towards the other side of this warm wooden bench...
mtm, the guy sitting next to me, an older dude with a pouch belly,
gave me the "look" as i placed my coffee gingerly between us
...that small space for my butt, my precious morning drug (the coffee),
& the guy on my left's computer bag, & this guy with the pouch belly...
made my morning something to sigh & blog about...
it's like a Charlie Chaplin silent movie...
& i'm the damsel in distress...except i'm annoyed, not distressed.

makes me wonder out loud,
what is so precious about all our bags???
women with their purses, book bags filled with other smaller bags...
like cosmetic bags, lipstick cases, fanny packs ( i can't imagine how they got that name!)
cell phone bags, black book bags, lunch bags & other junk,
& you get men, with their computer bags, backpacks filled with
God knows what?!
it's like, Hello!!! why are we lugging our life around with us...
on our daily grind...to & from work???
when most probably we won't even have any time
to even look at the contents of these baggages,
or at best do the errands, reading books, writing notes
that we plan for carrying these baggages around with us...
all day long...only to throw them at the floor of our cubes/ or offices,
inconsequentially forgotten until it's time to close shop again & go home?
& we do this day in,
& day out...
trudging with our heavy bags as tho they're our beasts of burden...

i used to be guilty of carrying my life around me,
wherever i go,
even if it's just to work
or for a quick jaunt in the city...
but that's my commuter mentality,
afraid to leave anything behind...
afraid to let go of important stuff from home,
in case what?!
in case I die on my way to & from work?!
which could happen, by some freakish coincidence,
& sometimes unfortunately happens to some unfortunate souls,
like the freak accident on the S.I. Ferry last year?!
But when that happens,
a one in a million chance...
how does carrying a big bag help?
unless u have some first aid emergency kit in there,
or a built-in accident insurance,
or a shield against muggers, better yet, a gun!
i can't think of anything else...
but nothing in your bag can really save you from an accident...
nothing in your bag can really prepare you for what Life
has in store for U for that special day...
IN THE MOMENT...
that's where U need to be...

that's why i stopped carrying my Life around
like a ball & chain...
& started travelling light,
or lighter... i have a small cute red purse now
that i put only my most basic necessities
to go out for a day
away from home...
& when i really need to,
i carry another small shopping bag...maybe
for one book or a magazine,
or paper to read...
for a lunch bag if i decide to,
that's all i need.

my baby's photos are in my wallet
everything else is basic,
a little money, a couple of credit cards,
a lipstick, chapstick, face powder,
a pen & my address book, some paper (just in case i'm inspired to write)...
sometimes i can fit a bill or 2 in there,
if i really need to check on some current money issues...
otherwise, nada - nothing more
about my life in my little red bag...

on days that i need to go somewhere else
like Yoga, or after work stuff...
then i might carry my bigger bag,
with a fresh change of shirt & socks,
a place for my Yoga mat,
a CD walkman...(an Ipod is on my wish list)
for that long, tiring commute back home,
after a long day in the city...

Someday, i would love to travel really light...
with not even a bag...
everything will be on me,
without being too bulky on my clothes,
just to feel complete,
with my hands free,
& my mind free to wander as they please,
& my heart open,
In the Moment....

& then someday,
i will travel really, really light...
as in ...nothing on me,
nada,
just me & my body,
naked...
& my spirit,
unbound.
That would be the Day.

till then,
trudge-ing on...
& blogging about it...

- J

meanwhile, back in the ofc....

U know you've sunk into a new "low" in the office when:

• there are pow-wows conducted about who's job is it to provide milk for the coffee.
• someone hogs the private handicapped restroom for almost 30 mins., newspaper in hand (mtm, there's probably a Playboy magazine hidden inside!) & leaves not a very nice scent behind :(
• u have to "express" your milk in the very same private restroom, because you want to do the right thing as a working mom - since your ofc. doesn't provide special amenities for employees who choose to continue to nurse their babies even after their very long maternity leave of 6 weeks!!! (why isn't that the standard norm of disability allowed in the States? it's just not fair to the other working women who choose not to get pregnant! come on now...)
• when u come back from your "vacation"/disability, they've given your job to the young intern who doesn't even want to type memos, make copies, or send faxes cause it's not in her job description & she didn't go to College to make copies, excuse me!. (So u got nothing better to do but show your new baby photos around the whole ofc...more FUN!)
• someone starts stealing your post-its & moves your stapler to an undisclosed location.
• people start looking for someone to blame for the microwave going dead.
• it's the 3rd day of a communication power outage in your building & there is nothing to do but FILE or stare at your PC/phone - nothing is working, not even U.
• on your way to work, you're practicing a speech for your boss to please let you go (in other words - say the Trump words to U - " You're fired!", cause God forbid u quit first, & not be able to collect even a small unemployment - in this job market, that's a sin!)
• half of your day is spent window shopping for houses online, knowing that u probably will be out of a job soon, & maybe not finding one right away after getting fired, & still think you can buy a house soon!
• U get a reputation at your job as a "ballbuster", but most of the guys U have to deal with are not even aware of their own "macho shitload" mentality.
• U have looked at all the vacation cruises, packages, get-aways when U have used up all your vacation days....but saving those searches maybe for the next vacation!
• you know the temp in the next cube is having phone sex & getting paid by the hour & U have to sit in front of your computer & input a thousand more names & addresses.
• when there's a Nor'easter blizzard on your first day back at work & your ofc is open anyway (after the much awaited & anticipated holidays)...& the sanitation crew in your burb decided to plough the snow back on your driveway & buried your car.
• when you're playing solitaire on ur PC & losing to yourself- how is that possible???

& THE BEST for me IS:

• when you've resorted to Blogging at work, to keep your sanity, continue to look busy, & get paid ok by doing it :)

maybe more later,

p.s.

music for the day is...

"Tristeza, the deep sadness your heart feels...

let it linger forever,

let your kiss...."

summer samba in winter

hey there,
needed to get away from my other "serious" blog-in-progress from last week?! called seek my bliss...
just needed to keep things light a bit...
so here goes,
my song for the week...

"So Nice" (summer samba)

someone to hold me tight
that would be very nice,
someone to love me right
that would be very nice,
someone who'll understand
each little dream in me,
someone who'll take my hand
& be a team with me...
so nice,
that would be so nice,
if someday i'll find
someone who will take my hand
& samba through life with me...

someone who'll sing to me
stay w/ me right or wrong,
someone who'll sing to me
one little samba song,
someone who'll take my hand
& give his heart to me,
someone who's ready to give Love a start with me...
so nice,
that would be so nice
if someday i'll find
someone who will take my hand
& SAMBA through Life with Me.

( da,da,da, da...da....
wouldn't it be lover-ly!)

that's all i'm looking for...
tell me that's not too much to ask my angels...
tell me,
that's not U,
tell me my angels answered my prayer
when i met U,
that one fine winter's day...
that turned my winter memories
into summer samba day dreams....
so here's to U,
on your own cold winter nights,
may the little memories
you may hold of me...
warm you like a summer samba
in disguise.
:) J

Seek My Bliss...

i got this idea from reading an article, "Stuck in Sadness" by H. E. Marano - Editor of Psychology Today, (... i get email newsletters from them)...it's good reading, & one that i, as a busy, obsessive-compulsive working mother can really relate to...

it's so true, how men & women are so different in the way we deal with negativity...altho. it also depends on how a man was brought up & how his life experiences formed his beliefs in life later on...it depends, cause a lot of guys have some pretty excessive baggages too...just like me, just like my husband...

so, i was just thinking...IF i were to paint a picture of our house & our "emotional baggages" living around us in this house, hiding behind it's nooks & crannies, always ready to surprise with it's sudden appearance or disappearance... what kind of a home would it be???

this is how i picture it...
(to be continued later tonight, i hope)


this is how it wud look like...
as soon as u walk into our door (my husband's & my home)
there are a bunch of really old, outdated suitcases
hanging around our welcome mat...
with travel stickers from homes past,
past lives when we were still kids in the Philippines...
& souvenirs from dishevelled lives of fresh FOB transplants
to New York for him, & to NY-via- LA & Jersey City for me...
then as u walk down the narrow hallway into the living room
you'll find lots of photos, black & white, sepia, some in gold frames,
some in color....of smiling kids,
baby photos of everyone in the family, childhood summer days,
& further more, color photos of more recent happier days -
vacations in Florida,
Spain, Paris, California...
...as u walk into our living room,
you'll notice ethnic-inspired arts & crafts,
some wooden sculptures & Buddha statues - mostly mine,
& some tapestry on the wall (his)
a worn-out well used guitar from his teens,
an acoustic classical & folk guitars in their sturdy cases (his & mine)
a Fender Telecaster that used to be his baby,
& his new baby - a GIBSON LES PAUL - classic model (the kind that Pros like Eric Clapton use)
& you'll probably see a really old upright piano that needs reconditioning (my Mom's)
& a makeshift playroom for Diego's toys & stuff,
a couple of small to medium-size fire engines,
a Fire Station, some little toy soldiers & a lot of GI Joes,
rescue heroes of all sorts, & all kinds of Disney play toys in all shapes & condition,
& you'll see his drawing table
full of broken & new crayons, writing pads, doodled pages of papers,
collected for future scrapbooking,
what else?
(what else can possibly fit into one small living room??)
then you'll notice two separate bedrooms,
one his & Diego's,
& one - mine shared with my daughter,
on each bedroom wall a movie will be playing -
scenes from his & her emotional sitcom or drama,
(depending on the mood of the moment)...
there's always some kind of music playing in each bedroom,
his & mine, & also our kids music...
depending on the time of day or night,
his room would be playing loud, rock or blues
then sometimes, kids' music & classical or lullabyes...
mine would have either jazz, or some female vocalist,
bossa nova or folk or sometimes classical,
other times it's a hip-hop station with some loud rap, ragaton or the new latin hip-hop,
(my daughter's new favorite)
aside from the usual hip hop, urban r& b playing...
you'd be surprised the variety of music playing in our house at one time...

then there's my mother's bedroom,
if u want to see baggage from the past,
all u have to do is step inside my mother's bedroom...
it's like a little warehouse for someone who
tries to cram her whole 68 years of existence
into one small 9x13 square footage
with boxes piled on top of another bigger box
& smaller gift boxes on top of those,
lots of figurines of Mother Mary (collections from the Philippines maybe to here...)
a huge poster of the Sacred Heart of Jesus,
as big as the ones you would find in chapels back in the Philippines,
& other saintly figures in all shapes & sizes
St. Anthony, St. Francis of Assisi
St. Theresa & the blessed Fatima...
& of course the infant Jesus which is displayed all year-round in my Mom's room
(not just around Christmas)...
sometimes when i am feeling out of sorts,
i just step inside my Mom's bedroom,
sit on her bed & look at ALL that's surrounding me,
it's a strange bedroom...
full of memories & faithfully whispered prayers...
then you'll see on her writing table at the foot of her bed,
more boxes of mails, letters she keeps from years past,
from families & friends, near & far,
a bunch of pictures in frames, a family tree that's incomplete,
a big 8x10 of my high school graduation photo,
my son & daughter's school photos...
& more storage boxes filled with photo albums, scrapbooks & other stuff...
it's like a museum to her life...
she can't let go...
she's the type who likes everything familiar to her
surrounding her...
maybe that's her bliss,
but it bothers me that there's almost no room to walk...
she just fashioned a path enough for one person to walk around in,
from the doorway to her bed,
oh & i almost forgot about her clothes cabinet..
on second thought - let's not even go there.

my bedroom that i share with my daughter (that just turned 13)
is a different story,
because we have no choice but to share a small cabinet
& a couple of plastic dresser drawers for all our clothes,
we have to store our other clothes by season,
it's a seasonal wardrobe which i find more useful & comfortable...
less cluttered & it's easier on my mind & my daughter's too
each morning - trying to decide what to wear everyday...
& i love our winter curtain that i just bought to cover the drafty window,
it's burgundy velvet with gold paisley trim,
i love how it gives our small, crowded room a royal princess feel...
& on the walls i posted some of my daughter's best artwork
from when she was little to now...
& a painting of her when she was 2 - a gift from her Grandma
when she was still working for the UN assigned to a peacekeeping mission in Iraq
(thank God she's retired now & don't need to work there)
this painting was done by a local street artist
(kinda like the Mabini artists we have in Manila)...

i like to keep it simple,
(*in fact the kind of home i am creating for my future is going to be
a reflection of where i want my mind to be...
a simple life, inspired by nature, & like a rustic cottage home...)
i still have a project to de-clutter our home,
at least our next home,
hopefully my first home...my first very own home that i can call mine...
would be like a cottage close to a park or a lake,
with a little backyard garden that i can transform
into my very own little sanctuary complete with
a fishpond, Japanese inspired garden, with rock-sand & stone
landscaping, maybe a small gazebo or workshop in the back
where me & my kids can work on some arts & crafts,
& ...wait a minute, where was i???

back in the picture of my little house...
did we go to the kitchen yet?
i would say, let's not even go there....
but what's a home without some form of kitchen huh?
well, it's a small kitchen without an island,
kinda country type with it's old windows & doors
with paint chipping off them...
a deep old cast iron sink,
& cabinet shelves that are made for tall people
( i just got used to standing on a chair to get anything from those shelves...
it's a pain, but what can i do? )...
it's the "story" of my Life...
when you need to survive
one can get used to almost anything....
even the lack of what you want...
in a kitchen, a living room (no fireplace!),
only 1 small bathroom with an old tub
that we use only for showers, no soaking in the tub to relax here...
no such thing, cause it's a big project to clean a tub
used by all...
yeah, not quite the chateau that i'm dreaming of...
but it will have to do for now...
my hubby & i don't even have our own bedroom,
we've been separated since the moment
of truth...for me,
then all the rest of the time was a
rollercoaster of ups & downs,
isolation within my own crowded house,
many, many voices in my head...
crowded mind,
i tried to get away,
but i only end up coming back Home...
there's really no escape from the world you've built
for yourself...
when it all comes crumbling down...
as occasionally it did,
or maybe I did?
i don't know...

for now, everything's cool...
i don't blow too hot anymore...
(except during that time of the month!)
it's too much of a waste of precious energy...
i'd rather shut my door,
travel inward,
come out smiling, & ready to be a Mom again...

"story" of my Life?
yeah, you can say that
i'm still trying to find my balance...
but getting closer to finding what Bliss means to me...

for now,
a friendship/ occasional lucky romantic moments shared with my hubby
are precious & not to be forgot...
i don't really know for sure
if things will get better for us...
maybe, maybe not.
for now,
being with my kids,
watching them grow...well-adjusted i hope,
is a lot to be grateful for...
seeing them happy & even grumpy,
& knowing how to turn them around,
into their usual selves...
is all i could wish for...
just to "be with" them...
our stay at home &play or eat out
on friday nights,
our weekends full of busy-ness but
able to sleep-in a few more minutes,
an hour,
while the kids watch cartoons in peace,
...is bliss.
for now,
being able to provide a home for my Mom,
i know it's not easy,
especially for any husband to live with their Mother-in-Law,
but hey, what can he expect?
i'm the only one my Mom can really run to...
i've always been the one among all her children
who's been there for her thru her breakdowns,
(maybe because i was her only daughter)...
i was the main witness to the crime my Daddy
had committed long time ago...
when he broke her heart,
& broke our tender home too...
so, i was that little 8 or maybe 10-year old Catholic-schooled girl,
who swore from then on to always be strong,
who needed to be tough
So therefore i was,
& I am...still tough...
For now,
while Life can be tough,
my tough-ness is my shield,
therein lies my carefully guarded world,
therein hides the romance i am seeking,
& therein, maybe
i haven't truly given up on....
Love,
loving the world for all it's broken down stories,
for all it's strange twists & turns,
for all the upheavals every person i meet must have gone through...
there is still Love,
if not for One's Self,
for another...
which one day might come back to that One
& reflect Love's warmth again...
For now,
i continue to seek my Bliss...


.. - J

New Year's Resolution

i'm blogging right now to keep my sanity!
i have been crazzyyly busy these past few days & it's supposed to be my holiday!!!
so, after our family New Year's eve dinner, i tried to take a power nap after all the mad food preparations & gourmet meals...all the rushing from Christmas to now...all the get togethers, my mind was finally screaming inside..."Stop this world, i want to get off!!!"
- i told everyone i need to take a little break, my mother-in-law & my Mom were nice enough probably to realize that i do need a little time for myself - maybe a little nap will do me good, before we once again converge & get together for the countdown to the New Year's, before all the wine & toasting & noises start all over again...
so, as i was trying to take a nap, my mind was racing, just stupid petty thoughts on what else i need to do tomorrow, when tomorrow is another day...why can't i stop thinking???
why can't i relax?>>>
so here i am...i announced to my daughter & her cousins hanging out in our room (where the computer is...where my only escape from this craziness is...)
...& said, "wait i need a little time to just be by myself & get on the computer & write some stuff..." for me, a release,...for them, maybe they think i'm just acting weird & that's normal... i think they understood even a little bit...so they left me alone.

it's funny during the holidays, a mom almost has to scream at the top of her lungs, from the mountaintops, (figuratively speaking) to be noticed that hey, if u don't let me have some space...
i'm gonna explode!!! If u can't leave me alone for just a tiny bit, i will leave all of you's alone to do all the holiday preparations! Don't get me wrong, I love my family but still...
sometimes, i can't seem to take a breather...so there, i made my point.

Now, for my resolutions...not that i'm really serious about keeping them but...it's worth a try.

B - Be True to mySelf - "To thine own self be True" (from some Shakesperian tragedy)
E - Everything can crumble or fall but thine own Self

M - Maybe there is a better way...to Live.
Y - YES to possibilities & Changes first, before saying NO
S - Save for a rainy day, SAVE even for the "sunny" days
E - Everything is as important as I make them out to be...

Your Priorities Rule (first my kids & family &second, career & all the other "stuff" or "issues or non-issues")
L - LOVE is the most powerful drug...LOVE is my cure-all, LOVE is everyone's Salvation

....Love-Love-Love,

love is all u need...

F - FIRST Thine own Self, be true, & Everything else shall follow...
...& another F - Fear Nothing, or Fear - Less.

(* spells out B-E M-Y-S-E-L-F)

(big sigh....Breathing in, breathing out...) Now i feel better.
Now, i can say thank you to the year that is past, & welcome the New Year with Joy, Hope, & Love for mySelf & my family around me, & All...the world....

i'm just sad about the "Tsunami" disaster in Asia, very close to my home - the Philippines,
only a few island-countries like Malaysia & Indonesia may have saved us from getting the same beating from Mother Nature...Oh God, i pray for relief & salvation for those that perished, & those still missing their families & loved ones, & especially those who are now homeless...
(i have absolutely nothing to complain about compared to them, i have petty issues)...sorry for my selfishness sometimes...

& at exactly an hour from now, I will welcome the New Year 2005, full of possibilities of things that have never been, of places I have never been, & people i have never met...or maybe, in some past lives,
here we go again, oh well, i say you can take the soul out of a person, but u can't take the mystic out of the soul...

till next year,
"Happy trails to U,
until we meet again"...

p.s.
i hope that wherever you are,
whoever you may be celebrating with,
you are completely Happy,
& as i sing my "auld lang syne" with my loved ones,
i shall be singing it full of love,
for U too.

"we'll taste the cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne..."
- J

December

i love December!
i love the month when everything happens all at once...
it used to be stressful, now i just love it!
it's the month when 2 of my brothers' have their birthday
it's the month when my dearest little boy was born,
it's the month for Christmas preparations,decorations,
Christmas lights & trees and all;
it's the month for Christmas parties,
finishing projects at work, taking it easy...
it's the time for gift-giving & receiving,
the time for Christmas cards & love letters across the miles,
my Mom's balikbayan boxes full of "stuff"
travelling across the globe to the other side of the family...
a time to remember old friends, acquaintances &
smiling at people u meet while doing mad-shopping together...
like a shopper's camaraderie,

i used to stress out during the holidays,
just because there was so much to do...so little time...
now, i know better, & i just start early...
i'm like the early bird that catches the worm,
& makes lots of time to play with her little chickadees...

maybe it's because my two kids make me see...
all over again,
what there is to anticipate & hope for around Christmas...
even the snow is beautiful,
i don't even mind the cold,
because they love it...
i learned to love playing in the snow,
ice-skating in the park & falling on ice,
that's the only time i don't mind the cold...

i feel so blessed having my two hyper, loud & vivacious kids...

makes me feel like a child again,

pushing me past my tired & weary days,

those nights of trekking in the snowy darkness after work,

& coming home to their ever-so loud demands for attention,

i just have to sigh & laugh out loud,

& say to myself - Hey, that's their expectation...

they can't help it, U must be a Supermom...

& lo and behold i turn around, wear my cape, take off my other mask, & put on my happy face, voila!

& I AM the SuperMom - I gotta deliver on that!

...i'm slowly getting used to this idea of being a "Supermom"

(to the tune of Stevie Wonder's - "baby, wants to be a superwoman...la,la,la..." i wish i know all the words right now)

anyway, what else about the magical month of December???

this is the month when i believe miracles do happen,

sometimes it sneaks up on us, from behind our depression...

obsession about what's lacking & what else is missing in our lives...

sometimes, little miracles happen to show us that we really got what we need already, & ALL that we got is already wonderful...

& what we don't have, maybe we really don't need, for now...

For Now...I am Happy with every little thing i got...

even my issues with hubby,(makes me & him all the more stronger,& have this feisty robust relationship, huh! like 2 ninjas in relationship training!...you'd wonder who's gonna come out on top)

even this pending HUGE relocation plans with no job prospects yet!...i'm not even as worried as my in-laws think i should be...Hey what the heck?!

i've been at some crossroads in my life with not a single map nor compass before & i managed to find my way back to mySelf so...I operate on Faith - yep, hard as it may for some to believe in someone who's gone through a couple bouts of depression...(maybe she's just being manic-& later - her alter ego will show up again... Ms. Deppressive is back in town!)

i still operate on Faith...even during those darkest moments when u feel like you'll never be able to sleep for the 3rd, or 4th or 5th night in a row, wondering how to end it all, this misery of not understanding why you are so darned miserable in the first place??...with all the other less fortunate beings in the world, especially the third world, & the hungry in Africa, & those who have nothing compared to u, & countless guilt tripping nights...

i still, in a very small corner of my heart, in the recesses of my soul, still believed in a Higher Power that was going to help me turn my dark days around...an angel will come out in hiding just to protect me from hurling myself from the top of my office building (all 27 floors of it)...& show me the view from above...metaphorically, it's always happened. I must be blessed.

(one of my favorite films is the original B&W of Wim Wenders "wings of desire" - later, adapted into "City of Angels" Hollywoodized version...still great, with one of my fave songs ...

"in the arms of an angel...fly away from here...from this dark cold hotel room & this emptiness that u feel...")

& my first miracle in December, my son's birth, December 1999...was an experience forever etched in my heart (and immortalized in photos as well)... how he's growing in mind & body & spirit is a continuing miracle...

& of course there was that second miracle of December 2001, (post 9-11-01)

i knew my angels were up to something...after battling with my depression that started in the Spring of 2000, i was still looking for something, something, something... i can't pinpoint...

something missing & those naughty angels, i think they heard my prayers somehow...

in an unpredictable, lightning kind of way...there U were...my very first coach,

whatever you wanna call it, a life coach, a transformation coach...whatever...

i know, in my heart, that my angels sent U to me...even if u don't believe in angels...

even if u think this is all bulls*it, even if u were just doing your job...

being there for me, even if u will never even waste a single thought on me,

believe what u may, as i will continue to believe in mine...

it's always been my Faith that has kept me alive & strong

& happy...i haven't lost my way yet...though maybe i've strayed way too many times,

but...i've always managed to come back Home to the I in I...

so do i believe in making a Leap of Faith this time...

with this big leap to Atlanta without a safety net to catch me... if i fall???

sure, it's good for the soul...i think, & i believe there is this invisible safety net...for those who are only trying to find their way...trying to do good...

nothing would have been discovered or happened in our world without

such leaps & bounds by human-kind...

what was it Kennedy said when the first man landed on the moon??? (was it Kennedy or some other prez?)

"one small step for man, one giant Leap for Mankind..."

well, i can go on & on,

but for now...

i hope U enjoy your December as much as I will...

:) j

i will leave the light on for U...

i wrote u a poem again...yesterday,
i don't know why but u always come to mind around the holidays,
(i'm listening to some country christmas music as i'm writing this...
("i'll be home for Christmas" - Glen Campbell's singing)
... i know it's only Thanskgiving tomorrow...but one follows the other for sure...
so, i think of u a lot around these festive times...
why, maybe because when i met u, it was almost Christmas,
it was December 14, 2001 to be exact,
we met at around 8:30 in the morning
(early huh, & unromantic of course, i was there to attend
a 3 & 1/2 day transformation seminar called the Landmark Forum-
that i have to thank my lucky charms - U were leading...)
& to make a long story short...
i was wowed by U,
your charm & confidence,
your wit & compassion, your wry sense of humor & sarcasm...
well...so much for that.)
anyway, so that's why i still catch myself thinking of U,
(my friends think i developed an obsession for U, maybe,
but what's wrong with that?... i'm no stalker, i believer in giving people their space
as mine is most precious to me...)
but a mild obsession maybe, that i agree,
i mean it's been almost 3 years & i still think of U,
not so intentionally but it just happens, once in a blue moon,
only once in a while, but more so around Christmas,
i remember how u would say in that seminar,
that because of that seminar & everything we were gonna get out of it,
we were gonna have our best Christmas ever...
(those who attended i mean, not we, as in U & me...really, who am i kidding,
there is no U & Me here in this story....
just voices in my head insisting that maybe there is...& my friends would chide me & say,
yup! It sure is only in your head, girl!!! - so what?! i say!)

so i wrote u a poem, it's simple & nothing to brag about to Mom,
just a little poem that came to me as i was having a "blank" moment on the ferry
on my way home,
so here goes...

i will leave the light on for U...
(by: seekerjay)

if ever u should find yourself
questioning Life,
if ever with your sure-footed ways,
u find yourself wavering along your merry days,
wondering what is it all about?
(to the tune of "Alfie")
All this wandering,
all this travelling,
all these purposely-driven days...
of over-reaching agendas & breaking profits,
of meeting & mending people along the way,
of reaching new & higher heights, of bigger goals,
shooting for the moon instead of the stars...
when all this purpose gets you beaten down sometimes
as those days surely come to the best & the rest of us...

when your dogma gets bitten by a sense of Karma...
& some days when u stare at yourself in the mirror
u question where are U really going?
& u start questioning everything,
the loss of innocence in living,
the loss of those simple, good old days,
when what's missing from your life
glares back at you with your charming, sarcastic smile...
(i'm sure this never happens to U, you're "Mister Have-it-All")

but someday, if... it ever happens to U,
just remember...
i will always leave the light on for U,
...If, you find that road less travelled by...
leads down to a narrow winding path
towards my door...
where i have waited for U forever...
& a day,
is just another dream...
of U coming back to me...
remember, i will always leave the light on for U...
& i will always be here,
where U had left me... in some previous life i imagine,
at the front porch singing my songs for a Love...
that i felt from the moment i saw
the glow of love from your eyes,
& how i basked in your light,
& how U brightened my darkest nights
like a distant shining star,
so close to me, yet so far,
so distant, sometimes so cold,
but i can never forget how that light filled my heart,
my Life since the moment i met you...
that Light will stay,
forever,
& a day is just another dream...
a slumber till we meet again,
i will leave the light on for U,
my travelling friend....my shining star...
keep shining!

(merry Christmas Baby!)

4 more years...

i can't believe the last time i blogged i was still in a different world
full of hope & wishfulness for a fresh start
a new leadership...
"help is on the way!"...
but what do we got now???
MORE OF THE SAME!
it was a blow for a lot of folks here in NY,
i'm sure for all those wanting a change in government & the way things are going,
all downhill...it seems,
we can't get a break right now...
4 more years! ( i still can't get over it...)
it took me a little while to get used to the idea,
(i don't think i can ever get used to the idea, i can only pretend it doesn't exist in my merry world)
like i don't have an Emperor with no clothes,
like i'm not one of those blind following the blind....
of more Bush-isms' foreign policy of colonialism...imperialism....
& this WAR for what?!
seems like a war with no end in sight....
it's gotten worse from last week before election to now...
the week after the election results.

so what do we do now?
what do I do now???
i just wake up the following day,
knowing it was a very tight race & for whatever fraud & cheating that might have taken place
there's not much i can do about it...
i'm just a little speck of dust in this never ending parade...called Life,
I can only make my own life better,
change my life for the better,
according to what Gandhi said -
"be the change you want to see in the World..."
how true is that huh?

if we can't change the way things are,
at the very least, we can only change what we don't want in our own little world...
hopefully, maybe,
some of that positive changes will have a ripple effect out into the bigger worlds that we move around in....

if that ripple effect did not happen now in this election...
there's always 4 years from now...
it's not that far- away...
if u think about it....
sad to think, that this war might last that long...
although I pray that it won't...
that we are all kept out of harm's way,
especially my kids, ( if ever in the far-off, distant future they ever bring back the draft)
...i would have no choice but to move to another country....
that's where my loyalty lies...
in the truth of God's/Jesus teachings of the Golden Rule
" to do unto others what you would want others to do unto you"
to Love your neighbors as yourself...& to love even your enemies....
I know it's hard to do,
it's almost blasphemous to think about it being an American
fighting this war out there which was started
or so they say with what happened on 9-11...
but two wrongs does not make one right does it???
- it just perpretrates the evil of war & all this killing of innocent lives
& look at all the destruction?!

i was pretty depressed last week...
i couldn't even find the energy to blog &
congratulate the so-called winners in this race/farce of a game...
but what is there to congratulate & give thanks to?

really, more of the same??
of what we can expect like this week,
into another week of war,
into another month,
into another year...of war,
into what???
4 more years of WAR???
& for what?!

if one can answer me truthfully
with a clear conscience that what we are doing there as a country is good,
i don't mean right? i mean "good" as in abiding by what one believes as Godly
then...by all means i will listen.

But i've heard enough of it,
in the political race-games,
& i'm still hearing about it in the daily news...
the taking over of Fallujah, 10 more american soldiers dead,
a lot wounded, & how many innocent lives destroyed but never mentioned here....
while the Feds are hiking up the rates again a quarter today...
& there are still not a lot of jobs,
& what????
too much to mention...
too tired to try & write them all down.
too pissed off to try to find justification...
too sad, that we can't have any good news,
so if i were you,
i would just turn off the TV news...
& carry on with life like nothing ever happened last week.
be happy with what you got
cause for now,
that's all you really got.
-till then,
don't worry, be happy...
always,
- J

TODAY - Vote or Die

I thought at first that slogan was a bit too strong,
but after some thought & the fact that this is my 3rd attempt at blogging for the day
& it seems something's wrong with the system that my blogs are not appearing,
my first try was probably my fault - in my excitement to blog my views
& run out the door, to get to the polling booths on time,
i must have hit the wrong key.
ha,ha,ha,...
so now, i shld really be getting frustrated,
this shld be my last attempt for the night to blog out,
vent out my frustrations on this election rollercoaster!

(even my little boy is showing signs of getting frustrated...
when i told him that Bush might be winning, & he knows how we feel
in this house abt G.W. - he said to just turn off that TV news!
& my daughter was busy trying to entertain him so i can blog,
isn't she the sweetest - * she told me to write that btw, cause it's TRUE!)
Wow, that's so simple right?
just tune out...
& tune in to yourself...
check in on yourself & know that you did everything you can do
I did my best according to my conscience,
& voted for what i believe in
for the true democracy...
& whatever the outcome now...
Life goes on...for all of us,
we still have to get along - Republicans & Democrats, Independents
& apathetic ones...
it's just another election,
just 4 more years,
let's try to tighten our belts if we have to...

as of now, almost 9pm,
my boy is asking me to read him a book, he's getting so sleepy from all this
built up excitement,
of course he can sense something really important is happening,
we're all talking about it...aren't we?

I just pray now
that our actions will speak louder than our words,
that the voice of the people will carry us through
tomorrow,
we will know who won...
this election,
i hope it doesn't turn out to be another farce,
another game won by the powers who hold the keys
to the presidency...
& i thought that was supposed to be the people?
i'm too idealistic, but it's better than being apathetic,
being apathetic is like being dead while still living,
being a zombie who lives to survive,
i'd rather survive to LIVE Life according to what i truly believe in...
& truth & justice,
democracy & a brighter future for my children are still some things
that i believe in.

so there, i casted my vote for J & J
the light at the end of the tunnel...
after all is said & done,
i can still sleep peacefully at night...
as i read a goodnight's story to my little son...
with hopes for a better future for him, my daughter & all
the kids not just in America, but also around the world...
the world is much bigger than we think
inside this big old U.S. of A...
& they may all be watching this election closely,
but we are the ones living it...
we should be able to change whatever is not working
in our system right now...
We the People...
or it could take a little bit more time,
but we won't know until tomorrow,
or the next day,
or the following months after the election,
or even after the following 4 years....

still,
all i can do is carry on, pray &
wish my little kids the best for their today
& all their tomorrows....
we aren't really voting only for ourselves, are we?

may the best LEADER win,
may he lead us out of this war with the least
casualties & damage to our so-called national budget,
which trickles down to holes in our pockets...
Good luck one & All,
(don't stay up too late, we still have work to do tomorrow...)
- J