Happy Birthday to me!

“Today is the greatest day I’ve ever known…can’t wait for tomorrow, tomorrow’s much too long” (Smashing Pumpkins)

 

Today is my birthday… 56 years on Planet Earth….20,440 days of waking up to new days, putting my foot forward and keeping it moving.  56 revolutions around the Sun….

I am grateful for Life, I am grateful for family, I am grateful for friends for life…

And death, happening around this Coronavirus pandemic….reminding us constantly to live our lives to the fullest, as though this day, today, is our last.

https://youtu.be/1lyu1KKwC74

This is a weird birthday for me, that’s why I chose this song from the Verve “Bittersweet Symphony” for my writing meditation this morning.  It sure is a bitter sweet symphony, the life we are living during these crazy, unprecedented and unpredictable times…

Nothing is for certain anymore.  Everything that we were used to turned upside down.  Jobs may be lost, schools have closed since March 13, our movements have become limited, plans cancelled, and future plans cannot be made…yet.  2020, yes the year synonymous to clearer vision…and here we are forced to see things differently, we are having to see Life from a new & different perspective.  We cannot base the decisions we make every day on our past ways…We are now witnessing a “new normal” and every little thing we do is filtered through a new lens,  “Is this safe?”  “Are we in danger of being exposed to the VIRUS if we go out now?”  “What are we going to do this summer break?”  “Should we even fly?”, “Is it better to do stay-cations?”  “What about school next year 2020-21?”, “Are we still in this pandemic next year?”  “We have flattened the curve in some states and some parts of the world… but is it going to come back with a vengeance when winter hits?” “When are they going to find a cure, a vaccine?”   All these questions & more…whirling in our collective minds.

Some of us are luckier than others…They haven’t been hit at home with this VIRUS.  But some, it hits closer to home than is comfortable…Our family for instance, have been hit close… my husband’s brother is currently in the throes of fighting for his life with this Covid-19, and we are all anxiously waiting & praying for his recovery.  “Who else in our close circle of family & friends is going to get hit?”  “Will it be bad or will it be mild?”  “Who will win, the VIRUS or us?”

I say, we cannot let the VIRUS win! Just imagine all the healthcare workers & researchers fighting this and struggling to find a cure before more deaths happen…. Just imagine all our essential workers, day in & day out, going about their daily lives & continuing to work with constant unease of who among their customers might have the virus or may be asymptomatic carriers….Just imagine the more unfortunate folks in our communities, struggling to find ways to put food on the table for the whole family, because they are on unemployment or worse, no source of income…Such angst is enough to cause some people nightmares. 

2020, perfect vision, I believe this period in our history is forcing us to re-evaluate what is important and essential to us.  Time to get rid of what’s un-necessary, Time to get rid of hatred, judgments, & bigotry…. We are, whether we like it or not, intertwined now, we are all in this together….I am wearing my mask in public, not just for my own protection but to also protect those I come in contact with; although I hate wearing a mask.

Time to face our new reality, “we are all in this together” every commercial on TV is saying that… We just have to be kinder whenever we can…everybody is struggling in their own ways.  No one is immune to this.

To me, it is the year for a clearer vision, hopefully a perfect vision of what I want my everyday to be…Time to re-assess my core values… only deal with what IS, not what may be…

Time to let go, and Let GOD.  God and the Universe has given us this challenge not to make us suffer…I believe, this Coronavirus plague, is sent as a blessing.  I know that may sound weird, but it is true, there is a rainbow to every storm. 

Happy birthday to me!  To a new year, a fresh start, a new beginning.

I wish the same for all of you, reading this TODAY…into our 10^th week of isolation…Make it the greatest day of your Life.

Sending love & healing, stay strong!

- Jessica (from my little quarantined corner of the world)

here's the send-off song I chose for y’all, a classic.

https://youtu.be/fPO76Jlnz6c

Ode to our Mother

This is for Mother's Day

https://youtu.be/aJxrX42WcjQ   You Raised Me Up (by Josh Groban)

This song “YOU RAISED ME UP” is dedicated to our ever steadfast, faithful and loving mother…. Leticia Gaviola Velasquez.

Every time I listen to this song, it brings tears to my eyes and chills down my spine….

It is so true of our mother….Leticia….our quiet, unassuming, humble and profoundly spiritual & faithful…mother.

She is a wonderful human being.  She has led us in her own quiet ways, from darkness; from the forest of confusion and the stormy troubled waters of our childhood… to where we are now.  She raised all of us, and also had the time, energy & compassion to raise most of her grandchildren starting with my older brother - Joe's children...Michelle, Mark & Melanie; then mine... Malaya & Diego Ray...and even our youngest brother - Rocky's children....Jaelyn & Olivia....where did she get all her energy... I wondered?  and always the answer will come up as... she has an inner spiritual well always filled with unconditional love for all her children....

I still remember, during the Seventies when our Dad had to leave us to immigrate to the United States of America, in order to be able to support all of us….It was Martial Law in the Philippines then....We were left at a loss… about our future.  My Mom, I know in my young heart, had the most difficult time…She had to raise 6 children almost on her own… having given up her teaching career a long time ago, and Daddy being the sole breadwinner….She did not know what to do…

It was very tough going at first, but I watched her as she slowly, through the years…through her deep Faith in a God that watches over all of us….slowly, pulled herself together….I was only about 13 years old, my older brother, Jojo 14, and the rest of my brothers, James, Jason, Jonathan….12,11,10 years old respectively….and our newborn in the family, baby Rocky, barely one year old.

She is the reason we are where we are right now….Rocky, that little baby, is now an ER doctor who is heroically fighting in the trenches of this Coronavirus warfare…in NYC…. Jonathan, another ER doctor in Perry Georgia, fighting the same battle to save lives every day.  Kuya Joe, our truck driver who is among the ESSENTIAL workers who deliver what Americans need during this crisis.  James and Jason, in the Philippines, always doing their best and always doing their part to fulfill the responsibilities of taking care of our aging father; who retired in the Philippines…. And me, I am now a TEACHER, trying to do my part in this landscape….I also sing, thanks to my Mom…who taught us how to play guitar as kids, and our Dad - Tommy, who loved to sing to us....they exposed us to all this wonderful, groovy music as we were growing up.  I will be forever grateful.

Every lyric of this song, “You Raised Me Up”…. Sings our praises to our dear mother, how much of a HERO she is to each one of us….How, we would not be here, successful in our own careers, and still believing in a GOD that never FAILS… Her LOVE was always our shining LIGHT, our only BEACON, she never failed us….we were together and in spite of the broken shambles of a home we were trying to recreate in our own hearts….Knowing that she is always there for us was enough…enough for us to keep going, to be STRONG and support one another….This is what we learned from a mother who never ever gave up. 

What we are going through collectively right now, during this global Coronavirus pandemic, is only making us stronger than ever….Think of all the mothers and fathers who raised us….

“YOU RAISED ME UP SO I CAN STAND ON MOUNTAINS,

YOU RAISED ME UP TO WALK ON STORMY SEAS,

I AM STRONG WHEN I AM ON YOUR SHOULDERS,

YOU RAISED ME UP… TO MORE THAN I CAN BE.”

Our parents did not raise us to give up now….We are from a strong breed of humans, we are going to get through this.  Together, at home, wherever you are, STAY STRONG… and thank your precious mothers and fathers.

Life & Death in the middle of Coronavirus

Today, first day of May, I woke up so early, as has been my usual since the start of 2020 --- at 4:00 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I am like that a lot, an early bird with so much energy in the morning.

So, what could I do that early? It’s Friday, a digital learning day for me as a middle school special educator.  I did not want to dive into work right away. So, I meditated for a few minutes, emptied left-over stuff in my head from fuzzy dreams the night before.  Then, went on Facebook, and checked out recent videos that have been shared.

I was struck by two especially poignant stories… One was from a father who just recently lost his 12 year old son to suicide during these Coronavirus crazy times…and the second story was told by another father, losing yet another child, his daughter - an ER doctor fighting this silent war right in the trenches of New York City, Mt. Sinai Hospital… She was also lost to suicide.

I shared these two real stories to my Facebook feed… and I just want everyone out there who reads these to realize that Coronavirus is not just a deadly physical pandemic, but it could might as well be a great emotional & mental malady of our times.  These two very real stories brought tears to my eyes…

I have suffered from post-partum depression back when I had my second child; and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 1, the kind where you have some weird hallucinations and heard voices.  I call them my friends and guides now, these voices in my head.  I used to be scared of them, not knowing who and what the heck they were… but not anymore.  The more I realized that these voices are not from outside of me, but inside from the deepest recesses of my being…even probably memories of past lives coming into light…I am no longer afraid to listen to them and accept them in without fear or judgement. Sometimes, I listen and just let it slide…other times, depending on the mood, I really listen and analyze what it all means.

This morning, I cried some tears, for these two humans, two very human….human beings --- the 12 year old boy whose birthday was in two days; and the oh so brave ER doctor who contracted COVID 19 while working and still went back to work after a week of recovery, just because she was an awesome responsible doctor.  According to their fathers, they both showed no apparent signs of depression & were fairly happy individuals.  But these times can get to the best of us…. There are really those among us suffering internally and silently right now during this crisis that we are not even aware of sometimes… Please be gentle with yourself and with others.

 

It makes me wonder about my students.  Yesterday, at yet another long virtual Zoom meeting with my Team and Assistant Principal, we wrangled & wrestled with ideas on how to help those students who are not passing our classes and not doing their Digital Learning assignments.  No matter how much we, as teachers, try our very best to the point of exhaustion every day to reach out to them and give them the best and simplest assignments possible… we still could not reach them. We try everything, all tools from our teacher toolbox: call & email parents regularly, make funny, engaging selfie videos every morning for our daily instructions, create Zoom live class sessions, do Art for them to show how much we care & miss them… our students are still elusive as butterflies.  Sometimes, they’re there, logging in and choosing to do certain assignments, and most times they are not.  Except for the few handful of students, steadfast and determined to have passing grades by the end of all this…perhaps due to their parents’ efforts or their own persistence & character. I admire these kids immensely and I would work even for that one or two kids attending my live Zoom sessions. For them, what I do as a teacher is worthwhile… I will continue to strive hard for these kids to thrive and be successful despite the odds they may be facing.

For this is not just a physical & visible disease, but an emotional, mental as well as a social disease.  Coronavirus has shown us how disparate and discrepant our socio-educational systems are in this great first world country we live in. It shows us so many factors why some kids succeed and some don’t… and not due to the fact of their own doing.  I mean, odds are so stacked against some of my students: most don’t have access to a good computer, laptop, device, whatever; and even though our school (being a Title 1 school) loans them a device such as a Chromebook, their families cannot afford good internet service.  Why don’t we have universal Internet for all students yet? 

In addition to not having the proper tools for learning, these students struggle at home with their home lives; some have so many siblings that they can’t even focus; some have to babysit their younger brother or sister, some have parents who do not speak English and cannot read or help them in any way with their digital assignments, some kids’ parents are essential workers who have to work long hours during the day or night, and some kids’ parents have become unemployed with no income coming into their household.. Not to mention, my kids, my students already struggle having learning disabilities...How can they have proper guidance at home with all the distress and uncertainties?  Everyone is lost in their own personal struggles, trying to hold things together… who has the time and energy to hold these kids’ hands and assure them that everything will be okay??? Some of my students have said that this Coronavirus is just a lie and they want to go back to school so badly to see their friends again…and when will this ever end.  And it is so heartbreaking to listen to them. I hear their frustrations as they try to go through their crappy phone devices to complete assignments that are not geared towards cell phones… they’re just not user-friendly, so my students give up.  I want to give up too but I totally get it.  Frustrating as it may seem, we still try, and try, and try some more… until the very last day of school, which for us here is May 20^th (the day before my birthday).  14 more days, including today… We, special educators, are to reach out some more, with more last ditch efforts to get these kids to at least take their Final Exams online… We need a little miracle… a little Hail Mary!